Where are our Transgender Amish, Mennonite, Brethren, Hutterite Brothers and Sisters?

Recently I have been watching some of the episodes of Breaking Amish. I have an interest in their culture because they have a very similar background to the Old Order Mennonites who live in my area and live much the same as the Amish do. I also went to an undergraduate Church of the Brethren college and some of the students were Mennonites and what was considered "Old Order Brethren" My own faith grew in another denomination rooted in Anabaptism, Southern Baptist. Having grown up in a rural environment, I found all of these denominations interesting and their way of life attractive to me in some respects. I like the simplicity of the way they live, though I am much too spoiled by modern conveniences to want to adopt the lifestyle of the Mennonites and Amish. On a few occasions, I had the privilege to provide therapy to Old Order Mennonites who shared what it is like to live in their culture and I was appreciative of the opportunity to learn more about some of these folks in a way that is inaccessible to other people to get to know them.

In 1995 there was another similar show called Amish in the City. Both of these shows focused on Amish young adults leaving their community and finding out about a world and a life that is totally foreign to them. For some of these individuals, they are seeking to satisfy themselves that they want to live the traditional lives that they grew up in and for some of them, this is the beginning of a new life that is totally foreign to them and means leaving everything  including their families behind. It is not a decision made lightly or without consequence.

Having grown up being mindful of my Anabaptist neighbors, I began to wonder if there were transsexual Amish and Mennonites. I know they must exist; after all, we are not rare people, but uncommon and highly secretive. I can only imagine how lonely and terrifying it must be to know your gender identity is in odds with your body in such a closed society since it was so difficult for me growing up in a more open yet unaccepting mainstream American culture.

From time to time I would think about these folks and wonder what it is like for them, but I have never been able to learn anything about their existence and what they go through in their own quest for an authentic life. Do they live out their lives in quiet desperation, as many of us have? Or do they find some acceptance in their closed community. Somehow I do not think that is possible and that they must leave and be shunned for life if their true identity becomes known in these most conservative faith communities.

In my last effort to learn about the lives of our Anabaptist brothers and sisters, I came across the blog of an Amish gay man, Joseph Stalnaker. I was interested in his website and took the opportunity to contact him and ask if he knew about any transsexual Amish or Menonnites. He did not and hopes that they will reach out to him. He writes about issues related to our spirituality and the struggles of GLBT people who live in these closed religious communities. I found his blog to be really interesting and I would encourage those of you interested in spiritual matters to take a look and read some of his very thoughtful and informative articles. Here is the link to his blog: http://derreggebogefriendschaft.blogspot.com/

The Way You Do the Things You Do!

I read a lively discussion earlier today that was inspired by a Blog Rachel King wrote (on Pink Essence) about not being a victim and doing what you need to do in order to be true to yourself.  Rachel is quite right; she taught me to have more courage despite my fear. I'm further along for what she taught me. I thank you for that gift, Rachel, even though sometimes it didn't feel like a gift. But it was. 

If you have made the decision to transition, it isn't about how you feel; it is about doing it or accomplishing it. I feel horrible at times. Who wouldn't sometimes during this journey? No matter if I'm sad, afraid, angry, anxious, or depressed. I still have to live my truth. It may take me longer to do it, but I still need to do it. Even when we are successful in our journey, we may not always feel good about some of the things we accomplish, but we can rationally understand that the step in question is progress, its own reward. We will come to be able to enjoy what we have accomplished sooner or later (Hopefully sooner or right then and there!!).  

I've been on HRT over 3.5 years by now and one would think that after all that time I would have resolved the work problem. If it had been only my own welfare alone to think about, I would have left there and found somewhere else to work. But I have someone else to consider who I need to provide health insurance for and that is what I choose to do.  

I finally have come up with the alternative plan so things have begun to move forward with being employed as me. Not any of this particular aspect of transitioning has been pleasurable. But when I identified the alternative way to get this accomplished, I now have an option to work professionally and the problem is on its way to being solved.  Being able to be comfortable about who I am as well as BE who I am with my old business partner, ensures that this part of the process will be solved successfullly. Then I guarantee that I will feel good about the accomplishment.  

It's just not all about me though. Patty and I discuss sometimes for her it seems like this is the "only thing" I focus on. I suspect that is the case at times, but I think it is pretty much the same for all of us at one stage or another. My professional writing and giving workshops means that I spend a lot of time reading and researching, teaching. Managing my own transition certainly takes a lot of time because I also try to balance her needs with my needs. She also, is transitioning and I want her transition with me to be successful. This has been not been without some painful experiences for both of us. I understand that though she's known since 6 weeks after we met about my gender identity, to have an intellectual knowledge of one's spouse gender identity is very different experientially for the spouse once transition formally begins. So no, she doesn't always feel happy about my transition, but she gets on with it and comes to feel at peace and able to accept the changes in the life we share together. I’m a person who doesn’t usually make rash decisions. So sometimes transitioning crawls at a snail’s pace. Still, I’ve found while sometimes it takes longer than it should to accomplish a task related to transitioning, I have fewer things explode in my face.  

