Touched By an Angel



This is a personal and true story that covers about 45 years of my life. I am a person  with a strong faith in Christ. I have from the time when I was very young and my mother can recount a story when I was six and she found me witnessing to a friend whose family were atheists. Even in my darkest moments of my life I have never questioned my faith. It is deeply personal and I don't feel a need to justify my faith to others. I have known people who have ridiculed my faith. That doesn't bother me. My faith is about my relationship to the God of my understanding. My own salvation is a full time preoccupation and I do not judge where others stand in the sight of God or whether they stand at all because they do not believe. It's not my business. It matters nothing to me whether those who have the same faith as I, believe that I am sinning by being a transsexual. I do not believe I am comitting a sin for being who I am. Similiarly, those who would criticize me for my faith in God matter nothing to me. I am who I am and I am comfortable with that. I'm not bothered either way and don't judge them negatively in their criticism of me.

 

It is important for readers of this article to know that I was named Michael firstly after the Archangel Michael and also because of my Geat Grandfather Michael who died when I was about 4 years old.

 

When I was about 8 or 9 years old, I awoke to the presence of a towering angel beside my bed. This angel wore white clothing and had huge black wings. The angel touched me on the forehead with his right wing three times. Being a young child, I was terrified by the angel's presence. I had no way of making sense of the angel's visitation or what being touched three times  I knew he was an angelic being, but I was too young to know what all of this meant, much less that this angel was one of a number of kinds of angels. Did you know that there are many different types of angels arranged in a heirachy? Within this heirarchy there are several classifications of angels grouped into spheres or "choirs". Most of us will recognize that there are Archangels, Cherubim and Seraphim.

 

There are nine types of angels arranged in the following order. Members of the first choir of angels in order are Seraphim, Cherubim and Thrones. Seraphim are the closest to God and there are only four of them who are identified. Their purpose is to praise God and protect God's throne. Cherubim are God's intercessors and they also protect the throne of God. Thrones are responsible for dispensing God's judgement and are the intercessors for angels of other orders.

 

In the second choir of angels, there are Dominions who administer over  the duties of all angels and grant power to government leaders as well as other people in positions of authority. Virtues are angels who control the elements, govern over nature and perform miracles. They give us courage, strength and valor. Powers control the boundaries of heaven and earth. They are warrior angels and preside over birth and death. They engage in spiritual warfare with demons.

 

The third choir of angels include Principalities whose responsibility is being in charge of the world's cities, towns and and nations. They take charge of religions and politics. (I note specifically "religions" as the three great monotheistic religions- Christianity, Judaism and Islam all recognize the existence of angels.) Archangels are the chief angels. They are the guardians of all people and all things of the physical world. They are God's messengers to people in critical times. Finally, there are Angels who carry our prayers to God and bring us God's answers to our prayers as well as providing nurturing, healing and counseling us.

 

There are also the fallen angels, or demons. I will speak no further of them. I do not invite them or allow access to my spiritual life, though I do believe that they indeed exist.

For most of my life, I had never seen or head of an angel with black wings, nor had anyone with whom I had ever shared this story. I wondered what it meant for the angel to touch me three times. I wondered if it meant that I would die before the time I was 30 years old. Having lived through a series of car accidents (not my fault) that I had no right to walk away from, I knew that this was not the meaning of the angel's visit, but I was no closer to understanding my experience. By all rights, I should have been killed five times over. So this mystery went on for about the next 30 years, until I was 38.

(This is the picture I saw when I was 38)

That year I went to the local book fair that is held 8 or 9 times a year and has literally thousands of books on all imaginable topics. Not looking for anything in particular, I came across a book on angels in the Religion section. There in that book was a picture of an angel with black wings, but it had no information on this angel. It was then that I knew my visitation was real, even if I was no closer to understanding why I had been visited by this angel.



It would be another 16 years before I learned why this angel came to me at a very young age. My answer came about 10 days ago and I have only shared this revelation with four of the people I am most close to.

Once again I began to think about the angel I had been visited by and I decided to do another of many searches to learn what this meant. I began to search the internet and while beginning to find pictures of angels with black wings, I also came across what I have come to know to be my answer.

