Disowned

In the span of a little over an hour, my life took another radical change again. At first, I thought it had taken a serious turn for the worse. It felt catastrophic and I wanted to vomit. Then I felt empty and could not put any words together. I wanted to die, but I had no urge to kill myself. I was not suicidal. I just wondered why my life goes on and why can’t it just be over. I had no answers for those questions, but that all turned around in a rather short period of time as you will see.

What happened was that shortly after I got home from work, my daughter in law called to tell Patty that they (she and my stepson) knew the truth about me and what a pervert I was. She went on to tell her that she was vile and disgusting and that as far as she was concerned that we were dead to them and she would tell our grandchildren that we do not exist. She also said that she would also call Patty’s other two children to inform them so that they would be sure to disown us as well. Poor Patty endured this venomous spew from this unlovely person and never returned an angry word.

Patty, of course, is devastated. We had agreed that I would not present myself to them as I truly am out of consideration for Patty’s feelings. It was a small sacrifice to me for someone I love, as we were pretty sure of this type of reaction as my daughter in law has been a very destructive force in the family dynamics on so many levels over the years. She has ensured that her husband is alienated from his brother and has created major problems in the family relationships with her husband’s sister’s husband, his brother in law, our son in law. Now, when we try to arrange a family get together, our son in law will not attend. Once in awhile, my step daughter attends and I have tried to avoid these occasions because I know my daughter in law doesn't want me around. Patty has sensed the same thing over the years. We are never asked to spend any time with our grandchildren except when my daughter in law is present. We have never been asked to babysit and have never spent any time with them unless she ensures she is present. This is true even if I weren't involved. My daughter in law has always excluded my wife from spending time alone with the grandchildren, unlike the access she has allowed her family.

It seems though in the aftermath of this, it has become a very freeing experience for me. It was a painful sort of rebirth of which I have experienced many such along my journey.

I am free of having to pretend that I feel accepted and a part of Patty’s family. I have almost always felt like an unwelcome outsider, particularly by my daughter in law over the years. That was going on way before my daughter in law’s discovery about me today. Now I will never see them or interact with them again. My daughter in law, once again has shown us her black heart.

However, the pain that my truth causes Patty once again, just by my truth of being me becoming known to others, is heartbreaking for me. I don’t know how I can ever make up to her that her choice to remain in a relationship with me cost her relationship with at least one and maybe all of her children. It may not be possible to do that at all.

In two days we leave to go on a vacation we have both been looking forward to a long time to a place we both enjoy when we visit. I’m not sure either one of us cares at this minute about that vacation any longer. Hopefully though, this will be an opportunity to become even closer through experiencing the unreasoning and ignorant hatred of my daughter in law. I hope we will just forget about this over the next week and focus on us having fun and relaxing together.

What is positive from this horrible experience is that I feel no need to retaliate in kind, though I have first hand knowledge of things my daughter in law has done that would jeopardize her professional career and reputation, due to the same destructive need to maliciously gossip about people.

Her treatment towards my wife shows her to be a low and common person, someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others and she lacks the courage of her convictions to say them to my face over the phone.

However, they failed to recreate the feelings of guilt and shame that are common to people who grow up knowing they are transsexual. This is a reflection of the hard work and growth that I have accomplished in self-acceptance.

My God requires that I forgive her and I have made a lot of progress this evening towards that goal.  In this sense, it is a purely selfish act. It is only for me and not meant to benefit her in any real way. It allows me to feel the full grace of peace and love that God has for me. I bind her from doing emotional harm, something she seems to crave the need to do to others, as evidenced by the many examples over the time I have known her. My most sincere wish is that she is also bound from harming Patty in the same way. I simply won’t think of her in the future.

I Learned Some Very Sad News This Evening.....

I happened to check out my account on Pink Essence and learned some very sad news when I happened to look at the most recently posted blogs. I do this every now and then, once or twice a week. Tonight I learned that one of my dearest friends and sisters, "C" shared that her divorce was finalized today. Of course she was emotionally devastated, as any of us who have loved another person deeply and shared a majority of our lives in a marital relationship only to see it end, and not by our own desire or choosing.

 

"C" is such a loving and caring person, one cannot help but be drawn to her because of her sparkling personality. She is a deeply committed Christian, as I am, and the strength of her faith shines through her being, despite having lost so much in the exercise of her faith as well as seeking her own truth in Christ. In spite of the emotional pain of having lost so many relationships simply because she was born with a physical body that was not congruent with her spirit and soul, she has remained faithful and ministered to me at a particular dark point in my spiritual journey on a Sunday where I was able to attend her church with her. It was the first time in my life that I had the opportunity to worship as I am and by the grace of God, was also offered the sacrament of communion. I was so moved through the opportunity to come to worship and join in the mystery of becoming one with the body and blood of Christ that I had tears running down my face throughout the whole service and I then knew that I was acceptable as I am to the fellowship of Christians and to the God of my understanding. I felt truly blessed and healed of a great emotional pain. If it were not for "C" who accepted me as a sister and invited me to share her home, it might have been a long time for me to find a way back to a place in my own home area where I can be accepted and worship, without fear or shame, knowing I am perfectly acceptable to God as I am. I will never forget that first Sunday in June, a year ago from this past June.

“C” and I became acquainted on Pink Essence and I was drawn to her because of her open and friendly personality. I first had the opportunity to meet her at the Southern Comfort convention in Georgia in the fall of 2010, at the Keystone Convention in the early spring of 2011, again when she was a wonderful hostess when I gave another workshop at the Trans Philadelphia Health Conference in June of last year. As she lives in the North East, near some other dear sisters and nieces, I don’t get to see her very often, though I wish I could.

Those of us who share being a woman of transsexual experience are well acquainted to the pain of the loss of relationships with those we love the most and are intimately bonded with. It is such a common experience for us that it is a cliché and a stereotype of our life narrative. Sometimes this happens because we were not able to even accept ourselves and as a result we did not tell our spouses or partners. Other times, even though we have been honest and disclosed this most intimate and often emotionally painful part of who we are, having an identity that is contrary to the physical body in which we live since birth, is too much for even the most loving and deeply committed relationships to survive. It is probably the thing each of us fears the most as a consequence of living an honest life of integrity, even more than even losing our relationships with parents, siblings and other loved ones.

Tonight I grieve for “C’s” loss as I know she is heartbroken. I also live with the fear as many of us do, that even as strong as our marriage is, that there may come a point where Patty is no longer able to cope with that of which I ask in our relationship. It isn’t something that any one of us would wish on our worst enemy to have an identity in conflict with our biological bodies, though I am no longer ashamed of the reality of who I am. But it is sometimes too much to ask of a spouse even when they love us with all their heart.

“C”, please know that you are so in my thoughts and prayers and please know that though we live quite a ways away from each other, that I am here for you and I do care deeply about your pain.

I love you, dear sister.

Sherri