New Developments on the Sage Smith Case

Today (3/30/17), the Daily Progress reports that THREE MONTHS AGO the Charlottesville Police Department classified Sage Smith's disappearance as a homicide. Why was this not announced by the Charlottesville Police Department in December when they reclassified the case as a homicide investigation?

I can only speculate that the reason this has happened after four long agonizing years for Sage's family is that it was because she was a transgender woman, not a U.Va. coed who went missing. Remember all the resources poured into the cased of two U.Va. women who went missing? Perhaps their lives were more valuable because they came from wealthy families that attended a prestigious university, not some poor transgender woman of approximately the same age demographic as the missing U.Va. students. Perhaps I am being unfairly cynical, but I don't think so.

I do find it very disturbing that the Charlottesville Police Department reclassified this case as a homicide in December and is just now making that known to the public, almost four months later. What are we to make of that?

Here is the article from today's Daily Progress.

 Search for Sage Smith now a homicide investigation

• BY LAUREN BERG

More than four years ago, Sage Smith took a walk near West Main Street in Charlottesville on her way to meet an acquaintance and was never seen again.

On Wednesday, Charlottesville police said they are now investigating the case as a homicide.

“Sage wouldn’t have just walked off,” Smith’s grandmother Lolita “Cookie” Smith said. “Somebody took Sage from me. Something happened.”

Charlottesville police reclassified the case in December but waited to release the information publicly out of consideration for Smith’s family, Lt. Steve Upman said. After a shuffle in positions and roles at the police department, detectives also wanted time to take a fresh look at the case. There are no new searches planned, he said.

Smith, a transgender woman, was last seen Nov. 20, 2012, when she left an apartment on Harris Street and walked toward West Main Street to meet someone, according to police. The case was first classified as a missing person investigation and has remained active since Smith’s disappearance.

Police said Wednesday that the reclassification means the case is now a criminal investigation, which opens up resources outside the department — such as the United States Marshals Service — and could add weight to investigative tools such as search warrants.

“A missing person is not a criminal case, so we do not have the same investigative leeway,” Upman said. “By moving it to a criminal matter, it affords us not only additional resources outside the agency, but [also] provides more opportunities to search phone records and computers, that kind of thing.”

“That was not the reason to change it, but those are opened up,” he added.

City police said in 2012 that they had limited power to search Smith’s credit card and cellphone records because the case was not a criminal investigation.

Though police said they don’t have evidence of foul play, they reclassified the case because of its suspicious nature and how much time has passed with no sign of Smith. No single element of the investigation led to the decision, Upman said, but all the available evidence made it the most appropriate step.

Calling her granddaughter a “happy, go-lucky person” who loved to dance, Lolita Smith said she is angry that it took Charlottesville police so long to reclassify the case.

“Frankly, I don’t understand why they waited so long,” she said. “It’s been four years. I think the Charlottesville Police Department dropped the ball from day one.”

“I’m angry,” she said. “I don’t understand how some cases can be solved within a matter of days or weeks and my grandchild’s case hasn’t been solved yet.”

Police said they have been in contact with the family since the case began and are actively working to resolve it.

“It remains an active investigation and one we’re committed to hopefully solving,” Upman said.

Police said they designated the case as a homicide, rather than a death investigation, because there is not yet any hard evidence that Smith is dead.

“We haven’t heard from him since he went missing,” Upman said. “We’re hopeful death is not the outcome, but there is no new evidence and nobody has heard from him.”

The last person seen with Smith — who was 19 when she disappeared — was Erik Tyquan McFadden, then 25, who has since disappeared, as well. Police called McFadden a person of interest in the case, describing him as a black male, standing at 5 feet 10 inches, with black hair and brown eyes.

When he learned the case was reclassified, Bemeche Hicks, a friend of the Smith family, said he was glad to hear it brought back into the spotlight.

“I’m curious as to what information they have to make it into a homicide investigation, but I’m glad to know they have reopened it, more or less,” Hicks said. “Maybe they’ll get more information to bring people forward — whether it’s people who have information or maybe are associated criminally.

Texas Federal Judge Grants Injunction to Group Who Wants to Discriminate against Trans People's Right to Health Care

Yesterday, I read an article online in the Washington Examiner that a Federal judge in Texas granted a temporary injunction against regulations in the Affordable Care Act that mandates health care providers provide medically necessary health care services to people who identify as transgender.

 "The Catholic Benefits Association, which represents more than 700 Catholic employers including many hospitals, filed a lawsuit in federal court Dec. 28 in an effort to get its members exempted from the rule. Five states and several other Christian healthcare providers are already fighting the requirement in another case against the rule. A Texas judge halted the rule over the weekend.

The rule, which went into effect Jan. 1, says that doctors can't refuse to provide medically necessary health services within their scope of practice because of a patient's gender identity. For instance, a gynecologist couldn't refuse to perform a cervical Pap test for a transgender man .The rule doesn't explicitly require doctors to perform gender transition services, but it says providers can't refuse services they already provide based on discrimination. The Department of Health and Human Services wrote that it would deal with complaints of discrimination on a case-by-case basis, by looking into whether a doctor provides the same service when it's not related to gender transition.

"These provisions do not … affirmatively require covered entities to cover any particular procedure or treatment for transition-related care," the rule says." ( Washington Examiner 1/3/16)

Those who are suing believe that the rule can be interpreted so that medical providers would be compelled to specifically provide medical care for medications and procedures that are directly related to transitioning, such as prescribing hormones, gender reassignment surgery, feminizing voice therapy, or mental health services.

I think that their argument is specious at best; no health care professional can be compelled to practice in an area that they have no training or expertise (or interest for that matter). As a transsexual, I would not wish to place my health care for specific services that related to my own transition in the hands of a provider who did not have expertise in those areas related to my transition and ongoing medical care.

However, there are many areas of health care that we receive that have nothing to do with our transition. For instance, everyone needs to have the blood chemistrys, lipids and blood counts done done once or twice a year as part of routine health care. People need to be treated for high blood pressure and screened for breast cancer, colorectal cancers and other health conditions related to aging, regardless of their gender identity if they are biologically at risk for these conditions. I'm reminded of Robert Eads, who had ovarian cancer and was unable to find health care professionals in Georgia who refused to investigate symptoms that suggested cancer until it was too late for him to be cured and he died needlessly due to blatant discrimination based on his identity. I think such callous treatment of any human being is criminal.

It is concerning that some members of the new Trump Administration appear to be opposed to transgender rights established by the Obama Administration, notable Vice President elect Mike Pence. The nominee for the Health and Human Services Tom Price has also voiced opposition to the Obama Administration's policies as well, but Obama's agenda included allowing those who have not had gender reassignment surgery to use locker rooms and showers with cis gender individuals and personally, while I am for free access to public rest rooms, I think the Obama Administration's position on locker rooms and shower facilities were only trying to create a political wedge issue and there would have been much less opposition to enacting rules that allow for bathroom use only. 

It is difficult to find whether these individuals are strictly anti trans in every circumstance or whether they have more nuanced views. Primarily, I find the truth difficult to come by because the media is openly biased and does not report the news objectively any more. Transpeople are lumped in with GLB coalitions and people don't even understand who we are. The media certainly doesn't distinguish in reporting news that pertains to us. In any case, I think that if a health care professional refuses to provide medically necessary treatment that is non transition in nature, that health care provider should lose their license to practice.

 Again, time will tell. Mr. Trump himself appears to be at worst, neutral towards transgender people, and in some instances has expressed support for us.

I think it is incumbent for us to communicate with our legislators of every political persuasion by writing to them and writing in a respectful and well reasoned tone about what we believe. If one wants to persuade a legislature, one should not engage in hyperbole or be antagonistic in nature. We have more to gain by respecting civility, rather than engaging in a rant. 

