Further Along: How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Well, Its been quite a long time since I updated the blog about what has been going on in my life. When last I wrote about the bigoted, transphobic and inexcusable hatred directed by my daughter in law and stepson towards me and towards poor Patty who did not deserve the treatment she received from them, I knew that if I did not take positive action to help us both, we would both fall into despair. The real victim in all of that episode was Patty. For her to essentially lose the relationship she had with her son for things that have nothing to do with her directly was a terrible and unjust loss. We really didn't expect anything else from our daughter in law. She never liked me from the day we met over 20 years ago and it was clear to Patty as well that she didn't like Patty either. Nasty remarks she had made about Patty to another of our children's spouse came back to us,so being cast out of her life was no real loss to either Patty or me.

While I thought that my stepson and I were very close at one time. He had told me that I was like a father to him as his father had left the family when he was very young. Two years ago when my own father died, he never even lifted the phone to offer any kind of support or comfort to me during one of the most difficult times in my life. After the initial shock of my step daughter's bad behavior, his refusal to talk to me about my being transsexual was no surprise to me. It was a reflection of the weakness of his character. My daughter in law had verbally attacked Patty about me, she was too much of a coward and a bully to speak to me about this. she saw Patty as an easy target. So this loss of family, while painful, was not nearly as hard for me as it was for Patty and my main concerns have been for her. Not visiting on Christmas or other occasions was actually a relief for me as I am glad I don't have to see them anymore. when I have known for years I really wasn't welcome at their home by my daughter in law.

To watch Patty suffer through this was heartbreaking for me though and I knew I had to do something to be here with her more and spend more time with her that our daily lives generally do not allow us to be together as much as we both long for. I also knew that with my own history of depression that I could not allow myself to fall back into depression. Truthfully, I can say I have not had a depressed day since I transitioned, but I have a real fear of ever becoming depressed as I was the prior 6 years before I did transition.

So I made a decision to take an extra day off from work each week. I am fortunate to work a four day work week with every Wednesday off. That has allowed me to play golf and attend to business matters that can't be taken care of on the weekends as well as having more time during the week with Patty. I was fortunate to be able to take Tuesdays off for the summer months giving me two days off in a row during the week and of course my two day weekends.

We decided to start doing home renovations that were long over due and to take more time for each other. I was also able to play golf more often as my back allowed, which I find is good for my spiritual condition. Our house is over 130 years old and my father had bought it in 1969. He remodeled it then and it was time to renovate again, but I never seemed to have the time to make any big improvements. We had also inherited two estates over the past 20 years and much of that stuff had been cluttering the house for years.

So what we did was rented a construction site sized dumpster and began decluttering, and getting rid of the debris from the renovations that we did! By the summer's end we had filled the dumpster completely which was my goal!

As far as the house was concerned we came up with a two year plan to upgrade and repair the house. I also had a lot of help from a good friend all summer long. I couldn't have gotten done all that we accomplished without his help. Patty and I enjoyed his company and he would bring his dog over to play with Jack which was good for Jack as well. After a hard day's work, Patty or I would cook him a wonderful meal and enjoy his company and friendship. It was truly a reflection of the depth of his friendship to be so generous with his time and energy to help us get so much.

First we emptied out the utility room and scrubbed down the floors, walls and ceilings. This probably had not been done in 20 years as because of Patty's and my physical disabilities we were unable to do much in the way of heavy work, but I have been blessed to have had a wonderful recovery from my cervical spine surgery and can do a lot of things I thought I would never be able to do again (like play golf!). We got rid of the accumulated clutter in there as well and got the room organized.

Then we started pulling up old tile and carpet downstairs and upstairs, The tile wasn't too bad for the most part, but I never realized that when you take up old carpet, then you have to pull up the various tack boards and staples out of the floor that holds the carpet in place. That was tedious work!

We bought ourselves a new refrigerator and had new energy efficient windows installed downstairs. I felt ambivalent about replacing those old windows because of the antique wavy glass which added a nice touch to our old house, but the need to be energy efficient made the decision necessary.

Then we began the project that took up over half of the summer and into late fall. We painted the lower portion and the larger part of the metal roof. We decided to not paint the high part of the roof because it needs to be replaced and that is part of next year's project. We just got done with that by the time it got too cold to paint outside as it took much longer than we thought it would. The last time the roof was painted, the people I hired did a very poor job and it began peeling in months after it was painted. First we had to scrape down the roof removing the old paint. I think that the people I hired didn't do that and that is why it peeled. Then we primed the roof and after that painted it. This year, I will have the upper roof replaced and touch up the roof that we painted from whatever damage the winter has done.

I have been a coin collector since I was 7 or 8, but never organized my collection in any meaningful way. So I really didn't know what I have in my collection. I spent many enjoyable hours organizing and cataloging my collection on a spread sheet so I know what I have. I enjoy identifying and organizing my foreign coins as much as my American coins, Its also fun to find out the history of what was going on when the coins were first struck and circulated as some coins were struck due to historical circumstances and there are some very interesting stories behind the images on some coins.