In graduate school I learned that you can change how you feel by changing your behavior. Or, you may allow your emotional self to guide your behavior. The former leads to eventual inner peace and happiness. The latter is a prescription for disaster. Right acting and thinking will almost always result in emotional serenity and happiness.   

Personally, I've learned that the only difference between a loser and a winner is that the winner got up one more time than the loser. If you don't want to be a loser, you have to get back up on your hind legs after you fall on your derriere. That's all. We all know how hard this journey is; we have all been knocked down, and sometimes it takes a pause to figure out what just happened and to gather your wits. Other times we bounce back up right away. Just keep getting up and in the end, you will be where you need to be, no matter how long it takes to do it right.


In the therapy work that I receive, my therapist Dana helped me to understand that past issues of having been abused are not happening to me now and I need not hang on to the emotional pain of what happened to me. I’ve learned to let go of the past and live in the moment. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Be the best you that you can be!

10,000 views as of today! thank you for reading my blog!

I want to thank everyone who has read this blog as well as particpated with your comments. I never dreamed that I would average over 200 views a week around the world from all the continents. I have gained a lot of pleasure knowing that my blog is being followed not only by a North American audience, but also by western and eastern Europe, a vast expanse of Asia, South America, Africa and Australia as well as the sub continent of India. It has transcended, various religions of the world. Some of the religions of the continents represented besides my own Christian faith include Islam, Hinduism, Judiasm, Buddism, and other spiritual beliefs that I am not aware of as well as those who are Agnostic or Atheists. I am glad all of you have been reading my  blog and I would hope that if you feel free from persecution, to please comment on the articles that I write. We will all learn more about the world and each other if you feel free and welcome to comment here.

I have so much to learn about what it means to be a transsexual in each of your countries and I hope in the next year that I will see more diversity of opinions from various cultures. It is as much about your comments as what I choose to write about or disclose about myself that makes this forum useful.

Again, thank you so much, I am humbled that so many of you find value in what I write!
Sherri Lynne Tancyus

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Forum!

When someone posts a comment to my blog site, I get an email notifying me that the comment was posted. I have had a policy of open posting on my blog since its inception and appreciated dissenting posts as much as those who agree with my position on the matters that I choose to write about. 

Last week I wrote about a close friend’s announcement of her divorce. I was quite surprised Tuesday to find an ad homonym attack on me based on where I am in the process of transitioning and whether I “conflated” changing secondary sexual characteristics, specifically my “genitals” with changing my “gender presentation”.  This person also hid behind the cloak of anonymity which is usually the way people with a malignant agenda make these remarks. They lack the courage of their conviction to list their name or email address. I replied that I found the inquiry to be crude and because it was intrusive to my privacy. I stated that I would not answer this verbal assault. I was quite taken aback by the inappropriateness of the comment on this particular article more than the insinuated challenge of my integrity. I wasn’t particularly surprised that someone would make such a comment. I’ve experienced people like that before. Generally, they tend to be angry people and are bitter.

I discussed this comment with my niece Allie. She advised me that I needed to set my blog to moderate comments and I took this advice. I don't like having to do it as I appreciate the exchange of ideas openly. After all, I do believe in the principle of free speech. That is one of the principles that the internet was said to founded on and it is the cornerstone of Democracy. However, free speech does not extend to personal attacks in my opinion.

On the next evening I got another post to my blog from this anonymous person, this time moderated and not allowed to post without  my review and approval. Anonymous asked why was I "unable to or unwilling" to answer the original question and further challenged my “inability and hence refusal” to answer. Anonymous further escalated the attack by challenging my professional integrity. After all, “In light of my representation as a therapist a bit of candor would be in order… is not trust the cornerstone of your alleged profession?”

At this point, Anonymous no longer had a public forum for this intrusion. I chose to respond to this person off the blog. I stated that Anonymous and I do not have a therapeutic relationship, therefore this line of questioning is moot. A patient of mine asking the question where I stand in my transition is due an answer, provided it is in a context that benefits the patient therapeutically, but an anonymous person does not enjoy the privileges due between patient and therapist.

Then I asked Anonymous some questions of my own: Because Anonymous wishes to intrude upon my privacy and it is my personal decision as to what I choose to disclose about myself and what I deem personal and not open for discussion with my readers, I queried Anonymous about this person’s need to hide behind the cloak of anonymity to challenge me? Why does this person have a right to avoid revealing who they are or their email address while demanding me to answer extremely personal and intimate questions in a public forum?

