Whose Rights Matter Here?

I saw two news reports today involving two transwomen. In one case the question is raised about the rights of the individual vs. the rights of society, in this case, the rights of other teenage girls to be afforded a dressing room without a preoperative teenage transsexual girl sharing the locker room with them. The other case involves the rights of an adult transsexual woman to complete her transition by having gender reassignment surgery vs. her parents' desire to block her from having the surgery. In that case, a Pennsylvania judge has issued a stay preventing the woman from having her surgery until the case can be heard.

Because the transsexual girl is a minor, I have chosen to delete her name from the news report by the CBS news affiliate who did publish her name. I don't think publishing her name is the proper thing to do.

In the first case, the CBS affiliate in St. Louis, Missouri reports: " Over 150 Missouri high school students voiced their displeasure about a transgender teen using the girls’ locker room by walking out of class.

Students at Hillsboro High School staged a two-hour walkout Monday over 17-year-old  (the student), a student who has identified as a female since she was 13, using the girls’ locker room during gym class.

The school offered (the student) a gender-neutral bathroom, which she turned down. St. Louis attorney Timm Schowalter says, “All students have a right, under Title 9, to access the bathroom of their choice.”

Family members of high school students were also holding a protest.

“Boys need to have their own locker room. Girls need to have their own locker room, and if somebody has mixed feelings where they are, they need to have their own also,” protester Jeff Childs told KMOV. Childs was holding a “Girls Rights Matter” sign.

Tammy Sorden, whose son goes to Hillsboro High School, believes it’s not right to give (the student) special treatment “while the girls just have to suck it up.”

“The girls have rights, and they shouldn’t have to share a bathroom with a boy,” she told the Post-Dispatch."

As a preoperative transsexual myself, I find myself agreeing with the female students of the high school. I don't think they should have to share a locker room with a preoperative transsexual. That is an environment in which there is not the privacy afforded in a regular women's bathroom. This is an environment in which women are fully disrobed in front of each other and I do think it is important to be sensitive to their feelings about this situation. Personally, at this point in my own transition I think it would be terribly disrespectful to subject genetic women and postoperative transsexual women to my presence in the locker room. In the news report or in the protests by the high school students, I do not see any mention of the girls objecting to this preoperative transsexual girl sharing the regular restrooms. This indicates to me that this particular school's students and faculty are rather tolerant of the transsexual students presence in another intimate place, albeit not as intimate as a locker room. To me the transsexual student is being insensitive to the feelings of the very people she is trying to assimilate with. This is not the way to go about it, in my opinion.

In the second case, I will include the name of the transsexual woman because she is an adult.

The Associated Press reports " A transgender woman whose parents went to court Wednesday to block her gender-reassignment surgery in Pennsylvania said she would rather die on the operating table than continue living with male anatomy.

Christine Kitzler, 48, said during a break in the emergency hearing that the risk factors her father raised - including complications from her HIV and Hepatitis C diagnoses - were worth enduring to have her body match the gender she's identified with since growing up in suburban Cleveland, Ohio.

The surgery, temporarily halted earlier this week by a suburban Philadelphia judge as he considers a longer stay, would also save her from backsliding into alcohol and drug addiction, Kitzler said.

Her parents, Klaus and Ingrid Kitzler, contend Kitzler is not competent to make an informed decision to have the surgery because of depression and a childhood learning disorder, and want a temporary guardian named.

"I might die from this. But it's worth dying," Kitzler said. "I would rather die than live the way I was and return to my bad addictions, like alcohol, because I can't do it and I won't do it."

Kitzler's surgery had been scheduled for Tuesday in Pennsylvania, but Bucks County Judge C. Theodore Fritsch Jr. stopped it after her parents' lawyers filed for an injunction and asked for time for reflection before she goes through with what they called an irreversible surgery.

Testifying at the hearing, Klaus Kitzler underscored his concern for his daughter's health. He said he would accept her surgery if an independent psychiatrist deemed her fit to make the decision.

"I accept it, but I want to stop it," Kitzler told the judge. "I would love to have a son back who goes to church with us on Sunday mornings."

Christine Kitzler, who lives in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, has already been through 16 months of pre-operative preparation, including a 24-hour fast before Tuesday's scheduled surgery, and has received clearances from mental health professionals that she is knowingly and willingly undergoing gender reassignment, her doctor said.

Her lawyer, Angela Giampolo, said she had never seen competency invoked to block a gender-reassignment surgery.

"This isn't a competency hearing. This isn't a guardianship hearing. It's a difference of opinion," the prominent Philadelphia gay-and-transgender-rights lawyer said.

Giampolo said Kitzler's parents are trying to prevent her from living an authentic life. They said they fear Klaus and Ingrid Kitzler want to bring her back to Ohio, win a court action there and permanently block the surgery.

"They have a daughter. They don't have a son," Kitzler said. "I'll have the parts. I am a woman." "

Ms. Kitzler is an adult and she has made a carefully informed decision that having gender reassignment surgery is necessary for her to have a quality of life that makes life itself worth living.

In my opinion, the arguments that she has suffered from depression, has a history of addiction and has a learning disorder are all specious arguments. And here is one reason why the WPATH standards of care exist. 

Let's take this point by point: 1. Ms. Kitzler is an adult and as an adult it is her right to pursue gender reassignment. 2. Show me a person who is transsexual and never suffered from depression to one degree or another. I don't believe there are enough of individuals who have not been depressed in people who are transsexual to be considered statistically significant. 2. Transsexual individuals experience higher rates of addiction and substance abuse than the general population. 3. Having a learning disability in no way impacts the decision to make a gender transition. 4. Having HIV and Hepatitis C infections does not necessarily preclude one from having surgical procedures. 5. None of the above factors generally diminish legal competency.

Because of the guidance of WPATH standards of care, Ms. Kitzler was screened by mental health professionals and found that her mental health and substance abuse issues at this time are not a barrier to treatment and that she is making a well informed and competent decision to pursue gender reassignment surgery. Her physicians have assessed her and found her to be a good surgical risk and are willing to perform the procedure. This should be the end of the story, but it isn't. Her father's sole reason for seeking the court's intervention is that " I just want to have a son who goes to church with us on Sunday mornings." 

