When I Was In Second Grade

When I was in second grade, I found a book called the Box Car Children. It was the story of three children, an older brother and sister, and a younger brother. They had a nice dog too! They had been orphaned and were to go to live with their grandfather. They were afraid of him and didn't want to live with him and ran away. On the edge of a town on an abandoned railroad spur was an old box car. They made the box car their nice little home and made their surroundings nicer and more fun! They went to school and were clean and not starving. No one knew they lived all by themselves because they were doing so well!

Then I had this wonderful idea! I could run away, with a whole new wardrobe of clothes appropriate for an 8 year girl and live in a cave just outside a town where no one would know me! I could go to school and no one would know. I could be just like the Box Car Children!! I look back in real amusement at how sweet but impossible that idea was. I even put some planning towards it! I looked through the Sears and JC Penny catalogues so I would know what clothes I liked and to buy so I could do this. I even looked at a Virginia map! I saw some cities near by, but I didn't see any caves on the maps, so maybe that's why I never did that.

 My heart goes out to the little girl back then. Who was going to feed this poor little waif? How was she going to keep her clothes clean and who was going to hold her and tell her everything was fine and she was safe when she was scared? Who was going to take care of her if her tummy hurt?

Then I think about her vision for becoming herself and I'm so proud of her! For even then, at that young age, she was trying to figure how to get where I am today. And she only thought about how much better it would be than to be where she was, even back then. As she grew up, she never really gave up, and here she is today! And now I'm feeling kind of proud of that little girl too!

The Face of Trans Today

Over the past few months, I've begun to think about the question, "In the predominant culture (the United States, my culture) today, what is the image of being transgendered today?" I'm not sure that this is as easy a question to answer as it would appear on the surface.

This is something I've been thinking about since my adoptive niece Erica, made a comment about the featured speakers and content of the conference workshops at Trans Philadelphia Health Conference. Over the past few years, the content of workshops and speakers reflect a trend towards those who identify as "gender queers", particularly in the Northeast and West Coast.

According to the National Transgender Discrimination survey approximately 13% of people who were included in the survey identified as gender queer. Those who identify as gender queer are much younger than the general population obtained in the survey. 67% identified within the gender binary of male or female. Another 20% identified themselves as sometimes living as male and sometimes female, but still clearly identified with the gender binary concept to a large degree. 71% were under the age of 44 years, so the study does not accurately reflect the age distribution of transgendered people. 20% were in school at the time of this survey. It was also limited to those with internet access, so there are some confounding variables to this survey. In other words, the results cannot be considered statistically valid or reliable.

However, it remains the most important study on discrimination transgendered people face in the United States conducted to date. In my opinion, despite the limitations of the survey, it is the most accurate reflection of the life experiences of transgendered people in the US today.

 Individuals who identify as gender queer appear to be heavily influenced by an extreme left feminist ideology that is fashionable in academia at colleges and universities. It is known as third wave feminism. They advocate the ideological belief that individuals who identify with the gender binary schema are hurt by it as their lives are limited and scripted by having to conform to either a male or female identity. Instead, they argue, we must create a genderless society.

In October 2012, a Gallup Poll reported that a survey conducted from June 1, 2012 through September 30, 2012 found that approximately 3.4% of Americans identified as being transgendered. These are very similar results as reported in several other surveys since 2006 and can be considered a good estimate of the general population of the U.S. These surveys have a much higher degree of internal validity and reliability of the findings.

It is a more difficult task to ascertain how the culture perceives transgendered people. There are several ways of coming up with a general idea. One can look at how transgendered people are portrayed in the media such as in movies and television. Another way is to look at how transgendered people are portrayed in news sources. A third is to look at the programming presented at transgender conferences.

Curious to me, is the image that Jerry Springer provides on his television show. I'm also surprised that someone as strongly identified with liberal politics gets away with the way transgendered people are portrayed on his show and that he is so revered by the left. He regularly brings on the worst examples of transgendered people in our society. If one watches his show, one would draw the conclusion that transgendered people are promiscuous, adulterous, drug addicted and essentially shiftless people who engage in outrageous low life behavior. I do not dismiss the thought that at least some of what he portrays is staged, but I also think that some of the people he has on the show are real people. How Springer gets a pass on this from the transgender community is beyond me, but I see more far more attacks on conservatives who make negative comments about transgendered people and I can't ever recall anyone complaining about Springer. Yet he damages the image of transgendered people tremendously. Why is that? I wonder...

Another problem I see is very complicated and is a conundrum with no easy solution. We have a very high rate of suicide attempts, unemployment, addiction and alcoholism. Those of us who have been disenfranchised by lacking an education because of dropping out of school are also often marginalized and often end up working in the sex trades. I was very fortunate that despite being physically and emotionally abused in school for a significant portion of my high school years that I was able to endure that and later a brief period of homelessness (directly related to being who I am) and manage to overcome those experiences. I was fortunate to have overcome these experiences and I know that it was only by the grace of God that this happened. The majority of transgendered people are also people of color and in addition to the burden of institutionalized racism, bear the stigma of being transgendered.

Having said this, I clearly want to say this is not an attempt to "blame the victim". People do what they do to cope with being stigmatized. Transgendered people don’t have the same access to the opportunities that people who are not transgendered have and they experience a much higher rate of being victimized physically, emotionally and sexually.

 Remember, when you were in grade school on "career day" and the teacher asked the classroom "What do you want to be when you grow up? No one is raising their hands and waving them wildly exclaiming" I want to be an alcoholic and addict when I grow up!!" or "I want to prostitute myself when I grow up!!!!!"

But we do have a responsibility to overcome the illness of addiction with treatment and 12 step programs, seek help for mental health disorders such as anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. We do not have the luxury of just rolling over and giving up, as tempting as that may seem at times.

I looked at the content of workshops offered in recent years at transgender conferences as a way to understand how we are portraying ourselves to the public. I'm not sure that this is a way of discovering what the public's perceptions are, but based on the percentage of workshop programming devoted to gender queers. I do know that they are a very vocal and public image of the "transgender community", much as drag queens and kings" draw a lot of attention and possibly could be a strong influence on the perceived image we have by the predominant culture.

 Another element that influences the public image of transgendered people is something that I have seen decried frequently in our community. That is the tendency for transsexuals who have successfully transitioned to end their involvement in the transgendered community. Their attachment to the broader transgender community is often more tenuous than other transgendered people. They are often criticized harshly for not "giving back" to other transgendered people who are coming along and finding their own way on the long and winding road of successfully transitioning. Because they "disappear" into the predominant culture, the public has little context for these individuals in our society and this further skews the public perception of transsexuals (as opposed to transgendered individuals not including transsexuals). While this is ultimately the goal of most transsexuals, it is not necessarily what is desired by other transgendered people who have a strong attachment to the transgender culture.