Reply to Edy on my last blog article "Time Loves a Hero"

Generally, I would have responded to Edy's comment which was polite and respectful as a reply under her comment but because I expanded my remarks in detail, it was too long there to post and instead I will post it as a separate blog article. Please read Time Loves a Hero to put this entry into proper context!

 Dear Edy,

Thanks for commenting on my blog. Originally, I supported Ted Cruz because of many problems confronting our country that are much larger than the ones I have as a transsexual.

 Our current circumstances remind of what John Kennedy said- “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” Too often it is about what the government is going to do for me, anymore. I prefer to live my life with minimal interference or social engineering from the government.

Originally, I was for Ted Cruz because of what he stood for: Strong borders preventing people from entering our country illegally, a strong national defense, the willingness to prosecute a war against ISIS and Islamic terrorism, here in our country and abroad, and rebuilding the economy which has been pitifully lagging for the past 12 years or so. We need real jobs for people, not a lot of low paying part time jobs with no benefits that people can’t live on and no potential for potential career development. Initially, Ted Cruz looked as though he could deliver that better than the other Republican candidates.

It was towards the end of the primary election process that I learned what Ted Cruz was saying about people. As a result, I determined that Donald Trump would be the candidate I would support.

You mention the bathroom issue in North Carolina for being shocked that I would support Mr. Cruz or Mr. Trump. I believe the left created a problem where one really didn’t exist to attempt to create a wedge issue with voters.

This problem didn’t originate in North Carolina. It was originally created by the City Council of Houston, Texas, controlled by the democrats. They held a referendum on an ordinance for transgender rights to use public restrooms. People like me have been using the appropriate bathroom to our gender identity for quite some time. For the most part there have not been problems, particularly if we assimilated into our gender identity and have had our legal documentation changed. For the most part, the general public is not very well educated about the lives of transgender people. We have been largely invisible, something that has worked for me very well. I prefer it that way. The referendum was defeated, public attention and scrutiny of people who previously had no problems suddenly had unwanted attention cast their way. In response the City of Charlotte North Carolina passed an ordinance allowing transgender people to use the bathrooms appropriate to their gender identity. This provoked the North Carolina legislature to pass HB2 prohibiting transgender people from using the bathroom that is appropriate for them to use. Prior to the left getting involved there was not much of a problem. So I am saying “Thank You very little” for making my life more complicated.

Then to dump gas on a fire, Obama comes out saying transgender people will be allowed to use locker rooms and shower facilities. To me it’s an attempt to use people like me as pawns in the struggle of identity politics. I am adamantly opposed to being used for a fight that only served to further marginalize transpeople. Being pre op, I have no place in a woman’s locker room. After I have GRS,  then  that is an entirely different manner. Think about this: Why on earth would I want to put myself in a position to make other women feel uncomfortable with my presence? I share the same sentiments as genetic women about privacy and feeling a sense of safety when I use these facilities?

The bathroom is a totally different situation. Women’s bathrooms offer much more privacy. Everyone uses an individual stall with a door. You go in, do what you need to do, wash your hands and check your makeup and hair.

Let’s face it, NO ONE like to have something crammed down their throats, particularly when it’s something relatively unknown. I surely don’t. That’s why I feel like the left has used us like pawns. They don’t really seem to care about us individually, just as a collectivist block of votes. They see us as expendables. That’s why I don’t support the Democrats. It’s been the same way with the Gay Lesbian and bisexual political organ: they threw transsexuals under the bus as expendables since the times I can remember. We are an afterthought.

The Republicans in North Carolina were stupid to react to the Charlotte city council. They have been played like a fine Stradivarius violin. As they are poised to repeal HB2 in a deal with Charlotte, now Liberal Charlotte threatens to pull back to repeal their bathroom ordinance. They would rather score political points against Republicans and Conservatives than do the right thing and make the whole bathroom thing a nonissue again.

In any event, my belief is that my inalienable rights as a human are not granted or removed by any government; they are bestowed by my Creator, no matter how you define the Creator.

Donald Trump, the Islamic Radical Terrorist Threat, and American Politics

Donald Trump is a Republican candidate in the coming Presidential election. Recently, he called for a ban on allowing Muslim refugees from entering the United States on a temporary basis and has been denounced both by Democrats and the majority of  Republicans. The American news media have shed all pretense of being objective in vociferously attacking Trump rather than staying true to their role of simply reporting the news objectively. That isn't surprising however. The majority of news agencies have been pushing a liberal political agenda as long as I can remember going back to the late 1960's and now the minority of news agencies are no less objective in reporting by pushing a conservative agenda. It is curious, though, how many Republicans have joined the bandwagon calling him a racist and a bigot.

I am not a supporter of Donald Trump. Eight years ago he was a vociferous supporter of Barak Obama, who has easily eclipsed, in my opinion, the worst president of my lifetime, Jimmy Carter. Obama makes one nostalgic for the old days when Carter contributed to destroying the U.S. economy with high taxes and seriously weakened national security. He brought our nation the energy crisis that left us with terrible energy shortages. Gasoline was rationed in the summer of 1979 and I remember having to wait in long lines because you could only buy gas every other day depending whether your license plate ended in an even or an odd number. Jobs were difficult to come by and wages were lagging with inflation. President Carter brought us an economic index called the "Misery Index" Because of his perceived weakness as a President who was weak on national defense, we had the Iranian hostage crisis, which only ended after our citizens were held in captivity by Iran. His administration sold out our closest Middle East ally, Israel. He gave away the Panama Canal, which is now controlled by the People's Republic of China. Amazingly, the Iranian hostage crisis ended within the first several weeks after President Reagan was sworn into office as President of the United States. While Iran had no fear of Carter, they knew that President Reagan was not a leader to further antagonize. But even President Carter had the common sense to ban Iranians from entering our country and revoked the Visas of Iranian Students who were studying at our colleges and universities during that time of crisis.

President Obama cannot even identify the threat to our country as Radical Islamic terrorism. He consistently underestimates the threat ISIS poses to our country, calling them the (Junior Varsity) in January of this year after the first terrorist attack in Paris, and announcing that ISIS was contained the day before the horrific attack in Paris in November of 2015. My best hope is that he is merely incompetent and out of touch about the danger we face here and abroad, and my worst fear is that his pronouncements are a deliberate intent to aid and abet the destruction of our country and our way of life. His address last Sunday and the recent statements of our attorney general reveals that he and his administration consider us more of a threat to Muslims than Radical Islam is to the citizens of the United States. I find that quite astonishing.

When Reagan left office eight years later, our country was strong economically and our national defense was strong. It is really quite hard to believe that the United States has fallen so far in such a short period of time. My opinion is that much of the responsibility lies at the feet of liberal Democrats and center left to left leaning Republicans. Both the Democrat party and the Republican party have sold us out.

So why am I not a supporter of Donald Trump, you may ask? I am not a supporter of him for several reasons. While I agree with most of the things he says and what he says appears to resonate well with conservative people, the way he presents his views are unacceptable as he antagonizes people and does not try to persuade people who disagree with him. He does not present himself or his views in a presidential manner.

I also question whether he is a Trojan Horse, really a liberal democrat who is out to destroy any chance of electing an alternative to Hillary Clinton who will continue the policies of destroying our country that Barak Obama began. Apparently, he is a good friend of Ms. Clinton's too. I simply do not trust him to govern in a manner that is consistent with his stated political opinions. I do believe that he is an extremely divisive figure and not a uniting force in America.