One story I will share is about the "flying eagle" once cent coin which was only struck and circulated for two years in 1857 and 1858. It was used before the Indian head penny. The eagle lived at the Philadelphia mint. It was a wild eagle and not captive, so it would come and go as it pleased. The men who worked at the mint considered it as sort of their pet and named him "Pete" So it is Pete the eagle who was the model for that coin! Sadly, Pete met an untimely and tragic end. Somehow, Pete got his wing caught in one of the coin stamping presses and despite doing everything they could to try to save Pete, he did not survive the injury and died from his injuries.Another reason I didn't write here for so long is that I have spent a lot of time on creative writing this summer and fall. Patty is a quite talented poet and is a published author. I have also written poetry over the years and featured my favorite poem that I wrote from the 1980's called the Tao of Fishing earlier on this blog.

We have been fascinated with the Japanese form of poetry called Haiku. True Haiku is written only about nature and follows the form of three lines with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second and five in the third line. I have written in the past that I can see that even though born male and raised male that I had a girlhood growing up, albeit a very unusual one, mainly in my inner life. I decided to write a long form poem using Haiku poetry structure as the format for each stanza. When it is ready for publication, I will post it here.

We are getting ready to have a new back door installed which will be stronger and better insulated as well. I have also been preparing to paint the upstairs hallway and bathroom, which we will do in two weeks.

This summer I'm planning to take an extra day off each week again. We have the upstairs windows to replace and more decluttering to be done so that we can have those windows replaced, as well as removing the old tile in the bedrooms and bathrooms. We need to have the down stairs bathroom redone and then we can finish painting the upstairs. After that we will repaint the downstairs as well.
We have some minor painting to do outside on some outbuildings too.

So the lesson I would leave you with from my experiences this summer is that in the face of such adversity, it is important to focus on the blessings in your life. Find positive things to do that will enrich the quality of your life and do not dwell on what cannot be helped.

In the end, who really lost from my stepson's and daughter in law's malicious attitude? Patty certainly did and to a much lesser degree I did as well, but what did they lose? They lost our love and generosity. They tried to turn my stepson's brother and sister against us and that failed, largely due to my daughter in law's nasty treatment towards them which they are aware of and now my stepson feels totally alienated from his whole family. He has no one left there for him in his family due to his wife's actions.

In the future when it is time for me and Patty to leave this earth, they will not benefit from what we could have left them, nor will their children be helped to go to college or get their own start in life as we are not allowed to have anything to do with our grandchildren. In the end, they will have been hurt more by their own bigotry and hatred than they ever hurt us when the inevitable hard times we all experience in life come along. This has to do with the time I have spent in prayer asking for my anger to be taken away and to forgive them, not for their sake, but so that I will have peace in my life. To be frank, it is a way to become indifferent to what they have done to us. I have found that engaging in that spiritual discipline always works, but it doesn't work immediately. But it has always worked for me.

On the Occasion of the Seventieth Anniversary of the Liberation of Auschwitz

On Tuesday January 27th, the world observed seventieth anniversary of the liberation of the Nazi German death camp Auschwitz in Poland by the American army. Approximately 300 Jewish survivors of this nightmarish extermination prison were able to attend on what to me was one of the saddest and most somber occasions in my memory.

The memory of the liberation of this death camp in the last days of World War II is quickly slipping from our consciousness as fewer and fewer survivors of the Holocaust survive to remind us. With their passing, the reality of man's inhumanity to man appears to have diminished as well as the world's resolve to never let such an atrocity to occur again.  Perhaps the world has never learned the lessons of such sadistic oppression and annihilation of a people based on race or religious beliefs or ones' identity. I base that statement on observing many genocides that have been perpetrated on races of people and various peoples of faith and identity all over the world that have occurred in my lifetime as the world community looks on and turns a blind eye.

Presently, we have seen a resurgence of antisemitism in Europe the Middle East, Africa and here in the United States. We see daily reports of terror attacks by Muslims on Jews and Christians in the name of Allah, both by organized military groups and by individuals all over the world. We live in a climate in which our President Obama is unwilling to name violent acts by Muslims for what they are: Islamic terrorism. Nor is Mr. Obama willing take any real effective action to end the violence and oppression of Jews, Christians, women and other minorities.

Whether this is due to a position of sympathy for Islamic perpetrators of violence or outright fear of naming and condemning the perpetrators of violence as Islamic extremism has yet to be determined. We may never know his true motivations for many years to come, as it is only the passage of time before history allows the truth to come to light about what is happening now. Will it be too late or will it ever happen at all?

There is a profound failure of the good people of the Islamic faith to confront the radical violent elements of their faith and take a stand against them. It is no different than the failure of the good people of Germany who would not take a stand against the violence perpetrated against Jews, Gays, Gypsies, and people with mental and developmental disabilities in the name of racial purification by the Nazis.

 It is no different than the good people of the America who turned a blind eye to the terrible and horrific violent oppression of Black Americans in America after the American Civil War was settled and the institution of the enslavement of Black people was ended, yet their institutionalized suffering, oppression and disenfranchisement continued through the late 1960's.