My interpretation of what this represents is that the majority of transsexuals do not identify with other people considered to be transgendered and they do not share the same sense of community with drag kings and queens, cross dressers, gender queers, and other diverse identities that consider themselves members of the transgendered community.

In my opinion, a transsexual who has managed to transition and does not wish to continue being involved in the community has every right to do so. She does not owe the community or others coming behind her anything. Her sole responsibility is to herself. In the words of Oprah Winfrey “… to live your best life...”

Because of my profession and my experiences as a transsexual, I will remain active in the transgendered community to a large degree to help individuals with their transition and in overcoming addictions and mental health issues that we all too frequently have. This is a choice I make voluntarily as a professional, not a personal responsibility. This necessarily means that I will have less privacy about my identity than I desire, but because of my special set of skills I will continue to make my skills available to the transgender community.

These are just my observations. What do you think is the image of the transgendered community and what are the reasons for this? I'm very interested in your opinions and I hope you will share them!

 

 

 

Are You a Sissy?

Are you a sissy? That is a very loaded question and an emotionally charged topic as well in the world of transgender identies and trans politics. It is an issue that sharply divides those who identify as transsexuals from the rest of the gender community and also can divide the rest of the transgender community from those who identify as sissies. I hope that this article will shed some light on this gender identity in a respectful manner. I believe that while I can't relate to these individuals from my own experience, there are people who identify as sissies and have the right to do so.

So what am I talking about here when I speak of sissies? I'm speaking of those people who usually identify as male, but enjoy dressing and appearing as little girls or in a hyperfeminine way that a woman would not appear. There is no way these individuals are going to pass in public, which is part of the piquancy. A google image search of "Sissy" turns up a lot of pictures of Sissy Spacek. She is an awesome actress.

 But pertaining to the topic at hand, the images retrieved are all closely related to female domination, humiliation and other D&S themes. Again, that's fine. I think however they express their sexuality and identity is not my business and everyone has the right to be who they are.

Two years ago, I met a pair of sissies at a transgender conference. They stood out in a convention of people whose identity is that of women with no qualifiers attached to that identity and who are doing everything they can do to blend in with society. In talking with them, I found them to be very nice people.  They told me they weren't really enjoying the conference because no one was being especially friendly or attempting to be inclusive in the activities that were going on in the hotel. I doubt that I will see them again at the conference I was attending.

But I couldn't relate to the experience of a sissy identity in the everyday world. I worry about how the public percieves the woman of transsexual experience and if the public sees me and those who identify as sissies as being one and the same. While there is an intersection on the axis of gender identity, just as there is an intersection in the mathmatical model of the X and Y axis, for me, sexuality is not an issue. For the sissy, sexuality is up front and integral to the sissy experience. It includes strong elements of being shamed and being degraded by others. It is an identity that is less than the genetic woman and definately less than a man.

I wonder if this is for most who identify as a sissy a developmental stage in forming a transsexual identity or is it a stable identity of its own? Some women of transsexual experience at some point experience some attraction to the fantasy of forced feminization, usually early on in their life when they are coming to terms with who they are. For them, this is about not being able to take responsibility for who they are and at a point when they feel ashamed of who they are. If it does occur, it is a transient event that fades to black and disappears. It goes away when the woman of transsexual experience knows that there is nothing wrong with her identity as a woman. As a result, feelings of shame and guilt have no place in her identity. Simply put, for the woman of transsexual experience who is comfortable with her identity, the old addage "You can't rape the willing" is true. She sees herself as no different than the woman who was assigned at birth as a female and is comfortable living her life in mainstream society. This is the basis for women (and men) of transsexual experience not viewing themselves as part of the transgender spectrum, but understanding themselves to be very different and not part of a spectrum of gender identities.

Just as sissies have the right to claim their identity, so do women of transsexual experience. We also have the right to claim our own identity as unique and not part of a spectrum. We have the right to our own uniqueness.

I'd be very interested in hearing the views of readers of this blog. I think this is a topic worthy of discussion and reading your comments.

Further Along... "How Very Taoistic of You Miss Sherri" or "How I'm Learning to Turn Off the Noise in my Mind"

I am back from vacation and back with a full caseload at work. Our beach vacation was much needed and enjoyed. It was wonderful to have so much undivided time with Patty. Other than going for several long walks that she was not up to, we were totally together without any of our regular responsibilities.

This was the longest period that Patty and I have lived together publically. That may surprise some of you but I have been very sensitive to Patty's needs to adjust to the changes in the seasons of our life together. It's not all about me. Sometimes it feels that way, but it is about us. It was so good for her to finally see me in so many very different public social situations, without the context of "gender issue" and just being me, having a normal time with people treating me as any other woman. She was so much more comfortable with where I am at in my transition than before. I'm very thankful.

We came home the following Monday.  That Wednesday, I played golf with my friend Janet. We played at a course she hadn't played forever and it was my first time at that course. I was hoping to show her how much I have improved, but of course that didn't happen! It seemed like a very easy course compared to where I play, but the fairways weren't forgiving in terms of the width of each hole and there were several challenging water hazards. Well, it wasn't pretty but I did chip a very long shot with her chipper that I sunk, which was way cool! My putting wasn't quite up to my usual level and that is the one real strength I have in golf. However, as ususal we had a nice visit and fun playing. I don't have many friends who have known me since I was 18.

On Thursday, I went back to work and then had my normal weekend time off. That was a nice way to ease back into my work.

On Friday, Patty went on an overnight trip to be with her intentional community. When I came home from work, I did not turn on the TV, radio, nor did I put on music. I had a nice quiet evening, went to bed at a reasonable hour and slept well.

When I got up on Saturday it was about an hour later than I had wanted to sleep. Again, I just didn't turn on anything and again enjoyed the peaceful quietness of the home I have spent 28 years of my life altogether.

I got so much done! I started to do household chores and totally cleaned the bathroom, did all the dishes, did two loads of laundry, folded and put away. I also got the grocery shopping done and made Patty a nice Mediterranian Seafood Fettucine. I couldn't get the scallops I normally use so I substituted lump crap meat and had the shrimp with it too as I usually do. If any of you want this recipie, just let me know. Simple, easy to make, delightful and wonderful on a very hot summer evening as it is served cool. Patty was pleased and the rest of our weekend was relaxing.