As far as his opinion that we should temporarily ban Muslims from entering our country, I agree with that position as our government has proven itself incompetent in screening Muslim Immigrants coming into our country. In Europe, we have seen that ISIS (or ISL, or however we call them on any given day) has secreted terrorists among the refugees flooding the European Union. Mr. Trump NEVER said that Muslims in America today should be rounded up, interred in prison camps or expelled from our country. He simply believes that no Muslims should be granted entrance to our country until we can determine who they are, their history and whether they pose a threat to our country. Given that a Pew Poll in 2013 found that 13% of Muslims in our country are sympathetic to Radical Islam and would like to see Sharia Law imposed in America, his position seems prudent.

Here in America, we have accepted almost no Christian refugees (less than 1% and more persecuted than anyone in the Middle East), while the majority of  Muslim refugees are not women and children, but young men of military age. There is something VERY WRONG with this picture, and our government has no clue about the background of these people they are allowing into our country, even in the face of vocal opposition of the majority of the American people. In my opinion, this is a prescription for disaster.

Until we can find a way of learning exactly who these Muslim people are, my hope is that they will be prevented from entering the United States until they can be properly identified and certified accurately as not being a threat to American citizens. These people do not want to assimilate into American Life, many want to bring Sharia law to our country. They are hostile to Western values and are hostile to the existence of transgender people. We need to find ways of properly evaluating each of the refugees before they are cleared to enter our country
. 

It's 2015 and Sage Smith is Still Missing

Sage Smith is a young transgender woman from Charlottesville, VA  who is still missing. I say "is" because we still don't know of her fate, except that she was supposed to meet a man from Minnesota who came to Charlottesville to meet her. She disappeared in December 2012 and while there have been some feeble leads, no one has been able to find out her fate.



I never knew Sage. I don't know anyone in her family. I have no contact with the Transgender Community in Charlottesville, partly because I live 25 miles from Charlottesville, partly because in a relatively rural area, almost every person who is transgender has been a patient of mine, and I can't have relationships outside of my work with people I work with for at least two years after my work with them is done and over.

More information was released by Charlottesville, VA police this past November and featured on NBC channel 29 in Charlottesville, which I discovered today:

"Charlottesville Police Offer New Details in Dashad 'Sage' Smith Case

Posted: Nov 16, 2015 4:50 PM ESTUpdated: Nov 30, 2015 5:07 PM EST

 

File Images: Dashad Smith

 

File Image: Erik McFadden

• RELATED ARTICLE: After One Year, DaShad Smith Still Missing

• RELATED ARTICLE: Tracking the Dashad 'Sage' Smith Investigation

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va (WVIR) -

Investigators with the Charlottesville Police Department (CPD) are releasing new details about the disappearance case of a transgendered teenager.

Dashad “Sage” Smith vanished from along West Main Street almost three years ago.

Police are now saying the only person of interest in the case likely didn't have a hand in the disappearance.

Investigators working the case have released a new timeline of events from the night Smith vanished. Detectives say Smith left home to meet Erik McFadden at the Amtrak Train Station about 5:40 p.m. on November 20, 2012.

• 5:17 p.m. - Smith sends text message to Erik McFadden, “When r u leaving”
• 5:20 p.m. - McFadden replies, “I already did.  I’m at the Hampton Inn.”
• 5:17 to 5:40 p.m. - Smith and McFadden exchange various text messages.
• At approximately 5:40 PM Smith leaves his residence.
• 6:08 p.m. - McFadden sends text message to Smith, “Where u at?”
• 6:12 p.m. - McFadden sends text message to Smith, “I’m standing here where r u?”
• 6:18 to 6:37 p.m. - Smith talking on his phone with friend from Northern Virginia. Texts from McFadden come in during this time frame, but it is unknown if Smith read them.
• 6:27 p.m. - McFadden sends text message to Smith, “Bye u stood me up smh”
• 6:35 p.m. - Witness sees Smith walking on 4th Street NW. Smith stops and talks to witness at a bus stop in the 400 block of West Main Street. Smith tells witness he is going to meet someone at the Amtrak Station.
• 6:40 p.m. - Smith walks westbound on West Main Street.
• 7:00 p.m. - Unconfirmed account puts Smith alone at Wild Wing Café, which is next to the train state.

A separate witness said three “cross-dressers” were seen inside the restaurant that evening. No video was available to assist in identifying them or to verify Smith was there. Police also note that there is no one that saw Smith at the train station.

According to a witness, Smith was wearing grey and black rain boots with purple and pink lining, grey sweatpants, and a black jacket with a hoodie.

McFadden told police the meeting never happened.  McFadden had sent an email to his girlfriend saying he did meet with Smith, but added he was scared off by a group of approaching people.

McFadden disappeared a few days later, and has been considered a person of interest in the case.

Police are now backing off of McFadden for several reasons: Investigators don't believe McFadden had the means to dispose of a body. "Phone records indicate that they may not have gotten together at all," said CPD Captain Gary Pleasants.

"Someone somewhere at some point in time saw Dashad that afternoon. Maybe they saw him walking up the street alone. Maybe they saw him walking with someone else. Maybe they saw him get into a car, or go into a building. That's the person we need to hear from," said CPD Chief Tim Longo.

Chief Longo is also publicly talking about raising the reward for information. "I would like to think it would be more than money, but you know in this case we're taking every step we can to persuade people," he stated.    

"Any little thing, any little thing can help us. It's been three years and we're getting pretty desperate. I know I am, as a mother, I'm desperate to know where my baby is," said Latasha Grooms, Smith’s mother.

Police plan to be out in the area of West Main Street Friday, Nov. 20. They will be putting up missing person posters to generate new leads.

Anyone with information is asked to call Crime Stoppers at 434-977-4000.

A $20,000 reward is currently being offered in the case."

"

PLEASE, if you have any information that can help the police in Charlottesville and Albemarle county find Sage alive or find out her fate, I'm sure it would bring great comfort and peace to her loved ones.

The 2015 National Center For Transgender Equality Trans Survey

I'm sorry to have overlooked posting this sooner, but an important opportunity is at hand. The National Center For Trans Equality is seeking respondents for its second survey that is the most important study to identify transgender issues about access to health care, employment discrimination, mental health, substance abuse, public access to activities and education, to name some of the very important things that we as members under the umbrella "transgender" face.

The first survey revealed important information that was brought to public attention and made a tremendous contribution to the expansion of our freedoms and access to healthcare. It is important that no matter how you identify under the umbrella of "transgender" that you participate in the survey, even if you responded to the survey the last time it was offered. Don't believe your voice makes a difference? Maybe not in a lot of circumstances, but here it really does and it is worth the 20 to 30 minutes to take your time and respond to the survey!

A big and heartfelt THANK YOU to Mara Keisling and all the folks at the National Center For Transgender Equality.....

Here is the Link to the survey:  http://www.ustranssurvey.org/

Whose Rights Matter Here?

I saw two news reports today involving two transwomen. In one case the question is raised about the rights of the individual vs. the rights of society, in this case, the rights of other teenage girls to be afforded a dressing room without a preoperative teenage transsexual girl sharing the locker room with them. The other case involves the rights of an adult transsexual woman to complete her transition by having gender reassignment surgery vs. her parents' desire to block her from having the surgery. In that case, a Pennsylvania judge has issued a stay preventing the woman from having her surgery until the case can be heard.

Because the transsexual girl is a minor, I have chosen to delete her name from the news report by the CBS news affiliate who did publish her name. I don't think publishing her name is the proper thing to do.

In the first case, the CBS affiliate in St. Louis, Missouri reports: " Over 150 Missouri high school students voiced their displeasure about a transgender teen using the girls’ locker room by walking out of class.

Students at Hillsboro High School staged a two-hour walkout Monday over 17-year-old  (the student), a student who has identified as a female since she was 13, using the girls’ locker room during gym class.

The school offered (the student) a gender-neutral bathroom, which she turned down. St. Louis attorney Timm Schowalter says, “All students have a right, under Title 9, to access the bathroom of their choice.”