I also made the observation that when an attack such as this is made, there is usually a hidden agenda. I asked if Anonymous would share that agenda openly with me so that we might discuss what it was. Hidden agendas originate from people who are passive- aggressive. They aren’t able to address conflict in a forthright manner, preferring to attack with innuendo.

I closed in responding by saying that I would be happy to discuss this with Anonymous politely and perhaps we could both learn something from this exchange, but I would not give Anonymous a public forum for this dialogue. Predictably, Anonymous chose not to respond in the last 24 hours. I doubt if I will hear from Anonymous again or learn this person’s identity.

I do have a fair idea as to the identity of this person based on their writing style and the ideological stance that was indirectly expressed, though I’m not absolutely sure who this person is. I have extensive experience in forensic mental health and I have profiled professionally for law enforcement. I am qualified as an expert witness in the judicial system at the Federal courts as well as the Upper and Lower courts of Alabama and Virginia, as well as the Juvenile and Domestic Relations courts.

 I would like to add that anyone who has followed this blog, attended my workshops, or has actually been a patient of mine pretty well knows the answer to the questions Anonymous asked. I am transitioning. It isn’t complete, though I have every intention to complete my transition as circumstances allow. No woman of transsexual experience enjoys being in transition. She feels even worse without the opportunity to transition, something that takes more than courage, it takes a lot of resources.

Those of us who are of transsexual experience generally do the best we can to become who we are if we have the opportunity. Some of are blessed with that opportunity and some of us will never have that chance for intrinsic and/ or extrinsic reasons. Those of us who transition, whether completely, or remain suspended in their transition to one degree or another, and those of us who never have the opportunity to transition because of whatever circumstance are no less than those who are blessed to complete their transition. None of us are less than women who were born and raised as girls and women either. The biological evidence mounts that this is not something we choose to do merely because of psychosocial reasons.

I Learned Some Very Sad News This Evening.....

I happened to check out my account on Pink Essence and learned some very sad news when I happened to look at the most recently posted blogs. I do this every now and then, once or twice a week. Tonight I learned that one of my dearest friends and sisters, "C" shared that her divorce was finalized today. Of course she was emotionally devastated, as any of us who have loved another person deeply and shared a majority of our lives in a marital relationship only to see it end, and not by our own desire or choosing.

 

"C" is such a loving and caring person, one cannot help but be drawn to her because of her sparkling personality. She is a deeply committed Christian, as I am, and the strength of her faith shines through her being, despite having lost so much in the exercise of her faith as well as seeking her own truth in Christ. In spite of the emotional pain of having lost so many relationships simply because she was born with a physical body that was not congruent with her spirit and soul, she has remained faithful and ministered to me at a particular dark point in my spiritual journey on a Sunday where I was able to attend her church with her. It was the first time in my life that I had the opportunity to worship as I am and by the grace of God, was also offered the sacrament of communion. I was so moved through the opportunity to come to worship and join in the mystery of becoming one with the body and blood of Christ that I had tears running down my face throughout the whole service and I then knew that I was acceptable as I am to the fellowship of Christians and to the God of my understanding. I felt truly blessed and healed of a great emotional pain. If it were not for "C" who accepted me as a sister and invited me to share her home, it might have been a long time for me to find a way back to a place in my own home area where I can be accepted and worship, without fear or shame, knowing I am perfectly acceptable to God as I am. I will never forget that first Sunday in June, a year ago from this past June.

“C” and I became acquainted on Pink Essence and I was drawn to her because of her open and friendly personality. I first had the opportunity to meet her at the Southern Comfort convention in Georgia in the fall of 2010, at the Keystone Convention in the early spring of 2011, again when she was a wonderful hostess when I gave another workshop at the Trans Philadelphia Health Conference in June of last year. As she lives in the North East, near some other dear sisters and nieces, I don’t get to see her very often, though I wish I could.

Those of us who share being a woman of transsexual experience are well acquainted to the pain of the loss of relationships with those we love the most and are intimately bonded with. It is such a common experience for us that it is a cliché and a stereotype of our life narrative. Sometimes this happens because we were not able to even accept ourselves and as a result we did not tell our spouses or partners. Other times, even though we have been honest and disclosed this most intimate and often emotionally painful part of who we are, having an identity that is contrary to the physical body in which we live since birth, is too much for even the most loving and deeply committed relationships to survive. It is probably the thing each of us fears the most as a consequence of living an honest life of integrity, even more than even losing our relationships with parents, siblings and other loved ones.

Tonight I grieve for “C’s” loss as I know she is heartbroken. I also live with the fear as many of us do, that even as strong as our marriage is, that there may come a point where Patty is no longer able to cope with that of which I ask in our relationship. It isn’t something that any one of us would wish on our worst enemy to have an identity in conflict with our biological bodies, though I am no longer ashamed of the reality of who I am. But it is sometimes too much to ask of a spouse even when they love us with all their heart.