I was talking with my therapist Dana and I told her that I was feeling stuck in the last stagees of my transition. But I also told her it only seemed that way to me because I haven't figured out exactly how to inform my employer and it scares me because I've worried about doing it for unselfish reasons. I have gotten so much accomplished in reality, E=M*C squared, and all that time and relativity stuff, you know. I did, however, make a decision that I think will be helpful in all of this and have decided to make an appointment to talk to the governing board of my profession and inform them of my intentions in person. I want them to be aware that I have a professional life in both genders at this time. More of my process of transition has turned out happily than unhappily.

I think that is because something beneficial to my well being occurred earlier this year. My intentional community observes a period of abstaining from something pleasurable for a period of time that is not insignificant. This year was the first time I had decided to observe this period and was successful in completing it. I abstained from having the radio on or listen to anything else while I was driving, which is at least an hour and sometimes much more each day. It was an opportunity to be quiet for an extended period of time. It allowed me to be more mindful, in the moment and also to be more contemplative. Soon after I began this practice of discipline I discovered that I actually felt better, calmer and more centered. I felt in balance.

So I began to do this again last week on several occasions and found that once again I felt more serene than I ususally do on my way to and from work.This is what led me to extend this practice to other times in my day. Over the past week again I have come home and kept the media circus turned off. Patty and I talk more and I am feeling very positive about this.

I have been more able to see options as opposed to fighting to find the one right answer to any given situation.

As it is written in the chinese book The Tao Te Ching (The Book of Changes), the softest substance in the world overcomes the hardest; water wears away stone. Adopting a more mindful and more contemplative life is a good way to become more receptive to  more options to choose from. Fighting for that "one right solution" actually can become a barrier to progress.

Another result of seeking quiet and becoming more contemplative is to put away the book project I have been working on in favor of a new idea I had for a different book with a different audience in mind. It seems to be writing itself right now. I think this new project will help transsexuals in transition experience a higher quality of life during a very stressful life stage.

I am also changing my workshop and I think it will be better because I think it will engage more people to try a more contemplative approach not only to their transition, but also to their life in a holistic manner.

I hope to see many of you at the Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta near the end of September.

hugs, Sherri

But Enough About Us, Sherri! How About You?

Well my dears, I've had a lot of things to talk about lately, but I haven't been sharing about what I'm doing and what's going on in my life. It's time to catch up!

It's been a rollercoaster in some ways, I have been involved more with my mother and father since my father's heart attack in the beginning of May. We were told that he likely would not live more than six months and more likely two months due to the extent of his decline over all from old age and the failing of several organ systems. He has been ill for years and never recovered from his heart valve replacement which resulted in vascular dementia due to having some strokes during the operation. Because of this, I  have been grieving him for years as I watched him decline and was quite prepared for this perhaps being his last illness. That has been a rollercoaster in that it appeared he was near the end and since then he has rallied, to all of our surprise and it appears possible that he may be able to return home in a month or so. That is where the emotional ride gets bumpy for me as I become more hopeful that he will get better and be more active when he comes home, rather than slide back into his decline. It seems that perhaps being in the nursing home rehabilitation unit has given him much better care than he was getting at home with Mom. I have been making comments to my mother about how well he is doing and that he should stay there until he has gotten the full benefit of his rehabilitation potential, or at least until I return from vacation in mid July. My mother is in significant denial of his health problems and particularly of his dementia. One of the big problems for someone with dementia is apathy and she see's this as his being petulant or wanting to be catered to, which is not the case. He simply has no volition to engage in anything active and the structure of the rehabilitation unit pushes him to be active. As a result, he is more active than I have seen him in the past year. He is appetite is much improved and he is beginning to walk again when he wouldn't move out of his chair at home. I hate to have to say this but I think both he and my mother will both live longer if he stays there permanently. They tend to feed off each other and they both seem highly anxious together. Mom seems to have benefitted with him being away and being under less stress. she is more relaxed and more pleasant.

All of this has taken my full attention and much of my energy.  I have to help Mom more with her home and visit with him, which I don't do enough because after a full day of doing therapy, I have little energy to visit during the week. I do a fairly good job of keeping healthy boundaries and taking care of myself. I do enjoy mowing, being out in the sun and this is my time to meditate, enjoy the sunshine, watch wild life and pray.

What is frustrating about this situation, is it has slowed down my coming out at work, which is the most major task left to accomplish before I can transition there. My therapist Dana, who has helped me so much with managing a lot  the coming out process. She suggests that I start applying for jobs as myself and if I get a job offer then I have a bargaining chip in case the hospital decides they no longer require my services. I think this makes sense. I would like to stay at the hospital, I've been there almost 11 years and have 14 to go so I can have a 25 year pension there. I would also not wish to lose my transsexual patients. I want to be able to continue to coordinate and build upon the comprehensive health program I developed. It would be a loss for me. But it would allow me to live as who I am in that aspect of my life. That is important to me. A lot of my friends will be frustrated to see me throw up a road block delaying my journey. I do have to think about Patty who is unable to work due to disability. I bring home a majority of the income and provide the health care insurance, so it is important to me that I take care of her as best I can. We have huge medical bills.

Of lesser concern is the ongoing and growing realization that there will be a low likelihood of any kind of stealth while I live in this area for a variety of reasons. Not long ago I was introduced to a retired therapist who knew me as a male and is good friends with my department head. That was very uncomfortable to me at the time and I am concerned that my work situation could turn into another coming out at a time and on a field not of my choosing.

Interestingly, (to me anyway) was the fact that last weekend my High School had a reunion of multiple classes with many people with who I went to school. I had absolutely no desire to attend. There are only three people I care to keep up with, three women from my class. The experience of high school was very painful to me as I suffered years of physical and emotional abuse there and no one intervened to stop it, though it was quite visible in such a small school. It has taken years of therapy to deal with it. Therapy helps; I have nowhere near the guilt, shame and anger that I carried for years, nor do I suffer to the extent I have with the severe depression I've had over the past five years.

I was quite interested in the idea of going to one of the events held in a restaurant as myself so I could watch the dynamics and not have them see me. Then I decided they weren't worth it. I would most likely become angry/ sad/ depressed over thinking about what happened to me, so it would serve no good purpose for me.

Looking at the pictures posted on Facebook from the reunion, it dawned on me that if I had gone, it could have been a disaster. It turns out that one of the people from school who was a year or two behind me also goes to my church and is a member of the Vestry (that is a Deacon, for those of us with a Southern Baptist heritage). He knows me now as Sherri and not as who I was. If I had gone, he likely would have recognized me from church and then I would again be in a situation of coming out at a time and a field not of my choosing again and I find that very wearing, as I have written about in the past here.