Family members of high school students were also holding a protest.

“Boys need to have their own locker room. Girls need to have their own locker room, and if somebody has mixed feelings where they are, they need to have their own also,” protester Jeff Childs told KMOV. Childs was holding a “Girls Rights Matter” sign.

Tammy Sorden, whose son goes to Hillsboro High School, believes it’s not right to give (the student) special treatment “while the girls just have to suck it up.”

“The girls have rights, and they shouldn’t have to share a bathroom with a boy,” she told the Post-Dispatch."

As a preoperative transsexual myself, I find myself agreeing with the female students of the high school. I don't think they should have to share a locker room with a preoperative transsexual. That is an environment in which there is not the privacy afforded in a regular women's bathroom. This is an environment in which women are fully disrobed in front of each other and I do think it is important to be sensitive to their feelings about this situation. Personally, at this point in my own transition I think it would be terribly disrespectful to subject genetic women and postoperative transsexual women to my presence in the locker room. In the news report or in the protests by the high school students, I do not see any mention of the girls objecting to this preoperative transsexual girl sharing the regular restrooms. This indicates to me that this particular school's students and faculty are rather tolerant of the transsexual students presence in another intimate place, albeit not as intimate as a locker room. To me the transsexual student is being insensitive to the feelings of the very people she is trying to assimilate with. This is not the way to go about it, in my opinion.

In the second case, I will include the name of the transsexual woman because she is an adult.

The Associated Press reports " A transgender woman whose parents went to court Wednesday to block her gender-reassignment surgery in Pennsylvania said she would rather die on the operating table than continue living with male anatomy.

Christine Kitzler, 48, said during a break in the emergency hearing that the risk factors her father raised - including complications from her HIV and Hepatitis C diagnoses - were worth enduring to have her body match the gender she's identified with since growing up in suburban Cleveland, Ohio.

The surgery, temporarily halted earlier this week by a suburban Philadelphia judge as he considers a longer stay, would also save her from backsliding into alcohol and drug addiction, Kitzler said.

Her parents, Klaus and Ingrid Kitzler, contend Kitzler is not competent to make an informed decision to have the surgery because of depression and a childhood learning disorder, and want a temporary guardian named.

"I might die from this. But it's worth dying," Kitzler said. "I would rather die than live the way I was and return to my bad addictions, like alcohol, because I can't do it and I won't do it."

Kitzler's surgery had been scheduled for Tuesday in Pennsylvania, but Bucks County Judge C. Theodore Fritsch Jr. stopped it after her parents' lawyers filed for an injunction and asked for time for reflection before she goes through with what they called an irreversible surgery.

Testifying at the hearing, Klaus Kitzler underscored his concern for his daughter's health. He said he would accept her surgery if an independent psychiatrist deemed her fit to make the decision.

"I accept it, but I want to stop it," Kitzler told the judge. "I would love to have a son back who goes to church with us on Sunday mornings."

Christine Kitzler, who lives in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, has already been through 16 months of pre-operative preparation, including a 24-hour fast before Tuesday's scheduled surgery, and has received clearances from mental health professionals that she is knowingly and willingly undergoing gender reassignment, her doctor said.

Her lawyer, Angela Giampolo, said she had never seen competency invoked to block a gender-reassignment surgery.

"This isn't a competency hearing. This isn't a guardianship hearing. It's a difference of opinion," the prominent Philadelphia gay-and-transgender-rights lawyer said.

Giampolo said Kitzler's parents are trying to prevent her from living an authentic life. They said they fear Klaus and Ingrid Kitzler want to bring her back to Ohio, win a court action there and permanently block the surgery.

"They have a daughter. They don't have a son," Kitzler said. "I'll have the parts. I am a woman." "

Ms. Kitzler is an adult and she has made a carefully informed decision that having gender reassignment surgery is necessary for her to have a quality of life that makes life itself worth living.

In my opinion, the arguments that she has suffered from depression, has a history of addiction and has a learning disorder are all specious arguments. And here is one reason why the WPATH standards of care exist. 

Let's take this point by point: 1. Ms. Kitzler is an adult and as an adult it is her right to pursue gender reassignment. 2. Show me a person who is transsexual and never suffered from depression to one degree or another. I don't believe there are enough of individuals who have not been depressed in people who are transsexual to be considered statistically significant. 2. Transsexual individuals experience higher rates of addiction and substance abuse than the general population. 3. Having a learning disability in no way impacts the decision to make a gender transition. 4. Having HIV and Hepatitis C infections does not necessarily preclude one from having surgical procedures. 5. None of the above factors generally diminish legal competency.

Because of the guidance of WPATH standards of care, Ms. Kitzler was screened by mental health professionals and found that her mental health and substance abuse issues at this time are not a barrier to treatment and that she is making a well informed and competent decision to pursue gender reassignment surgery. Her physicians have assessed her and found her to be a good surgical risk and are willing to perform the procedure. This should be the end of the story, but it isn't. Her father's sole reason for seeking the court's intervention is that " I just want to have a son who goes to church with us on Sunday mornings." 

If the truth be told, he never had a son, though I do believe he didn't know that for many years. Transsexuals become skilled at living a life and acting out a life that is not authentic. Wouldn't if be more loving and affirming if her father had said, "I'll be looking forward to having my daughter to go to church with us on Sunday morning." 

When this sad episode is over, I'm guessing he will neither have a son or a daughter. My guess is that Ms. Kitzler will never wish to speak to her parents again, or at least for so long a period of time that there will not be much time left in life for them to share. Really, how sad is that? What a terrible thing to happen.

A Poor Role Model: Transsexual Reporter Assaults Fellow Journalist

One of the things I think is important for people who are transgender and choose to be public about their gender identity is that they do their best to present a positive image of transgender people in public. What one does in their private life is generally of no interest to me unless they are seriously violating the rights and the safety of others.

I was very disappointed to see news reports that this past week on a Headline News Network episode of Dr. Drew. Breitbart news journalist Ben Shapiro and Zoey Tur, a reporter for the television show Inside Edition, who is public about her gender identity, were debating whether Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as Bruce Jenner Olympic Decathlon Gold Medalist, deserved to be given the honor of being awarded the Arthur Ashe Courage Award.  This award is given to sports figures who exemplify courage off the playing field by ESPN sports network.

While it is evident that Mr. Shapiro is uninformed about the condition of Gender Dysphoria (formerly called Gender Identity Disorder), some comments he made towards Ms. Tur were extremely insulting and demeaning (He called her "Sir"). Her retaliatory behavior by grabbing him by the neck on television and threatening to "send him home in an ambulance" was grossly inappropriate and by putting her hands on him, she committed an assault and battery upon his person. Anyone who touches someone else without their permission meets the criminal definition of assault and battery.

Ms. Tur's bad behavior did not end live on television. She further threatened him saying "I'll see you in the parking lot" and several days later tweeting that she would like to "curbstomp" him.

Not only did Ms. Tur represent herself and others who are transgender poorly in a very negative light, she generated some significant negative attention to the transgender community as a whole by her impulsive and thoughtless behavior. She squandered an important opportunity to distinguish herself from someone who is ignorant and bigoted towards others who suffer from gender dysphoria. Mainstream society will not remember his comments, but they will remember Ms. Tur's comments and behavior.

The vast majority of people are not transgender, nor to their knowledge have they ever met someone who identifies as transgender. There just aren't that many of us. Most of us who experience gender dysphoria are rather secretive about it, fearing negative reactions from others. Ms. Tur certainly didn't help the community join and be accepted into mainstream life by her actions. My opinion is that she failed us all badly whether one is transgender or not. No one should carry on and act the way she did in response to verbal comments, no matter how distasteful the recipient of such remarks find them. There are better ways to handle bigots and transphobic people.

