But Enough About Us, Sherri! How About You?

Well my dears, I've had a lot of things to talk about lately, but I haven't been sharing about what I'm doing and what's going on in my life. It's time to catch up!

It's been a rollercoaster in some ways, I have been involved more with my mother and father since my father's heart attack in the beginning of May. We were told that he likely would not live more than six months and more likely two months due to the extent of his decline over all from old age and the failing of several organ systems. He has been ill for years and never recovered from his heart valve replacement which resulted in vascular dementia due to having some strokes during the operation. Because of this, I  have been grieving him for years as I watched him decline and was quite prepared for this perhaps being his last illness. That has been a rollercoaster in that it appeared he was near the end and since then he has rallied, to all of our surprise and it appears possible that he may be able to return home in a month or so. That is where the emotional ride gets bumpy for me as I become more hopeful that he will get better and be more active when he comes home, rather than slide back into his decline. It seems that perhaps being in the nursing home rehabilitation unit has given him much better care than he was getting at home with Mom. I have been making comments to my mother about how well he is doing and that he should stay there until he has gotten the full benefit of his rehabilitation potential, or at least until I return from vacation in mid July. My mother is in significant denial of his health problems and particularly of his dementia. One of the big problems for someone with dementia is apathy and she see's this as his being petulant or wanting to be catered to, which is not the case. He simply has no volition to engage in anything active and the structure of the rehabilitation unit pushes him to be active. As a result, he is more active than I have seen him in the past year. He is appetite is much improved and he is beginning to walk again when he wouldn't move out of his chair at home. I hate to have to say this but I think both he and my mother will both live longer if he stays there permanently. They tend to feed off each other and they both seem highly anxious together. Mom seems to have benefitted with him being away and being under less stress. she is more relaxed and more pleasant.

All of this has taken my full attention and much of my energy.  I have to help Mom more with her home and visit with him, which I don't do enough because after a full day of doing therapy, I have little energy to visit during the week. I do a fairly good job of keeping healthy boundaries and taking care of myself. I do enjoy mowing, being out in the sun and this is my time to meditate, enjoy the sunshine, watch wild life and pray.

What is frustrating about this situation, is it has slowed down my coming out at work, which is the most major task left to accomplish before I can transition there. My therapist Dana, who has helped me so much with managing a lot  the coming out process. She suggests that I start applying for jobs as myself and if I get a job offer then I have a bargaining chip in case the hospital decides they no longer require my services. I think this makes sense. I would like to stay at the hospital, I've been there almost 11 years and have 14 to go so I can have a 25 year pension there. I would also not wish to lose my transsexual patients. I want to be able to continue to coordinate and build upon the comprehensive health program I developed. It would be a loss for me. But it would allow me to live as who I am in that aspect of my life. That is important to me. A lot of my friends will be frustrated to see me throw up a road block delaying my journey. I do have to think about Patty who is unable to work due to disability. I bring home a majority of the income and provide the health care insurance, so it is important to me that I take care of her as best I can. We have huge medical bills.

Of lesser concern is the ongoing and growing realization that there will be a low likelihood of any kind of stealth while I live in this area for a variety of reasons. Not long ago I was introduced to a retired therapist who knew me as a male and is good friends with my department head. That was very uncomfortable to me at the time and I am concerned that my work situation could turn into another coming out at a time and on a field not of my choosing.

Interestingly, (to me anyway) was the fact that last weekend my High School had a reunion of multiple classes with many people with who I went to school. I had absolutely no desire to attend. There are only three people I care to keep up with, three women from my class. The experience of high school was very painful to me as I suffered years of physical and emotional abuse there and no one intervened to stop it, though it was quite visible in such a small school. It has taken years of therapy to deal with it. Therapy helps; I have nowhere near the guilt, shame and anger that I carried for years, nor do I suffer to the extent I have with the severe depression I've had over the past five years.

I was quite interested in the idea of going to one of the events held in a restaurant as myself so I could watch the dynamics and not have them see me. Then I decided they weren't worth it. I would most likely become angry/ sad/ depressed over thinking about what happened to me, so it would serve no good purpose for me.

Looking at the pictures posted on Facebook from the reunion, it dawned on me that if I had gone, it could have been a disaster. It turns out that one of the people from school who was a year or two behind me also goes to my church and is a member of the Vestry (that is a Deacon, for those of us with a Southern Baptist heritage). He knows me now as Sherri and not as who I was. If I had gone, he likely would have recognized me from church and then I would again be in a situation of coming out at a time and a field not of my choosing again and I find that very wearing, as I have written about in the past here.

