Thursday, February 23, 2012
Light at the End of the Tunnel
In my last post, I wrote about the accidental outing to my parents and my feelings of fear and despair, over the pain that my parents were experiencing, while also worrying about what would become of our relationship. It was extremely difficult emotionally and even now as the dust settles I am still regathering myself as I adjust to the "new normal" in my relationship with them.
I have to thank Patty for helping all of us through this experience for what she has done to repair their shock about finding out about my true gender. She's been so instrumental in helping us preserve our relationship as parent and adult child, as much as helping me overcome my own fear of the sense of potential loss of my relationship with them.
I think that between the information I have shared with them about transsexuals before they found out and Patty's explanation of what life has been like for me over the years and that our relationship remains solid has led them to acceptance of my own female identity, though they are not ready to talk about it directly with me.
For me, the turning point came the other day when Patty called my mom and explained to her how upset I was over this and she shared with her about my fear of being disowned, as they are the only family I have. She explained to her that I was having a very difficult time at work. Mom asked Patty to tell me to call her so she could reassure me that I was still their child and I wasn't going to lose my relationship with them.
I called mom and she expressed this to me which was a tremendous relief. It felt like the dam had broken and all the fear and emotional pain I was in came flooding out and leaving me, though I have still been quite emotional over the past few days.
My hope is that I will be able to explain at some point why I have to transition and that they will accept this and embrace me. That is going to take awhile to come about, but the main thing is that I will no longer live in fear of the accidental discovery when I am out on the property or if they should see me leaving the house when they go to get their mail. This was the most burdensome of secrets that I have carried throughout my life. I now feel so much more free than I ever have before.
Is it ideal now? No, but it is so much better and that is enough for today.
Aside from this important step in transitioning being accomplished, there was another silver lining in this dark cloud experience. I am astounded and once more humbled by the tremendous outpouring of love and support from all of you during this terribly difficult experience. It was because of Patty and all of you that I was able to get through all of this and come out on the other side in one piece.
For all of that, THANK YOU! I love all of you too! Tonight I am a happy woman.