For those who do know about my former life as a male, I want to be a positive role model for other transgender people. I want to be seen as someone who is more like anyone else in our culture than different. I want to be seen as making a positive contribution than being seen for my differences and negative actions. Yes, it is an added burden, a consequence of having had a transgender identity, but it really isn't one that is so difficult to carry.

What do you think?

19 Kids and Counting: The Duggar Family

I happened to be watching television last week and saw a two part news report about the Duggar Family.  I had vaguely heard of them from their television reality show 19 Kids and Counting. I really  didn't know much about them except they were Christians with a huge family. I've never seen the show and really had no interest in them one way or the other until now.

It seems that prior to the beginning of their television series there had been a terribly sad situation where their then 15 year old son molested several of his younger sisters and a babysitter who was also younger than him. He apparently confessed to this of his own volition and was sent away to get some form of help for this. The family managed to move on from this tragedy and have become a sort of cultural icon to those who espouse conservative Christian values. It is unclear to me if their son was sent away for residential treatment specializing in the treatment of sex offenders or whether he was sent to some residential Christian counseling program. There are huge differences in these treatment modalities.

There are two things that bother me about this situation and I want to share my views on those two things. The first thing is that sealed records regarding minors that should have never been opened were exposed by the press who identified the victims of the Duggar’s son publicly. That never should have happened and retraumatized for the victims, perhaps in a manner far worse than the original trauma of being molested by a family member. This should have never happened. That act was unconscionable.

We also know that Mr. and Mrs. Duggar are extremely bigoted people.  Mrs. Duggar has publicly referred to transgender people as pedophiles. She believes that people such as myself transition in order to prey upon children and she tried to help support a bill before the Arkansas state legislature to ban people who have transitioned from using the appropriate public bathroom facilities because she believes that people like me transition so that we can prey upon children in the women's bathroom. She expressed  this unbelievably ignorant  and damaging opinion by campaigning publicly in an automated phone call to voters of Arkansas. 

The truth of the matter is that transgender people are at an exponentially higher risk of being sexually assaulted or other wise being victimized by violent crimes committed by cisgender people than transgender people sexually assaulting or committing violent offenses against cisgender people. It's almost as if her shrill hysteria about transgender people is a smoke screen for the sexual violence that was perpetrated by a family member within her own family.

I was shocked to see on the news report how the Duggars stated that their son is not a pedophile and he has been forgiven by his victims and the rest of the family. It’s fascinating to watch their level of denial about this matter in view of what their opinions are about transgender people. Their son essentially gets a pass from the family for being a child molester while they publicly try to persecute people like me.My fascination is a lot like watching a car accident about to happen which can no longer be avoided. You experience the horror, but you just can’t look away.

 At one time, I used to hold a level II sex offender treatment provider license in the Commonwealth of Virginia. Due to the son having been 15 and not 16 at the time of his offenses, he technically is not considered a pedophile, but it is most concerning that he had multiple victims and if he had been a few months older, he would be considered by the criteria to be a pedophile. There is no denying however that his behavior was predatory in nature and he had several victims who he serially sexually abused in a planned out manner. Moreover, sex offenders have a notoriously high rate of reoffending, though this does not appear to be the case with Josh Duggar to the best of our knowledge. However, as time goes by, more women who had been victimized by him may emerge from the shadows. We shall have to wait and see.

For the life of me, I cannot understand how Mrs. Duggar can make such uninformed and stupid comments about a class of people she knows nothing of and accuses them of something so heinous as pedophilia without a shred of evidence in such a cavalier manner with this mess lying at her doorstep. But of course, in the case of the Duggars, their son is repentant and that makes everything fine. Nothing to look at there, people, please move along and pretend nothing ever happened. Just agree with them and point your fingers and condemn transgender people publicly instead of discussing the very real danger their son posed to his sisters and other females in the community.

It seems to me that people in glass houses should not be casting stones. It is my hope that the Duggars will no longer be afforded a public forum to spread false beliefs and spew their hatred born of ignorance over the public air waves.

We would never have known about how deeply the Duggar’s hypocrisy truly runs if it were not for the release of police records that should never have been revealed. The true victims are the girls who have been traumatized again and I am deeply sorry that happened to them. However, with this new information, I would like to see an organized effort to remove these people from the public forum by cancelling their television show. They do not appear to be healthy role models for America.

Further Along: How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Well, Its been quite a long time since I updated the blog about what has been going on in my life. When last I wrote about the bigoted, transphobic and inexcusable hatred directed by my daughter in law and stepson towards me and towards poor Patty who did not deserve the treatment she received from them, I knew that if I did not take positive action to help us both, we would both fall into despair. The real victim in all of that episode was Patty. For her to essentially lose the relationship she had with her son for things that have nothing to do with her directly was a terrible and unjust loss. We really didn't expect anything else from our daughter in law. She never liked me from the day we met over 20 years ago and it was clear to Patty as well that she didn't like Patty either. Nasty remarks she had made about Patty to another of our children's spouse came back to us,so being cast out of her life was no real loss to either Patty or me.

While I thought that my stepson and I were very close at one time. He had told me that I was like a father to him as his father had left the family when he was very young. Two years ago when my own father died, he never even lifted the phone to offer any kind of support or comfort to me during one of the most difficult times in my life. After the initial shock of my step daughter's bad behavior, his refusal to talk to me about my being transsexual was no surprise to me. It was a reflection of the weakness of his character. My daughter in law had verbally attacked Patty about me, she was too much of a coward and a bully to speak to me about this. she saw Patty as an easy target. So this loss of family, while painful, was not nearly as hard for me as it was for Patty and my main concerns have been for her. Not visiting on Christmas or other occasions was actually a relief for me as I am glad I don't have to see them anymore. when I have known for years I really wasn't welcome at their home by my daughter in law.

To watch Patty suffer through this was heartbreaking for me though and I knew I had to do something to be here with her more and spend more time with her that our daily lives generally do not allow us to be together as much as we both long for. I also knew that with my own history of depression that I could not allow myself to fall back into depression. Truthfully, I can say I have not had a depressed day since I transitioned, but I have a real fear of ever becoming depressed as I was the prior 6 years before I did transition.

So I made a decision to take an extra day off from work each week. I am fortunate to work a four day work week with every Wednesday off. That has allowed me to play golf and attend to business matters that can't be taken care of on the weekends as well as having more time during the week with Patty. I was fortunate to be able to take Tuesdays off for the summer months giving me two days off in a row during the week and of course my two day weekends.

We decided to start doing home renovations that were long over due and to take more time for each other. I was also able to play golf more often as my back allowed, which I find is good for my spiritual condition. Our house is over 130 years old and my father had bought it in 1969. He remodeled it then and it was time to renovate again, but I never seemed to have the time to make any big improvements. We had also inherited two estates over the past 20 years and much of that stuff had been cluttering the house for years.

So what we did was rented a construction site sized dumpster and began decluttering, and getting rid of the debris from the renovations that we did! By the summer's end we had filled the dumpster completely which was my goal!

As far as the house was concerned we came up with a two year plan to upgrade and repair the house. I also had a lot of help from a good friend all summer long. I couldn't have gotten done all that we accomplished without his help. Patty and I enjoyed his company and he would bring his dog over to play with Jack which was good for Jack as well. After a hard day's work, Patty or I would cook him a wonderful meal and enjoy his company and friendship. It was truly a reflection of the depth of his friendship to be so generous with his time and energy to help us get so much.

First we emptied out the utility room and scrubbed down the floors, walls and ceilings. This probably had not been done in 20 years as because of Patty's and my physical disabilities we were unable to do much in the way of heavy work, but I have been blessed to have had a wonderful recovery from my cervical spine surgery and can do a lot of things I thought I would never be able to do again (like play golf!). We got rid of the accumulated clutter in there as well and got the room organized.