“C”, please know that you are so in my thoughts and prayers and please know that though we live quite a ways away from each other, that I am here for you and I do care deeply about your pain.

I love you, dear sister.

Sherri

Do It Yourself Hormones: Is this a good idea?

I had a nice discussion with a lovely woman from Florida who came to my workshop at Southern Comfort two weeks ago. She had been on do it yourself hormones for awhile, stopped taking them and went back on them, but after she heard my comments, she changed her mind and was going to look into getting prescriptions and medical monitoring of her hormones.

I am someone who is not an advocate of doing it yourself, also sometimes known as D-I-Y. But I am also someone who has tried do it yourself, albeit a long time ago and it was only for about 3 or 4 months. I hope that this article will help people to reconsider the D-I-Y route and seek medical supervision.

My personal adventure with D-I-Y does not contain a horror story and I am not going to paint dire pictures of certain doom, illness or death, but there are potentially serious health complication that the D-I-Y person should be aware of and at least take some reasonable steps to minimize the potential for harm that exists with D-I-Y.

I have said before and I will say again, hormones are not playthings. Misuse of hormones can lead to heart, kidney and liver damage. They have the potential to raise blood pressure and cause heart attacks and strokes or fatal embolisms. Some people are not candidates for HRT because of other pre existing serious heart problems.

One of the most serious problems is that the pharmacies that one can obtain these hormones from do not require prescriptions. There is no guarantee that the drug you have purchased was manufactured with adequate standards to insure that the two milligram estradiol tablet actually contains 2 mg of estrogen. It may contain 2.5 mg or it might not even contain 1 full mg if estradiol. You just don't know what you are really getting. When you get a perscription filled, you are buying hormones that have been manufactured under rigorous standards and can feel safe that you are actually getting what you expect to be getting.

Many people who do it themselves ignore the need for regular blood testing every 6 months. This is important for many reasons. One reason is this is how physicians determine that your organs are not being negatively impacted by what you are taking. It confirms that you are getting proper amounts of hormones so that you can get the most benefit from taking them. You just might not be getting the serum levels of hormones up to where they should be in order to be most effective! It allows you to be aware of your cholesterol levels which can affect your heart and arteries and your liver. Adjustments can be made with other drugs, you don't necessarily have to cut back or eliminate HRT with this information if things aren't in balance.

One of the many reasons people don't go to their personal physician is because they continue to experience guilt and shame over experiencing gender dysphoria. That is something that occurs frequently and needs to be addressed, I've been there. I had literally had an old country doctor who was getting near retirement. My own guilt and shame at the time prevented me from going to him and telling him about myself. My solution was to ask my gynecologist to refer me to a female doctor as I'm not keen on having men seeing my body. So now I have a female primary care doctor who I can go to and talk to without feeling ashamed of myself. Whatever you have to do to get rid of the guilt and shame to have a health care provider you trust, please do it. You deserve nothing less than quality health care!

Another thing to consider is that you may be paying way over what you should for those black market hormones. Did you know that a prescription for 90 days of the maximum therapeutic dose of estradiol is $36.00 (U.S.) at Walmart, Kmart, Kroger or Martins for example of stores in my area? That's $12 dollars a month! That's dirt cheap. Most insurance companies' co pays would be higher than that. So isn't it worth dealing with your fears to find a competent practitioner you can trust? Then you know you are getting what you are supposed to be getting. How much is Spironolactone? $18.00 for 90 days at the recommended highest dose. Some of us take progesterone and there is some debate whether it is at all helpful or not in breast development. Generic progesterone is also inexpensive. My gynecologist prefers Prometrium because it is bioidentical to women's natural progesterone. It is expensive though. The maximum dose runs me a bit over $100.00 a month. In 6 more months I'll make a decision whether this is benefitting me or not in terms of breast development. If after 18 months on it and the results aren't that much, I'll likely discontinue it.

"Sherri, you don't get it, do you? I live in BFE (that is a remote place in Egypt). There is no doctor where I live who I can trust to go to or is willing  to prescribe HRT. I know this for a fact because I have called around."

Ok fair enough, not all health care professionals are as enlightened as I am or as enlightened as the ones who take care of me. I'll grant you that.

At least, go get your blood work done every six months, Please, please, PLEASE! get your liver and kidney functions tested and cholesterol too, even if you choose not to tell the doctor you are doing it on your own. We have a term for that. It's called HARM REDUCTION.

Speaking of harm reduction, being a member of WPATH, we strongly advocate harm reduction. What does that mean? It means that anyone who comes to see me on DIY hormones goes to the head of the class. I issue a letter of referral and give my patient the names of two, soon to be three doctors in my area who are willing to prescribe HRT for trans people. I give this letter on the second visit.  Harm reduction is the overriding principle and it is a principle supported by the WPATH standards of care. I want my patients to be safe!