In order to understand this better, I have to share that I was the victim and I am a survivor of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. This went on for about 3 and a half years before it was ended. The way I was able to overcome the legacy of this trauma was to come to the recognition that it is no longer happening to me and if I allow it to affect my life now, I would continue to give the power to perpetrators of the abuse and allow them to revictimize me even after all these years. I refuse to allow this to happen any more.

I learned that the angel who came to me, and who I read about was the Arcangel Michael. The reason that he was revealed to me having black wings was described because in this manifestation, he is a warrior angel and an angel of protection, He came to me to let me know that I would be kept safe from the things I would have to live through to carry out God's plan for my life. The reason for being touched on the forehead three times? I was being blessed and protected in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I am so thankful for that protection and blessing.

I have always believed that whatever talent I have as a therapist is not of me and is a gift from my God as I understand him. I am only the vehicle of healing that I am able to use in helping others. That is the only reason that I am still here is to fulfill my purpose. I hope that I will always live up to that mission.

 

The Dialectic of the Gender Continuum

 

 

“This is dialectics, its very simple dialectics. One through nine, no maybes, no supposes, no fractions. You can't travel in space, you can't go out into space, you know, without, like, you know, uh, with fractions - what are you going to land on - one-quarter, three-eighths? What are you going to do when you go from here to Venus or something? That's dialectic physics. Ok. Dialectic logics is there's only love and hate. You either love someone or you hate them” - Photojournalist in the movie Apocalypse Now

 

One of the hotly debated topics among people categorized under the encompassing term transgender and some academics is whether gender identity exists on a continuum. I am not convinced that gender identity does exist as a continuum, but I’m open, as in most matters, to the power of persuasion and am willing to reconsider that position.  

 

 

My belief is that if a gender continuum existed, then some of the identities would be fractional representations of others and I posit that this is not possible. My position is that the various gender identities are discrete and have no relation to each other than that they are alternate gender identities. There are some gender identities that are synonyms for others. Some of them do not fit neatly into a binary, the prevailing organization of gender identities in western culture. If you ask the individuals who identify as being gender variant, one will find that the binary of gender identification is valid for most people. If one asks a person with a variant gender identity what their gender is, the vast majority of these individuals will say that are male or that they are female. If I am asked this question, I answer that I am a woman. The concept of the gender binary does not give me pause or create a sense of conflict with the prevailing dominant culture for me.

 

 

I did a review of the literature on pubmed.gov, a database of world wide medical journals sponsored by the National Institutes of Health. It leads me to wonder if this is a theory only found in scholarly disciplines such as sociology. I could not find any articles in NIH database supporting a theory of a gender continuum. Similarly, a search of the Social Welfare Institute yielded one article solely devoted to people with gender identities other than their assigned birth gender and any other references were termed in the context of “LGBT”.  The paucity of scholarly research is more than a little alarming to me. The only books or articles mentioning the concept of a continuum or spectrum were those with a feminist philosophical perspective. I used the University of Ohio library database to research the gender continuum theory.  (I could have used my Alma Mater’s library at the University of Alabama, but in the interest of objectivity….) When I read feminist theory applied to academic subjects I keep in mind that “third wave” feminist theory is a sociopolitical theory that in many instances incorporates the ideals of Marxist political theory. Marxist theory lends itself well to the blurring of identities. This is quite a contrast from other theories in my own profession. Other schools of thought in the field of mental health, such as Behaviorism for example, are notably apolitical. The notion of a gender continuum is far from a universally accepted concept in academia, yet proponents of the concept of gender identity continuum would represent their model as being universally accepted. There is no scientific basis for feminist ideology being any more valid than capitalism or socialism. It is simply a strategy for organizing a society, just as socialism and capitalism are strategies for organizing societies. 

 

 

 It is such a sensitive issue that one would think I had also declared that the world is flat and the earth is the center of the universe. It’s almost heretical to hold the view that gender does not exist on a continuum. To suggest it does not will certainly invite or at least open myself to quite a bit of invective, as it has in the past when I have voiced an opposing view on such matters. Arguments for the existence of the gender continuum mix biological realities with social constructs and arrive at conclusions that do not stand up to the rigors of scientific inquiry. 