Then we started pulling up old tile and carpet downstairs and upstairs, The tile wasn't too bad for the most part, but I never realized that when you take up old carpet, then you have to pull up the various tack boards and staples out of the floor that holds the carpet in place. That was tedious work!

We bought ourselves a new refrigerator and had new energy efficient windows installed downstairs. I felt ambivalent about replacing those old windows because of the antique wavy glass which added a nice touch to our old house, but the need to be energy efficient made the decision necessary.

Then we began the project that took up over half of the summer and into late fall. We painted the lower portion and the larger part of the metal roof. We decided to not paint the high part of the roof because it needs to be replaced and that is part of next year's project. We just got done with that by the time it got too cold to paint outside as it took much longer than we thought it would. The last time the roof was painted, the people I hired did a very poor job and it began peeling in months after it was painted. First we had to scrape down the roof removing the old paint. I think that the people I hired didn't do that and that is why it peeled. Then we primed the roof and after that painted it. This year, I will have the upper roof replaced and touch up the roof that we painted from whatever damage the winter has done.

I have been a coin collector since I was 7 or 8, but never organized my collection in any meaningful way. So I really didn't know what I have in my collection. I spent many enjoyable hours organizing and cataloging my collection on a spread sheet so I know what I have. I enjoy identifying and organizing my foreign coins as much as my American coins, Its also fun to find out the history of what was going on when the coins were first struck and circulated as some coins were struck due to historical circumstances and there are some very interesting stories behind the images on some coins.

One story I will share is about the "flying eagle" once cent coin which was only struck and circulated for two years in 1857 and 1858. It was used before the Indian head penny. The eagle lived at the Philadelphia mint. It was a wild eagle and not captive, so it would come and go as it pleased. The men who worked at the mint considered it as sort of their pet and named him "Pete" So it is Pete the eagle who was the model for that coin! Sadly, Pete met an untimely and tragic end. Somehow, Pete got his wing caught in one of the coin stamping presses and despite doing everything they could to try to save Pete, he did not survive the injury and died from his injuries.Another reason I didn't write here for so long is that I have spent a lot of time on creative writing this summer and fall. Patty is a quite talented poet and is a published author. I have also written poetry over the years and featured my favorite poem that I wrote from the 1980's called the Tao of Fishing earlier on this blog.

We have been fascinated with the Japanese form of poetry called Haiku. True Haiku is written only about nature and follows the form of three lines with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second and five in the third line. I have written in the past that I can see that even though born male and raised male that I had a girlhood growing up, albeit a very unusual one, mainly in my inner life. I decided to write a long form poem using Haiku poetry structure as the format for each stanza. When it is ready for publication, I will post it here.

We are getting ready to have a new back door installed which will be stronger and better insulated as well. I have also been preparing to paint the upstairs hallway and bathroom, which we will do in two weeks.

This summer I'm planning to take an extra day off each week again. We have the upstairs windows to replace and more decluttering to be done so that we can have those windows replaced, as well as removing the old tile in the bedrooms and bathrooms. We need to have the down stairs bathroom redone and then we can finish painting the upstairs. After that we will repaint the downstairs as well.
We have some minor painting to do outside on some outbuildings too.

So the lesson I would leave you with from my experiences this summer is that in the face of such adversity, it is important to focus on the blessings in your life. Find positive things to do that will enrich the quality of your life and do not dwell on what cannot be helped.

In the end, who really lost from my stepson's and daughter in law's malicious attitude? Patty certainly did and to a much lesser degree I did as well, but what did they lose? They lost our love and generosity. They tried to turn my stepson's brother and sister against us and that failed, largely due to my daughter in law's nasty treatment towards them which they are aware of and now my stepson feels totally alienated from his whole family. He has no one left there for him in his family due to his wife's actions.

In the future when it is time for me and Patty to leave this earth, they will not benefit from what we could have left them, nor will their children be helped to go to college or get their own start in life as we are not allowed to have anything to do with our grandchildren. In the end, they will have been hurt more by their own bigotry and hatred than they ever hurt us when the inevitable hard times we all experience in life come along. This has to do with the time I have spent in prayer asking for my anger to be taken away and to forgive them, not for their sake, but so that I will have peace in my life. To be frank, it is a way to become indifferent to what they have done to us. I have found that engaging in that spiritual discipline always works, but it doesn't work immediately. But it has always worked for me.

On the Occasion of the Seventieth Anniversary of the Liberation of Auschwitz

On Tuesday January 27th, the world observed seventieth anniversary of the liberation of the Nazi German death camp Auschwitz in Poland by the American army. Approximately 300 Jewish survivors of this nightmarish extermination prison were able to attend on what to me was one of the saddest and most somber occasions in my memory.

The memory of the liberation of this death camp in the last days of World War II is quickly slipping from our consciousness as fewer and fewer survivors of the Holocaust survive to remind us. With their passing, the reality of man's inhumanity to man appears to have diminished as well as the world's resolve to never let such an atrocity to occur again.  Perhaps the world has never learned the lessons of such sadistic oppression and annihilation of a people based on race or religious beliefs or ones' identity. I base that statement on observing many genocides that have been perpetrated on races of people and various peoples of faith and identity all over the world that have occurred in my lifetime as the world community looks on and turns a blind eye.

Presently, we have seen a resurgence of antisemitism in Europe the Middle East, Africa and here in the United States. We see daily reports of terror attacks by Muslims on Jews and Christians in the name of Allah, both by organized military groups and by individuals all over the world. We live in a climate in which our President Obama is unwilling to name violent acts by Muslims for what they are: Islamic terrorism. Nor is Mr. Obama willing take any real effective action to end the violence and oppression of Jews, Christians, women and other minorities.

Whether this is due to a position of sympathy for Islamic perpetrators of violence or outright fear of naming and condemning the perpetrators of violence as Islamic extremism has yet to be determined. We may never know his true motivations for many years to come, as it is only the passage of time before history allows the truth to come to light about what is happening now. Will it be too late or will it ever happen at all?

There is a profound failure of the good people of the Islamic faith to confront the radical violent elements of their faith and take a stand against them. It is no different than the failure of the good people of Germany who would not take a stand against the violence perpetrated against Jews, Gays, Gypsies, and people with mental and developmental disabilities in the name of racial purification by the Nazis.

 It is no different than the good people of the America who turned a blind eye to the terrible and horrific violent oppression of Black Americans in America after the American Civil War was settled and the institution of the enslavement of Black people was ended, yet their institutionalized suffering, oppression and disenfranchisement continued through the late 1960's.

It is a failure that will end in more instances of genocide and the oppression of people of all races and faiths and identities. If allowed to continue, it will result in the same end for us that Nazi Germany came close to accomplishing against others who were not of the Aryan race.

While the American Left appears to be apologetic and quite tolerant towards Radical Islam, they ignore the threat to their own cherished values. They will not be spared as the rest of us will not be spared. Our President Obama seems to harbor an animus towards the Jewish people that is palpable and he seems to tacitly embrace the culture of violence and destruction towards all those who are different or believe differently than Radical Muslims do.

As a woman of transsexual experience, I am fearful of the policies of the White House. While the Obama administration has done more to promote the civil liberties and freedoms that I enjoy because of legislation he has enacted, the policies he pursues in the international arena will lead to the violent oppression of Jews, Christians, women, gays, lesbians, and transsexuals. Even their lives will be sacrificed simply for being who they are or for their religious beliefs.

The passage was written during the Jewish Holocaust by Pastor Martin Niemöller:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

It is as true today as when it was written. What will you do when they come for you because of your identity or your beliefs? Who will stand for you?

