The Long and Winding Road: After the Bell Goes Off

Many of us go through life sitting on the fence about transitioning for years        before we do it. We know who we are, we just aren't sure what we want and/ or need to do about it.

 As Bob Dylan wrote, "Some of us turn off the lights and we live in the moonlight shooting by. Some of us scare ourselves to death in the dark to be where the angels fly..." There are those of us who desperately know what they want, but are so filled with fear over what the implications of recognizing their transsexuality means and what is necessary to resolve the situation that they are paralyzed and live in a state of denial for many years, only to realize much later in life what they must do. Many among us call that "The bell rang or the bell went off". There are those of us for who the bell rang immediately when they realized their female identity and plunge ahead. For some of those people, they intuitively made the right choice. Then there are those who jump in only to find somewhere down the road that they made all the wrong decisions. So they took steps that are irreversible and live with painful regrets. This isn't to say they don't have a feminine identity, but for various reasons they conclude they made a terrible mistake and might not be transsexual.
Various studies indicate that the vast majority of us will never have GRS. The reasons are myriad. Some will never be able to come up with the money and will live in that in between state for the rest of their lives. Others simply have commitments that mean more to them than having GRS, though they dearly desire to be complete. Then there are those whose health is too poor to undergo these procedures, and there are as many reasons true transsexuals cannot fully transition as there are those who choose not to or are unable, too numerous to name here.
Years ago, in my internet searches about information that I could use to help myself, I came across an article written by an anonymous woman who has gone through transition and GRS. I'm not sure I agree with every single thing she said, but from my own personal experience and of the transgender people I've treated or met, I think that there is much wisdom in her article. It is quite lengthy. She makes the point that you either are a woman or you are not. That isn't the question though. The question is: Did your bell go off? I think that is an important insight. If your bell hasn't rung, she believes you should not transition and if it has gone off you will have no choice.
I remember vividly the day my bell rang. It wasn't, as the anonymous author notes, a joyous occasion. My life had been dedicated to not having to do this and I gave it one hell of a shot. I can look back at my football career. When I was 13 I went to preseason practices with the varsity and practiced with them until the J.V.'s started after school began. I got the living hell beat out of me until my freshman year when I lettered on the varsity team the first time, the only one in my class who played on the varsity team. From my sophmore year on, I started both ways on offense and defense. It was great cover for me, or so I pretended.
 Later, I would go on to rock climbing, caving, and I even rode a bull several times. That was nothing but sheer stupidity trying to deny who I am and live that man's life. I lived wrecklessly and honestly should have been killed on at least 5 occasions. I lost my first marriage over this when it didn't go away as I had hoped. I, like so many others thought getting married would make it all go away.
On the day my bell rang, I had been treating transsexuals for 13 years. My thinking was, if I can't do this myself, at least I can help others so they wouldn't suffer any longer as we so often do and live their lives authentically, if that was their right path. Seven years earlier, my dear friend Gianna Israel who is no longer with us wrote me a referral letter for HRT but I didn't use it at the time. I wanted to get on hormones, but the bell hadn't rung yet. I knew it would come, though.  I had returned to therapy and my transsexualism was the reason for my return. I needed to figure out where I was going with all this. Six months into therapy, my bell rang and it rang loudly. I gathered my courage and called the gynecologist I have been referring to since my first male to female patient. I had been referring to her for all of those thirteen years and she was one of the biggest supporters of the work I was doing. I took three days after deciding I wanted to go on HRT to screw up my courage and then I called her. I vividly remember blurting out to her "Melinda, I just can't do this any more, I need your help." She had no idea that I was a transsexual myself, but she is very compassionate and told me, of course she would help. Then I had to go home and tell the person I love more than anyone or anything, more than life itself, what I had decided to do and what I had done about it. Our lives together have never been the same. That is the point of the writer's book.  There will be losses and some will be very painful losses. Be darn sure you are a transsexual before you make the decision to transition . You may possibly lose everything you hold dear. If you are a transsexual, it will be extremely difficult to transition and extremely difficult emotionally not to transition. There seem to be no winners here, at least in the short term to mid term. Recently, I made the comment to Dana, my own therapist, that I was every wife's nightmare. She's heard me make this statement several times and this time she said, "No you aren't. {your wife} loves you and is staying with you. Don't you know any other couples that stay together?" Yes, I do. Besides myself, I know my friend Christina and her wife are successfully working this through, not that it is very easy. I also thought of Christen and Nikki off the top of my head during that session. So, we are not every wife's nightmare.
 I do see a lot of happier women who undertake this rite of passage and successfully transition, but it seems to take a long time to get there from what I can see. Those who do survive the losses and the transition generally tell me they have some improved sense of peace and sense of self as complete and a better quality of life but they always seem to have a bittersweet quality to their lives as well. Others I have known have not fared so well at all.
Here's the link; it's worth the time it take to read it. As I said, I don't agree with all of it, but I think most of it rings true. It's something everyone who is seriously contemplating should read and reflect upon.

http://www.tgchatroom.com/wiki/index.php/So_You_Want_To_Be_a_T-Girl