It is a failure that will end in more instances of genocide and the oppression of people of all races and faiths and identities. If allowed to continue, it will result in the same end for us that Nazi Germany came close to accomplishing against others who were not of the Aryan race.

While the American Left appears to be apologetic and quite tolerant towards Radical Islam, they ignore the threat to their own cherished values. They will not be spared as the rest of us will not be spared. Our President Obama seems to harbor an animus towards the Jewish people that is palpable and he seems to tacitly embrace the culture of violence and destruction towards all those who are different or believe differently than Radical Muslims do.

As a woman of transsexual experience, I am fearful of the policies of the White House. While the Obama administration has done more to promote the civil liberties and freedoms that I enjoy because of legislation he has enacted, the policies he pursues in the international arena will lead to the violent oppression of Jews, Christians, women, gays, lesbians, and transsexuals. Even their lives will be sacrificed simply for being who they are or for their religious beliefs.

The passage was written during the Jewish Holocaust by Pastor Martin Niemöller:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

It is as true today as when it was written. What will you do when they come for you because of your identity or your beliefs? Who will stand for you?

Sage Smith Continues to be Missing, Possible New Lead?

Over the past few years I have written about Sage Smith, a young transgendered woman of color who disappeared in Charlottesville, Virginia



about two years ago when she was on her way to meet someone she met online from Minnesota who came to see her in Charlottesville. She disappeared that day and the investigation by police, which included interviewing the man from Minnesota as a person of interest, went nowhere and the man quickly left the area.

At that time another woman, Morgan Harrington, a Virginia Tech student who came to Charlottesville to see a concert was abducted, sexually assaulted and murdered. Eventually DNA evidence tied her to another case in Fairfax, Virginia where a woman was sexually assaulted and the assailant was tied to DNA evidence to the same perpetrator.

Recently, a U.Va. student, Hannah Graham,  was abducted and was last seen in the company of Jesse Matthew, a Charlottesville man whose DNA has been matched with the DNA in the Fairfax, Virginia case and the Morgan Harrington case.



I would note that Mr. Matthew has not been convicted of anything, but after he was named as a person of interest and asked to come to the Charlottesville Police Department, he invoked his right not to incriminate himself, asked for legal representation and promptly fled Charlottesville only to be apprehended in Galveston, Texas.

Mr. Matthew has been alleged to have raped two other women, one at Liberty University and one at Christopher Newport University when he attended both of those schools.

My question is, Why is not Matthew being considered a suspect in the disappearance of Sage Smith? While her body has never been found, thereby making it impossible to easily establish a DNA link, I question if the police are investigating other possible avenues of evidence that might link him to her disappearance.

I continue to pray and hope for justice for Sage Smith and the peace that resolution of her disappearance and fate will bring the people who know and love Sage deserve.

Making the Secular Spiritual: How Golf Improves My Spiritual Condition

Another lesson that I learned from Thomas Moore in the workshop he presented in May in Birmingham, Alabama is that one can benefit in a spiritual way by taking a secular activity and turning it into a spiritual practice. I have done that when I mow my mother’s and my property. This is no quick and easy task. It takes about six hours each week to complete on a riding mower and I sometimes drag my feet a bit getting going on it. I always find that after I get going on it that I do enjoy being out in the sun and the hot summer weather. I enjoy the time spent in a solitary activity and I enjoy viewing the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains to the west. It is a time for mediation (even above the loud drone of the mower). I use the time for extended periods of prayer when I first give thanks for all the blessings I have been given in my life. I pray for people I love and those with who I have strained or broken relationships. I pray for healing for others and I pray for forgiveness so that I bear no anger and I pray to be forgiven by others. I pray for guidance that I live my life as a Godly and Christian woman, as this is my own personal faith. I pray for those who are gone who I have loved in my life. I pray that they experience peace in God’s arms. Sometimes I pray all these things quietly and sometimes I pray loudly, knowing that with the loud noise of the mower, my prayers remain private between me and my God.

I love watching the birds and seeing the deer and woodchucks, the occasional coyote, and the activity on the one acre lake that we have. One thinks of a small body of water like that as a place of peacefulness. Nothing could be further from the truth! If you spend much time studying this pond you see life and death struggles between the different creatures and over the seasons you observe the annual cycle of life and death as well over the long term. With spring comes renewal, rebirth and the genesis of new life and with late Autumn and the onset of winter comes death and rest. It is a reflection of the seasons of our life, which helps us find peace and acceptance as we also experience these different phases of our life.

This is one secular activity that has taken on great spiritual meaning for me, but I also want to share how I have taken the secular game of golf and made it into an important spiritual activity of my life. Perhaps you may think that there is no way that some sport can become a spiritual discipline, but I hope my explanation will help you to see how golf, or even something that can be quite tedious such as hours of mowing which I just explained can become something that leads to spiritual growth and a wellspring of pleasure in a spiritual discipline.

