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Sunday, January 8, 2012

My Wife's Response to The Long and Winding Road....

My wife wrote this in an email to me about the most recent blog. With her permission, I have posted it here. Please understand that our relationship remains strong. It is very hard for our wives, girlfriends and partners to come to grips with the transition, even in the case where the wife knew since the beginning of the relationship, as is true of us. She is having to go through a tremendous adjustment and I don't think we can ever take too lightly what we ask of them. The fact that she chooses to remain with me is a testament to her character. If you choose to leave a comment in response the only thing I would ask is be respectful to her and recognize that despite the deep emotional pain she has experienced over my decision. She loves me deeply and remains strongly committed to our relationship.         

"I read your blog and found it heart wrenching. I know the desire to
transition is so strong that it begins to absorb the TG person. It
becomes the focus of your life. The focus of your day. The reason for
getting up in the morning. It literally sucks the life out of you.You
lose the ability to define your "self" anymore. Everything you do, think
or wish for seems to be an extension of this central theme. If you
spend the better part of your life in this isolated place it seems to
me that you begin to disappear. Once the transition is complete you are
suddenly like an alien that has just landed on earth without an
instruction book or map. I picture it as suddenly waking up after being
in a coma and realizing that life went on without your involvement or
"presence" and you just can't believe how things have changed in the
time you were "unconscious." You literally have to start over with
just the shirt on your back in a place you don't recognize. The grief must
be overwhelming when you realize you "missed" so much of your

I can't begin to understand your feelings and I don't have your
level of education or understanding on this cruel trick of nature.I
stand by holding on as best I can.I go about my days doing what needs
to be done .I am trying to adjust to the losses that I am
experiencing. {My husband} seems to have been replaced by someone else when I
wasn't looking. It's a twilight zone of sorts because you are looking
out at the same things I am but with a whole different purpose and
perception.You see something I can't see and I see something you can't
see.We stumble around trying our best to make sense of what the other
sees and feels.I love you but I admit I am lonely and afraid. I know
you have felt the same way for a lot longer than I have. It would be
great if we could find a place we both recognize as "our" place. I know
there is a way. I will always love you."


  1. In a similar place as both of you, my wife and I are going through this right now and reading your wife's response could have just as easily been my wife's response to me. It is a difficult, heart-wrrenching process, especially for the spouse. But that doesn't diminish the hurt that I feel, not only for myself, but also for the probable loss of not only my wife, but my best friend from my life.

    It is not an easy decision, and for some like myself, not a decision at all. We don't strive to kill our relationships; killing our marriages/relationships is the LAST thing we want. But the urge to be ourselves, to be the person that we know in our minds and hearts that war were supposed to be, is so overwhelming that sometimes it seems that it is our goal to make our significant others feel worthless...and insignificant.

    Thank you for sharing Sherri, and thank you for your perspective P....


  2. i envy both of you and admire your wives. My wife has said when i transition i will have to leave as she is not a lesbian. My best to y'all.


  3. Are there any wives out there that would be willing to share/talk with me?If so my email is God bless you all.Patty

  4. This is a very touching blog, a deeply rooted one for me, and Sherri, your wife's brave attempt at understanding goes beyond sainthood...if only all of us had the same mature relationship that you and your wife share, it would definitely make life a lot easier to cope as we muddle thru transition. Great post and thnx for sharing all of this with us!
    Traci O'Gara xoxo

  5. I Wish you both well! My decision to come clean at the age of 56 cost me a 24 yr marriage, we are still friends and do things together, but my wife said from the beginning she couldn't see herself living with me as a woman. I still lover her dearly and miss her every day. But I am so greatful she hasn't walked away entirely.....yet. I understand the shock and the pain we put our spouses through, and maybe I'm a bit selfish to say that this is something I desperately needed, or I truly believe sooner or later, I would have taken my own life and wouldn't be around for her or my daughters anyway. You this isn't about hurting others, it's about not hurting yourself any longer. I am happier than I've been my entire life and I truly respect those who cannot accept the path I've chosen. Live is full of diversity and I'm blessed that I found that out finally. My goal is SRS, but with me money is the issue. If you choose this path, I support you! If after Therapy and deep thought you choose not to go down this path...I support you still! God Bless you all my friends! Love Jamie

  6. Having an opinion on most things and an answer for many others, I am at a loss every time this subject is broached.
    I can no more see into your thoughts Patty, about how you deal with this, than you can see into Sherri's ( or mine).
    Yet we muddle through and occasionally survive, in spite of the prejudice.
    So that leaves both parties dazed and confused and if, "Only the strong transition." then only the strongest stand alongside and give their partner their complete support and love.

    Is there a stronger committment that could be made by Humans.
    Highly unlikely and not in a world that has such unpalatable prejudice against all others who would dare to be different.

    It's a brave person you are, Patty Tancyus and I admire you greatly.

    Rachel King
    ( haven't got a URL, apparently.... so anon. it is)

  7. Patti, I find the spouses of transitioners who remain are among us the most courageous and deeply loving people. You face ridicule from friends, a daily challenge to be loyal to a person changing incrementally, yet progressively, into someone the same and yet so different: a living oxymoron. In the end love either is enough or it isn't. For my marriage it wasn't enough, and my ex is a credentialed Christian minister. Can I blame her? Well I don't. In her eyes I killed the man she loved. I don't believe I changed so much, but it was enough to repulse her: love wasn't enough.

    I have said it and still believe it, transitioners are not so courageous we simply do what needs to be done to survive. True love is giving fully of one's self to one who mayb never accept or appreciate it. Like Jesus Christ, fully giving one's self over for another's salvation. Someone has to be crucified and Patti it is you. One of you had to die, and Patti you have the courage to face death and resurrection. What is sown will be reaped. Something better will come from this.

    Sherri I love you, my sister, but we are not the heros in this tale, it is really the spouses who choose to stay and die so we may live.
    My prayer, my sincere with tearstained cheeks prayer, is you can transition with Sherri and live 'to death us do part"

  8. Thank you Marsha, I think you are so right in what you have observed and shared here.

    hugs, Sherri

  9. What we endure is unimaginable pain for ourselves to achieve what we want to be. However, what we endure pales into insignificance when our spouses or partners have to confront and deal with both our pain and longing as well as the sidebar effects to themselves and the friends, relatives and acquaintances we have. Besides which they have to deal with their own confusion and hurt. The ramifications of our changing are well nigh endless. It is a tribute to your partner that she can cope with this and still be in your relationship. Your partner (and any others who might be in the same situation) should be lauded as a true examplar of love with a full understanding of that term!..tell them that and often.

  10. My heart breaks reading this Patty and Lauren. I have been married to the love of my life for 47 years. We have shared everything since the day we met almost 50 years ago, yet I simply can't tell her. Your courage and commitment speak so highly of you. Thank you for sharing this, it confirms that my silence is not wasted, I have hid in plain sight for so long that it has become my way of life. May God grant you many years together as He has my wife and me.