 

 

Consider the Hierarchy of Sciences. At the top is Physics, followed by Chemistry, Biology, Psychology, Sociology, Economics and Political Science. The further down the rank we go, the less precise the science becomes and there is less certainty in the results of each discipline’s research. The areas of my expertise lie in the application of the disciplines of Psychology, Sociology and to a lesser extent Political Science and Economics. 

 

 

To the end that I might be persuaded of the existence of the concept of gender being a continuum, the best approach is to engage in dialectic. I had avoided the philosophy courses in the department of religion and philosophy (to my detriment) as an undergraduate, but I did take a course in the philosophy of behavioral sciences my senior year and in graduate school when I selected a course on the philosophy and ethics of social work in the doctoral program I attended. 

 

 

 First, we need a common language in order to discuss this topic. Words mean things. They have specific and generally fixed definitions over the course of time. Among the criticisms I raise about feminist theory is their assertion of the relativity of the meanings of words. They insist that language can be bent to serve the present need to meet an ends. Thus we have the “reclamation” of words that are considered to be pejoratives.

 

 

What is dialectic?   Dialectic is a term used to describe how people who have different views try to persuade each other to their side. It is through dialogue that hopefully the truth will emerge. In classical philosophy, dialectic (Greek: διαλεκτική) is controversy, that is, the exchange of arguments and counter-arguments respectively advocating propositions (theses) and counter-propositions (antitheses). It is the practice of arriving at a conclusion by the exchange of logical arguments, usually in the form of questions and answers.   

 

 

A continuum is defined as a continuous extent, series, or whole. It is a set of elements such that between them there is a third element. It is any compact set containing two elements, though critics of the gender binary do not recognize this fact.  A continuum has an order. Here lies the problem for me. What is the order of the various identities under the umbrella term transgender? What is the relation of each element to another and their distance from each other? One Quarter? Three Eighths? Is a gender queer half of a transsexual? This is a meaningless concept. 
 

In discussing whether a gender continuum does indeed exist, my position is the null hypothesis. A null hypothesis is defined as a statistical term meaning that the proposed hypothesis cannot be proven. In this case, the null hypothesis that is held forth is that a gender continuum does not exist.  
 

The alternative hypothesis I propose is that set theory explains the existence of various gender identities in a meaningful way. It does not make the presumption that all gender identities are either related or interrelated.  Set theory is the branch of mathematics that studies sets, which are collections of objects that may or may not have properties in common. For instance: At the extremes of our political system you have extreme liberals and extreme conservatives. The only thing they have in common is belonging to the set “political orientation”.

 

The word “transgender” was first used by John F. Oliven M.D. in his second edition of Sexual Hygiene and Pathology.  His rationale was that sexuality was only tangential to the person who identifies as transsexual. Virginia Prince also began to use this word in the December 1969 issue of the magazine Transvestia. By the mid 1970’s transgender became an umbrella term. At the same time, the term “transgenderist” (TG) became popular in the vernacular to specifically describe people who were living in a cross gender role who did not intend to have genital reassignment surgery. In 1979 Christine Jorgensen rejected the term transsexual, as she stated that her issue was gender identity not her sexuality. She referred to herself as a “trans-gender”. 

 

 

The term “transsexual” originated in the medical and psychiatric communities. Virginia Prince drew a sharp distinction between transgenderists and transsexuals. She did not consider these two entities to be related. 

So with these parameters for our discussion, I would like to begin by asking, what are the poles in the continuum of the umbrella term “transgender” and who are considered to be the elements of this continuum? Or are we really speaking of a broader gender continuum where the poles of the continuum are women who identify as female and body sex is female and males who identify as males and body sex is male (if this continuum does indeed exist)?  
 

The elements of this continuum include as I have been informed by various people (and please forgive me if I leave some identities out) in no particular order: transvestite; transsexual; cross dresser; transgender; drag king/ queen; sissy; gender queer; intersex; eunuch; third gender; fourth gender; fifth gender; agender; genderless; two spirit; androgyne; trigender; transgenderist; and no doubt other identities that I have overlooked. I have purposely left out culturally specific gender identities as they are not universal. For my purposes, including them in this discussion is more confusing than it is helpful. If I can be persuaded that the continuum in gender identities exists, then we can discuss where they belong on a continuum or if some of them don’t belong at all. Do adult babies who identify as cross gender enter into the category of transgender as members of the proposed continuum?  