Soon I do intend to let my three women friends know about me soon and I expect that at that point it will work its way around the alumni of my High School, and that will be ok. The difference being that I told who I wanted to tell who matter to me and if at that point, the rest of them find out, I don't care really.

What I don't like about the situation is my lack of the right to privacy, which we refer to as stealth. I become more and more aware that stealth for me at my age and situation is mostly not going to be. So I have been readjusting my thinking about how important is stealth in my life. After all, even if people do know about who I was, is it really a problem if I am treated as a woman and people interact with me as the woman I am? Is it realistic for me to expect any more given my dual professional identity and my presence in the community I grew up? I think that the expectation of my having a lifw where no one knows of my male past is unrealistic. It sets me up for feeling bad about myself, rather than enjoying the life I should have taken responsibility to have made happen literally decades ago.

The obverse of that coin is that I can't afford to dwell on the "wasted" years. Really? Wasted? No, not really. I have accomplished a lot, both personally and professionally. Rather, it is much better to be living in the moment of now, which is a much happier time in my life and look towards the future in which I will be who I always was, but hid so well.

So what about the man at church I know who went to school with me all those years ago? I think it is time to tell him. That will be good thing, I'm sure.

Autogynophilia- Breaking It Down and What it Means to You

It has taken me awhile to think through the problem presented by the theory of "Autogynophilia". Instinctively, it felt wrong, but that is not part of consideration from an academic standpoint. A theory, has to have evidence to support it's existence and it must also be useful. After a long time reading about it, I do not think it exists for reasons I will discuss, but first we must understand what the actual theory says in detail.

From Wikipedia- "Ray Blanchard's transsexualism typology (also Blanchard autogynephilia theory (BAT) and Blanchard's taxonomy) is a psychological typology of male-to-female transsexualism created by Ray Blanchard  through the 1980s and 1990s, building on the work of his colleague, Kurt Freund. Blanchard divides male-to-female (MtF or M2F) transsexuals into two different groups: "homosexual transsexuals", who are attracted to men, and "non-homosexual transsexuals", who are "autogynephilic" (sexually aroused by the thought or image of themselves as a woman). The typology does not purport to identify the cause of transsexualism in natal males, but it has some implications for the cause—specifically, but it implies that the cause of transsexualism may not be the same for both groups."
It is true that the statistically significant majority of transsexuals do see themselves having sex as a woman and becoming aroused by it, and Blanchard got as far as identifying the phenomenon at least partially, given the limits of who he sees as experiencing the phenomonen. My opinion was that this was the only thing he did accomplish. He failed to observe the phenomenon completely.
There is a lot to digest there. This is a very controversial concept and I have felt that it was flawed for quite a long time, I just wasn't clear what the flaw in the concept was. To sum it up, Blanchard sees those who homosexual pre transition are thought to have a different etiology than heterosexual transsexuals who are pre transtion. His theory is that the homosexual group is better adjusted because of their homosexuality, while those oriented towards women are sexual deviants.
To understand the implication, we need to know what is the definition of a paraphilia. Merriam- Webster online dictionary defines Paraphilia "as a pattern of recurring sexually arousing mental imagery or behavior that involves unusual and especially socially unacceptable sexual practices (as sadism or pedophilia) have a paraphilia, and therefore have a mental illness and one that if true would be every bit as difficult to resolve as any other paraphilia. What Blanchard calls a paraphilia is the idea that a transsexual who is oriented towards women, is aroused by the thought of themself engaging in sexual activity as a woman. In order for this to be a paraphilia, it must rise to the standard of being considered a deviant thought or behavior. It is something that rises to the need for treatment and it is commonly not easily treated.

