Trans Conventions: Why Should You Go to One?

Each year, there are opportunities to attend one or more trans conferences around the country. As time has gone by, there are more and more conferences available to attend regionally, providing opportunities to learn more about ourselves, meet people like ourselves, have fun and find out about options for medical and aesthetic care. At some conventions there are also continuing education tracks available to educate professionals such as myself. We are taking the responsibility for finding professionals who can educate other professionals who are interested in helping us and providing these important opportunities. I have both given workshops to other professionals and received a substantial amount of continuing education over the past two years. That has allowed me to solely focus on studying sanctioned curricula by my profession and teach to other professionals. Because of these opportunities, I have completed 73 hours of continuing education in the last two years on top of the self directed studies that I have been engaging in over the past 16 years. That is equivalent to 4.5 semester hours in a graduate program.



Since 2009, I have been attending conferences to offer workshops on the history of mental health treatment of transsexualism and what is the present state of the art in transgender care. I do my best to provide education to other professionals and seek out the best education opportunities that I can find, as well as unravel the misconceptions about the WPATH Standard of Care, and myths that abound in the gender community to the members of our community.

I have not been to all the conferences available to go to, but have been going to Southern Comfort Conference each year. Southern Comfort is the largest conference I have attended and is one of the longest running and largest conferences in the U.S. This year will be my fourth time presenting a workshop there. This conference is the most dear to me because Southern Comfort gave me my first opportunity to present a workshop on my area of specialization.



 I have given a workshop at the Trans Philadelphia Health Conference, which is the largest health conference in the world on the topic of transgender care and last year chaired the mental health workshop selection committee for this conference. I have also attended the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, Pa., TransOhio Conference in Columbus, and Chicago Be- All and I have to say, I have enjoyed them all. Besides the opportunity to give or get these educational opportunities, I have treasured the friendships I have made at the conferences and the opportunity to spend time with many wonderful friends that I have across the nation thanks to the Internet and through the past four years that I have been a member of Pink Essence. I attended five conferences last year.

What can you expect at these conferences? Be prepared to meet all sorts of people from every walk of life and from all over the U.S. It is not unusual to meet people from all over the U.S.



You will have an opportunity to attend workshops on various topics that include counseling, etiquette, how to move in a feminine manner, fashion styling, medical health issues such as hormone regimens, aesthetic and gender reassignment surgeries, voice therapy, how to transition at work, improving family and spousal relationships, sexuality, spirituality, substance abuse, laser and electrolysis hair removal, legal issues in identity management, advocacy and participating in the legislative process. There are many more topics too. If you are a female to male transperson, there are plenty of topics for you too!

Just as importantly there is time for FUN!! Usually there will be organized activities and excursions to see local points of interest, to shop, and get pampered in salons.



The conferences provide special attention to first time attendees, so they will not feel frightened. For some, this will be the first time she will have had to be in public and this can be very overwhelming. Some conferences will offer a "big sister or big brother" to help first time attendees. There are sad stories about people coming for their first time who were too afraid to even come out of their room and hid the whole time they were there. Often there are 12 step meetings available for our recovering brothers and sisters.

An illustration of the important role conferences play in some of our lives can be seen frequently on the last night. You will see many people who stay up all night that last night with friends who they wont get to see for another year. Most poignant is watching those who are sad that they will not have an opportunity to express who they truly are for another full year. They look so forlorn, it is heartbreaking. That is exactly how important these conferences are.

If for no other reason, this is an opportunity to learn more about yourself and sometimes you will learn a little bit about other people, different from yourself, but in some ways the same.

I hope to see those of you who I have met and meet many of you I have only met through the Internet this year!

The Long and Winding Road: After the Bell Goes Off

Many of us go through life sitting on the fence about transitioning for years        before we do it. We know who we are, we just aren't sure what we want and/ or need to do about it.