If the truth be told, he never had a son, though I do believe he didn't know that for many years. Transsexuals become skilled at living a life and acting out a life that is not authentic. Wouldn't if be more loving and affirming if her father had said, "I'll be looking forward to having my daughter to go to church with us on Sunday morning." 

When this sad episode is over, I'm guessing he will neither have a son or a daughter. My guess is that Ms. Kitzler will never wish to speak to her parents again, or at least for so long a period of time that there will not be much time left in life for them to share. Really, how sad is that? What a terrible thing to happen.

Disowned, the Story Continues, Oddly Enough

Surprisingly, I find that my Daughter in Law is apparently aspiring to become my cyber stalker. For someone who made it clear to Patty a little over 24 hours ago that she wants nothing more to do with us, she was on the phone again bright and early at 8 am this morning to continue to harass Patty over what I had published here less than 8 hours before that about her uninvited verbal attack on us.

She told Patty that what I had written was a "pack of lies", but Patty who then read my blog after the phone call found nothing I had written to be untrue.

If I were dead to her and did not exist as she informed Patty yesterday, one would think she would have better things to do with her time than obsess over anything I might write about.

Perhaps it has something to do with her failed attempt to turn Patty's daughter against us. She seemed to have a need to call her to tell her all about this but my stepdaughter's response was that if her mother and I were happy together then it was no concern of hers.
Considering how she attacked my stepdaughter's husband two years ago, calling her was a rather pathetic move on her part. Her behavior is becoming rather laughable! Quite a change for Patty and me in less than 24 hours.

I thank God my prayers to Him asking him to bind her from harming Patty and me have been answered! Once again, it has been proven in a powerful way that God always answers prayer.

Patty and I were discussing these developments this evening after I came home. We began thinking about what she would do if one of her children came to her and told her that they were transsexual. Given that no one asks to be transsexual because of the hatred and disgust people like my daughter in law harbor towards us, we wondered if she would tell them they too were vile, disgusting and perverted as she thinks about me and about Patty whose only transgression is to love me? For my grandchildren's sake, I pray this does not come to pass. It is sad to know that so many transsexual young people are thrown away by their families like garbage. She seems to be someone who is capable of being that way in my opinion.

It also gives me pause to worry that as a health care provider, would her bigoted and hateful attitudes translate into abusive or neglectful care of a transsexual patient if someone like me would be unfortunate enough to be placed under her care. It is highly likely she will encounter a number of patients like me before her career is over and she retires. I know I would be fearful to have someone with her attitudes responsible for my care.

It is both my and Patty's wishes that she do what she said she would do last night; leave us alone and stop bothering us. Enough said.

Disowned

In the span of a little over an hour, my life took another radical change again. At first, I thought it had taken a serious turn for the worse. It felt catastrophic and I wanted to vomit. Then I felt empty and could not put any words together. I wanted to die, but I had no urge to kill myself. I was not suicidal. I just wondered why my life goes on and why can’t it just be over. I had no answers for those questions, but that all turned around in a rather short period of time as you will see.

What happened was that shortly after I got home from work, my daughter in law called to tell Patty that they (she and my stepson) knew the truth about me and what a pervert I was. She went on to tell her that she was vile and disgusting and that as far as she was concerned that we were dead to them and she would tell our grandchildren that we do not exist. She also said that she would also call Patty’s other two children to inform them so that they would be sure to disown us as well. Poor Patty endured this venomous spew from this unlovely person and never returned an angry word.

Patty, of course, is devastated. We had agreed that I would not present myself to them as I truly am out of consideration for Patty’s feelings. It was a small sacrifice to me for someone I love, as we were pretty sure of this type of reaction as my daughter in law has been a very destructive force in the family dynamics on so many levels over the years. She has ensured that her husband is alienated from his brother and has created major problems in the family relationships with her husband’s sister’s husband, his brother in law, our son in law. Now, when we try to arrange a family get together, our son in law will not attend. Once in awhile, my step daughter attends and I have tried to avoid these occasions because I know my daughter in law doesn't want me around. Patty has sensed the same thing over the years. We are never asked to spend any time with our grandchildren except when my daughter in law is present. We have never been asked to babysit and have never spent any time with them unless she ensures she is present. This is true even if I weren't involved. My daughter in law has always excluded my wife from spending time alone with the grandchildren, unlike the access she has allowed her family.

It seems though in the aftermath of this, it has become a very freeing experience for me. It was a painful sort of rebirth of which I have experienced many such along my journey.

I am free of having to pretend that I feel accepted and a part of Patty’s family. I have almost always felt like an unwelcome outsider, particularly by my daughter in law over the years. That was going on way before my daughter in law’s discovery about me today. Now I will never see them or interact with them again. My daughter in law, once again has shown us her black heart.

However, the pain that my truth causes Patty once again, just by my truth of being me becoming known to others, is heartbreaking for me. I don’t know how I can ever make up to her that her choice to remain in a relationship with me cost her relationship with at least one and maybe all of her children. It may not be possible to do that at all.

In two days we leave to go on a vacation we have both been looking forward to a long time to a place we both enjoy when we visit. I’m not sure either one of us cares at this minute about that vacation any longer. Hopefully though, this will be an opportunity to become even closer through experiencing the unreasoning and ignorant hatred of my daughter in law. I hope we will just forget about this over the next week and focus on us having fun and relaxing together.

What is positive from this horrible experience is that I feel no need to retaliate in kind, though I have first hand knowledge of things my daughter in law has done that would jeopardize her professional career and reputation, due to the same destructive need to maliciously gossip about people.

Her treatment towards my wife shows her to be a low and common person, someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others and she lacks the courage of her convictions to say them to my face over the phone.

However, they failed to recreate the feelings of guilt and shame that are common to people who grow up knowing they are transsexual. This is a reflection of the hard work and growth that I have accomplished in self-acceptance.

My God requires that I forgive her and I have made a lot of progress this evening towards that goal.  In this sense, it is a purely selfish act. It is only for me and not meant to benefit her in any real way. It allows me to feel the full grace of peace and love that God has for me. I bind her from doing emotional harm, something she seems to crave the need to do to others, as evidenced by the many examples over the time I have known her. My most sincere wish is that she is also bound from harming Patty in the same way. I simply won’t think of her in the future.