Here is where his theory breaks down. How could it be that a transsexual not find the prospect of being sexual in the right body arousing, whether that transsexual is oriented towards men, women, or both? Is not a genetic woman aroused by thinking of being sexual in her own correct body?
The answer is the same for each of these individuals. They are aroused by thinking of their bodies engaging in sexual activity. Therefore, this concept being defined as a paraphilia is a non starter. Some paraphilias are as relatively benign such as some fetishes, and can range to the very serious such as Sadism or Pedophilia.
The definition of a paraphilia does not include people who like to play with power in their intimate relationships unless one partner is significantly injured physically or psychologically as an ongoing aspect of this relationship.
I would also have you note that Blanchard's theory fails to address the phenomenon of the female to male transsexual. Because these people are not accounted for under Blanchard's theory, the theory is further weakened. His model only addresses the male to female transsexual.
Another problem with Blanchard is in asking how does his theory help or is useful in some way to the individual transsexual? It does not seem to help in any form and actually relegates a significant subpopulation of transsexuals to a pathological label that is not useful in any manner. It misinforms the public who will view transsexuals as sexually deviant as a result of this concept. There is no statistical evidence to suggest that within the population of transsexuals there are higher rates of having a paraphilia than the general public is prone to experience. Therefore it fails the test in describing something that is useful.
Perhaps the biggest confounding fact in Blanchard's theory is something that is quite well known and studied. It seems that transsexuals in all of Blanchard's typology find it is not uncommon to switch sexual orientation sometime three to five years into HRT. There are a number of transsexuals who lived and were heterosexual males who find they become heterosexual women. This applies for both types of male to females and less commonly so in female to male transsexuals. This is theorized to occur due to the brain that was primed prenatally by a crossgender hormonal wash of the developing brain,  which in turn maximizes the potential of activating these neural pathways with the induction of estrogen therapy. It allows this prewired biological potential to  maximize feminization of the brain. It works in the same manner for female to male transsexuals as well. The presence of testosterone after having had a prenatal wash of androgen will experience maximizing the masculinization of the brain too. This sexual orientation shift is most frequently observed after three or more years on HRT when and if it does occur.
What are your thoughts on autogynophobia? Anne Lawrence       has a different take on the concept of autogynophilia, while endorsing the concept. I'll look into bringing some information on her view and you can decide for yourself what your opinion is on autogynophobia.

Well Cyrsti, Since You Brought It Up.......

After my last blog, Cyrsti, wrote in her blog to say she would like to hear my thoughts on identities within the "Transgender community" and tensions that exist for the various identities included within that umbrella. It actually was my intention to turn some attention to that issue soon, so Cyrsti, once again you have been a bit of a muse for me. Thank You!



Sometimes, when I hear the umbrella term "Transgender" and "Transgender Spectrum" as opposed to"transgender" as in a shorthand way of referring to themself, I start hearing Michael Jackson and the All Stars sing "We are the worllllld, We are the childrennnnnn" I can't help it. My mind just works that way. Oops, too much information........

Though irreverent, it is not meant to be disrespectful of those who are invested in the transgender spectrum concept. Many people I know well and respect  both professionally and as friends are heavily invested in this model. Based on the state of the knowlege base, I'm not ready to agree that everyone under the Transgender spectrum concept have a milder or more severe version of my identit as distinctly female. On the other hand while I make my assertion that I believe transsexuals, preop, post op or no op have a fundamentally unique identity and lies within the gender binary,I have enough of a biomedical background that I can generally keep up with the arguements and research findings. I do, as a researcher myself, have an open mind that I could be wrong and am willing to listen and redecide if necessary. It's not an ego thing for me.
Lets take a moment and define what we are talking about. If I use these terms without placing them into the context I use them I would not be communicating very clearly. When I use the term Transgender Spectrum, I am defining this as a set of people who diverse in gender identity. This list includes but may not be all inclusive of:

Gender Queers: "People who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as one or more of the following: both man and woman (bigender, pangender); neither man nor woman (genderless, agender);

• moving between genders (genderfluid);
• third gender or other-gendered; includes those who do not place a name to their gender;
• having an overlap of, or blurred lines between, gender identity and sexual orientation"

-From Wikipedia.

Crossdressers may or may not be the same as transvestites depending who you speak with. There are individuals who identify as Sissies. There are people who identify as fetishists. There are drag kings and drag queens. Intersexed people are included also. This is an area of controversy for people who are intersexed as much as it is for transsexuals, They often contend they are not part of a transgender continuum.

One purpose the transgender continuum serves is to promote a unified theory of etiology from a biopsychosocial perspective. Essentially the concept is that the same thing causes it and it lies on a continuum of relative severity. I use this term because one end of a continuum has to be the most mild in existence and the other end of the continuum has to be the most extreme example of the phemonenon varience in gender identity.

The gender spectrum concept is used also as a sociopolitical mechanism to bring diverse groups of people together for political power. This group has been subsumed in the acronym of GLBTIQ. I have seen proposals to add HIV+ and illegal immigrants to this acrocnym over the past year. This is for the purpose of political gain for each member group by bringing together groups that have not much if anything in common. They are able to exert more political power in this manner, which can be a positive thing, but the social reality is that identities become blurred at the same time. This happens in collectivist movements. This where we begin to lose our diversity again.

