I'm Back From Southern Comfort Conference: Reflections and Observations

I'm home again from the Southern Comfort Conference. Well, actually I came home a week ago last week on Sunday. I was quite tired, had to work the next day and I've gone to bed fairly early each night until last night night when the Gods of Football television decreed that the University of Alabama begin their game at 9:15 P.M. local time, so I find myself tired again this morning and did not participate in my intentional community's service. Perhaps I will get back on track with that next week. I hope so, as I always feel better for having attended.

As always, I truly enjoyed my time at the conference. The Crowne Plaza Ravinia in the Perimeter area of Atlanta is simply a gorgeous venue and conveniently located across from a very nice mall and several very fine restaurants. Other shopping is convenient as well in the area and you won't get lost.

My workshop was well received and I'm always both flattered and humbled that people enjoy my presentation and I always give an historical context for the present state of the WPATH standards of care, as well as what the standards actually do state. There is a lot of myth about the standards of care that continues to abound. It confuses both people who are wanting to approach a transition and be healthy, and puts so many people off who resort to illegal sources to obtain hormones for a number of reasons. I'll be writing more on this topic next time.

Chloe Prince had a reception for Pink Essence members which was well attended and very lovely. She announced that she is launching a new web enterprise called TrueEssence.org. It's purpose is to be a one stop website to help people find the various resources we all need on our gender journey. This is a much needed service to our community and I wish her all the success in the world with this venture!

I didn't attend many workshops myself this time. Many of the topics I've heard on a number of occasions. This is not to say I am above it all or that there isn't more to learn, because there is always more to learn and I need to stay current so that I can help others better and for my own needs at this late time in my transition. I attended a workshop on transitioning in the workplace that was excellent and got a few ideas about better ways to go about taking this up with the workplace administration. The other workshops I attended were on sexuality for the male to female transsexual taking hormones and one on coping with and resolving internalized transphobia. That is a very important topic as even those of us have dealt mostly with coming to terms about who we are and coming to terms with the people in our lives, can sometimes feel a degree of doubt or guilt and shame creep into the back of our minds. Resolving internalized transphobia isn't like completing a contest, or arriving at a destination, just like the process of transitioning, it is a journey.

My purpose this time, besides the main purpose of presenting my workshop, was to get some time to destress from my practice of psychotherapy which has been very busy and undergoing a lot of changes with the changes coming with the new health care systems. I wanted to get a massage for a back problem and for the holistic health benefits from a therapeutic massage. So the good news is that I got my back straightened out after almost a month and I was able to return to playing golf this week. I played twice in fact! On Thursday I played 9 holes with a friend after work and then yesterday I played 18 holes by myself. I played well for my level of skill on both occasions. I'm playing on a course I've never played before this Wednesday afternoon that is rated #36  in difficulty in the United States. I'm pretty sure I will stink it up, but I never take the game seriously, don't get angry when I don't play well and generally have a fun time and get rid of my stress.

Another purpose was to network with other psychotherapists, gender surgeons, and other allied health care professionals who I know. I took the opportunity to meet some other professionals I hadn't met before.

Then of course one of the biggest reasons is to see old friends I don't to see more than a few times a year and some I only see once a year. Wonderful people and I wish I could see them more often. I have friends like them all over now because of the opportunity to give the workshops in various places.

One of the things I enjoy a great deal is the opportunity to make new friends and each time I go to give a workshop, I meet new friends and look forward to seeing them the next time I'm in their city. That's always a lot of fun for me!

One of the things I reflected on is the debate on gender identities and I recently wrote on that topic here. The article is called The Dialectic of the Gender Continuum. One of the things I wrote mentioned that various gender identities are all valid, though not necessarily having anything in common with each other. Before I went to the conference, I wrote another article about the important role conventions such as Southern Comfort play for our communities. Some people I know expressed that they no longer go to these conferences because they feel they have nothing in common with others who have different gender identities. They feel clearly different from people with other gender identities and don't wish to socialize with them. I find that attitude disappointing. While I personally don't feel as if my identity has common elements as a woman of transsexual experience, I don't like the idea that I shouldn't socialize with others because they are different. I think if those who segregate themselves from others with different gender identities were to reflect on this attitude, they might be shocked to realize that that notion is no different from segregation due to racism and that they would not find those attitudes to be attractive within themselves. I'm not going to like every person who identifies as a cross dresser, fetishistic transvestite, transgender, or whichever identity someone may claim, but I am going to like some of them and I would not wish to not have the opportunity to make a new friendship. I've found that I never have enough friends and that all my friends, close or not, have something to offer me or teach me. I'm pretty shy, people wouldn't guess that, but I do like people.

Along this same theme, I heard the attitude shared that many younger people at the conference philosophically don't like the idea of having a gender identity at all. They identify as gender queer or other similar labels and they would deny everyone their own right to a gender identity as male or female in a society of their own design. I find it interesting that they would segregate themselves and impose a societal code that denies others of their own gender identity. You see this theme in much of feminist academic writing and in the presentations these individuals give at workshops. They want to impose the use of new language in the use of pronouns that deny the existence of gender identity. Ironically, these folks seem to be a small proportion of those in the gender community. I can never see myself identifying as anything than "female" or "woman" and would feel oppressed by a society that denies me my own identity, much as these individuals feel oppressed by a society that expects them to have a gender identity of either male or female. I find that rather ironic that they would choose to subject others to the same oppression they seek to be freed from.

I hope that the gender communities will come to accept others with different identities than their own and not feel threatened by those identities that are different than their own, just as we expect the dominant culture to accept us and respect our place in an open and free society. Sometimes I think the dominant culture is way beyond us in acceptance of us when we can't be tolerant of others with different identities in our own community. What do you think?