Please consider these thoughts when you decide whether you decide to go see a doctor or do it yourself. You only get one shot at HRT and it has to be done right so that all we have to endure pays off on our journey to be who we truly are! What good is it, if one ruins her health on the journey?

I'm Back From Southern Comfort Conference: Reflections and Observations

I'm home again from the Southern Comfort Conference. Well, actually I came home a week ago last week on Sunday. I was quite tired, had to work the next day and I've gone to bed fairly early each night until last night night when the Gods of Football television decreed that the University of Alabama begin their game at 9:15 P.M. local time, so I find myself tired again this morning and did not participate in my intentional community's service. Perhaps I will get back on track with that next week. I hope so, as I always feel better for having attended.

As always, I truly enjoyed my time at the conference. The Crowne Plaza Ravinia in the Perimeter area of Atlanta is simply a gorgeous venue and conveniently located across from a very nice mall and several very fine restaurants. Other shopping is convenient as well in the area and you won't get lost.

My workshop was well received and I'm always both flattered and humbled that people enjoy my presentation and I always give an historical context for the present state of the WPATH standards of care, as well as what the standards actually do state. There is a lot of myth about the standards of care that continues to abound. It confuses both people who are wanting to approach a transition and be healthy, and puts so many people off who resort to illegal sources to obtain hormones for a number of reasons. I'll be writing more on this topic next time.

Chloe Prince had a reception for Pink Essence members which was well attended and very lovely. She announced that she is launching a new web enterprise called TrueEssence.org. It's purpose is to be a one stop website to help people find the various resources we all need on our gender journey. This is a much needed service to our community and I wish her all the success in the world with this venture!

I didn't attend many workshops myself this time. Many of the topics I've heard on a number of occasions. This is not to say I am above it all or that there isn't more to learn, because there is always more to learn and I need to stay current so that I can help others better and for my own needs at this late time in my transition. I attended a workshop on transitioning in the workplace that was excellent and got a few ideas about better ways to go about taking this up with the workplace administration. The other workshops I attended were on sexuality for the male to female transsexual taking hormones and one on coping with and resolving internalized transphobia. That is a very important topic as even those of us have dealt mostly with coming to terms about who we are and coming to terms with the people in our lives, can sometimes feel a degree of doubt or guilt and shame creep into the back of our minds. Resolving internalized transphobia isn't like completing a contest, or arriving at a destination, just like the process of transitioning, it is a journey.

My purpose this time, besides the main purpose of presenting my workshop, was to get some time to destress from my practice of psychotherapy which has been very busy and undergoing a lot of changes with the changes coming with the new health care systems. I wanted to get a massage for a back problem and for the holistic health benefits from a therapeutic massage. So the good news is that I got my back straightened out after almost a month and I was able to return to playing golf this week. I played twice in fact! On Thursday I played 9 holes with a friend after work and then yesterday I played 18 holes by myself. I played well for my level of skill on both occasions. I'm playing on a course I've never played before this Wednesday afternoon that is rated #36  in difficulty in the United States. I'm pretty sure I will stink it up, but I never take the game seriously, don't get angry when I don't play well and generally have a fun time and get rid of my stress.

Another purpose was to network with other psychotherapists, gender surgeons, and other allied health care professionals who I know. I took the opportunity to meet some other professionals I hadn't met before.

Then of course one of the biggest reasons is to see old friends I don't to see more than a few times a year and some I only see once a year. Wonderful people and I wish I could see them more often. I have friends like them all over now because of the opportunity to give the workshops in various places.

One of the things I enjoy a great deal is the opportunity to make new friends and each time I go to give a workshop, I meet new friends and look forward to seeing them the next time I'm in their city. That's always a lot of fun for me!

One of the things I reflected on is the debate on gender identities and I recently wrote on that topic here. The article is called The Dialectic of the Gender Continuum. One of the things I wrote mentioned that various gender identities are all valid, though not necessarily having anything in common with each other. Before I went to the conference, I wrote another article about the important role conventions such as Southern Comfort play for our communities. Some people I know expressed that they no longer go to these conferences because they feel they have nothing in common with others who have different gender identities. They feel clearly different from people with other gender identities and don't wish to socialize with them. I find that attitude disappointing. While I personally don't feel as if my identity has common elements as a woman of transsexual experience, I don't like the idea that I shouldn't socialize with others because they are different. I think if those who segregate themselves from others with different gender identities were to reflect on this attitude, they might be shocked to realize that that notion is no different from segregation due to racism and that they would not find those attitudes to be attractive within themselves. I'm not going to like every person who identifies as a cross dresser, fetishistic transvestite, transgender, or whichever identity someone may claim, but I am going to like some of them and I would not wish to not have the opportunity to make a new friendship. I've found that I never have enough friends and that all my friends, close or not, have something to offer me or teach me. I'm pretty shy, people wouldn't guess that, but I do like people.