 As Bob Dylan wrote, "Some of us turn off the lights and we live in the moonlight shooting by. Some of us scare ourselves to death in the dark to be where the angels fly..." There are those of us who desperately know what they want, but are so filled with fear over what the implications of recognizing their transsexuality means and what is necessary to resolve the situation that they are paralyzed and live in a state of denial for many years, only to realize much later in life what they must do. Many among us call that "The bell rang or the bell went off". There are those of us for who the bell rang immediately when they realized their female identity and plunge ahead. For some of those people, they intuitively made the right choice. Then there are those who jump in only to find somewhere down the road that they made all the wrong decisions. So they took steps that are irreversible and live with painful regrets. This isn't to say they don't have a feminine identity, but for various reasons they conclude they made a terrible mistake and might not be transsexual.
Various studies indicate that the vast majority of us will never have GRS. The reasons are myriad. Some will never be able to come up with the money and will live in that in between state for the rest of their lives. Others simply have commitments that mean more to them than having GRS, though they dearly desire to be complete. Then there are those whose health is too poor to undergo these procedures, and there are as many reasons true transsexuals cannot fully transition as there are those who choose not to or are unable, too numerous to name here.
Years ago, in my internet searches about information that I could use to help myself, I came across an article written by an anonymous woman who has gone through transition and GRS. I'm not sure I agree with every single thing she said, but from my own personal experience and of the transgender people I've treated or met, I think that there is much wisdom in her article. It is quite lengthy. She makes the point that you either are a woman or you are not. That isn't the question though. The question is: Did your bell go off? I think that is an important insight. If your bell hasn't rung, she believes you should not transition and if it has gone off you will have no choice.
I remember vividly the day my bell rang. It wasn't, as the anonymous author notes, a joyous occasion. My life had been dedicated to not having to do this and I gave it one hell of a shot. I can look back at my football career. When I was 13 I went to preseason practices with the varsity and practiced with them until the J.V.'s started after school began. I got the living hell beat out of me until my freshman year when I lettered on the varsity team the first time, the only one in my class who played on the varsity team. From my sophmore year on, I started both ways on offense and defense. It was great cover for me, or so I pretended.
 Later, I would go on to rock climbing, caving, and I even rode a bull several times. That was nothing but sheer stupidity trying to deny who I am and live that man's life. I lived wrecklessly and honestly should have been killed on at least 5 occasions. I lost my first marriage over this when it didn't go away as I had hoped. I, like so many others thought getting married would make it all go away.
On the day my bell rang, I had been treating transsexuals for 13 years. My thinking was, if I can't do this myself, at least I can help others so they wouldn't suffer any longer as we so often do and live their lives authentically, if that was their right path. Seven years earlier, my dear friend Gianna Israel who is no longer with us wrote me a referral letter for HRT but I didn't use it at the time. I wanted to get on hormones, but the bell hadn't rung yet. I knew it would come, though.  I had returned to therapy and my transsexualism was the reason for my return. I needed to figure out where I was going with all this. Six months into therapy, my bell rang and it rang loudly. I gathered my courage and called the gynecologist I have been referring to since my first male to female patient. I had been referring to her for all of those thirteen years and she was one of the biggest supporters of the work I was doing. I took three days after deciding I wanted to go on HRT to screw up my courage and then I called her. I vividly remember blurting out to her "Melinda, I just can't do this any more, I need your help." She had no idea that I was a transsexual myself, but she is very compassionate and told me, of course she would help. Then I had to go home and tell the person I love more than anyone or anything, more than life itself, what I had decided to do and what I had done about it. Our lives together have never been the same. That is the point of the writer's book.  There will be losses and some will be very painful losses. Be darn sure you are a transsexual before you make the decision to transition . You may possibly lose everything you hold dear. If you are a transsexual, it will be extremely difficult to transition and extremely difficult emotionally not to transition. There seem to be no winners here, at least in the short term to mid term. Recently, I made the comment to Dana, my own therapist, that I was every wife's nightmare. She's heard me make this statement several times and this time she said, "No you aren't. {your wife} loves you and is staying with you. Don't you know any other couples that stay together?" Yes, I do. Besides myself, I know my friend Christina and her wife are successfully working this through, not that it is very easy. I also thought of Christen and Nikki off the top of my head during that session. So, we are not every wife's nightmare.
 I do see a lot of happier women who undertake this rite of passage and successfully transition, but it seems to take a long time to get there from what I can see. Those who do survive the losses and the transition generally tell me they have some improved sense of peace and sense of self as complete and a better quality of life but they always seem to have a bittersweet quality to their lives as well. Others I have known have not fared so well at all.
Here's the link; it's worth the time it take to read it. As I said, I don't agree with all of it, but I think most of it rings true. It's something everyone who is seriously contemplating should read and reflect upon.