It seems to me that a lot of people in the Transgender Continuum camp become upset if you are skeptical of the continum model. They do not agree that transsexuals such as myself and many I know, both male to female and female to male, do not buy into the continuum model of identity. People such as I clearly identify a clear gender identity that has not varied over most or nearly all of their lifetime. Their physical body is incongruent with their sense of being a man or a woman. I have always known I was a girl and then a woman. I have never felt that gender was something that I played with. I never thought of myself as partly male or partly female with alternating unified sense of identities. Some people do. I don't believe that they are the same as a transsexuals. I have never felt that I was genderless. There is nothing wrong with having an alternating identity, or being a cd or a tv or a dq/ dk, being genderless or any permutation of what we refer to as gender.

 The existing science sometimes suggests that there is some evidence to support the continuum theory.  However there is not enough to prove it and there seems to be evidence to the contrary as well.

Politically, I don't wish to be placed in a collective of people with little in common and in some instances nothing in common, depending on how many letters you want to throw in to your acronym. They may not represent my political views accurately and they may not be the same. It makes it even more difficult for the culture to understand us. The concept that we are all equal under the law is the very basis of the U.S. Constitution. We must recognize that the lack of mention of categories of people means that there can be no denying we all have the same rights in this country. The guarantee in real life is still something that remains to be realized. It is expedient politically to have this collective, but expedient decisions come with a price tag too. Consider this hypothetical conversation:

"So you are a transsexual. Uh, when did you know you were a sissy? Did you figure out you were
gay first or did you crossdress first?"

"Um actually, I'm not a sissy. I'm not gay either....."

"But you're GLBTIQ"....., and we're off to the races!
My issue is about my gender identity. It is not about my sexuality. I haven't the experience of conflict over my sexuality and I don't feel oppressed for my sexual orientation. I do not feel I have common ground with sissies, drag kings or queens, fetishists, and I do not feel that I am part of the gay community. It is true that all of these groups have been and are being deprived of our rights, but being included in this heterogenious group blurs my identity into things it is not.

Like minded transsexuals and intersexed people see each other as distinctly different but we respect that difference and it does not impose a heirarchy at one or the other's expense. Neither should the separateness of transsexual people from others who do support the continuum model. Transsexuals are not better or lower than any of these other identities, we are different. And that is ok. Everyone is entitled to their own identity.
One reason I do not think there are parellels between some identities and that of a male to female transsexual can be illustrated in the sissy identity. I am not a sissy. I am not less than (fill in the blank). I do not feel I  need to be humiliated or forced to be who I am. One cannot rape the willing, so to speak. I do not see how they are on the same continuum as I am. I've met several over the years at conferences. Very nice people. I was glad that they were able to be who they are.
In my experience, most CD's and TV's enjoy the experience of spending some time in the opposite gender identity for the experience for a variety of reasons, but they still retain a strong sense of the gender of birth.
These examples are not the experience of a person who never has identified with the gender assignment of birth, whose true desire is to live the life of their internal gender identity outwardly as well as inwardly. Whether it is feasible or not and whether they are able to make any progress in becoming congruent with their internal gender identity, they all have that internal sense of being the opposite gender of their body.
The problem that creates rifts in the gender community is that the transsexual experience is considered unique to transsexuals while, other identitied groups are threatened by the unwillingness of transsexuals to agree they are variants of the non transsexual members' "spectrum".

I do not attempt to say which is right or which is wrong. I merely wish to point out the disparities in identities and identity politics. Each must decide for themself.

Do the Gender Police Confront You?

Sheri Berenbaum led a thought-provoking discussion about the often-debated topic of gender differences. An inquisitive crowd kept Berenbaum on her toes as she answered questions concerning whether gender differences are innate or learned. Drawing on over 15 years of research on congenital gender disorders—and using props such as Legos and make-up kits to illustrate her points—Berenbaum challenged the audience to "think outside the box" about the mix of social and biological factors that make us male or female. Sheri can be found on the web and also at her University, Penn State.

The Gender Police have drawn hard lines on people of my experience. We have the extreme Right who would say our very existence is an abomination and we have the extreme left who insist that we must identify as some blend of gender that is neither wholly male or wholly female. I find one as constraining as the other.

I wonder where it came from that if we were free and perfectly healthy individuals that if we identify as women, we are not respected as women or if we identify as men, we are not respected as men. This is the problem of the extreme Right. We simply want to live our lives and be left alone to the right of privacy as any other American Citizen.