When I was in college, I took a course in golf as one of my physical education activities. Other than Putt Putt (miniature golf), I had never played the game. Miniature golf was a dating activity as a teen ager and it was fun, but it was nothing more than a vehicle to spend some enjoyable time with my date. It was my mother who strongly encouraged me to take the course and I did it from the enjoyment I got from playing miniature golf on my dates. My Mama loves Golf. Daddy played with her sometimes, but she was the one who really loved golf and got me to play. The most important lesson Coach Myers at Bridgewater College taught us and the one I took to heart was that you have to go out and enjoy whatever skill (or lack of skill) you had on any given day. I certainly took that to heart and golf has always been a fun activity. Perhaps that attitude did not encourage me to try to improve, but I can truly say that I have had fun playing golf on every single occasion, I have always enjoyed being with the people that I play with and never worry about how well or how poorly I play, and for the most part during that time I played poorly because I did not play often enough to gain any level of consistency in my game. I just  liked being out in the sun and fresh air with the friends I would play with. Because of that attitude, I never got frustrated because I didn’t play well and looked forward to the next time. I never worried about how my lack of skill appeared to others as I have never had any ego bound up in my game.

During college I would play sometimes in the summer and once in a long while with Mama or with someone else, but I took no serious interest in the game. When I lived in Alabama when I was in graduate school, one of my classmates who became one of my closest friends at that time and I would play on the University of Alabama course. It was fun, but I did not continue to play when we went our separate ways after we graduated. I did play now and again after that, but with no regularity.

Then I began to experience some problems with degenerative spinal disc disease and eventually had to have spinal surgery. It took about two years to heal completely from that and then a friend from long ago with who I went to college asked me to play with her and I fell in love with the game. That was three years ago.

Now she is quite a good golfer and I admire her skills. She has won a few championships at her club and sits on the Board of the Virginia State Ladies Gold Association and this year is also on the Board of the Virginia Golf Association. That she has been gracious enough to play with me is something that I appreciated, but she has rekindled my interest in the game and it has grown into a passion of mine.

Because of the attitude that my college course instructor instilled in me as well as the enjoyment I have rediscovered thanks to her, I have found a passion for the game. I have preserved a noncompetitive attitude towards the others I play with. I only play against myself. It matters nothing if I beat my partner, which now happens often enough that it is not the norm, but not a rare event either. Nor does it matter if my partner beats me by a large number of strokes. I’m out there to have fun with who I am with, share conversations about our daily lives, our joys and our sorrows.

After attending Thomas Moore’s workshop and reading a book he had written that Patty found and gave me just before the workshop, I have turned my game into a 3 to 4 hour very real and profound spiritual practice. The name of the book is The Guru of Golf.  I was fortunate enough to be able to have him autograph my book at the workshop! He mentioned wryly when I told him how much I enjoyed it that that book was probably his least successful book, but I found much value in it and I found in reading it that he finds as much pleasure in the game as I do.

What I learned and have applied in making golf a spiritual discipline began way before I read his book was to go out and enjoy the game despite my lack of talent or skill. No matter how well or badly I have played it never has bothered me and I have always had a good time.

The lessons that I have learned, taken to heart and have been able to apply since Thomas Moore’s workshop is to look at my play as a series of spiritual lessons that are a reflection of what is occurring in my life around the time I play. Simply put, my game of golf each time I play is a spiritual lesson on what is reflected in my life by the way I play. So because of that I welcome the poorly played shot as well as the well- played shot. I never wish the particular shot, good or bad, to be anything other than that which it is. Of course I truly enjoy a well- played shot, but I do not get upset over a stroke that lands me in a poor position. It is an opportunity to learn how to make a recovery from a bad situation and it is a lesson to not allow unhappy circumstance to unduly influence me negatively and lead to further worsening circumstances. It teaches grace and tolerance to misfortune. It is an opportunity to celebrate being able to overcome adversity. An example came in a recent game on a par 3 hole, which is a very short hole and should be able to be accomplished in 4 shots by an average golfer. My first shot landed me out of the fairway behind a mound of dirt about 4 feet high. The green was elevated above that and it is a near impossible shot for a less than average player such as me. But because I did not become disappointed or upset by my errant first shot, with my pitching wedge, I made a nice shot that went over that mound in front of me and landed on the green. I was able to make the 3^rd stroke on the green for a par on that hole. The only reason I made that play was because of the way I thought about the situation as I played. The same is true of real life. Sometimes we do things that make our lives difficult. The difficulty is entirely of our own making. How will we handle that? Will we continue in a negative manner and make the situation worse or will we accept our mistake and take responsibility for the situation as it is and correct our mistake with right thinking and doing the next right thing? I could have allowed myself to become frustrated and feel irritable about my poor initial play and taken six strokes to make what should have been made in four strokes. Instead I chose to concentrate on making a good shot and found a positive outcome.