Along this same theme, I heard the attitude shared that many younger people at the conference philosophically don't like the idea of having a gender identity at all. They identify as gender queer or other similar labels and they would deny everyone their own right to a gender identity as male or female in a society of their own design. I find it interesting that they would segregate themselves and impose a societal code that denies others of their own gender identity. You see this theme in much of feminist academic writing and in the presentations these individuals give at workshops. They want to impose the use of new language in the use of pronouns that deny the existence of gender identity. Ironically, these folks seem to be a small proportion of those in the gender community. I can never see myself identifying as anything than "female" or "woman" and would feel oppressed by a society that denies me my own identity, much as these individuals feel oppressed by a society that expects them to have a gender identity of either male or female. I find that rather ironic that they would choose to subject others to the same oppression they seek to be freed from.

I hope that the gender communities will come to accept others with different identities than their own and not feel threatened by those identities that are different than their own, just as we expect the dominant culture to accept us and respect our place in an open and free society. Sometimes I think the dominant culture is way beyond us in acceptance of us when we can't be tolerant of others with different identities in our own community. What do you think?

The Decision Not To Decide

I have debated for quite awhile whether to share this very personal and painful essay with you my readers on this blog. I wrote this to submit to a national magazine for an essay contest. This particular piece is one of the most revealing and difficult things I have ever put word on paper about. I've debated seriously about publishing it here, and weighed if I thought it would help younger people not make some of the very painful mistakes I made, which is why I am posting this. I came to the conclusion it was more important to post this than the importance of my own comfort.

The style in which I chose to write this article does not mention that what I am speaking of is being a woman of transsexual experience. I did not want to be so public about myself. Some may criticize that decision, but I do want a modicum of anonymity, though it isn't exactly a State Secret about this aspect of myself to a moderate segment of the professional community and in the gender community itself as I have so many friends all over the country who I have met giving workshops, through Pink Essence, Facebook and Google+. That's fine, but I'm a private person and don't feel the need to make this a central aspect of my public identity. It serves a purpose for those who know because I want to be of help, but I don't feel that is a carte blanche to open myself up to the world in general. Some people may think I'm copping out by not being out to everyone I meet, but it really isn't anyone's business what my medical issues are or what my genitalia are and how they got there. No one would ever enquire of a woman of non transsexual experience what their genitalia are or how they came to be and I wish to be afforded the same dignity and privacy as they have. So without further delay I give you the story about myself.


"Some of us turn off the lights and we live
In the moonlight shooting by
Some of us scare ourselves to death in the dark
To be where the angels fly" The Girl From the Red River Shore   Bob Dylan

 The decision that I most regret in my life was the day I first made the decision to not decide. Because of this decision to not decide, my life became a war of attrition within myself. I find that my life has consisted of a slow drift in which I would strike a bargain with myself over and over again. Each time I would concede a bit more and have faith that this would be the end point, only to find myself drift some more.  No one knew anything about what I failed to decide for the first 37 years of my life. When someone did learn of it, it was a very disturbing and painful event. However, it allowed me to come to the conclusion that I needed to accept this and continue to become more comfortable with myself. The consequences of not coming to terms with me would be serious.

Even with this, I continued in the same way, deciding not to decide, but allowing the concessions to continue as they became manifest in my life. Somewhere the tipping point was reached. It happened three years ago when I made a decision that I should have made when I was 22, or 27 or even at 37. I was 51.

Though I finally made the decision to decide, I’m sure you must be wondering what is it that I regret by not making a decision. After all, yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is not promised to us. We only have today.

 I regret living with fear.  I regret that so many people I have known, some loved, many wonderful people, have missed out in knowing me as equally well as I have known them. I may owe some of them an apology for not trusting when they have proven themselves again and again. I regret that because of my decision not to decide for so long that I limited my own ability to reach my full potential in many domains of my life.

When T.S. Eliot wrote in his poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, “I have heard the mermaids singing each to each. I do not think they will sing to me.” It held a lot of significance about my decision not to decide. It left me with being incomplete and life would not offer the same opportunities others have had.

What I have been so indecisive about is about my identity. I have known this about myself since I was able to acquire the language to name it. I was very young then. Then when I was about 10, I began to go to the library and read about others who shared similar struggles. I was a very advanced reader for my age. That was when I became unhappy about who I was, as opposed to being confused about who I was. The battle of attrition began. I figured out all kinds of ways to be ok with myself without having to deal with reality, but they either only worked temporarily, or not at all. I did things that not many people did. Sometimes they were things that were dangerous with potential for serious injury. I should have been killed six times over because of serious accidents I was involved in. They might not have been my fault, but I was responsible indirectly (which means I was responsible) for making choices that put me in those situations. I had no wish to die, but I wasn’t very happy with my life. I was careless about myself.