The other side of the equation exists from the extreme fringes of Feminism and is solely an extension of Womens' Studies professor Janice Raymond's ideology. Even today as she rewrote a foreward to her book The Transsexual Empire: The Making of the SheMale.  Even with her new forward, which is a rather shallow apology to transsexual women, she still sees us as victims of a patriarchy. She was unable to and continues to fail to recognize that we are woman who for many different reasons ended up at odds with our assigned gender. The majority of these do not involve obvious anatomical variations. For this reason being politically coerced into a continuum known as "Gender Spectrum" includes vastly different presentations because of vastly different etiologies, makes us pawns in a political struggle between Left and Right.

Interestingly, the most negative people about the realities of our lives both as individuals and in varying collectives include the extreme Right and the Extreme Left.

For one group, our very existence on the earth is anathamema. For the other group, our very right to a unified gender identity is sacriledge. I find both extremes both nullifying simultaneously.

At this time in our culture, very few who wish to fall under the umbrella  of transgender identify as gender queer. They have every right to that identity. It's not my identity. I do not consider them to have the same orientation of gender or have much in common with me other than a political desire to be left alone and become the best me I can be.

Similiarly people who feel a mix of their genders but have no burning urge to match their physical being to their identity, may be known as transgenders, crossdressers or by other labels that they define themselves by, have every right to be left alone and become the best people they can be.

Simply put, I am a woman. This is not a sociological statement, nor is it a political statement. It is who I am. There are more women who were correctly assigned at birth and individuals such as myself who were not, but sought to correct that error. I do not identify as a third gender or a fourth or a fifth. I'm just a woman.

This is a dual journey that I travel. I am the gender therapist and the gender patient, I bring my experience, professional and personal to the therapeutic alliance. All therapists do that. It is somewhat more unique for my patients as I am also someone who has been going through a legitimate process per the standards of care established by the World Professional Association of Transgender Health, a body of which I am proud to me a member.

As many of you know, I have been developing a comprehensive health care system for transgender people in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia. I have been instrumental in initiating the Speech and Language Department of my health care system to offer voice and communication therapy for transsexuals in order to be able to communicate in a gendered manner that is congruent with our identity.

In announcement to a health care online network, this program was rebuked with a harsh and in my opinion, unwarrented attack. The author of this attack who is a faculty member of a large institution of higher learning, stated that she found it highly offensive that such a program would state that the therapy offered would improve the ability to communicate in a more masculine or feminine style, depending on the preference of the patient. She stated that because of this, she would not wish to refer anyone there for voice therapy.

Personal disclaimer: I was involved in the initiative to develop these services, provided a number of training resources and linked them with other Speech and Language therapy professionals who are members of the World Professional Association of Transgender Health in their field who could be of further help in developing the program that we offer. In my opinion, they have developed a quality program that I myself have participated in and am so more than just comfortable in referring my patients who are interested in these types of services.

What I find to be most outrageous of this experience is the lack of forethought in the reckless condemnation of a service that person has no personal knowlege of, just a blind conviction of an ideology leading to  the same type of rigid results that the extreme right can be accused of (and rightfully so at times).

This is why I always say that I have found as much as bigotry, prejudice and hatred on the far right and the far left.

The issue at hand that I object to is that this person made a judgement that this person knows better for you than you do, therefore would not even grant you the opportunity to decide if this service would be helpful to you or not. Considering the philosophical orientation of this person, I find as much patriarchy in the Third Wave Feminist theory as they railed against in the Second Wave of Feminism. Each wants to control you, just to a different end, but neither will be the one of your own determination.

A pity, isn't it? I've seen absolutely no growth since Janice Raymond. 

Reflections On who Comes to My Blog

I'd like to take a moment to create a sense of community with the people who view this blog. I am always honored that people will take a little time to consider some idea I had and maybe post a comment. Some of the people who view my blog are dear friends and some are visitors I don't know from around the world.

I'm quite interested in the people who read this blog from cultures other than Western cultures. I have had visits from  Central and South America, Middle East, Africa, Asia and the Balkans, along with Eastern Europe and Russia. I often wonder about a very different culture that finds something that is of interest in what I write and how I can communicate better with them, both in asking them to comment and writing in a manner that is more clear. Sometimes I imagine when some of our North American and European visitors might be wondering what I'm talking about too! So, please tell me!

I also wonder about the experiences of our Middle East, Asian and African visitors who are transsexual or have a relationship of any kind with someone who is transsexual. I would love to learn about all of your experiences as well as other cultures represented by my visitors.