Another example comes when I am not relaxed and become frustrated. I may miss the ball completely and become frustrated and miss a few more times before I make myself stop, relax for a few sessions and return to making a slow and graceful swing in connecting my club with the ball and then get to watch it take off a long way up the fairway towards the hole on the green. The spiritual lesson for me in daily life is to not allow myself to become frustrated and make the same mistake over and over again in handling the same common situation by trying to force a shot. I’ve learned to not force situations that frustrate me. This is a lesson that I usually have a repeat lesson in at least once in each game. That is a good thing because that can happen frequently in life. I’m learning to handle such situations with more grace when they occur and I am learning to move past these frustrations more quickly than in the past. I don’t expect to do it perfectly every time, I only expect to get better in dealing with this kind of life circumstance.

The last spiritual lesson, I am learning of late is what I call “too much club” or “too little club”. When I play golf, I find when I am playing a hole, that I am now more consistent in my shots that get me to the green and I am now mostly in a position where it isn’t out of the question of making par on a consistent basis, though it isn’t happening because of my short game. I’ll be 35 yards or less from the green and using the 8 or 9 irons, or the pitching wedge, either using too much power and over shooting the green or not using enough and falling way short of my goal.  It can happen that way in my life too, using too much force in situations that I may find threatening in some way or not addressing situations by taking half measures that do not resolve the situation with which I am faced.

Golf will continue to provide me spiritual lessons. I will strive to learn through my game the spiritual lessons l need to learn to live a happier life and be more in tune with life as it unfolds for me. I’m glad to have learned how to use something as secular as a game of golf is to improve my spiritual condition and find more peace in my life never wishing it to be other than what life gives me.

It is not important what my score is on any given day, but by approaching the game from this perspective, my game has improved about 20 strokes over three years ago. So what is my average score? That isn’t important. I don’t even have a clue what my handicap might be. If it were two strokes better than three years ago I would be as happy with that as I am today. If I never get any better than how I play now, I will be just as happy as if I hadn’t gotten any better. What is important is the peace and the joy I experience when I play by myself or with a friend.

Spirituality: Creating a Religion of One’s Own

I was privileged, as I had mentioned earlier, to have attended a workshop in Birmingham, Alabama recently on the topic of spirituality and psychotherapy. I believe that the path of being transsexual is a profoundly spiritual journey. To the degree that one develops their spiritual life on this journey reflects the enhancement and sense of wellbeing we experience throughout the decision to transition, the transition itself and the quality of life we lead after we transition. Many people assume that once the transition is complete, you have arrived at your journey, but I, like many others recognize the journey continues and we are faced with many challenges. Many of these challenges are the same one faces whether they have been through the transsexual experience or not, but there are still unique situations that will come along. Having a well-developed sense of spirituality will help you to not only weather the storms of life, but will also enhance the pleasure one finds in everyday life as well.

In this article, I would like to begin to share the concepts that Dr. Moore believes will help someone to develop a deeper spiritual life. This is the first installment in a series.

1.     Deepen your formal religion

Many of us have a background of having been raised in a church, synagogue, or Islamic place of worship. It is something that is ingrained in our being and affects us in many profound ways, both positive and in negative ways, depending on the orientation of our faith and in the way a particular denomination of our faith teaches us about God and how we need to behave within our faith. I was fortunate enough to have attended a Southern Baptist church during my adolescence that taught love and tolerance for each other. Other people have experienced and learned that their denomination or church were very legalistic and were condemning, particularly if they were gay or transsexual. 

In my adult life, I experienced this with a United Methodist pastor. Her condemnation led me to leave that church and find a home in the Episcopal Church where I am welcome and made to feel part of the church family. Having found a place where I can formally worship is very important to my spiritual life, though over the years, I have been an episodic attendee. I may attend for a year or so at a time and then find myself not being very active in formal worship. Most recently, I stopped attending due to the death of my father a year and a half ago. I simply did not have the energy to go during that time, which coincided with my work transition. Yet I find that I do better all the way around when I attend on a regular basis. Formal worship keeps you from neglecting your spiritual life. 

The most profound spiritual experience I ever had was when I visited a church my friend Marsha attends in New Jersey. It was the first opportunity I had ever had to stand before my God and worship as I am with others who accepted me as I am. It was also the first time I had ever taken communion as I am and I remember tears running down my cheeks during the whole service. It was something that had been missing and  much needed in my life to move forward on my journey as Lauren. 

2.     Get to know one or more other faith traditions. 

The idea of becoming more familiar with other faith traditions is one that is not often encouraged. Some of us who are more spiritually advanced than I are familiar not only with their own faith, but have deeply explored other faiths as well. 

I have explored Taoism to a certain degree and have read several translations of the Tao Te Ching (Book of Changes), written by Lao Tzu. From that I have learned to be still and allow events to unfold, not wishing them to be anything other than what it is. It teaches acceptance and to live harmoniously with nature and in your culture. These lessons I do not practice faithfully, but having explored this avenue of spirituality has made a positive impact on me at various times of my life.