Through all these years since I first read about myself, I continued to follow new publications and articles and learned quite a bit about myself that made me unhappier for a variety of reasons. I always wanted to understand and know my own truth. I continued to read and be current. Most of what I read seemed to be right; some of it was way off base.

I avoided serious relationships for many years so as not to have to be open to people or hurt them in some way. I’m sure I puzzled some people who would try to get close and were pushed away. I was very lonely for a number of years. There were some very fine people I decided to protect from me that under different circumstances I could have been very happy with.

Finally, I met someone and decided that I was wrong about myself. I could have this side of my to remain only with me. Eventually this person became the first person to know me completely. I’m very sorry that I must have inflicted a great deal of emotional pain on this person due to my unwillingness to make a decision with personal integrity, though that person also inflicted a great deal of emotional pain upon me as well. Nevertheless that does not justify my lack of sharing myself openly for me. I was at fault for a lot of our conflicts as well.

Even with the person to who I am spiritually bonded now, who I told at the time when our relationship became serious, it has been a painful burden to bear over the course of our relationship. It makes me extremely sad that even though I had progressed to the point to be able to be transparent about myself, it has been a painful experience for us as a couple. There have been very few who have traveled this path together. We define ourselves in relation to each other as well as we define ourselves.  It is not clear that we will be able to travel together forever, though we hope and pray so. We stay in the moment, or at least the day. We remember we each have a process we are going through, more or less of our own design. We feel it out as we go. Sometimes we are afraid. Sometimes we are just sad. But then there are other times that are happy. They renew us and remind us why we are in this process together, and that is a good thing.

Even now with the decision made, the battle of attrition has become a different battle. The battle has become about how long I will wait to allow myself to finish this process, if at all, so the next part of life can begin. There is a need for immediacy that must be as carefully approached as I approached my own truth. While before I had dug my heels in, I am now accelerating towards something I did not ever wish for and I attempt to exercise restraint as a matter of judgment. I now grow impatient, yet the need for patience is even greater than before.

 I have also been mindful that there is very little left to do, just two important things and when I complete that that aspect of my life. I’ll be there.

T.S. Eliot wrote in The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, “I have measured out my life in coffee spoons.” I don’t want to do that anymore. I have learned that you have to live in the moment and it will pass, whether it was good or bad. We aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow. That’s enough to live with myself today and be at peace.

 

The Tao of Fishing

This is a poem that I wrote long ago and is influenced by a time in my life that I felt very spiritually connected by fishing rivers. I would fish the mighty Shenandoah River for smallmouth bass one weekend a month and the other weekend I would fish the mountain streams of the Appalachians for trout for most of the year, though in winter months I would only fish the trout streams in the crystaline clear water and air of the mountains. At the time I was studying Taoism in depth as it resonated with my spirit and over a three day period, I wrote the following verse. I hope that you can feel the spiritual connection that I felt at this time of my life.

                                     The Tao of Fishing 

                                    The Tao of Fishing

                                Is not the Tao that can be named                               

                                It is the Tao of the universe

                                      Where all is one                                

                                 The Tao ebbs and flows                          

                               As the continuity of the river                                 

                                      Great and strong

                                    Slow and feeble                                  

                                    But ever present                               

                            As the great consciousness                

                    Where one joins the Ten Thousand Things               

                 

           When does one man join the Ten Thousand Things?                          

                               Many have pondered for centuries                       

                                    When river meets man                         

                                    When man meets rod                          

                                    When rod meets reel                            

                                    When reel meets line                             

                                    When line meets lure

                                   

                                   When lure meets water                                        

                                   When water meets man                                      

                                    The cycle is complete 

                                   Time and river are one 

                              What flows by can not be regained

 

                                Take heart in this 

                         The wise fisher remembers and profits 

                         The foolish fisher forgets and has no success

 

                                     Many wonder how to live 

                                    It is best to be like the bass 

                                    Live not in the mainstream 

                                          But by the edge 

                                       Steadied by the calm 

                                     Ready to reach for the chance                               

                                       

                                         The carp is slow 

                                 Gliding low and out of range 

                                 Unperturbed is his nature 

                                       The trout is careful 

                      Swimming and waiting with a chance to discern 

                               Before belief comes swiftly and fatally 

                        Who knows the way of the freshwater clam? 