Soon I do intend to let my three women friends know about me soon and I expect that at that point it will work its way around the alumni of my High School, and that will be ok. The difference being that I told who I wanted to tell who matter to me and if at that point, the rest of them find out, I don't care really.

What I don't like about the situation is my lack of the right to privacy, which we refer to as stealth. I become more and more aware that stealth for me at my age and situation is mostly not going to be. So I have been readjusting my thinking about how important is stealth in my life. After all, even if people do know about who I was, is it really a problem if I am treated as a woman and people interact with me as the woman I am? Is it realistic for me to expect any more given my dual professional identity and my presence in the community I grew up? I think that the expectation of my having a lifw where no one knows of my male past is unrealistic. It sets me up for feeling bad about myself, rather than enjoying the life I should have taken responsibility to have made happen literally decades ago.

The obverse of that coin is that I can't afford to dwell on the "wasted" years. Really? Wasted? No, not really. I have accomplished a lot, both personally and professionally. Rather, it is much better to be living in the moment of now, which is a much happier time in my life and look towards the future in which I will be who I always was, but hid so well.

So what about the man at church I know who went to school with me all those years ago? I think it is time to tell him. That will be good thing, I'm sure.

Do the Gender Police Confront You?

Sheri Berenbaum led a thought-provoking discussion about the often-debated topic of gender differences. An inquisitive crowd kept Berenbaum on her toes as she answered questions concerning whether gender differences are innate or learned. Drawing on over 15 years of research on congenital gender disorders—and using props such as Legos and make-up kits to illustrate her points—Berenbaum challenged the audience to "think outside the box" about the mix of social and biological factors that make us male or female. Sheri can be found on the web and also at her University, Penn State.

The Gender Police have drawn hard lines on people of my experience. We have the extreme Right who would say our very existence is an abomination and we have the extreme left who insist that we must identify as some blend of gender that is neither wholly male or wholly female. I find one as constraining as the other.

I wonder where it came from that if we were free and perfectly healthy individuals that if we identify as women, we are not respected as women or if we identify as men, we are not respected as men. This is the problem of the extreme Right. We simply want to live our lives and be left alone to the right of privacy as any other American Citizen.

The other side of the equation exists from the extreme fringes of Feminism and is solely an extension of Womens' Studies professor Janice Raymond's ideology. Even today as she rewrote a foreward to her book The Transsexual Empire: The Making of the SheMale.  Even with her new forward, which is a rather shallow apology to transsexual women, she still sees us as victims of a patriarchy. She was unable to and continues to fail to recognize that we are woman who for many different reasons ended up at odds with our assigned gender. The majority of these do not involve obvious anatomical variations. For this reason being politically coerced into a continuum known as "Gender Spectrum" includes vastly different presentations because of vastly different etiologies, makes us pawns in a political struggle between Left and Right.

Interestingly, the most negative people about the realities of our lives both as individuals and in varying collectives include the extreme Right and the Extreme Left.

For one group, our very existence on the earth is anathamema. For the other group, our very right to a unified gender identity is sacriledge. I find both extremes both nullifying simultaneously.

At this time in our culture, very few who wish to fall under the umbrella  of transgender identify as gender queer. They have every right to that identity. It's not my identity. I do not consider them to have the same orientation of gender or have much in common with me other than a political desire to be left alone and become the best me I can be.

Similiarly people who feel a mix of their genders but have no burning urge to match their physical being to their identity, may be known as transgenders, crossdressers or by other labels that they define themselves by, have every right to be left alone and become the best people they can be.

Simply put, I am a woman. This is not a sociological statement, nor is it a political statement. It is who I am. There are more women who were correctly assigned at birth and individuals such as myself who were not, but sought to correct that error. I do not identify as a third gender or a fourth or a fifth. I'm just a woman.

This is a dual journey that I travel. I am the gender therapist and the gender patient, I bring my experience, professional and personal to the therapeutic alliance. All therapists do that. It is somewhat more unique for my patients as I am also someone who has been going through a legitimate process per the standards of care established by the World Professional Association of Transgender Health, a body of which I am proud to me a member.

As many of you know, I have been developing a comprehensive health care system for transgender people in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia. I have been instrumental in initiating the Speech and Language Department of my health care system to offer voice and communication therapy for transsexuals in order to be able to communicate in a gendered manner that is congruent with our identity.

In announcement to a health care online network, this program was rebuked with a harsh and in my opinion, unwarrented attack. The author of this attack who is a faculty member of a large institution of higher learning, stated that she found it highly offensive that such a program would state that the therapy offered would improve the ability to communicate in a more masculine or feminine style, depending on the preference of the patient. She stated that because of this, she would not wish to refer anyone there for voice therapy.

Personal disclaimer: I was involved in the initiative to develop these services, provided a number of training resources and linked them with other Speech and Language therapy professionals who are members of the World Professional Association of Transgender Health in their field who could be of further help in developing the program that we offer. In my opinion, they have developed a quality program that I myself have participated in and am so more than just comfortable in referring my patients who are interested in these types of services.

What I find to be most outrageous of this experience is the lack of forethought in the reckless condemnation of a service that person has no personal knowlege of, just a blind conviction of an ideology leading to  the same type of rigid results that the extreme right can be accused of (and rightfully so at times).

This is why I always say that I have found as much as bigotry, prejudice and hatred on the far right and the far left.

The issue at hand that I object to is that this person made a judgement that this person knows better for you than you do, therefore would not even grant you the opportunity to decide if this service would be helpful to you or not. Considering the philosophical orientation of this person, I find as much patriarchy in the Third Wave Feminist theory as they railed against in the Second Wave of Feminism. Each wants to control you, just to a different end, but neither will be the one of your own determination.

A pity, isn't it? I've seen absolutely no growth since Janice Raymond. 

Losing Male Privilege

As I come closer to completing my transition, I have learned what male privilege is by becoming more aware of no longer benefitting from male privilege as time goes by. This topic is much like male privilege itself; easy to enjoy if you have it and like an onion that you peel as you come to understand it in the context of what is lost.

It isn't the easiest thing to define. You know it when you experience it and you know it when you experience its loss. Of course when you lose male privilege in transitioning, you also learn about female privilege. Its a trade off and each has its benefits and its costs. Female privilege is a discussion for another time.