Meditations While Mowing- On Low Self Esteem

Today, once again, I contemplated playing golf. I have taken it up again a year and a few months since my cervical spinal fusion. I feel so much better and hadn't been able to do outside yard work for the last three years either. My friend "Janet" from college is an excellent golfer and on the state ladies' golf association board. She plays in tournaments around the state and I admire that she has continued to play at a competitive level after having become a recent survivor from breast cancer.



Girls, get your mammogram. Do it for the people you love even if you don't want to do it for yourself. It might be embarrasing the first time, but you will be treated respectfully and while it is uncomfortable, I can think of other medical tests that are less pleasant. If you are without insurance or have low income, your local health department and community hospital can help! For many, there are no costs involved.



One of the benefits of feeling better is being able to mow again. Mowing is something I have enjoyed in my adult life. Plenty of sunshine makes me feel wonderful! I also have time to think about a lot of things and it is a wonderful time to nourish my spiritual condition. This is a very important thing to do at this time in my life with many major changes in process. Being able to mow gives me time to be reflective and mindful of what needs to be done, not only for myself, but for others as well.


I am trying to be a good daughter as we go through my father's final illness. I'm learning many lessons about myself and about taking care of myself. One of the things I have been learning is to take much better care of myself. Today I was sore, decided I shouldn't play golf because of being sore, and I still had a lot of mowing to do. I have a lot to mow to begin with, and I have begun doing Mother and Dad's home so there is one less thing my mama has to worry about.

While I was out there mowing my Mother's huge yard, once again I had my "fingers forcibly pressed upon that firey braile alphabet (Tennessee Williams, Glass Menagarie)" and experienced a uniquely female experience that is uncomfortable. Too much bounce to the ounce.  I wasn't wearing a bra and I need to when I mow. I had my diamond ring on as I usually do but neglected to put it away because of being in a hurry to get their place done and finish up mine. It takes almost five and half hours to do it all.
As I mentioned this gives me plenty of time to meditate and contemplate things that I often don't have the time to think about otherwise. I'm soaking up the sunshine and thinking about things personal and things impersonal.  Sometimes it is a spiritual discipline and I think of the matters that are greater than myself. I spent some time on this today. I thought about those who need help and asked for help for them. I think about the many things I'm grateful for. I think about what I need to do and take responsibility for in order to improve my overall wellbeing.

I spent some time thinking about why so many of us in our community experience low self esteem. I think it develops as a result of our realization that we are different from others, even before we know what that difference is. So we are speaking of people at a very young age when this begins. We know we are different from other boys and girls and we intuitively recognize that most often being different equals bad, especially when the differences are pointed out frequently in something said by the ones important in our lives such as "Why can't you be more like.....??" If you hear that a lot, especially the younger you are, it's going to create feelings that you aren't ok to begin with and then soon after you discover what that difference is. You aren't like the other boys who you are supposed to be like, and you aren't like the other girls who you feel you are like. Quite the internal conflict for a very young person, isn't it?
After a while, it becomes more and more apparent to others and is pointed out to the young person. "You need to act like this because boys...... or don't do that, you are acting like a girl...." Generally, people in this situation are often physically and emotionally abused and sometimes even sexually abused. It creates very low self esteem if it is allowed to go on. It will have life long consequences for that person if it is not prevented from happening or stopped as soon  as it becomes known.

We know that people with low self esteem are much more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, substance abuse, poor academic and career performance, problems with forming positive and healthy relationships with others, poor self care and increased mortality rates due to suicide and accidents (because people who don't care about themselves aren't careful about their activities). Even when these people are relatively successful in various areas of their life such as career or a sport or with a good relationship, they often have difficulty in seeing themselves as being successful in these endeavors.

Low self esteem is often difficult to treat because it presents in so many different ways as I have pointed out. We professionals tend to treat the symptoms and often don't address the low self esteem that creates the problems. That happens because individuals with low self esteem frequently are unable to identify why they have low self esteem. They know they have it, they need help identifying the lies that were told to them about themselves as well as the ones they told themselves and bought in to so much  that it has become their reality and their "truth" about themselves.



The hard part is being vigilent in identifying these negative beliefs and especially being comitted to replace the self deception with more objective and healthy beliefs about oneself. Yes, we all have things we do poorly, never did well at, and most likely never will. And, that's ok. We have to be objective enough to be ok with that. For example, I will never get to be a medical doctor because of my inability to be able to perform math well enough to have that career, but I have a wonderful career as a therapist, I have been able to help untold numbers of people directly and indirectly. I know I have saved peoples' lives. It's been a very satisfying career for me. I don't dwell on the failure of not becoming a doctor. I am also a very caring person and I go out of my way to help others if at all possible.