Further Along...Thanksgiving 2012

Well, the holiday season begins and I find myself with so many things rapidly changing, some happy, some not so happy at the moment, but I'm feeling and though life is changing rapidly, far more rapidly than I'm used to, I also have a sense of peace that everything is going to be alright.

Since last Friday, so many things have been happening. My supervisor is now aware of my gender identity, though we have not had a chance to talk about my transitioning yet. That will happen next week, unless the events that have followed since interrupt that time line.

My father became gravely ill Friday night/ Saturday morning and my mother is having a difficult time, so I have had to become the primary contact and take the initiative in making some important decisions about his care and honoring his wishes about how he wants to live out the end of his life. I asked for the hospice team to come to assess him for end of life care and with their input we will make some decisions as a family to respect what my father wants and make him comfortable.

Yesterday, my Patty became ill and needed to be hospitalized. The saving grace is they are both in the same hospital where I work and this makes it much easier for me to take care of everyone involved in my family.

I thought I would never be able to handle any of this, yet I have had several talks with my father about his life ending in the future that he initiated and have been able to do this with a calming grace that I would have never expected to possess at this time.

My mother brought up my gender identity for the first time since finding out about me by accident in June. She was quite upset at the time, as was I and it has been something that she has not spoken of since finding out until now. My father’s illness has created a place where she is able to start to talk to me about this, something I have longed for since she found out. No child wants to think their mother or father is ashamed of them.

I heard that the word “Crisis” in Chinese also means “opportunity”. I believe strongly in God and believe that He is putting all kinds of opportunities in my life right now and giving me a strength I didn’t know I had to cope with all these changes that are happening right now.

Yesterday, I sent in the form to Virginia Division of Motor Vehicles to change the gender marker on my driver’s license to Female, and will get that changed next week.  So I was very happy about that. Soon I will have a new picture and the right gender marker on my license!! YAY!!!!!!

This morning another friend who didn’t know about me was told and she was very supportive. I had accidentally outed myself to her and didn’t realize who I was emailing because I was half asleep. I didn’t panic though. I called her up and talked with her. She’s very happy for me and it worked out just as God intended.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year, because it draws me in to a reflective place to remember that I have so much when I know so many who are struggling in many many ways and don’t have the blessings that have been freely granted to me.

I’m thankful for the strength to deal with the illnesses in my family. I’m thankful that I have friends and coworkers who are supportive and I have a therapist who is also supportive of me.

I’m thankful for my church family who love me and care about me and all the other friends over the years who have been my family as much or more than my birth family.

I’m thankful for my good health and that the few health problems I have are relatively small.

I’m especially thankful for a career that has allowed me to help others as I get ready to complete my 40^th year in health and human services. I have had the opportunity to help children, adolescents, adults and the elderly in a wide variety of settings both in hospitals and in the community. I’ve always felt that service to others was my purpose for being here in this life.

I’m thankful for the opportunity to have given homes to so many different kinds of pets who have given me so much love, especially during the times when I felt like no one loved me or cared about me and I was lonely.

I’m very thankful to have had the opportunity to speak to a wide variety of audiences on transsexual issues and have found my talks to always have been well received by the people I’ve talked to and found acceptance where I didn’t expect to find any, and that has always been a joyful experience.

I’m thankful to live in a very beautiful place in the country where I can look up at the mountains that have brought me comfort most of my life.

I’m thankful for having been able to receive an excellent education, something that not everyone has access to, and that I was able to use that education to help others.

 I’m also thankful that I have this forum to reach other people to share my life, to let them know that even though I am a therapist, when it comes to dealing with my own gender issues, the stresses, losses and joys are the same for me just as everyone else and I hope that this blog helps others to navigate their own unique path on finding a place in their own gender identity that brings them peace and happiness.

I Learned Some Very Sad News This Evening.....

I happened to check out my account on Pink Essence and learned some very sad news when I happened to look at the most recently posted blogs. I do this every now and then, once or twice a week. Tonight I learned that one of my dearest friends and sisters, "C" shared that her divorce was finalized today. Of course she was emotionally devastated, as any of us who have loved another person deeply and shared a majority of our lives in a marital relationship only to see it end, and not by our own desire or choosing.

 

"C" is such a loving and caring person, one cannot help but be drawn to her because of her sparkling personality. She is a deeply committed Christian, as I am, and the strength of her faith shines through her being, despite having lost so much in the exercise of her faith as well as seeking her own truth in Christ. In spite of the emotional pain of having lost so many relationships simply because she was born with a physical body that was not congruent with her spirit and soul, she has remained faithful and ministered to me at a particular dark point in my spiritual journey on a Sunday where I was able to attend her church with her. It was the first time in my life that I had the opportunity to worship as I am and by the grace of God, was also offered the sacrament of communion. I was so moved through the opportunity to come to worship and join in the mystery of becoming one with the body and blood of Christ that I had tears running down my face throughout the whole service and I then knew that I was acceptable as I am to the fellowship of Christians and to the God of my understanding. I felt truly blessed and healed of a great emotional pain. If it were not for "C" who accepted me as a sister and invited me to share her home, it might have been a long time for me to find a way back to a place in my own home area where I can be accepted and worship, without fear or shame, knowing I am perfectly acceptable to God as I am. I will never forget that first Sunday in June, a year ago from this past June.

“C” and I became acquainted on Pink Essence and I was drawn to her because of her open and friendly personality. I first had the opportunity to meet her at the Southern Comfort convention in Georgia in the fall of 2010, at the Keystone Convention in the early spring of 2011, again when she was a wonderful hostess when I gave another workshop at the Trans Philadelphia Health Conference in June of last year. As she lives in the North East, near some other dear sisters and nieces, I don’t get to see her very often, though I wish I could.

Those of us who share being a woman of transsexual experience are well acquainted to the pain of the loss of relationships with those we love the most and are intimately bonded with. It is such a common experience for us that it is a cliché and a stereotype of our life narrative. Sometimes this happens because we were not able to even accept ourselves and as a result we did not tell our spouses or partners. Other times, even though we have been honest and disclosed this most intimate and often emotionally painful part of who we are, having an identity that is contrary to the physical body in which we live since birth, is too much for even the most loving and deeply committed relationships to survive. It is probably the thing each of us fears the most as a consequence of living an honest life of integrity, even more than even losing our relationships with parents, siblings and other loved ones.