When you have male privilege, you don't worry where you park at night. You park wherever you want where you can find a parking place. Not anymore for me; now it is important to park as close to the door as possible when out shopping at night, and you are looking for a place under the parking lot light as well. It feels even safer if you have someone to escort you to your car and be sure you are safe when leaving. When you leave the restaurant or mall, you are sure to have your keys in your hand when you walk to your car, and you look under your car from a distance to be sure no one is under it. You look at the floor of your back seat to be sure no one has broken in. That is something you need to learn, it's part of being safe when you are a woman. We just learn it a lot later because we didn't grow up without male privilege. Most women are aware of and have developed strategies to cope with male privilege when they were young girls. It was a life long lesson. Becoming aware that you don't have that privilege can be most surprising when you notice it. I appreciate that Dana, my therapist took the time to spend teaching me about being safe as a woman in our world when I first began traveling to give workshops around the country.

Another aspect of male privilege is in the difference about how men and women are expected to handle conflict. Men can be confrontive and do not expect to be subjected to poor treatment in their interactions with others when they perceive that they are not being treated fairly. Now I am learning to be mild in expressing dissatisfaction with how I am treated and to attempt resolve a dispute in a gentle and conciliatory manner. This was pointed out to me very directly by two women I know after a conflict with another health care provider over HIS inconveniencing me at my job over not keeping to his scheduling.

I have noticed that when in conversation with a group of men, my opinion or that of another woman presen, is frequently asked as an afterthought, if at all, and usually I dont venture an opinion unless asked. I had to work on that one!
I don't see some grand plan to keep a woman in a one down position by the patriarchy in all of these examples. Many of these culturally oriented differences in privilege have developed, right or wrong, due to things we tend to be better at for a host of reasons. Some of these differences are archaic, some are based on biological differences, some are based on the biological differences in our dispositions as a man or a woman and some are derived from social roles. I appreciate a man who will offer to help me carry heavy objects and offer to to make sure I get to my car safely. I like it when a door is opened for me too. I think it's ok to ask for help.

These are some of the observations I have had since transitioning. Have you experiences with the loss of male privilege you would like to share?

Further Along the Long and Winding Road

                                                                                       

 Recently, I have had a few unfortunate personal circumstances and these have been needing my full attention.  As a result, I have not posted as frequently in the last few months. I have two other articles I have been working on for this blog. I also have not been working on a text for clinicians that I am writing. It's about providing care for transgender patients from the perspective of a transsexual who is also a well seasoned psychotherapist.

That is ok, it will get done in the future and it won't disappear. I have too many things happening to worry about things that will take care of themselves. I do have a strong desire to continue these projects.

I spoke to my own therapist today and we mainly spoke about the present unhappy circumstance. That's an external issue. I also have had my desire to speak to my supervisor put on the back burner because of the last three months of what has been going on. Today I had a very unusual conversation with two of my female coworkers who included me as another woman and not as a male. It could not have been as a female teasing a male. It was a simple female to female conversation about a subject of feminine interest. I simply answered honestly and felt quite comfortable.

However, this does seem to make informing my supervisor imperative considering another development. I had a second encounter with another professional in my field who knows my male presentation professionally. I reintroduced myself (for the very first time) as my female true self. It was evident that he recognized me. Turns out he calls my supervisor from time to time as they are friends. I would rather be able to present this information to her first.

In any event, I'm feeling close to being ready and when I feel the time is right I will set up that appointment. I do want to process it a bit with my therapist and have wanted to for about 8 weeks, these things keep getting in the way darn it!

Hopefully I will get a chance to talk to my therapist to fine tune my game plan next week and the nest couple sessions and then go forward with speaking with my supervisor. She is a fair minded person and has always been my best supporter of transgender care at the hospital. I'm very proud of my front office staff coworkers (two of who were having that conversation with me today). They are always especially kind to my transgender patients, NEVER make mistakes with names and NEVER mix up the pronouns. How cool is that?!

In any event, I am close to the tipping point with my employer and feel ready. Just please please please let me get through the external tough things going on, so I can get this accomplished

The New EEO Transgender Inclusive Policy

                                                                                    

On April 20th 2012, the United States Federal Equal Employment Opportunity Commission found that in title VII of the 1964 act should be interpreted to include transsexuals and transgendered people. This is a tremendous advancement for us, though there is still a long way to go in our long hard road to equal standing in our society. It does not automatically grant us equal protections in the private or state government workplace.

This policy means that federal employers (the government) may not discriminate against transsexuals in employment situations. There is a question that has arisen whether Federal EEOC policy applies to those who are contractors with the government and require them to comply with EEO standards with regard to gender orientation because they receive federal funding. The most responsible sources I have talked to have informed me that this is the case.

This is not the law of the land today. Many of us will mistakenly believe and continue to feel that this applies to every employment situation. I wish it were true. In order for that to come about, most states' judicial system will have to visit the issue through litigation, which may become a lengthy process if appeals have to reach each state's Supreme Court.

However this is the first major milestone in affording us equal rights and could be what is needed to compel Congress to pass ENDA. It is important to understand that it was the Democrat party that obstructed the passage of ENDA. It was passed in committee, and sent for final markup. The Democrat chair of the committee, did not move the bill forward and it expired in his possession. Not that I believe it would have moved forward under Republican leadership either. We simply must be aware that one's political allegiance is no guarantee of advancing our rights, though it is the Democrat party that has helped us the most. Still we do have allies in the Republican camp and it does not serve us well to blindly endorse one party or the other. We need to learn about each member of the House and the Senate and determine who will help us advance our quest for civil rights.

Virginia makes it easier to "Let Mama Drive" (from Trailer Bride's song of the same name)

On April 24th 2012 a new regulation to protect our freedoms as transsexuals went into effect. The Commonwealth of Virginia has simplified  the process of getting your gender marker changed on your drivers license to reflect your gender identity. In a landmark policy change, the Commonweath of Virginia has amended it's regulation so that an individual may have their gender marker changed to reflect one's gender identity without regard to a time frame when one anticipates having a surgical procedure. Indeed, one may not even be on Hormonal Reassigment chemotherapy to qualify to have her gender marker changed. Prior to the enactment of the new regulation, one had to be within 18 months of a planned surgery.
This new regulation has untold value for us and is such a leap forward for the Commonwealth of Virginia in becoming one of the states with cutting edge policy in protecting Transsexuals' rights on Aril 24th 2012. It is a powerful tool to ensure our rights are protected just as anyone else enjoys as a citizen of the Commonweath. It opens up a tremendous number of opportunities for us if we are
willing to experience new challenges. No longer will be we subject  to discrimination for using the appropriate bathroom publicly. Your identification supports your use of the appropriate bathroom legally. It also is a passport to a new job or career, or simply going back to school.