The failure is in not also recognizing that we are amazing women in other ways than what we are not good at and being able to celebrate ourselves for those wonderful things that make us good people. Its our responsibility to recognize these wonderful things and to take joy in these qualities. We need to recognize there is nothing wrong with being a transsexual. That took me awhile until I took the responsibility to change how I felt about myself. How about you?

Losing Male Privilege

As I come closer to completing my transition, I have learned what male privilege is by becoming more aware of no longer benefitting from male privilege as time goes by. This topic is much like male privilege itself; easy to enjoy if you have it and like an onion that you peel as you come to understand it in the context of what is lost.

It isn't the easiest thing to define. You know it when you experience it and you know it when you experience its loss. Of course when you lose male privilege in transitioning, you also learn about female privilege. Its a trade off and each has its benefits and its costs. Female privilege is a discussion for another time.

When you have male privilege, you don't worry where you park at night. You park wherever you want where you can find a parking place. Not anymore for me; now it is important to park as close to the door as possible when out shopping at night, and you are looking for a place under the parking lot light as well. It feels even safer if you have someone to escort you to your car and be sure you are safe when leaving. When you leave the restaurant or mall, you are sure to have your keys in your hand when you walk to your car, and you look under your car from a distance to be sure no one is under it. You look at the floor of your back seat to be sure no one has broken in. That is something you need to learn, it's part of being safe when you are a woman. We just learn it a lot later because we didn't grow up without male privilege. Most women are aware of and have developed strategies to cope with male privilege when they were young girls. It was a life long lesson. Becoming aware that you don't have that privilege can be most surprising when you notice it. I appreciate that Dana, my therapist took the time to spend teaching me about being safe as a woman in our world when I first began traveling to give workshops around the country.

Another aspect of male privilege is in the difference about how men and women are expected to handle conflict. Men can be confrontive and do not expect to be subjected to poor treatment in their interactions with others when they perceive that they are not being treated fairly. Now I am learning to be mild in expressing dissatisfaction with how I am treated and to attempt resolve a dispute in a gentle and conciliatory manner. This was pointed out to me very directly by two women I know after a conflict with another health care provider over HIS inconveniencing me at my job over not keeping to his scheduling.

I have noticed that when in conversation with a group of men, my opinion or that of another woman presen, is frequently asked as an afterthought, if at all, and usually I dont venture an opinion unless asked. I had to work on that one!
I don't see some grand plan to keep a woman in a one down position by the patriarchy in all of these examples. Many of these culturally oriented differences in privilege have developed, right or wrong, due to things we tend to be better at for a host of reasons. Some of these differences are archaic, some are based on biological differences, some are based on the biological differences in our dispositions as a man or a woman and some are derived from social roles. I appreciate a man who will offer to help me carry heavy objects and offer to to make sure I get to my car safely. I like it when a door is opened for me too. I think it's ok to ask for help.

These are some of the observations I have had since transitioning. Have you experiences with the loss of male privilege you would like to share?

Further Along the Long and Winding Road

                                                                                       

 Recently, I have had a few unfortunate personal circumstances and these have been needing my full attention.  As a result, I have not posted as frequently in the last few months. I have two other articles I have been working on for this blog. I also have not been working on a text for clinicians that I am writing. It's about providing care for transgender patients from the perspective of a transsexual who is also a well seasoned psychotherapist.

That is ok, it will get done in the future and it won't disappear. I have too many things happening to worry about things that will take care of themselves. I do have a strong desire to continue these projects.

I spoke to my own therapist today and we mainly spoke about the present unhappy circumstance. That's an external issue. I also have had my desire to speak to my supervisor put on the back burner because of the last three months of what has been going on. Today I had a very unusual conversation with two of my female coworkers who included me as another woman and not as a male. It could not have been as a female teasing a male. It was a simple female to female conversation about a subject of feminine interest. I simply answered honestly and felt quite comfortable.

However, this does seem to make informing my supervisor imperative considering another development. I had a second encounter with another professional in my field who knows my male presentation professionally. I reintroduced myself (for the very first time) as my female true self. It was evident that he recognized me. Turns out he calls my supervisor from time to time as they are friends. I would rather be able to present this information to her first.

In any event, I'm feeling close to being ready and when I feel the time is right I will set up that appointment. I do want to process it a bit with my therapist and have wanted to for about 8 weeks, these things keep getting in the way darn it!