 

 

How are these identities arranged in a continuum that has validity and reliability? Validity is the quality of being valid and rigorous; the quality of having legal force or effectiveness; the property of being strong and healthy in constitution. It means that there is no change in definition and that it describes accurately properties of a concept or theory. Reliability means whether or not you get the same result under the same circumstances each time the phenomenon is observed. In order to be useful, a continuum of transgender identities must be accurate in describing the placement of the elements and has universal agreement. Another way of describing the meaning of the continuum is that it must define each element’s relation to the rest of the elements on the defined continuum. 

 

 

If one is to construct this continuum, one cannot use social constructs in my opinion, as they shift rapidly. As a result, they will not meet the criteria of reliability and its validity will be fleeting as society evolves (or devolves). 
 

Since for the moment until someone responds to these ideas, I will also put forth the idea that one cannot argue the existence of a gender continuum using sociopolitical arguments of gender identities in establishing the continuum. That serves to narrow down the basis of these identities existing on a continuum. 

 

 

 I would also like to challenge the notion that this continuum is based on brain sex. Though there have been studies that establish differences in brain sex between men and women, and there have been some studies that have found cross gender structures and neuron density patterns in transsexual men and women, there are not enough studies with large enough samples to say with validity and reliability that the brains of transsexuals are more like the gender to which they identify. We can, at this point say that there is a great deal of evidence (an association) that supports that finding and we are closer to understanding the biological underpinnings of gender identity now more than ever. In the area of anatomy and physiology, I can clearly see that we will be able to identify a continuum, as one appears to indeed be emerging, but to date this continuum appears to only include biological males who identify as male, male to female transsexuals, female to male transsexuals, and biological women who identify as women. There is no evidence to support these other identities existing on a biological continuum to my knowledge. The studies I refer to are all quantitative studies. In other words, these studies are based on statistical analysis. To the extent they are proof of a hypothesis they are limited to confidence levels of probability. In other words, we need to know whether we are speaking of a study that is wrong once in a hundred times, once in a thousand times or however the author of the study sets the burden of proof so that the results of the study are accurate and able to successfully predict that a random individual instance will bear out to be the same as the results of the study. 
 

The notion of a transgender spectrum or continuum can only be positively established with the use of qualitative research methods. Qualitative methods of research are not as powerful as quantitative research methods, particularly in proving the reliability of the hypothesis. But they are very important and useful in identifying phenomenon for evaluation using quantitative research techniques. Methods included in qualitative research include participant observation, ethnographies, case studies, surveys, historical reviews, and document surveys. They lead to a rich descriptive understanding of the phenomenon being studied. My opinion is that if a continuum of “transgender” does indeed exist, these are the research techniques that might offer proof of the existence of such a model. They will offer the hypothesis of whether a continuum of transgender identity exists and pave the path to begin quantitative research strategies to prove or disprove the existence of such a continuum. Until that day, I must remain convinced of the null hypothesis, that there is no proof of a transgender continuum and that identities under the rubric of transgender are grouped as a matter of convenience for sociopolitical purposes. 
 

I would propose that perhaps a better way of envisioning all of these identities and recognizing their independence and/ or interdependence with each other would be better served using the Venn diagram. Borrowing from another mathematical representation, Set Theory, a Venn diagram recognizes that there is a universal set of these gender identities.  Yet elements of the set may or may not share properties with each other member of the universal set, while others do share some but not all properties of a member of the set. They do not describe a continuum. An example of this would be the overlap of identities such as gender queer, agender, eunuch, and other similar identities. Other identities such as transsexual and transvestic fetishists share nothing in common but can be recognized members of a set under the umbrella term “transgender”. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trans Conventions: Why Should You Go to One?