Here is the release that I got yesterday from the Virginia Trans Health Initiative, another agency of the Commonwealth. It has the link to get the Commonwealth of Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles to obtain the proper form.

"Virginia embraces a SIMPLE mechanism for changing one’s gender marker on a driver’s license. As of April 25, 2012, the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) implemented a new, and much simpler, policy for changing one’s gender marker on a VA driver’s license.  Individuals can now use the Gender Change Request form, known as DL-17, which requires only a signature from a licensed provider, including a doctor, psychiatrist, nurse practitioner, social worker, or counselor attesting to the fact that the applicant is a patient of the provider and that the applicant’s “gender identity” is either female or male and “can reasonably be expected to continue as such for the foreseeable future.”  The form does not require proof of surgery or even proof that the applicant is engaged in hormone therapy.  Link to form:  http://www.dmv.state.va.us/webdoc/pdf/dl17.pdf 

Until now, the VA DMV policy required proof of sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) evidenced by a letter from a surgeon or a court order recognizing a gender change.  In most states, such a court order depends on proof of SRS.  This requirement made it very difficult for many individuals to obtain a VA identification card accurately reflecting their gender."

We are living in a time where we women of transsexual experience are being allowed to take our place in society on an equal level. It is early, things are not perfect, but we should also rejoice in the progress as we gather ourselves to identify the next significant human rights advance to be confronted.

HAPPY MOTORING!!                                               

Becoming One: Within and Without

This past summer after an extremely moving experience I shared with one of my sisters in small town New Jersey, one Sunday, I discovered a community of intention and have been meeting with them on an ongoing basis. I have made some new friendships that are nurturing and sustaining.

      

                                                                                                                                                                   

Today we met and sought insights as to how we can, as an intentional community, reach out to more people in many more ways. We looked at our strengths and we discussed our challenges to create and realize such a vision.

Over the past several weeks, I have been coming to terms with something from long ago that was never resolved that frustrates me and leaves me confused wondering why it can occupy space in my mental and emotional life sometimes. Not every day and not necessarily all day either, but enough that it bears examination.

One of the things my community does is takes me out of that space and restores my sense of well being, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It does this by allowing me to feel connected to other people who as I get to know, I grow to care about.

These people accept me and want me to be with them, listen to what I say, allow me to listen to them and show that I care too. It has created a space where I don't need to think about gender. I can just be.

Many people speak of feeling less than, or "otherized" as I like to call it; not having a sense of belonging, or of less than equal worth. There is none of that in my community. It is a place I can be me. Simply just be me.

Some of us find ourselves along the way and experience that serenity, some of us don't. I'd argue that this is really what it is about, not a gender identity, male or female or whatever number of genders you may opine to exist. That is not what matters, really. What matters is that one can be who one is, be accepted as one is, without thought or pretense about where you fall on a binary or continuum.

Within ourselves we have to cultivate the level of self acceptance that when someone meets us or when we are a member of a community, we don't worry ourselves to death about the level of acceptance we are experiencing and how we are identified by others or how we identify ourselves.

Instead, in my community, we are focusing on how to strengthen each other as we reach out to be of service and comfort to those who find themselves disenfranchised and seek a hand up. We want that open hand to be there for each other and for those who have need.

These are the more and more frequent things I am experiencing in my life. They are nurturing me and giving me more opportunities to live in service to others, as I have always striven to do my whole life.

My wish for those of you who share a similar life journey, whether it be my walk in two worlds, or one, or even multiples of worlds, is that you too will find more and more experiences in life that allow you to just be in the moment, without thought about who you are or how you think others think about who you are.

                                    

Affirming Life's Positive Moments

I could go on and on about the things in my life that aren't the way that suit. I've done that here already in other posts. Then a few days come along that allow me to know that my life is much better than it used to be and makes me think about how good things are for people who have the life experiences I have had. The past few days have been like that. One thing that makes my life different is that I have no relationships with other women of my experience in the local area. That has much to do with where I live and my daily schedule. My friends who share the experiences that I have experienced all live in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, metro D.C. and Ohio. I only get to see them a few times a year. I wish that I could see them more often but that really isn't possible at this particular time in my life.

Many women of my experience most often write about the terrible things that have happened to them or are happening. To be sure, some of the things that I have gone through in my life have left indelible scars. Sometimes wounds get reopened when I least expect it. Moving past those things requires a lot of spiritual discipline, something I have not perfected. I work hard to improve my spiritual condition which in turn, allows the wounds to heal and for me to experience a more joyful life. It also makes it less likely that I will be retraumatized.

 It also takes my willingness to seek help from people such as my therapist Dana and my pastors, Ann, Heather, and Jim.  Caroline Tammermand, Michelle Alexander, and Nicole Amie have a real handle on spiritual growth and truly inspire me to look beyond the things that are unhappy in our lives and in my own life. They all help me focus on the the things and experiences that are uplifting. Christina Lang has been a sister to me almost  as long as I have been on the internet.  I have some other women I am close to who have been wonderful supports and are dear to me too. I won't name them all because I wouldn't want to hurt one of them by overlooking them. Please know that you are all cherished dearly and deeply.

 Most important to me is Patty. Without her and her love and support, my life would be empty. She is such a positive and spiritual woman that she truly inspires me and I admire her so much! How I wish I were more like her!

The past few days have been what I wish life were everyday.  On Wednesday, I went to voice therapy and the two speech and language pathology therapists always make me feel like any other woman they might be working with.

 I was supposed to go to a workshop yesterday morning, but it was icy and I decided that discretion was the better part of valor. Later in the day I did go out to go shopping to get some things I needed. I went to get my new glasses and an older woman waited on me to fill my prescription. Because of my medical information it was more clear what my life had been in the past than I would have cared to have revealed. She was so kind and complimentary to me. She gave me the gift of not "otherizing" me.  She enquired as to my work as part of helping me select the lenses that would help me the best.
 She told me that she thought that I must be very good at my career which made me feel really good. She also said she thought I was very photogenic (she used a computer imaging system to make sure that the lenses were centered correctly), which was very flattering to someone who is not always as comfortable with her beauty as she should be (Because every woman is beautiful in her own way, but she often doesn't recognize it). It wasn't something she had to say. It wasn't a matter of salesmanship. It was a sincere compliment from her heart. It made me feel like any other woman who might have come in for a new pair of glasses.

