I cannot imagine how the moment of completing my transition coincided with the passing of my father this past Friday evening. My father's final illness was progressing in an erratic manner and the timing of my transition at work had already been set in motion by my own decision.
At the same time, I'm coping with the death of my father, someone who never had the opportunity to meet his daughter to find out what a good person she was and learn about her life. I loved my father. He was by no means the perfect father and I was by no means a perfect child. He was the best father that he could be.
His last years since his initial illness were very difficult for me emotionally in the face of advancing vascular dementia and I feel very fortunate and blessed to seem to have a gift to understand things he was trying to express with great difficulty.
I was with him his last day until the time of his passing. He passed away peacefully and I was so grateful to have been there at the moment of passing, as he was present for mine. A cycle complete.
Four days from now all my coworkers will know about me and that I will be transitioning on the job. This has been so long in coming, but always where I wanted to be in my life. I still need a pinch to be so close to who I have been meant to be!
For years when I could not even consider the actual possibility of living an authentic life, these lyrics by Stevie Nix brought me deep spiritual comfort to my emotionally more vulnerable moments:
"So I'm back, to the velvet underground
Back to the floor, that I love
To a room with some lace and paper flowers
Back to the gypsy that I was
To the gypsy... that I was
And it all comes down to you
Well, you know that it does
And lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice
Oh, and it lights up the night
And you see your gypsy
You see your gypsy
To the gypsy that remains faces freedom with a little fear
I have no fear, I have only love......."
That's how I have seen myself most of my life and I think it remains the central truth of my life: facing freedom with a little bit of fear, but having no fear about my decision. Despite that, I feel more peace and calm, a new sense of self acceptance, and I feel very eager to complete this transition. It will go so much better than I worry about and I know this!
And it will all be ok one way or another. There are some painful losses along the way, but the people who reach out to you will be so gratifying and a little bit humbling that people will just love you the same, in either event.
So this is a bittersweet time for me, but a time of growth as well. My strong faith of my Archangel Michael and GOD being by my side have given me the strength to do all this with a sense of peace and acceptance mostly, with a few moments of letting down to grieve. I do know that life is going to get better very soon. I hope your life gets better too.....
"And it goes like it goes
Like a river that flows
And Time rolls right on by
And maybe what's good gets a little bit better
And maybe what's bad gets gone."
I have come to truly believing this and I have adopted it to tell myself when things are changing and they don't feel very good. I hope it will be something useful for you as well.
I did not write it and am not sure of the two gentlemen's names, but it was part of the theme song of the movie Norma Rae and was performed by Jennifer Warnes who has just a beautiful artist herself.