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Saturday, October 20, 2012

The Way You Do the Things You Do!

I read a lively discussion earlier today that was inspired by a Blog Rachel King wrote (on Pink Essence) about not being a victim and doing what you need to do in order to be true to yourself.  Rachel is quite right; she taught me to have more courage despite my fear. I'm further along for what she taught me. I thank you for that gift, Rachel, even though sometimes it didn't feel like a gift. But it was. 

If you have made the decision to transition, it isn't about how you feel; it is about doing it or accomplishing it. I feel horrible at times. Who wouldn't sometimes during this journey? No matter if I'm sad, afraid, angry, anxious, or depressed. I still have to live my truth. It may take me longer to do it, but I still need to do it. Even when we are successful in our journey, we may not always feel good about some of the things we accomplish, but we can rationally understand that the step in question is progress, its own reward. We will come to be able to enjoy what we have accomplished sooner or later (Hopefully sooner or right then and there!!).  

I've been on HRT over 3.5 years by now and one would think that after all that time I would have resolved the work problem. If it had been only my own welfare alone to think about, I would have left there and found somewhere else to work. But I have someone else to consider who I need to provide health insurance for and that is what I choose to do.  

I finally have come up with the alternative plan so things have begun to move forward with being employed as me. Not any of this particular aspect of transitioning has been pleasurable. But when I identified the alternative way to get this accomplished, I now have an option to work professionally and the problem is on its way to being solved.  Being able to be comfortable about who I am as well as BE who I am with my old business partner, ensures that this part of the process will be solved successfullly. Then I guarantee that I will feel good about the accomplishment.  

It's just not all about me though. Patty and I discuss sometimes for her it seems like this is the "only thing" I focus on. I suspect that is the case at times, but I think it is pretty much the same for all of us at one stage or another. My professional writing and giving workshops means that I spend a lot of time reading and researching, teaching. Managing my own transition certainly takes a lot of time because I also try to balance her needs with my needs. She also, is transitioning and I want her transition with me to be successful. This has been not been without some painful experiences for both of us. I understand that though she's known since 6 weeks after we met about my gender identity, to have an intellectual knowledge of one's spouse gender identity is very different experientially for the spouse once transition formally begins. So no, she doesn't always feel happy about my transition, but she gets on with it and comes to feel at peace and able to accept the changes in the life we share together. I’m a person who doesn’t usually make rash decisions. So sometimes transitioning crawls at a snail’s pace. Still, I’ve found while sometimes it takes longer than it should to accomplish a task related to transitioning, I have fewer things explode in my face.  

In graduate school I learned that you can change how you feel by changing your behavior. Or, you may allow your emotional self to guide your behavior. The former leads to eventual inner peace and happiness. The latter is a prescription for disaster. Right acting and thinking will almost always result in emotional serenity and happiness.   

Personally, I've learned that the only difference between a loser and a winner is that the winner got up one more time than the loser. If you don't want to be a loser, you have to get back up on your hind legs after you fall on your derriere. That's all. We all know how hard this journey is; we have all been knocked down, and sometimes it takes a pause to figure out what just happened and to gather your wits. Other times we bounce back up right away. Just keep getting up and in the end, you will be where you need to be, no matter how long it takes to do it right.

In the therapy work that I receive, my therapist Dana helped me to understand that past issues of having been abused are not happening to me now and I need not hang on to the emotional pain of what happened to me. I’ve learned to let go of the past and live in the moment. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Be the best you that you can be!

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