I had some time to spend before picking up my new glasses, so I.... went shopping! Belk had a fabulous sale going on and I had been wanting a ruffled cardigan sweater that I had my eye on for quite a while, like since before Christmas! So I scored that, and of course, there is the inevitable. I ended up buying two dresses and some hose. What can I say? They were on sale!!!! Look at all the money I saved! I admit, I love shopping and I love to be stylish, but I always find what I like at a bargain! Patty says I'm the best power shopper she knows! (At least I didn't buy any shoes, but I did look!).

The saleswoman I was working with helped me with the dressing room when I tried on my dresses. We chatted about the nasty weather and she complimented my diamond and the color of my top which I shared that I had gotten there and I admired her beautiful silver Chandelier earrings. We chatted about designers we like, she told me she liked Ruby Road and Rafaella, which I like and I shared that I love Donna Morgan dresses and I wish that Belk would carry more of her dresses. I also told her I liked Evan Picone fashions too!

Today I went to church. I felt disappointed because I had missed a workshop on Discernment that I wanted to attend. Today's experience made up for having to miss yesterday's workshop. I was quite touched spiritually today. As the service began, it began to snow these great big, wonderful, beautiful snow flakes! This was so totally unexpected and not in the forecast! During some of the hymns and parts of the liturgy, my attention drifted to the windows to watch this beautiful pure white snow begin to trim the deeply rich green of the magnolia outside. It lifted my spirit and I felt warm and at home feeling the love of the congregation that we all have for each other and for those who are of different faiths or no faith at all, and for the reconciliation of those who are not of any faith or belief as well as those who believe differently. We shared about being penitent about our anger towards those who have even harmed us in some way. We talked about learning how to demonstrate that penitence publicly.

After the service, I have gotten into staying for coffee and the adult education class after that. I have been enjoying that so much since I finally got up the courage to stop being shy and go!   <<Rolls her eyes at herself!! and smiles miles sheepishly>> I am making so many new friends with women there. They are so welcoming and embracing. I can see the possibility of becoming close friends with several of them. Pastor Heather gave me a book for Christmas on women of the Bible who exemplify the best attributes of friendships between women. This is the sort of growth that I have been seeking. Coincidentally, in February, there will be a workshop on this topic and I am so looking forward to this time to learn more about myself.

You know, what I came away with this weekend, that was so powerful in my healing and growth? I didn't have to think about the ever looming issue of "GENDER" when one is in transition, seems too often in the forefront of one's mind. It just didn't happen. I didn't wonder about those negative self  doubts and what someone might be thinking of me or about me. I was just free to be! I was just totally present in what I was doing in the moment.

I also reflected that the vast majority of my experiences have been really positive. There have been some bad experiences on rare occasions. Really though, I almost always experience the exact opposite of what I am afraid of. Looking back on my life, I have to say, growing up one way was tremendously worse than living this way. The lessons? Learn to be still  and listen. Learn to trust yourself.

What a WONDERFUL feeling! I feel free.

Transitioning, Passing and Stealth

Most of us have thought at one time or another that when we transitioned we could live in stealth, living our lives without others knowing of our transgender past. When I was in second grade, I had a fantasy after reading The Box Car Children that I would run away to another town where no one knew me.  The Box Car Children had lost their parents and had been in an orphanage. They learned that they were going to go live with their grandfather who they had erroneously decided was a mean old man who didn't care about them. So they ran away and found a railroad box car on an abandoned spur off a railroad track in the woods that they came across in their travels. This turned out to become a wonderful home for them! They fixed it up nicely so that it was homey and comfy. There was a creek close by that they dammed up and had a nice place to play and swim. And of course, they went to school and had everything they needed. Eventually, their grandfather did arrive on the scene and turned out to be kind and loving, so they went to live with him. If I remember correctly, he was pretty wealthy too. He had the box car moved to his home so they would have that forever.

 I decided this was a pretty good plan for me to become the girl I knew myself to be! I would live in a cave and go to school as the girl I really was! PERFECT!! (Only I hadn't thought about where I was going to get an adult to enroll me in this new school in this new town, or buy me all these new clothes, and I wasn't particularly mindful about where my meals would come from or who would take care of me when I got sick or was afraid, or had a nightmare.....).

I thought that when I finally would run away, I would have all the clothes I could want or need to be the perfect little girl! To that end, I poured over the Sears and J.C. Penney catalogues looking at the clothes a 2nd grade or 3rd grade girl would wear and picked out the pretty dresses I liked. I would draw pictures of pretty girls wearing the clothes in the catalogue with my colored pencils. I wonder if my mama ever saw those pictures that I drew? I was careful when I did this that she was elsewhere in the house doing mama things while I was doing Michelle things. That was my first name I picked for myself and that was the name my BFF Christina Lang knew me as when she met me in an IRC chat room in either 1996 or 1997. At some point I decided that Michelle was way too close to my male name and really didn't reflect my personality anyway! Thus, Sherri Lynne was born (already all grown up)!

I don't know why I never ran away but I guess as I got a bit older, I realized that there was no way I could, as a child, make this plan work. I mean, really, how was I going to afford ALLLL those clothes?? I didn't get more than about a quarter a week allowance back in the day (NO, I'm STILL not going to tell you how old I am!!). Even into my adolescence and young adulthood, I held out the thought I would finish college and transition, go to graduate school and transition, graduate from graduate school and disappear as I transitioned. In those days there were no resources available where I lived or where I eventually moved to in order to accomplish this thing I wanted so badly, so it never happened. I knew there were others like me. By this time I had read literally dozens of books and hundreds of journal articles, but where could I find the help I needed within a reasonable distance? I couldn't. I knew that if I did move somewhere where no one knew me that I would have to break off my relationship with my family to accomplish becoming the person on the outside that I was on the inside. I would disappear and my friends would never know what happened to me. I would start life all over again and that this would be the price to be paid in order to live my life in stealth.

So for one reason (or was it an excuse?) and another and another, I chose not to transition until three years ago. As time goes on, my transition picks up the pace. I've come to the realization over this period of time that there is no perfect stealth for the vast majority of us. I'm sure some people have been able to establish perfect stealth, but I think they are far and few between. Given that we are such rare people to begin with according to best estimates, the numbers of us who have achieved perfect stealth are even infinitely rarer.