Tonight I grieve for “C’s” loss as I know she is heartbroken. I also live with the fear as many of us do, that even as strong as our marriage is, that there may come a point where Patty is no longer able to cope with that of which I ask in our relationship. It isn’t something that any one of us would wish on our worst enemy to have an identity in conflict with our biological bodies, though I am no longer ashamed of the reality of who I am. But it is sometimes too much to ask of a spouse even when they love us with all their heart.

“C”, please know that you are so in my thoughts and prayers and please know that though we live quite a ways away from each other, that I am here for you and I do care deeply about your pain.

I love you, dear sister.

Sherri

Light at the End of the Tunnel

 

In my last post, I wrote about the accidental outing to my parents and my feelings of fear and despair, over the pain that my parents were experiencing, while also worrying about what would become of our relationship. It was extremely difficult emotionally and even now as the dust settles I am still regathering myself as I adjust to the "new normal" in my relationship with them.

I have to thank Patty for helping all of us through this experience for what she has done to repair their shock about finding out about my true gender. She's been so instrumental in helping us preserve our relationship as parent and adult child, as much as helping me overcome my own fear of the sense of  potential loss of my relationship with them.

I think that between the information I have shared with them about transsexuals before they found out and Patty's explanation of what life has been like for me over the years and that our relationship remains solid has led them to acceptance of my own female identity, though they are not ready to talk about it directly with me.

For me, the turning point came the other day when Patty called my mom and explained to her how upset I was over this and she shared with her about my fear of being disowned, as they are the only family I have. She explained to her that I was having a very difficult time at work. Mom asked Patty to tell me to call her so she could reassure me that I was still their child and I wasn't going to lose my relationship with them.

I called mom and she expressed this to me which was a tremendous relief. It felt like the dam had broken and all the fear and emotional pain I was in came flooding out and leaving me, though I have still been quite emotional over the past few days.

My hope is that I will be able to explain at some point why I have to transition and that they will accept this and embrace me. That is going to take awhile to come about, but the main thing is that I will no longer live in fear of the accidental discovery when I am out on the property or if they should see me leaving the house when they go to get their mail. This was the most burdensome of secrets that I have carried throughout my life. I now feel so much more free than I ever have before.

Is it ideal now? No, but it is so much better and that is enough for today.

Aside from this important step in transitioning being accomplished,  there was another silver lining in this dark cloud experience. I am astounded and once more humbled by the tremendous outpouring of love and support from all of you during this terribly difficult experience. It was because of Patty and all of you that I was able to get through all of this and come out on the other side in one piece.
For all of that, THANK YOU! I love all of you too! Tonight I am a happy woman.


Sherri Lynne

Free Falling

It's been a good run. Over 45 years. It all came to an end quite accidentally, when my mother found one of my business cards for my consulting company, Excellence in Transgender Care (E.I.T.C.) that also has my picture and my last name. There was no mistaking that this was me.  She found this on Monday, and called Patty Tuesday to ask about it. She hadn't been able to sleep that night and was crying while she spoke to my wife on Tuesday. Patty reassured her that she and I are fine, that she is OK with me and she knew about me and that I had a lot of support from my own therapist Dana. 

Patty called me at work and told me to sit down, she had bad news for me and told me what had happened. I was not really prepared to hear this, but was able to continue to be professional and see my last three patients, without any clue that I was upset about this development. It was not the way I would have chosen for my parents to find this out about me and, in fact, have been working in my own therapy on how to go about informing them specifically.

This was also Valentines Day. I had brought cards for Patty from me and the dogs and cats (they each sent a card to her), and I had a card from both of us to Mama. Patty suggested I call her and see if she wanted to talk, but I felt that it would be best to do this on the weekend when I could talk to her alone and without my father who suffers from moderate dementia.

I did want to take her the card from us I had gotten and asked Patty to go with me. I waited a bit to settle down and then called and asked if I could bring her card up to her. She began to cry and told me no. So there was an awkward  silence as I was actually quite stunned that she would not just want me to bring her card to her. So I just said goodbye and told her I loved her. She just said "Ok" and I hung up.

My heart was broken of course over this turn of events. In my two worlds, having worked with families of transgender patients for years, I know how often this scenario ends badly, but often it can work out very well too. The key to a positive outcome seems to lie in allowing parents to work out the emotional trauma that comes along with an unexpected discovery. It's so hard for a parent to realize that they thought they knew this child of theirs who they raised and launched and seen their successes and failures in life, only to discover they really didn't know such an important part of who their child is. They wonder if they ever really knew this child at all. Make no mistake, this is a tremendous loss for most parents and they deserve compassion in order to make sense of this and regain the wholeness of their relationship with their child, if at all possible.

Now they begin the grieving process and go through the stages of grief that Elizabeth Kubler- Ross defined in the late 1970's. In her seminal work, she out lines this process as:         

1. Shock and Denial: Sometimes this manifests as a feeling of surrealism or a factual belief that what is happening isn't or that it can't be true.

2. Anger: This can be directed towards the person or situation that created the perception of  loss, whether it is a death, the loss of an ideal, or can just be a feeling about the situation that really isn't attached to any specific aspect that the person can identify.

3. Bargaining: This can be seen in situations where the person attempts to strike a deal in an attempt to make the painful situation go away and is closely related to the denial process.

4. Depression: During this stage, the process involves losing the cherished ideal of someone or of a situation and despair sets in. In this situation, my parents will never see me again as they once had and are experiencing the loss in an exquisitely painful way. Sometimes people are never able to move past this process in their grief.

5. Acceptance: This comes about when the person is able to reconcile themself to this new concept of how things will be from here on out. It is the healing that comes about from moving through this process and being willing to create a new relationship with the person in the situation. Again, some people are never able to achieve this resolution of what has occurred.

We have to be mindful that people will often move back and forth between these stages as a part of their grieving and that is quite normal. Sometimes people skip some stages and others may never even resolve the first state of this process.