I have been interested in learning more about Islam. I think because of the acts of terrorists who falsely claim their actions are due to teachings of Islam, as well as the poor treatment of women by Middle Eastern cultures who practice Islam, many westerners have a decidedly negative view of that faith. My opinion is that each of the monotheistic religions has leaders and followers who claim to follow their faith. They pervert the message to use it to spread hatred and condemnation of those who do not adhere to their version of their faith. Knowing that my faith tradition has such people and knowing the truth of my faith, I have felt some sense of the need to learn more about Islam rather than to reject it out of hand without real examination. So perhaps this is another faith that I will learn more about to harvest what it holds that can aid me in my spiritual journey.

3.     Explore secular sources of spiritual insight

When Dr. Moore began to talk about this, it puzzled me about how to go about doing that. One of many ways to do this is through service work. Become involved in activities that serve others who are less fortunate. By doing so, it takes you out of your usual life of thinking of yourself and your needs and puts you in the position of giving to others and being with people who are in service to others. This is particularly true when engaging in a service activity that allows one to interact with the people who are benefitting from your service work directly. The examples that first come to mind are participating in programs like Meals on Wheels, Special Olympics or volunteering at a nursing home or to read to children at the library. Participating in Big Brothers or Big Sisters is another example of secular activities that will deepen your spiritual life and there are countless others.

Pink Essence: Why I Chose to Discontinue My Membership

I was a member of Pink Essence for a number of years and I recently decided to discontinue my membership as did Patty.

There were many benefits that I got from being a member and my decision to end my membership in this community ultimately has to do with a decision that Chloe Prince made to open up Pink Essence access to the World Wide Web.

I have known about this decision for quite a long time and at times worried about what the personal implications for my private life might be. Then again, I have this blog which would throw into question why I might be so concerned about my privacy. After all, I have given a great number of workshops around the eastern U.S. over the past 5 years and I have documented my transition here as well as on Pink Essence.

However, when I decided to write my own blog, I made the decision to be more public. When Ms. Prince made the decision to open Pink Essence up to the internet at large she made a decision that has the potential to harm many people who are not prepared to be potentially discovered by family or employers or by friends. It is a difficult path that we walk and for those who are not ready to deal with being outed at a time when they are just coming to terms with themselves, this is potentially disastrous. When  one considers that we have a rate of over 40% of us who attempt suicide at some point in our lives due to the heavy price we pay for attempting to come to a place of peace with ourselves and the associated losses of families, friends and careers, among other things, perhaps Pink Essence is no longer a safe haven for those who are just coming to terms with themselves.

In my situation, family did discover my presence on Pink Essence and it did recently cost me and Patty some relationships that we held dear. I don't fault Pink Essence for my own losses, but I think someone not as far down the path as I am and who has not worked as hard at self acceptance as I have may not be as emotionally prepared to pay the price that Patty and I just paid by not ending my membership when I first became aware of the new policy opening up Pink Essence to the World Wide Web.

The value of Pink Essence is mostly for new people who are coming to terms with their gender identity. They are also the most vulnerable people on Pink Essence. Having made the decision to open up Pink Essence to the World Wide Web puts the most vulnerable of us at risk.

Unfortunately, I have seen a huge turnover in membership. This is most likely because many of us who have transitioned and accomplished what we set out to accomplish (a successful transition), have no need for what Pink Essence offers. Other people who have successfully transitioned stick around to offer advice on what worked and what didn't on our journey to becoming whole.

I believe that opening up Pink Essence is a huge disadvantage to those who have transitioned and want to live a private life, even if they wish to contribute in a positive way to the lives of others who feel lost and are trying to figure out how to be happy and live a fulfilled life.

It is also a huge disadvantage for those who need a safe and private place to discuss the often painful issues that we face on our way to finding peace and happiness.

I only wish Chloe Prince well, as well as future success. I hope that those who join Pink Essence find what they need on their journey, but I also hope people will be aware of the risks associated with membership on Pink Essence and make a wise decision if the benefits of membership will outweigh the risks involved.

To read an article I wrote about the benefits of belonging to social websites such as Pink Essence that I wrote earlier, please follow this link:

http://twoworldstranstherapist.blogspot.com/2012/08/in-praise-of-pink-essence-and-social.html

Transsexual Spirituality (Connecting Body, Mind, Soul and Spirit)

If you are on the path of being a transsexual, it is vital for your holistic sense of wellbeing to recognize that this is necessarily a spiritual journey and to the degree you can develop your spiritual life as you travel this road, you will feel more balanced and have a greater sense of wellbeing as you face the inevitable adversities along the way. It will allow you to become more thankful and have more gratitude for the kindnesses, often unexpected that are extended to you along the way as well on your individual journey.

Developing a rich spiritual life will help you to keep from becoming bitter when those who are supposed to love you and care about you unconditionally, fail to fulfill the love and support you have expected from them. It allows you to forgive them so you can move on and extend them grace if they should come to you and ask for forgiveness so that you will be able to once again have a loving and mutually supportive relationship with them.

If the ones who have hurt you never do attempt to make amends, then you will be able to move forward by creating new supportive and loving relationships with others rather than react by withdrawing from others and becoming bitter, isolating yourself from other caring people in the future who will come into your life.