For instance, if I were to achieve perfect stealth, I would have to lose all of the following things: my family; all my present friends; my career; my home; my community; ties to the college and universities I attended. In other words, I would have to move somewhere where I have never been, have no contact with those I left behind, and likely give up a career in which I have been very successful in and not be able to claim all the years of experience that I have in my career. That would be a very steep price to pay for a chance at something that might be successful for a while, but I would always be looking over my shoulder in fear that I would run into someone who knew my past or knew someone I knew who had a story about someone they knew who...  You understand what I'm saying here. Is it farfetched that it could happen after all that sacrifice?

Consider this experience I had one time. I was flying back from Kansas City after taking part in a substance abuse treatment conference. The first interesting thing was that Richard Petty of NASCAR fame was on the same plane, but then something even more amazing occurred. The flight was bound for Charlotte where I had to make a connection. I became engaged in a conversation with a man from Florida seated next to me. He had been out west on a business trip and was on his way home, also changing planes in Charlotte. We got to talking and I told him I was on my way to Charlottesville. He told me that he grew up there and of course my curiosity was piqued. I asked him where he went to elementary school as I had gone to school there and it turned out that not only had he gone to the same school, we were in the same class in first and second grade, were playmates, and later were in Scouts together. Small world, huh? That's an example of why I don't think perfect stealth will ever be an option for most of us and certainly not for me.

Rather, I think that stealth exists in degrees or like layers of an onion. There will be people who will always know that you once lived in a different gender you are today. I wonder if any of them can really see me as a woman and not quickly think of the person I used to be in my former gender. My guess is that at some times that will happen and others they will remember who I used to be. That isn't my ideal, but I can accept that reality, as long as I am treated with dignity and respect and as the woman I am. I think the younger a person transitions, the degrees of stealth increase. My reasoning on this is that there is much more life to be lived and many more new people coming into one's life who never knew the young person in a differently gendered life.

 For some people this will be important to them, for others not at all. When I think of those who it is unimportant to, I think of those folks who identify themselves as "gender queer". Perhaps it is a function of the times I grew up in, but I can't relate to that identity, personally. I have always had a clear identity as being female, and view my male body as a birth defect. I don't loathe the body I was born in as the stereotype of transsexuals that exists, I just have always known it wasn't the one I was supposed to have.

It would be really difficult to continue in my chosen profession if I were to disavow my past professional life in order to live in stealth. I have too many years in my profession, too many accomplishments that I would have to leave behind, and with that decision the prospect for a job that is commensurate with my knowledge skills and abilities and with my salary requirements would all but be impossible to obtain. I wouldn't have any references and wouldn't be able to list prior work experiences because the person I am interviewing with may possibly know another professional I used to work with. Any google of my name would also lead to my prior identity because of the types of psychotherapy I practice as well as my true identity. Instantly, my illusion of stealth would be shattered. For most of us in the age of the internet, stealth is becoming more and more of an illusion.

When one considers stealth and what it means, we are often talking about our transition and passing. In the first few years before I seriously considered transitioning, I did go out as myself, with generally unhappy outcomes. Though I dressed nicely, I didn't pass. So at that time, stealth wasn't even on the table as something possible. I would catch funny looks out of the corner of my eye or people frankly staring and that was really painful for me, to feel that something that seemed so right to me, made me at best a curiosity and at worst the target of derision or being seen as a freak.

Eventually though, with enough experience in being out and about, and as the hormones changed the way I looked, the way I carried myself publicly, and the more comfortable I became in social interactions, people stopped staring and I became able to go about my business and became comfortable interacting with people, I realized that I was "passing", even in situations with close contact, such as shopping in the Bare Escentuals store for makeup or dining out by myself or with my friends. Even in the most difficult tests of all, being in proximity with teenage girls (notorious for being able to scope us out) and in the ladies room.

Now if it is the case that I am passing well, then I have accomplished a level of stealth that in many ways is the only stealth most of us will ever experience. Even if I am being read as a transsexual woman, the fact that I am being treated with dignity and respect as a woman is really all that is necessary for me to live my life in a manner that allows me to be who I am.

I also have a new church that is welcoming to transgender people, though to my knowledge I am their only trans woman. I don't mind it because they have all been so nice to me, made me feel at home and wanted as part of the congregation. They treat me as a woman and I don't have to think about being a trans woman at this point there which is always a nice way to live. I've spent way more time than I ever wanted to thinking about my gender as it is.

To continue to work in my career at the same health care system, means that there will be no stealth for me whatsoever, as I interact with nearly every clinical service that is available there. However, the important thing to me, again, is that I be treated respectfully and with dignity. To me it’s that people get the name and the pronouns right when they speak to me or about me. I certainly have no thought " they won't know". Indeed, it is the colleagues closest to me where I work who will have the most difficult time with the transition. Patience on my part will be required as they will not get it right 100% of the time in the beginning. As long as they are making the effort to try to get it right and are improving, then I can roll with it during the learning curve.

 I would hope that new professionals who join us as others leave will only know me as a woman. I also know that it would be unusual if there weren't one or two who know me and said to the new coworker, "Yeah, and you won't believe this but Sherri used to be a guy!!" Such is human nature. I'm sure in most cases it wouldn't be meant maliciously either, knowing the people I work with. I wouldn't be happy if it occurred, but in the grand scheme of things I could handle it. I would be assertive in asking the person involved not to do that again. I think I know my coworkers well enough that if that were the case they would stop after being asked.

Dealing with family is an entirely different subject. It is my hope when I engage a patient for therapy who is transgendered if problems within the family system over a family member's transgender status develop that I have an opportunity to intervene. My hope would be to prevent people becoming estranged with their family of origin. I'm almost certain that almost no family member will ever think of their relative other than their birth gender, even if they are loved and accepting of that relative. It's almost impossible to forget all that shared history. But it is possible to accept and embrace their relative. More and more often, even if there is a period of estrangement, families are staying close to their transitioned family member. The bonds of family are very strong. Even in the cases I've worked with where children are abused or neglected, they more often do remain close to their families, even after having been removed and placed into foster care until the age of majority.

I think that in more public situations is where stealth exists and perhaps in business situations when dealing with other businesses and perhaps even in the place of employment if different from the place of employment where one transitions. As relationships become closer, the degrees of stealth diminish. Is that necessarily a bad thing? I think not. I want the people who are closest to me to really know me for who I am. Even this most painful part of my life (my prior male existence) after my transition is complete. After transition, I believe that I will simply see myself as a woman; being in a "trans" state will be over. I could very well be wrong about that though.  This is not to say I think that when my transition is complete I have arrived at the destination. Life is a voyage, a journey. The arrival is when we reach the end of our time here and go on to what’s next. I'm rather thankful that life is that way too.