                         Traces of empty shell are only to be found 

                                   What was once is no more

                                  

                                       The fish is not the Tao

                                     But the Fish, one of the Ten Thousand Things

                                               Is of the Tao

 

                       The river motion is of the Tao  

                                  But it is not the Tao 

                                 The motion unites man and river 

                                  And are of the Tao

                                  But they are not the Tao

 

                         When the river does not flow 

                           And there is no motion

                                    There is death

                                   This is not the Tao

                                    And not of the Tao

                             In the Tao there is only motion

                                        Motion is life

                               Motion is at one with the Tao

                                        Life is Tao

                                         Tao is motion 

                         One does not strive to capture the Tao 

                         As the wise fisherman does not set out to catch the fish 

                          Instead the wise fisherman seeks perfection in motion

                                  And joins the Ten Thousand Things

                         In this manner the wise fisherman is set free by the Ten       Thousand Things

                                    In this manner the fish joins the fisher 

                                                When the fisher is of the Tao

                                                    He often releases the fish                      

                                                He does not rejoice in death

                                             He does not condone the waste of life

                        But consumes only what is needed to sustain life             

                    The Tao embodies and preserves life in the Ten Thousand Things                             

 

 © Sherri Lynne Tancyus 1983

 

                              

                                                                                                                                                                                

 

 

                                                                   

                                  

 

                              

 

 

                                    

                                  

 

 

                                  

 

                                      

 

                        

Women That I Admire: Beatrix Potter

                                    

Do you know of Beatrix Potter? She is a woman that I greatly admire! She is most well known for her illustrated stories about the adventures of Peter Rabbit, his sisters Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail, and their cousing Benjamin Bunny, along with all number of adorable animals that were mostly her pets. There were Miss Tiggywinkle, the hedgehog, Jemima Puddleduck, Squirrel Nutkin, Tom Kitten and other delightful personalities!



During my early 30's in a difficult period of my life, I remembered these little delightful stories and began to reread them. This led me to become curious about the woman who write these stories and I began to set out to learn everything I could about her.

Miss Potter grew up in Victorian England, a time when there were very few opportunities for young ladies growing up. Additionally, she grew up in a time when it was thought that parents should be rather emotionally distant from their children and she was mostly raised by the nannies and governesses that were employed by families of a certain social class during that time. She was educated at home, being deprived of the company of children her own age by teachers that her parents hired. I can only imagine that she was very lonely and felt much unloved, which makes me very sad for her.

                                                          
                                                   
Growing up she had a keen interest in nature and studied Biology and especially Botany. She had all manner of kinds of pets and loved them all very much. My guess is that this was a way for her to find the love that she was missing as she was growing up and that she nurtured these creatures as a substitute for the nurturing that she and all little ones deserve. She was, as you can see, an extremely gifted artist, and became well known as a young lady for her intricate and precise illustrations of species of plants native to Great Britian. Her work was of such high quality that she was considered for membership of the British Royal Botanical Society, whose membership was comprised of Britain's most emminent botanists. But, because she was a woman, she was not allowed to become a member of this mens' only society. How sad. What a loss for the advancement of the field of Botany in that era. Surely this must have been a crushing disappointment for her in young adulthood!

                                                                                          
Miss Potter, like all young women of the day, was expected to be married to a successful young man, have children, become the matron of the home, supervising the household staff who were engaged to cook, clean and perform the functions of running an upperclass Victorian Household (A fun movie to watch is "Life with Father" starring William Powell, Irene Dunne and a very youthful and pretty Elizabeth Taylor. It gives an insight into the family dynamics of a family in the Victorian era. Its one of my favorites!)

She became engaged to a young man, but tragically, he died at quite a young age of leukemia most unexpectedly. Miss Potter went into seclusion and remained unmarried for most of her life. With all the love she had to offer, sadly she remained childless. She did have a number of neices and nephews and began to write them little illustrated stories about her pets. These became the stories that she remains so famous for after all these years.


                                                       

Eventually, a publisher became aware of these stories she had written for her young nieces and nephews and offered to publish them for sale to the public. As her father was an attorney, a contract was negotiated and her stories became best sellers in an era where spending money on children was considered frivelous.

Resigned to living her life alone, her writing career eventually came to an end, but she became quite independently wealthy to a degree unimaginable for a woman of her time. What did she do with her wealth? She moved from London to the Lake District and purchased a farm and began to raise sheep. As her sheep farming became more successful, she bought more and more land in the Lake District, expanding her operation. She became quite famous for her work in breeding Herdwick sheep, as well as studying diseases and disorders that afflicted them and their treatment. During this period of her life, she married a local attorney, William Heeli and they were happy together for 30 years before she succumbed to heart disease and pneumonia. She and her husband left their vast land holdings in the Lake District to the National Trust to preserve the beauty of this wonderful area of England, noted for being the location where many of the Romantic era poets commemorated in their beautiful poetry.

Because of her many remarkable accomplishments in the face of such adversity, she is truly a woman I admire. I have known of her for many years, but as a result of a conversation I had with my friend Allison Sweeny, I remembered her last evening and I wanted to share her life you, my readers. Thanks, Allie!