Last week I attended a two day workshop in Birmingham, Alabama given by Thomas Moore, who has written a number of books on living a spiritual life. His best known book is probably The Care of the Soul and his most recent book on which the workshop was about is entitled Creating a Religion of One's Own. He is a former monk and lived a monastic life for 14 years. He and I both share the belief that psychotherapy is a spiritual practice and that we care for the soul of the patient who chooses to engage in psychotherapy. We believe that the emotional pain that one experiences and leads one to seek help is a spiritual affliction. Dr. Moore's workshop was entitled "Creating a Religion of One's Own".

This workshop had nothing to do with the topic of being transsexual and did not touch on the subject in any way, but there are profound ideas that I found to be very relevant to our spiritual development.

In the next series of articles I will be writing about his concepts and how they can help you live a more spiritually fulfilling life on the journey of living with a transsexual identity. To begin this series, I will leave you with this idea....

"We do not create or choose our lives, but we are destined to follow our paths. It is not predestined. It is about our experiences and what they lead to and it is about the meaning we find in them" - Thomas Moore

Tuscaloosa (It Sounded Like a Train.....)

Today we arrived in Tuscaloosa. It is very difficult to express what this place means to me as it holds a special place in my heart for so many reasons. It is my spiritual home. I found myself here after being lost for quite a while. It gave me a path to my spiritual identity because what I chose as my career path is a spiritual journey. I have much to say about that, especially after having spent an evening and a morning with Thomas Moore, but I cannot write about this at this at particular time, because of recent events in my life in Virginia and due to the experiences I had upon my return to a place that I dearly love after about 5 or 6 years.

Some of you may recall that in 2011 that an F4 tornado laid a major portion of Tuscaloosa to waste. I had not had the opportunity to revisit here until today.

Patty was not feeling well at all. She and I have been through quite an ordeal this past week and she was not up to going to see the University of Alabama baseball game against Florida as we had planned, but she encouraged me to go anyway. It felt really good to be out in the sun, even though we lost the game 4-3.

When I got back, she was not feeling any better and I went to the pharmacy to get her some medicine and then went to eat dinner at Buffalo Phil's, a hot wings place that I went to when I went to school here.

Before I went to eat, though, I decided to see what happened to where I lived and also to visit where I had buried a very beloved cat named Timothy, who came with me from Virginia and was killed by a dog. Patty and I had talked about going there together, but I had also told her I was sure that that tornado demolished where I had lived. She and I have visited that place together in the past several times. She has been such a loving supportive wife when we have gone together, though this is not a part of my life she experienced personally.

I had been through a tornado personally when I lived in that upstairs apartment and was terrified when it hit the neighborhood before my apartment, skipped over us, and destroyed the next neighborhood on the other side of us in 1991. Trite as it may seem, yes, it does sound just like a train. The Drive By Truckers have a song about that. What people like me don't mention is, that in fact, it sounds like you are lying between the crossties and it passes right over on top you. That is not an exaggeration. It scares the living wits out of you and you will never forget it. You just can't. Even though you wish with everything you can that you could forget it and wonder why you made it through and others didn't.

Though that particular event happened in the dead of the night and I had the sense of foreboding that made me keep the radio on loud that night, and I browbeat my ex-wife to get out of the bed and under the kitchen table. Perhaps it saved our lives, but we won't know that because it skipped directly over us then. It was a very close call and this last time, that whole neighborhood is gone. Thank God I was not there.

I decided that I needed to do this this evening and as I expected, where I had lived was gone without a trace. I was overcome with a sense of grief and took a few moments to collect myself. Though I was prepared intellectually for this for a very long time, in the face of such a massive confrontation that what of my past was no longer there was heart breaking, especially in view of all else I have lost in the last week. I wish I could say I enjoyed my dinner, and on some superficial level I did. The profound sense of loss was overwhelming and it took a few minutes to pull it together and go have dinner. I wish I could say I enjoyed eating at Buffalo Phil’s, a chicken wing place, that evening, but that wouldn’t be truthful.I was just too upset and it was all I could do to keep from crying.

The next day, I took Patty with me to see the destruction and support me in the sense of loss that I felt. I felt waves of grief when I saw what had happened again and knowing that it was only by God's grace that this had not happened to me the night I was living in that apartment. She suggested that I take home a brick from what was left and a piece of wood that was lying there in the ruins. I found the brick lying on the spot where I had lived along with a piece of wood that was weathered and twisted. It means nothing to no one else but it is a symbol of my life there in that spot which does not exist there anymore.

Still, I am glad to be here and have found a reawakening of my spiritual progression after having been feeling like my spiritual life has been on a plateau since my father died a year ago this past Christmastide. I have so much more to write about this and look forward to conveying my experience in spending an evening and a morning with Thomas Moore in Birmingham.

Sweet Home Alabama

Here I am with Patty in Birmingham, Alabama. We left for vacation on Wednesday morning and had a really nice drive down. Alabama is probably my most favorite place to be and I really do miss living in Tuscaloosa, where I went to graduate school at the University of Alabama School of Social Work, even after all these years. I haven't been to Alabama in about 5 years, I think.