http://www.tgchatroom.com/wiki/index.php/So_You_Want_To_Be_a_T-Girl

2012 Don't Look Back (They Might Be Gaining on Ya')

Happy New Year everyone!                        

 I hope that no matter how difficult or how wonderful 2011 was, I hope that 2012 brings you all good things this year and to your loved one's as well.

I'm hoping for a much better year and am looking forward to a lot of changes for the good. Many of us make resolutions and plans for positive changes. Generally in years past I have not done much of that. It is the perfect time to make some changes and try to plan and anticipate what might happen in the next twelve months.

To that end, I am thinking of what the year will bring and what I would like to accomplish. I want to work on some health issues and have some medical appointments coming up. Most are not too serious, but it appears that I will need another cervical spine surgery in the near future to remove the plate that was used for my fusion in December of 2010. The first surgery was much more extensive than originally anticipated and was quite successful in relieving my pain. I have had serious difficulty in swallowing since and have had a lot of difficulty with weight loss. I've lost 25 lbs since the surgery. Up until the surgery, I, like most girls, was working on losing weight. Now it is quite a different story as I need to graze to keep my weight stable. This problem is caused either by the presence of the plate or nerve damage to the 10th cranial nerve. I'm hoping the removal of the plate will take care of the problem, but I'm not overly optimistic about it. I dread going through this again so soon (Here is the surgery you get, it's not the surgery you want) more because of it messing up my conference workshop schedule for the year than the surgery itself. I'm going to have to drop two conferences this year which I really hate to do. It will be a hit on my leave time as well. So aside from resolving my swallowing issue, I'm going to ask him to clean up whatever new damage he finds while he is in there. I have developed a problem on the right side of my shoulder, arm and hand.

I'm going to use the time off recouperating to work on the book I am writing on transgender care with the same theme of this blog; a therapist teaching other therapists and relating the transsexual phenomenon from this rare point of view. So that will be a good thing! The other downside to having to have this surgery will probably mean that I will have to delay my GRS and FFS that I wanted to have this coming December.

Other plans in the offing include the possibility of changing employment. I'm contemplating going to work for the Veterans Administration. The VA offers many attractive options for me. They pay significantly more than other mental health employers in the area, a better retirement benefit and an EEO policy that is trans inclusive that was newly implemented by the Obama administration this past year. There is a downside to leaving my present situation. I have been there 10 years and have a well established caseload with many long term patients that I have built a relationship with. Working for  the VA would preclude my continued work with them. Even more difficult for me is to end my work with the most comprehensive transgender health care program offered in Virginia that I created. I would not have the opportunity to help as many transgendered people directly as I do now if I am offered a position with the VA, although they are making great advances in providing treatment for transgendered veterans.

My other plans are more modest and are the kinds of things that most of us do; resolve to get more exercise, do more for others in terms of service work . That's one of the things that bugs me about not going to a couple conferences on my schedule; all the workshops I do are done as service work. I don't seek compensation for giving of my time and knowlege. The friends I have made through these opportunities has been greatly rewarding of itself. I've also resolved not to be such a harsh critic of myself. While there is always room for improvement, I don't really need to as hard on myself as I am at times. Partly, this is the result of being a victim of abuse over a fairly long period of time. One thing I have been working on in the last few years is forgiving the ones who abused me. This is not easily done, but I concluded several years ago that I needed to forgive them, not for them, for myself. For too many years I have carried too much anger with no where to direct it. I've made a lot of progress, there is still work to be done.

The last thing I have resolved is to make this a more fun year! I think that will be the best resolution of all! So what are your plans for 2012?