We also must be mindful that people resolve their grief not on our time frame, but their own and we need to be sensitive to that.

When one comes out to someone with such a close relationship, especially not at the time and field of our choosing, we also go through this process. It would be nice to be able to say, "Well OK, it's done and over", but that isn't reality for most of us in these situations. We need to find as much support as we can find for ourselves during this time and we need to really do a super job of taking care of ourselves. That means we need to pay careful attention to our nutrition, don't skip meals even if you don't want to eat. If you can't eat very much, please be sure to supplement with vitamins, especially B vitamins, as they are rapidly depleted when one is going through a crisis. Getting the proper rest is crucial and if one isn't able to sleep, I would advise you to seek medical help because if you can't get your sleep hygiene right, nothing else is going to get better very quickly.

One of the things that is helping me is the tremendous outpouring of love and support I am getting from you, my readers and from members of the transgender community across the country. Please know that I am greatly comforted by this and I'm so grateful and also humbled that there are so many people who care about me. I'm also fortunate to have Patty to lean on and my professional friends and colleagues here who know about me at my hospital. I also am getting tremendous Pastoral care from the clergy of my church who are in daily contact, and of course, Dana too.

I am realistic about this situation. It will be resolved one way or another. While my experience is that many times there are sad and even tragic outcomes with family members, there are many many very happy outcomes as well, even though the process to get there seems bleak at times before it works out successfully and I've learned from my practice that this may take a long time to occur.

Although I am in tremendous emotional pain at the moment, I do know that I will be OK and that what ever way this works out, it will be for the best and my life will be better.  That's the thing about my walk through these two worlds; while I am a well seasoned therapist and have worked with people on these situations, having lived it myself makes me an infinitely better psychotherapist, and all my patients will benefit from this experience, not just my transgender patients. It's one of the gifts I'm being given.

Affirming Life's Positive Moments

I could go on and on about the things in my life that aren't the way that suit. I've done that here already in other posts. Then a few days come along that allow me to know that my life is much better than it used to be and makes me think about how good things are for people who have the life experiences I have had. The past few days have been like that. One thing that makes my life different is that I have no relationships with other women of my experience in the local area. That has much to do with where I live and my daily schedule. My friends who share the experiences that I have experienced all live in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, metro D.C. and Ohio. I only get to see them a few times a year. I wish that I could see them more often but that really isn't possible at this particular time in my life.

Many women of my experience most often write about the terrible things that have happened to them or are happening. To be sure, some of the things that I have gone through in my life have left indelible scars. Sometimes wounds get reopened when I least expect it. Moving past those things requires a lot of spiritual discipline, something I have not perfected. I work hard to improve my spiritual condition which in turn, allows the wounds to heal and for me to experience a more joyful life. It also makes it less likely that I will be retraumatized.

 It also takes my willingness to seek help from people such as my therapist Dana and my pastors, Ann, Heather, and Jim.  Caroline Tammermand, Michelle Alexander, and Nicole Amie have a real handle on spiritual growth and truly inspire me to look beyond the things that are unhappy in our lives and in my own life. They all help me focus on the the things and experiences that are uplifting. Christina Lang has been a sister to me almost  as long as I have been on the internet.  I have some other women I am close to who have been wonderful supports and are dear to me too. I won't name them all because I wouldn't want to hurt one of them by overlooking them. Please know that you are all cherished dearly and deeply.

 Most important to me is Patty. Without her and her love and support, my life would be empty. She is such a positive and spiritual woman that she truly inspires me and I admire her so much! How I wish I were more like her!

The past few days have been what I wish life were everyday.  On Wednesday, I went to voice therapy and the two speech and language pathology therapists always make me feel like any other woman they might be working with.

 I was supposed to go to a workshop yesterday morning, but it was icy and I decided that discretion was the better part of valor. Later in the day I did go out to go shopping to get some things I needed. I went to get my new glasses and an older woman waited on me to fill my prescription. Because of my medical information it was more clear what my life had been in the past than I would have cared to have revealed. She was so kind and complimentary to me. She gave me the gift of not "otherizing" me.  She enquired as to my work as part of helping me select the lenses that would help me the best.
 She told me that she thought that I must be very good at my career which made me feel really good. She also said she thought I was very photogenic (she used a computer imaging system to make sure that the lenses were centered correctly), which was very flattering to someone who is not always as comfortable with her beauty as she should be (Because every woman is beautiful in her own way, but she often doesn't recognize it). It wasn't something she had to say. It wasn't a matter of salesmanship. It was a sincere compliment from her heart. It made me feel like any other woman who might have come in for a new pair of glasses.

I had some time to spend before picking up my new glasses, so I.... went shopping! Belk had a fabulous sale going on and I had been wanting a ruffled cardigan sweater that I had my eye on for quite a while, like since before Christmas! So I scored that, and of course, there is the inevitable. I ended up buying two dresses and some hose. What can I say? They were on sale!!!! Look at all the money I saved! I admit, I love shopping and I love to be stylish, but I always find what I like at a bargain! Patty says I'm the best power shopper she knows! (At least I didn't buy any shoes, but I did look!).

The saleswoman I was working with helped me with the dressing room when I tried on my dresses. We chatted about the nasty weather and she complimented my diamond and the color of my top which I shared that I had gotten there and I admired her beautiful silver Chandelier earrings. We chatted about designers we like, she told me she liked Ruby Road and Rafaella, which I like and I shared that I love Donna Morgan dresses and I wish that Belk would carry more of her dresses. I also told her I liked Evan Picone fashions too!

Today I went to church. I felt disappointed because I had missed a workshop on Discernment that I wanted to attend. Today's experience made up for having to miss yesterday's workshop. I was quite touched spiritually today. As the service began, it began to snow these great big, wonderful, beautiful snow flakes! This was so totally unexpected and not in the forecast! During some of the hymns and parts of the liturgy, my attention drifted to the windows to watch this beautiful pure white snow begin to trim the deeply rich green of the magnolia outside. It lifted my spirit and I felt warm and at home feeling the love of the congregation that we all have for each other and for those who are of different faiths or no faith at all, and for the reconciliation of those who are not of any faith or belief as well as those who believe differently. We shared about being penitent about our anger towards those who have even harmed us in some way. We talked about learning how to demonstrate that penitence publicly.