Hopefully I will get a chance to talk to my therapist to fine tune my game plan next week and the nest couple sessions and then go forward with speaking with my supervisor. She is a fair minded person and has always been my best supporter of transgender care at the hospital. I'm very proud of my front office staff coworkers (two of who were having that conversation with me today). They are always especially kind to my transgender patients, NEVER make mistakes with names and NEVER mix up the pronouns. How cool is that?!

In any event, I am close to the tipping point with my employer and feel ready. Just please please please let me get through the external tough things going on, so I can get this accomplished

The New EEO Transgender Inclusive Policy

                                                                                    

On April 20th 2012, the United States Federal Equal Employment Opportunity Commission found that in title VII of the 1964 act should be interpreted to include transsexuals and transgendered people. This is a tremendous advancement for us, though there is still a long way to go in our long hard road to equal standing in our society. It does not automatically grant us equal protections in the private or state government workplace.

This policy means that federal employers (the government) may not discriminate against transsexuals in employment situations. There is a question that has arisen whether Federal EEOC policy applies to those who are contractors with the government and require them to comply with EEO standards with regard to gender orientation because they receive federal funding. The most responsible sources I have talked to have informed me that this is the case.

This is not the law of the land today. Many of us will mistakenly believe and continue to feel that this applies to every employment situation. I wish it were true. In order for that to come about, most states' judicial system will have to visit the issue through litigation, which may become a lengthy process if appeals have to reach each state's Supreme Court.

However this is the first major milestone in affording us equal rights and could be what is needed to compel Congress to pass ENDA. It is important to understand that it was the Democrat party that obstructed the passage of ENDA. It was passed in committee, and sent for final markup. The Democrat chair of the committee, did not move the bill forward and it expired in his possession. Not that I believe it would have moved forward under Republican leadership either. We simply must be aware that one's political allegiance is no guarantee of advancing our rights, though it is the Democrat party that has helped us the most. Still we do have allies in the Republican camp and it does not serve us well to blindly endorse one party or the other. We need to learn about each member of the House and the Senate and determine who will help us advance our quest for civil rights.

Virginia makes it easier to "Let Mama Drive" (from Trailer Bride's song of the same name)

On April 24th 2012 a new regulation to protect our freedoms as transsexuals went into effect. The Commonwealth of Virginia has simplified  the process of getting your gender marker changed on your drivers license to reflect your gender identity. In a landmark policy change, the Commonweath of Virginia has amended it's regulation so that an individual may have their gender marker changed to reflect one's gender identity without regard to a time frame when one anticipates having a surgical procedure. Indeed, one may not even be on Hormonal Reassigment chemotherapy to qualify to have her gender marker changed. Prior to the enactment of the new regulation, one had to be within 18 months of a planned surgery.
This new regulation has untold value for us and is such a leap forward for the Commonwealth of Virginia in becoming one of the states with cutting edge policy in protecting Transsexuals' rights on Aril 24th 2012. It is a powerful tool to ensure our rights are protected just as anyone else enjoys as a citizen of the Commonweath. It opens up a tremendous number of opportunities for us if we are
willing to experience new challenges. No longer will be we subject  to discrimination for using the appropriate bathroom publicly. Your identification supports your use of the appropriate bathroom legally. It also is a passport to a new job or career, or simply going back to school.

Here is the release that I got yesterday from the Virginia Trans Health Initiative, another agency of the Commonwealth. It has the link to get the Commonwealth of Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles to obtain the proper form.

"Virginia embraces a SIMPLE mechanism for changing one’s gender marker on a driver’s license. As of April 25, 2012, the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) implemented a new, and much simpler, policy for changing one’s gender marker on a VA driver’s license.  Individuals can now use the Gender Change Request form, known as DL-17, which requires only a signature from a licensed provider, including a doctor, psychiatrist, nurse practitioner, social worker, or counselor attesting to the fact that the applicant is a patient of the provider and that the applicant’s “gender identity” is either female or male and “can reasonably be expected to continue as such for the foreseeable future.”  The form does not require proof of surgery or even proof that the applicant is engaged in hormone therapy.  Link to form:  http://www.dmv.state.va.us/webdoc/pdf/dl17.pdf 

Until now, the VA DMV policy required proof of sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) evidenced by a letter from a surgeon or a court order recognizing a gender change.  In most states, such a court order depends on proof of SRS.  This requirement made it very difficult for many individuals to obtain a VA identification card accurately reflecting their gender."

We are living in a time where we women of transsexual experience are being allowed to take our place in society on an equal level. It is early, things are not perfect, but we should also rejoice in the progress as we gather ourselves to identify the next significant human rights advance to be confronted.

HAPPY MOTORING!!