Disowned, the Story Continues, Oddly Enough

Surprisingly, I find that my Daughter in Law is apparently aspiring to become my cyber stalker. For someone who made it clear to Patty a little over 24 hours ago that she wants nothing more to do with us, she was on the phone again bright and early at 8 am this morning to continue to harass Patty over what I had published here less than 8 hours before that about her uninvited verbal attack on us.

She told Patty that what I had written was a "pack of lies", but Patty who then read my blog after the phone call found nothing I had written to be untrue.

If I were dead to her and did not exist as she informed Patty yesterday, one would think she would have better things to do with her time than obsess over anything I might write about.

Perhaps it has something to do with her failed attempt to turn Patty's daughter against us. She seemed to have a need to call her to tell her all about this but my stepdaughter's response was that if her mother and I were happy together then it was no concern of hers.
Considering how she attacked my stepdaughter's husband two years ago, calling her was a rather pathetic move on her part. Her behavior is becoming rather laughable! Quite a change for Patty and me in less than 24 hours.

I thank God my prayers to Him asking him to bind her from harming Patty and me have been answered! Once again, it has been proven in a powerful way that God always answers prayer.

Patty and I were discussing these developments this evening after I came home. We began thinking about what she would do if one of her children came to her and told her that they were transsexual. Given that no one asks to be transsexual because of the hatred and disgust people like my daughter in law harbor towards us, we wondered if she would tell them they too were vile, disgusting and perverted as she thinks about me and about Patty whose only transgression is to love me? For my grandchildren's sake, I pray this does not come to pass. It is sad to know that so many transsexual young people are thrown away by their families like garbage. She seems to be someone who is capable of being that way in my opinion.

It also gives me pause to worry that as a health care provider, would her bigoted and hateful attitudes translate into abusive or neglectful care of a transsexual patient if someone like me would be unfortunate enough to be placed under her care. It is highly likely she will encounter a number of patients like me before her career is over and she retires. I know I would be fearful to have someone with her attitudes responsible for my care.

It is both my and Patty's wishes that she do what she said she would do last night; leave us alone and stop bothering us. Enough said.

Disowned

In the span of a little over an hour, my life took another radical change again. At first, I thought it had taken a serious turn for the worse. It felt catastrophic and I wanted to vomit. Then I felt empty and could not put any words together. I wanted to die, but I had no urge to kill myself. I was not suicidal. I just wondered why my life goes on and why can’t it just be over. I had no answers for those questions, but that all turned around in a rather short period of time as you will see.

What happened was that shortly after I got home from work, my daughter in law called to tell Patty that they (she and my stepson) knew the truth about me and what a pervert I was. She went on to tell her that she was vile and disgusting and that as far as she was concerned that we were dead to them and she would tell our grandchildren that we do not exist. She also said that she would also call Patty’s other two children to inform them so that they would be sure to disown us as well. Poor Patty endured this venomous spew from this unlovely person and never returned an angry word.

Patty, of course, is devastated. We had agreed that I would not present myself to them as I truly am out of consideration for Patty’s feelings. It was a small sacrifice to me for someone I love, as we were pretty sure of this type of reaction as my daughter in law has been a very destructive force in the family dynamics on so many levels over the years. She has ensured that her husband is alienated from his brother and has created major problems in the family relationships with her husband’s sister’s husband, his brother in law, our son in law. Now, when we try to arrange a family get together, our son in law will not attend. Once in awhile, my step daughter attends and I have tried to avoid these occasions because I know my daughter in law doesn't want me around. Patty has sensed the same thing over the years. We are never asked to spend any time with our grandchildren except when my daughter in law is present. We have never been asked to babysit and have never spent any time with them unless she ensures she is present. This is true even if I weren't involved. My daughter in law has always excluded my wife from spending time alone with the grandchildren, unlike the access she has allowed her family.

It seems though in the aftermath of this, it has become a very freeing experience for me. It was a painful sort of rebirth of which I have experienced many such along my journey.

I am free of having to pretend that I feel accepted and a part of Patty’s family. I have almost always felt like an unwelcome outsider, particularly by my daughter in law over the years. That was going on way before my daughter in law’s discovery about me today. Now I will never see them or interact with them again. My daughter in law, once again has shown us her black heart.

However, the pain that my truth causes Patty once again, just by my truth of being me becoming known to others, is heartbreaking for me. I don’t know how I can ever make up to her that her choice to remain in a relationship with me cost her relationship with at least one and maybe all of her children. It may not be possible to do that at all.

In two days we leave to go on a vacation we have both been looking forward to a long time to a place we both enjoy when we visit. I’m not sure either one of us cares at this minute about that vacation any longer. Hopefully though, this will be an opportunity to become even closer through experiencing the unreasoning and ignorant hatred of my daughter in law. I hope we will just forget about this over the next week and focus on us having fun and relaxing together.

What is positive from this horrible experience is that I feel no need to retaliate in kind, though I have first hand knowledge of things my daughter in law has done that would jeopardize her professional career and reputation, due to the same destructive need to maliciously gossip about people.

Her treatment towards my wife shows her to be a low and common person, someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others and she lacks the courage of her convictions to say them to my face over the phone.

However, they failed to recreate the feelings of guilt and shame that are common to people who grow up knowing they are transsexual. This is a reflection of the hard work and growth that I have accomplished in self-acceptance.

My God requires that I forgive her and I have made a lot of progress this evening towards that goal.  In this sense, it is a purely selfish act. It is only for me and not meant to benefit her in any real way. It allows me to feel the full grace of peace and love that God has for me. I bind her from doing emotional harm, something she seems to crave the need to do to others, as evidenced by the many examples over the time I have known her. My most sincere wish is that she is also bound from harming Patty in the same way. I simply won’t think of her in the future.

What I Did For Football, What Football Did to Me

I want to be absolutely clear that the intent of this article is NOT to malign the sport of football, which one might infer from the title. To the contrary, I continue to enjoy watching football to this day and I believe that my prior participation in the game helped me to build the internal strength and courage to successfully face my gender identity issues and finally be able to live an authentic life, despite the consequences I endured from playing the game.

I was 12 years old when I stepped onto the field to play real football with the big boys. I would be entering the 7^th grade that fall, but the rest of the boys who came out for summer practice were mostly 16 and older and no one else was younger than 15. They were for the most part four to six years older than me. We called summer practice “Captain’s Practice” and it began the last week of June for four weeks. We were to get into shape to begin organized practice that began in the last week of July and went on until school started the first week of September and the season began the first Saturday in September.

The Junior Varsity team would not form up until the school started and played their first game in late September. I couldn’t afford to wait that long to begin playing football because I had something to prove. I had to prove it to everyone else but more importantly I had to try to prove a lie to myself about who I really was. In all truth, back then, I secretly wanted to one of the cheerleaders rather than be a football player, but I knew that could never be.

Why else would someone who was outweighed by anywhere from 40 to well over 100 pounds subject themselves to full contact football? The other question that came much later in life, was what kind of judgment were the adults who ran this particular program exercising to allow someone so much younger and so much smaller to engage at this level of competition with the high probability of injuries which were inevitable in this situation?

However, ultimately, the person who decided to do this was me. The more important question is why would I engage in such a foolish and dangerous activity? That is a question that can only to be answered by me. Simply put, it was because I had something to try to convince myself of that was not true. It was something that was not true to convince everyone else who had no idea what it was I was trying to prove, because I was unwilling to face my own truth.