After the service, I have gotten into staying for coffee and the adult education class after that. I have been enjoying that so much since I finally got up the courage to stop being shy and go!   <<Rolls her eyes at herself!! and smiles miles sheepishly>> I am making so many new friends with women there. They are so welcoming and embracing. I can see the possibility of becoming close friends with several of them. Pastor Heather gave me a book for Christmas on women of the Bible who exemplify the best attributes of friendships between women. This is the sort of growth that I have been seeking. Coincidentally, in February, there will be a workshop on this topic and I am so looking forward to this time to learn more about myself.

You know, what I came away with this weekend, that was so powerful in my healing and growth? I didn't have to think about the ever looming issue of "GENDER" when one is in transition, seems too often in the forefront of one's mind. It just didn't happen. I didn't wonder about those negative self  doubts and what someone might be thinking of me or about me. I was just free to be! I was just totally present in what I was doing in the moment.

I also reflected that the vast majority of my experiences have been really positive. There have been some bad experiences on rare occasions. Really though, I almost always experience the exact opposite of what I am afraid of. Looking back on my life, I have to say, growing up one way was tremendously worse than living this way. The lessons? Learn to be still  and listen. Learn to trust yourself.

What a WONDERFUL feeling! I feel free.

My Wife's Response to The Long and Winding Road....

My wife wrote this in an email to me about the most recent blog. With her permission, I have posted it here. Please understand that our relationship remains strong. It is very hard for our wives, girlfriends and partners to come to grips with the transition, even in the case where the wife knew since the beginning of the relationship, as is true of us. She is having to go through a tremendous adjustment and I don't think we can ever take too lightly what we ask of them. The fact that she chooses to remain with me is a testament to her character. If you choose to leave a comment in response the only thing I would ask is be respectful to her and recognize that despite the deep emotional pain she has experienced over my decision. She loves me deeply and remains strongly committed to our relationship.         

"I read your blog and found it heart wrenching. I know the desire to
transition is so strong that it begins to absorb the TG person. It
becomes the focus of your life. The focus of your day. The reason for
getting up in the morning. It literally sucks the life out of you.You
lose the ability to define your "self" anymore. Everything you do, think
or wish for seems to be an extension of this central theme. If you
spend the better part of your life in this isolated place it seems to
me that you begin to disappear. Once the transition is complete you are
suddenly like an alien that has just landed on earth without an
instruction book or map. I picture it as suddenly waking up after being
in a coma and realizing that life went on without your involvement or
"presence" and you just can't believe how things have changed in the
time you were "unconscious." You literally have to start over with
just the shirt on your back in a place you don't recognize. The grief must
be overwhelming when you realize you "missed" so much of your
life.

I can't begin to understand your feelings and I don't have your
level of education or understanding on this cruel trick of nature.I
stand by holding on as best I can.I go about my days doing what needs
to be done .I am trying to adjust to the losses that I am
experiencing. {My husband} seems to have been replaced by someone else when I
wasn't looking. It's a twilight zone of sorts because you are looking
out at the same things I am but with a whole different purpose and
perception.You see something I can't see and I see something you can't
see.We stumble around trying our best to make sense of what the other
sees and feels.I love you but I admit I am lonely and afraid. I know
you have felt the same way for a lot longer than I have. It would be
great if we could find a place we both recognize as "our" place. I know
there is a way. I will always love you."

The Long and Winding Road: After the Bell Goes Off

Many of us go through life sitting on the fence about transitioning for years        before we do it. We know who we are, we just aren't sure what we want and/ or need to do about it.

 As Bob Dylan wrote, "Some of us turn off the lights and we live in the moonlight shooting by. Some of us scare ourselves to death in the dark to be where the angels fly..." There are those of us who desperately know what they want, but are so filled with fear over what the implications of recognizing their transsexuality means and what is necessary to resolve the situation that they are paralyzed and live in a state of denial for many years, only to realize much later in life what they must do. Many among us call that "The bell rang or the bell went off". There are those of us for who the bell rang immediately when they realized their female identity and plunge ahead. For some of those people, they intuitively made the right choice. Then there are those who jump in only to find somewhere down the road that they made all the wrong decisions. So they took steps that are irreversible and live with painful regrets. This isn't to say they don't have a feminine identity, but for various reasons they conclude they made a terrible mistake and might not be transsexual.
Various studies indicate that the vast majority of us will never have GRS. The reasons are myriad. Some will never be able to come up with the money and will live in that in between state for the rest of their lives. Others simply have commitments that mean more to them than having GRS, though they dearly desire to be complete. Then there are those whose health is too poor to undergo these procedures, and there are as many reasons true transsexuals cannot fully transition as there are those who choose not to or are unable, too numerous to name here.
Years ago, in my internet searches about information that I could use to help myself, I came across an article written by an anonymous woman who has gone through transition and GRS. I'm not sure I agree with every single thing she said, but from my own personal experience and of the transgender people I've treated or met, I think that there is much wisdom in her article. It is quite lengthy. She makes the point that you either are a woman or you are not. That isn't the question though. The question is: Did your bell go off? I think that is an important insight. If your bell hasn't rung, she believes you should not transition and if it has gone off you will have no choice.
I remember vividly the day my bell rang. It wasn't, as the anonymous author notes, a joyous occasion. My life had been dedicated to not having to do this and I gave it one hell of a shot. I can look back at my football career. When I was 13 I went to preseason practices with the varsity and practiced with them until the J.V.'s started after school began. I got the living hell beat out of me until my freshman year when I lettered on the varsity team the first time, the only one in my class who played on the varsity team. From my sophmore year on, I started both ways on offense and defense. It was great cover for me, or so I pretended.
 Later, I would go on to rock climbing, caving, and I even rode a bull several times. That was nothing but sheer stupidity trying to deny who I am and live that man's life. I lived wrecklessly and honestly should have been killed on at least 5 occasions. I lost my first marriage over this when it didn't go away as I had hoped. I, like so many others thought getting married would make it all go away.
On the day my bell rang, I had been treating transsexuals for 13 years. My thinking was, if I can't do this myself, at least I can help others so they wouldn't suffer any longer as we so often do and live their lives authentically, if that was their right path. Seven years earlier, my dear friend Gianna Israel who is no longer with us wrote me a referral letter for HRT but I didn't use it at the time. I wanted to get on hormones, but the bell hadn't rung yet. I knew it would come, though.  I had returned to therapy and my transsexualism was the reason for my return. I needed to figure out where I was going with all this. Six months into therapy, my bell rang and it rang loudly. I gathered my courage and called the gynecologist I have been referring to since my first male to female patient. I had been referring to her for all of those thirteen years and she was one of the biggest supporters of the work I was doing. I took three days after deciding I wanted to go on HRT to screw up my courage and then I called her. I vividly remember blurting out to her "Melinda, I just can't do this any more, I need your help." She had no idea that I was a transsexual myself, but she is very compassionate and told me, of course she would help. Then I had to go home and tell the person I love more than anyone or anything, more than life itself, what I had decided to do and what I had done about it. Our lives together have never been the same. That is the point of the writer's book.  There will be losses and some will be very painful losses. Be darn sure you are a transsexual before you make the decision to transition . You may possibly lose everything you hold dear. If you are a transsexual, it will be extremely difficult to transition and extremely difficult emotionally not to transition. There seem to be no winners here, at least in the short term to mid term. Recently, I made the comment to Dana, my own therapist, that I was every wife's nightmare. She's heard me make this statement several times and this time she said, "No you aren't. {your wife} loves you and is staying with you. Don't you know any other couples that stay together?" Yes, I do. Besides myself, I know my friend Christina and her wife are successfully working this through, not that it is very easy. I also thought of Christen and Nikki off the top of my head during that session. So, we are not every wife's nightmare.
 I do see a lot of happier women who undertake this rite of passage and successfully transition, but it seems to take a long time to get there from what I can see. Those who do survive the losses and the transition generally tell me they have some improved sense of peace and sense of self as complete and a better quality of life but they always seem to have a bittersweet quality to their lives as well. Others I have known have not fared so well at all.
Here's the link; it's worth the time it take to read it. As I said, I don't agree with all of it, but I think most of it rings true. It's something everyone who is seriously contemplating should read and reflect upon.