She Gave Me Hope a Long Time Ago

As I had mentioned previously, When I was 12, I went to the library and started reading about people like me. That started a life long search in the literature to learn more about myself. I'd go to the library quite often and read the books about Transsexualism. I'd re-read the books that I had read before and read the new ones when they came in. I was too afraid to check them out so I could only read them for an hour or so at a time. This went on all through junior high and then high school. I was very fortunate that the Charlottesville Public Library had these books. In high school, I worked at U.Va. Hospital and then had access to the medical school library. Jackpot!! That gave me access to medical and other allied health care journals as well. The thing that struck me most (aside from THIS IS WHO I AM!!) was that there were so few of us that I felt so alone and so different in the world. I also thought that this is such a shameful thing that no matter what, I must let NO ONE know the truth about who I was. It continued into college, after college and then through grad school at the University of Alabama. Every time I went to the library, I'd almost inevitably get side tracked and go read the books about people like me. Even today, if I go to Barnes & Noble or online to look at books I still get sidetracked by looking for books on transgender themes and I have quite an extensive library that even includes all those old books long out of print that I read at the beginning when I was 12 and up.

A year after I graduated from the School of Social Work, I got married for the first time. The only thing I will always hold myself accountable for in the failure of my marriage was I didn't tell her the truth about myself before we married. No matter what her transgressions were, that is something that I was totally responsible for. She didn't deserve that. In my defense, I, like many of us who marry, thought it would go away. It didn't take long, maybe 6 months or so, to figure out that being transsexual wasn't nor will it ever go away. It wasn't until after my ex left that I came to the conclusion that I better make friends with this or it was going to kill me. Literally.

About a year after I was married, I made a decision that seemed inconsequential, but really gave me that first hope, just a glimmer of hope, that maybe there was a way for me to become the person I truly as I continue in the process of self-actualization today.

I had been working at the state hospital as director of the forensic unit, a unit whose mission is to care for those who were adjudicated Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity, or had not been able to be restored to competency to stand trial. This is a particularly political position for a mental health professional, and my assessments potentially had a controversial impact on communities and courts across the state of Alabama, as well as United States Federal Court in some instances as Bryce Hospital was still under Federal receivership due to the Wyatt vs Stickney landmark legal decision. That case resulted in nationally set standards for the care of institutionalized mentally ill people and is considered the "Bill of Rights" for institutionalized mentally ill people. While it was a very good job with the potential for rapid professional growth, it was also very stressful, and here is where I made a decision that changed the course of my life a bit. I decided that I needed to have a mental health day ( I called in sick). I really didn't do much of anything, I just really wanted to have a day to myself alone.

Early in the afternoon, after playing Ms Pacman for the 100th time or some of the other computer game I had (we're talking 1989 and the IBM XT. I was 32 years old), and talking to people on Compuserve, I decided to watch some TV. During those years, Geraldo Rivera had a day time talk show. That particular day, Geraldo has a guest whose name was Marsha Botzer. I didn't know who she was, but it turned out that she was a transsexual woman who had founded the Ingersoll Center in Seattle, Washington in 1977 (To put it into historical perspective, in 1977 I was finishing up my Freshman year at Bridgewater College).

I was rivited; never before had I ever seen or heard another person who was like me. I remember how nice and respectful he was in that interview towards her. I wanted to talk to her badly, but I knew I couldn't call her from home because my wife would question the phone call. I had no idea how to tell her about my most carefully guarded secret. Until this television show, I never talked to or heard another person like myself. I had thought that people like me were so rare that it would be nearly impossible to find or even to talk to someone like myself who could understand the depth of the emotional pain with that I lived.

The next day, back at work, I knew I had to take a risk. I used the work phone to call directory assistance in Seattle, got the number for the Ingersoll Center and after a few minutes of anxiety, called the Ingersoll Center and asked to speak to Marsha. I remember being really shy and telling her how I had seen her on TV the day before the day before. I told her about myself and that I had never known anyone else like me and it meant a lot to me that she would take a few minutes to spend on the phone talking with me. I told her that I was a clinical social worker and about my life growing up. She asked me if I would like some information about the Ingersoll Center and sent me a couple of brochures that I still have to this day. I've always remembered this experience and from time to time have shared that story with others.

As some of you know, this past September, I attended the Southern Comfort Conference where for the past three years I have presented my workshop and The World Professional Association of Transgender Health International Symposium. What a once in a lifetime experience that was for me! I met so many wonderful people, many I have only read about and never dreamed I would have the opportunity to meet.

After the morning workshop on Saturday, I was walking around feeling a bit alone and shy as I often do in new situations and found myself within speaking distance with Marsha. She now sits on the WPATH Board of Directors. Now, this was one of this OMG!! experiences for me! I just had to meet her and tell her what that experience so many years ago meant to me and thank her for that!

In talking to her, I became emotional and I could see that what I had said had touched her as well, just as I had been touched by her generosity with a few minutes of her time so long time ago. Then, the highlight of the conference for me and one of the highlights of my life was that she invited me to have lunch with her! WOW! That was such a wonderful experience. I'll never forget that.

You know, life is pretty short. We never know what little act of kindness, something we wouldn't think twice about doing, will have a profound impact on someone else's life. I think it's really important to let those people who touched your life in a meaningful way know what they have meant to you when that opportunity comes. You never know if you might ever have that opportunity again. It's always gratifying to be able to make someone else aware that they are appreciated for the things they do that makes things just a little bit better for others when the opportunity presents itself.