As I’ve written about earlier, I knew I was not a boy and was really a girl, no matter what my biological reality was when I had the language to identify it. That was around age 6. I also knew the word for people like me at that time, but this, the summer of my twelfth year, was also the summer that I began to read the professional books about transsexuals and learn more specific information about myself. What I read terrified me because I was reading about my truth and my reality. These learned professionals were describing me in detail and they had no way of knowing me. Yet they were writing about me in such accurate detail that it was truly terrifying.  I in no way wanted to be one of those people who I was reading about. Yet I could not keep from going back over and over again to read everything there was about people like me. I had to know the truth even if I was a long way from being able to accept that truth and was very desperate to prove to myself and to those that I imagined could see who I truly was, that I was not like those people I read about.

Really, it was far easier to go out every day and endure the extreme physical punishment I experienced every time I played with the others than to face up to and accept the reality of who I was. The older boys seemed to relish every opportunity to hit me as hard as they could since they couldn’t deliver the same degree of physical punishment to boys their own age and size. The coaches seemed to also relish matching me up against the oldest and biggest team members as well. After all, isn’t that what someone like me deserved for being such an abomination? Perhaps I was hoping they would literally beat the transsexualism out of me. Looking back, I realize what a sad mindset that was for a young child.

It’s really no surprise that the first year playing with them that I broke my nose, had a very painful tailbone injury and in hindsight I recognize that I suffered at least three concussions of one degree or another. Eventually, I had to have cervical spinal surgery due to injuries sustained from helmet to helmet hits which were legal at the time. These are particularly dangerous on kickoffs and kickoff returns.

A culture of hazing existed as well, fostered by tradition and encouraged by the adults who ran our program. Instead of garnering respect for what I did, something that I had desperately hoped for, something that no one my age did until we were all 15 and then only two other classmates (in my third year of playing), participated in, I was the subject of physical, emotional and eventually on one isolated occasion the victim of sexual abuse. Because of the emotional abuse and that one incident of sexual abuse I became convinced that they knew my secret, but in hindsight, I know this not to be true. They were simply abusive and probably were acting out many things that had been perpetrated upon them coming up through the same system. The difference between me and them were that some of them were gifted athletes and I was not. They did not , however, to my present degree of knowledge, harbor a secret that caused them tremendous guilt and shame. I did.

What I was able to accomplish was accomplished through my sheer willpower and determination. I was the only one in my class to play football 6 seasons at my school. I was the only one to earn 4 varsity letters in football and three Junior Varsity letters. I was the only one to start offense and defense during my Sophomore, Junior and Senior seasons and I set two school records at the time in my Senior year for fumble recoveries in a game and in a season. Not being a skill player, I accomplished these things as an undersized offensive and defensive lineman. I accomplished this through having learned to take heavy physical punishment and doling out my own when the opportunity presented itself.  I earned my accomplishments through willpower and desire, not through any athletic talent because I am not talented athletically.

Over the years between that first year and my last season, I had probably suffered 4 or 5 more concussions. Nobody paid attention to that back then and hitting each other helmet to helmet was expected. I injured a shoulder, a knee, broke a finger, and one year experienced such severe staph infections all over my body that they nearly resulted in my hospitalization because I hid the extent of them until the season ended and I missed the next two weeks of school because I was too sick to attend after the season was over. Years later I required surgery to fuse my cervical spine as a consequence of way too many helmet to helmet hits, particularly on kickoffs and kickoff returns. That sort of dangerous contact was legal back then.

Really, it was far easier to go out every day and endure the extreme physical punishment I experienced every time I played with the others than to face up to and accept the reality of who I was. The older boys seemed to relish every opportunity to hit me as hard as they could since they couldn’t deliver the same degree of physical punishment to boys their own age and size. The coaches seemed to also relish matching me up against the oldest and biggest team members as well. After all, isn’t that what someone like me deserved for being such an abomination? Perhaps I was hoping they would literally beat the transsexualism out of me. Looking back, I realize what a sad mindset that was for a young child.

It’s really no surprise that the first year playing with them that I broke my nose, had a very painful tailbone injury and in hindsight I recognize that I suffered at least three concussions of one degree or another.

A culture of hazing existed as well, fostered by tradition and encouraged by the adults who ran our program. Instead of garnering respect for what I did, something that I had desperately hoped for, something that no one my age did until we were all 15 and then only two other classmates (in my third year of playing), participated in, I was the subject of physical, emotional and eventually on one isolated occasion the victim of sexual abuse. Because of the emotional abuse and that one incident of sexual abuse I became convinced that they knew my secret, but in hindsight, I know this not to be true. They were simply abusive and probably were acting out many things that had been perpetrated upon them coming up through the same system. The difference between me and them were that some of them were gifted athletes and I was not. They did not harbor a secret that caused them tremendous guilt and shame. I did.

What I was able to accomplish was accomplished through my sheer willpower and determination. I was the only one in my class to play football 6 seasons at my school. I was the only one to earn 4 varsity letters in football and three Junior Varsity letters. I was the only one to start offense and defense during my Sophomore, Junior and Senior seasons and I set two school records at the time in my Senior year for fumble recoveries in a game and in a season. Not being a skill player, I accomplished these things as an undersized offensive and defensive lineman. I accomplished this through having learned to take heavy physical punishment and doling out my own when the opportunity presented itself.  

Over the years between that first year and my last season, I had probably suffered 4 or 5 more concussions. Nobody paid attention to that back then and hitting each other helmet to helmet was expected. I injured a shoulder, a knee, broke a finger, and one year experienced such severe staph infections all over my body that they nearly resulted in my hospitalization because I hid the extent of them until the season ended and I missed the next two weeks of school because I was too sick to attend after the season was over.

Over these six years, I continued to read every professional book that came out on transsexualism. By the time I was in my last season of playing I had lost the enthusiasm for trying to hide by playing football. I didn’t show up for summer practice, preferring to work at my job at the hospital as a nursing aide. I questioned why I bothered playing at all at that point. I simply didn’t care. It was clear to me that I was not like the others

either at the most fundamental level. Football is a game for men and I was never a man. I was a woman. I just couldn’t accept that fact at that time, though I knew it to be true. The only reason I continued to play was to finish what I started. I knew I didn’t have the talent or physical size to play at the collegiate level, though I tried to convince myself otherwise and spoke with several Division III coaches of schools I was considering attending. None of them encouraged me.

Looking back, I am glad that I had the experience of playing football and enduring what I did. I learned to take beating after beating. Sometimes I wonder how I got back up each time after each one, but I know that learning to endure and survive that experience year after year gave me the internal strength and fortitude to be able to finally come to terms with myself and go through a gender transition. Not many people who grew up in the times that I did have been able to do that. Gender transition is probably one of the hardest human experiences one can undergo. Many of the things I learned about myself back then and the willingness to endure what I willingly endured gave me the strength to do what I had to do to live my life authentically. The tolerance to pain, both physical and emotional in nature gave me the courage and emotional resiliency to undergo my gender transition. I paid it forward. It was worth the price.

on my team. I could never be. It wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t really their fault

either at the most fundamental level. Football is a game for men and I was never a man. I was a woman. I just couldn’t accept that fact at that time, though I knew it to be true. The only reason I continued to play was to finish what I started. I knew I didn’t have the talent or physical size to play at the collegiate level, though I tried to convince myself otherwise and spoke with several Division III coaches of schools I was considering attending. None of them encouraged me. This time I decided to listen.

Looking back, I am glad that I had the experience of playing football and enduring what I did. I learned to take beating after beating. Sometimes I wonder how I got back up each time after each one, but I know that learning to endure and survive that experience year after year gave me the internal strength and fortitude to be able to finally come to terms with myself and go through a gender transition. Not many people who grew up in the times that I did have been able to do that. Gender transition is probably one of the hardest human experiences one can undergo. Many of the things I learned about myself back then and the willingness to endure what I willingly endured gave me the strength to do what I had to do to live my life authentically. The tolerance to pain, both physical and emotional in nature gave me the courage and emotional resiliency to undergo my gender transition. I paid it forward. It was worth the price.