The occasion of this trip is mixing business with pleasure. I am here with Patty to attend a workshop given by Thomas Moore, who writes of all things spiritual and is giving a workshop on finding spirituality in a secular world. It is an occasion to continue my education for maintaining my licensure as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker as well as visiting well loved places and enjoying things that I miss.

We are in Birmingham until Saturday and then move on to Tuscaloosa. Today we dined at a restaurant in downtown Birmingham called the MIX and enjoyed that. Then we went to the Birmingham Museum of Art where we were treated to some very fine collections of ancient Chinese, Japanese and Korean art from the times of antiquity. They also have a wonderful collection of Wedgewood china and porcelain.

After that, we returned to the room to rest a bit and then went on to Bessemer for dinner at the Bright Star. Anyone who is travelling through the area and is looking for a fine dining experience with down home hospitality should make it a point to visit the Bright Star for dinner.

Their specialty is southern cuisine with a Greek spin to it. We enjoyed fried green tomatoes with shrimp and salsa and a hollandaise sauce, shrimp and crab gumbo for appetizers and I had red snapper prepared in a greek style, a greek salad, shrimp and crab au gratin and eggplant.

One of the owners came by to visit and I told him that it had been a much overdue visit since the last time we had been to the Bright Star, about 10 years and that we had made it a point to come on our vacation. He was so touched that after we were done with our meal and had paid our tab, our waiter asked us to wait because the owner had something for us. He said that the owner had said that our comments touched him and had made his evening! We were served with coconut cream pie and their special peanut butter pie. It's the small kindnesses such as this which makes me miss it here so much. What a wonderful way to end our day!

Tomorrow, we plan to go visit the 16th Street Baptist Church, which was bombed in 1963, killing three little African American girls during the darkest time of racial hatred against African Americans in our country. It is my intention to go and pray for them and for bigotry and hatred to be driven from our society in what ever form it may take. We have come a long way, but we have so far to go as it takes so many forms against so many people for too many reasons, none of which can be tolerated.

After, that I hope we can have time to visit the Birmingham Zoo as they have a wonderful elephant exhibit and are one of the leaders in helping to find ways of preserving wild elephants in their natural habitat. We also hope to have time to go see the statue of Vulcan, the Roman god of Fire, who symbolizes Birmingham's history of manufacturing iron and steel.

Saturday afternoon, after the second half of the workshop, we head on to Tuscaloosa, where we plan to see a University of Alabama baseball game.

On Monday, I have an interview with the Dean of the School of Social Work to explore the possibility to return to teach there.

Of course there are some favorite places to see and places to eat, especially the Waysider for breakfast, Buffalo Phils for Buffalo Wings, and then the other two dining highlights, Dreamland who have the best BBQ ribs anywhere and the Cyprus Inn overlooking the Black Warrior River.

It should be a delightful time for us both!

Disowned, the Story Continues, Oddly Enough

Surprisingly, I find that my Daughter in Law is apparently aspiring to become my cyber stalker. For someone who made it clear to Patty a little over 24 hours ago that she wants nothing more to do with us, she was on the phone again bright and early at 8 am this morning to continue to harass Patty over what I had published here less than 8 hours before that about her uninvited verbal attack on us.

She told Patty that what I had written was a "pack of lies", but Patty who then read my blog after the phone call found nothing I had written to be untrue.

If I were dead to her and did not exist as she informed Patty yesterday, one would think she would have better things to do with her time than obsess over anything I might write about.

Perhaps it has something to do with her failed attempt to turn Patty's daughter against us. She seemed to have a need to call her to tell her all about this but my stepdaughter's response was that if her mother and I were happy together then it was no concern of hers.
Considering how she attacked my stepdaughter's husband two years ago, calling her was a rather pathetic move on her part. Her behavior is becoming rather laughable! Quite a change for Patty and me in less than 24 hours.

I thank God my prayers to Him asking him to bind her from harming Patty and me have been answered! Once again, it has been proven in a powerful way that God always answers prayer.

Patty and I were discussing these developments this evening after I came home. We began thinking about what she would do if one of her children came to her and told her that they were transsexual. Given that no one asks to be transsexual because of the hatred and disgust people like my daughter in law harbor towards us, we wondered if she would tell them they too were vile, disgusting and perverted as she thinks about me and about Patty whose only transgression is to love me? For my grandchildren's sake, I pray this does not come to pass. It is sad to know that so many transsexual young people are thrown away by their families like garbage. She seems to be someone who is capable of being that way in my opinion.

It also gives me pause to worry that as a health care provider, would her bigoted and hateful attitudes translate into abusive or neglectful care of a transsexual patient if someone like me would be unfortunate enough to be placed under her care. It is highly likely she will encounter a number of patients like me before her career is over and she retires. I know I would be fearful to have someone with her attitudes responsible for my care.

It is both my and Patty's wishes that she do what she said she would do last night; leave us alone and stop bothering us. Enough said.