http://www.tgchatroom.com/wiki/index.php/So_You_Want_To_Be_a_T-Girl

Transitioning, Passing and Stealth

Most of us have thought at one time or another that when we transitioned we could live in stealth, living our lives without others knowing of our transgender past. When I was in second grade, I had a fantasy after reading The Box Car Children that I would run away to another town where no one knew me.  The Box Car Children had lost their parents and had been in an orphanage. They learned that they were going to go live with their grandfather who they had erroneously decided was a mean old man who didn't care about them. So they ran away and found a railroad box car on an abandoned spur off a railroad track in the woods that they came across in their travels. This turned out to become a wonderful home for them! They fixed it up nicely so that it was homey and comfy. There was a creek close by that they dammed up and had a nice place to play and swim. And of course, they went to school and had everything they needed. Eventually, their grandfather did arrive on the scene and turned out to be kind and loving, so they went to live with him. If I remember correctly, he was pretty wealthy too. He had the box car moved to his home so they would have that forever.

 I decided this was a pretty good plan for me to become the girl I knew myself to be! I would live in a cave and go to school as the girl I really was! PERFECT!! (Only I hadn't thought about where I was going to get an adult to enroll me in this new school in this new town, or buy me all these new clothes, and I wasn't particularly mindful about where my meals would come from or who would take care of me when I got sick or was afraid, or had a nightmare.....).

I thought that when I finally would run away, I would have all the clothes I could want or need to be the perfect little girl! To that end, I poured over the Sears and J.C. Penney catalogues looking at the clothes a 2nd grade or 3rd grade girl would wear and picked out the pretty dresses I liked. I would draw pictures of pretty girls wearing the clothes in the catalogue with my colored pencils. I wonder if my mama ever saw those pictures that I drew? I was careful when I did this that she was elsewhere in the house doing mama things while I was doing Michelle things. That was my first name I picked for myself and that was the name my BFF Christina Lang knew me as when she met me in an IRC chat room in either 1996 or 1997. At some point I decided that Michelle was way too close to my male name and really didn't reflect my personality anyway! Thus, Sherri Lynne was born (already all grown up)!

I don't know why I never ran away but I guess as I got a bit older, I realized that there was no way I could, as a child, make this plan work. I mean, really, how was I going to afford ALLLL those clothes?? I didn't get more than about a quarter a week allowance back in the day (NO, I'm STILL not going to tell you how old I am!!). Even into my adolescence and young adulthood, I held out the thought I would finish college and transition, go to graduate school and transition, graduate from graduate school and disappear as I transitioned. In those days there were no resources available where I lived or where I eventually moved to in order to accomplish this thing I wanted so badly, so it never happened. I knew there were others like me. By this time I had read literally dozens of books and hundreds of journal articles, but where could I find the help I needed within a reasonable distance? I couldn't. I knew that if I did move somewhere where no one knew me that I would have to break off my relationship with my family to accomplish becoming the person on the outside that I was on the inside. I would disappear and my friends would never know what happened to me. I would start life all over again and that this would be the price to be paid in order to live my life in stealth.

So for one reason (or was it an excuse?) and another and another, I chose not to transition until three years ago. As time goes on, my transition picks up the pace. I've come to the realization over this period of time that there is no perfect stealth for the vast majority of us. I'm sure some people have been able to establish perfect stealth, but I think they are far and few between. Given that we are such rare people to begin with according to best estimates, the numbers of us who have achieved perfect stealth are even infinitely rarer.

For instance, if I were to achieve perfect stealth, I would have to lose all of the following things: my family; all my present friends; my career; my home; my community; ties to the college and universities I attended. In other words, I would have to move somewhere where I have never been, have no contact with those I left behind, and likely give up a career in which I have been very successful in and not be able to claim all the years of experience that I have in my career. That would be a very steep price to pay for a chance at something that might be successful for a while, but I would always be looking over my shoulder in fear that I would run into someone who knew my past or knew someone I knew who had a story about someone they knew who...  You understand what I'm saying here. Is it farfetched that it could happen after all that sacrifice?

Consider this experience I had one time. I was flying back from Kansas City after taking part in a substance abuse treatment conference. The first interesting thing was that Richard Petty of NASCAR fame was on the same plane, but then something even more amazing occurred. The flight was bound for Charlotte where I had to make a connection. I became engaged in a conversation with a man from Florida seated next to me. He had been out west on a business trip and was on his way home, also changing planes in Charlotte. We got to talking and I told him I was on my way to Charlottesville. He told me that he grew up there and of course my curiosity was piqued. I asked him where he went to elementary school as I had gone to school there and it turned out that not only had he gone to the same school, we were in the same class in first and second grade, were playmates, and later were in Scouts together. Small world, huh? That's an example of why I don't think perfect stealth will ever be an option for most of us and certainly not for me.

Rather, I think that stealth exists in degrees or like layers of an onion. There will be people who will always know that you once lived in a different gender you are today. I wonder if any of them can really see me as a woman and not quickly think of the person I used to be in my former gender. My guess is that at some times that will happen and others they will remember who I used to be. That isn't my ideal, but I can accept that reality, as long as I am treated with dignity and respect and as the woman I am. I think the younger a person transitions, the degrees of stealth increase. My reasoning on this is that there is much more life to be lived and many more new people coming into one's life who never knew the young person in a differently gendered life.

 For some people this will be important to them, for others not at all. When I think of those who it is unimportant to, I think of those folks who identify themselves as "gender queer". Perhaps it is a function of the times I grew up in, but I can't relate to that identity, personally. I have always had a clear identity as being female, and view my male body as a birth defect. I don't loathe the body I was born in as the stereotype of transsexuals that exists, I just have always known it wasn't the one I was supposed to have.

It would be really difficult to continue in my chosen profession if I were to disavow my past professional life in order to live in stealth. I have too many years in my profession, too many accomplishments that I would have to leave behind, and with that decision the prospect for a job that is commensurate with my knowledge skills and abilities and with my salary requirements would all but be impossible to obtain. I wouldn't have any references and wouldn't be able to list prior work experiences because the person I am interviewing with may possibly know another professional I used to work with. Any google of my name would also lead to my prior identity because of the types of psychotherapy I practice as well as my true identity. Instantly, my illusion of stealth would be shattered. For most of us in the age of the internet, stealth is becoming more and more of an illusion.

When one considers stealth and what it means, we are often talking about our transition and passing. In the first few years before I seriously considered transitioning, I did go out as myself, with generally unhappy outcomes. Though I dressed nicely, I didn't pass. So at that time, stealth wasn't even on the table as something possible. I would catch funny looks out of the corner of my eye or people frankly staring and that was really painful for me, to feel that something that seemed so right to me, made me at best a curiosity and at worst the target of derision or being seen as a freak.

Eventually though, with enough experience in being out and about, and as the hormones changed the way I looked, the way I carried myself publicly, and the more comfortable I became in social interactions, people stopped staring and I became able to go about my business and became comfortable interacting with people, I realized that I was "passing", even in situations with close contact, such as shopping in the Bare Escentuals store for makeup or dining out by myself or with my friends. Even in the most difficult tests of all, being in proximity with teenage girls (notorious for being able to scope us out) and in the ladies room.

Now if it is the case that I am passing well, then I have accomplished a level of stealth that in many ways is the only stealth most of us will ever experience. Even if I am being read as a transsexual woman, the fact that I am being treated with dignity and respect as a woman is really all that is necessary for me to live my life in a manner that allows me to be who I am.

I also have a new church that is welcoming to transgender people, though to my knowledge I am their only trans woman. I don't mind it because they have all been so nice to me, made me feel at home and wanted as part of the congregation. They treat me as a woman and I don't have to think about being a trans woman at this point there which is always a nice way to live. I've spent way more time than I ever wanted to thinking about my gender as it is.

To continue to work in my career at the same health care system, means that there will be no stealth for me whatsoever, as I interact with nearly every clinical service that is available there. However, the important thing to me, again, is that I be treated respectfully and with dignity. To me it’s that people get the name and the pronouns right when they speak to me or about me. I certainly have no thought " they won't know". Indeed, it is the colleagues closest to me where I work who will have the most difficult time with the transition. Patience on my part will be required as they will not get it right 100% of the time in the beginning. As long as they are making the effort to try to get it right and are improving, then I can roll with it during the learning curve.

 I would hope that new professionals who join us as others leave will only know me as a woman. I also know that it would be unusual if there weren't one or two who know me and said to the new coworker, "Yeah, and you won't believe this but Sherri used to be a guy!!" Such is human nature. I'm sure in most cases it wouldn't be meant maliciously either, knowing the people I work with. I wouldn't be happy if it occurred, but in the grand scheme of things I could handle it. I would be assertive in asking the person involved not to do that again. I think I know my coworkers well enough that if that were the case they would stop after being asked.

Dealing with family is an entirely different subject. It is my hope when I engage a patient for therapy who is transgendered if problems within the family system over a family member's transgender status develop that I have an opportunity to intervene. My hope would be to prevent people becoming estranged with their family of origin. I'm almost certain that almost no family member will ever think of their relative other than their birth gender, even if they are loved and accepting of that relative. It's almost impossible to forget all that shared history. But it is possible to accept and embrace their relative. More and more often, even if there is a period of estrangement, families are staying close to their transitioned family member. The bonds of family are very strong. Even in the cases I've worked with where children are abused or neglected, they more often do remain close to their families, even after having been removed and placed into foster care until the age of majority.

I think that in more public situations is where stealth exists and perhaps in business situations when dealing with other businesses and perhaps even in the place of employment if different from the place of employment where one transitions. As relationships become closer, the degrees of stealth diminish. Is that necessarily a bad thing? I think not. I want the people who are closest to me to really know me for who I am. Even this most painful part of my life (my prior male existence) after my transition is complete. After transition, I believe that I will simply see myself as a woman; being in a "trans" state will be over. I could very well be wrong about that though.  This is not to say I think that when my transition is complete I have arrived at the destination. Life is a voyage, a journey. The arrival is when we reach the end of our time here and go on to what’s next. I'm rather thankful that life is that way too.