Each year, there are opportunities to attend one or more trans conferences around the country. As time has gone by, there are more and more conferences available to attend regionally, providing opportunities to learn more about ourselves, meet people like ourselves, have fun and find out about options for medical and aesthetic care. At some conventions there are also continuing education tracks available to educate professionals such as myself. We are taking the responsibility for finding professionals who can educate other professionals who are interested in helping us and providing these important opportunities. I have both given workshops to other professionals and received a substantial amount of continuing education over the past two years. That has allowed me to solely focus on studying sanctioned curricula by my profession and teach to other professionals. Because of these opportunities, I have completed 73 hours of continuing education in the last two years on top of the self directed studies that I have been engaging in over the past 16 years. That is equivalent to 4.5 semester hours in a graduate program.



Since 2009, I have been attending conferences to offer workshops on the history of mental health treatment of transsexualism and what is the present state of the art in transgender care. I do my best to provide education to other professionals and seek out the best education opportunities that I can find, as well as unravel the misconceptions about the WPATH Standard of Care, and myths that abound in the gender community to the members of our community.

I have not been to all the conferences available to go to, but have been going to Southern Comfort Conference each year. Southern Comfort is the largest conference I have attended and is one of the longest running and largest conferences in the U.S. This year will be my fourth time presenting a workshop there. This conference is the most dear to me because Southern Comfort gave me my first opportunity to present a workshop on my area of specialization.



 I have given a workshop at the Trans Philadelphia Health Conference, which is the largest health conference in the world on the topic of transgender care and last year chaired the mental health workshop selection committee for this conference. I have also attended the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, Pa., TransOhio Conference in Columbus, and Chicago Be- All and I have to say, I have enjoyed them all. Besides the opportunity to give or get these educational opportunities, I have treasured the friendships I have made at the conferences and the opportunity to spend time with many wonderful friends that I have across the nation thanks to the Internet and through the past four years that I have been a member of Pink Essence. I attended five conferences last year.

What can you expect at these conferences? Be prepared to meet all sorts of people from every walk of life and from all over the U.S. It is not unusual to meet people from all over the U.S.



You will have an opportunity to attend workshops on various topics that include counseling, etiquette, how to move in a feminine manner, fashion styling, medical health issues such as hormone regimens, aesthetic and gender reassignment surgeries, voice therapy, how to transition at work, improving family and spousal relationships, sexuality, spirituality, substance abuse, laser and electrolysis hair removal, legal issues in identity management, advocacy and participating in the legislative process. There are many more topics too. If you are a female to male transperson, there are plenty of topics for you too!

Just as importantly there is time for FUN!! Usually there will be organized activities and excursions to see local points of interest, to shop, and get pampered in salons.



The conferences provide special attention to first time attendees, so they will not feel frightened. For some, this will be the first time she will have had to be in public and this can be very overwhelming. Some conferences will offer a "big sister or big brother" to help first time attendees. There are sad stories about people coming for their first time who were too afraid to even come out of their room and hid the whole time they were there. Often there are 12 step meetings available for our recovering brothers and sisters.

An illustration of the important role conferences play in some of our lives can be seen frequently on the last night. You will see many people who stay up all night that last night with friends who they wont get to see for another year. Most poignant is watching those who are sad that they will not have an opportunity to express who they truly are for another full year. They look so forlorn, it is heartbreaking. That is exactly how important these conferences are.

If for no other reason, this is an opportunity to learn more about yourself and sometimes you will learn a little bit about other people, different from yourself, but in some ways the same.

I hope to see those of you who I have met and meet many of you I have only met through the Internet this year!

In Praise of Pink Essence and Social Networking

To rip off old Willie Shakespeare and misquote him, I would like to say that I come here to praise Pink Essence, not to bury it (and other similar transgender social networking websites).

If you are not familiar with Pink Essence or other social networking websites such as URNotAlone, perhaps you might visit one of them and see if you enjoy being a part of an online community specifically for those who are transgendered and those who support them.

I speak specifically of Pink Essence in this article because that is the social networking website that I have been most familiar and I have participated to varying degrees of activity for almost 4 years. UrNotAlone is notable in that it was the first of it's kind and was begun in 1995. There are some others too that I have heard of in passing but I am not really knowledgeable about them.

There are a lot of people who love Pink Essence and those who don't care for it at all. There are members who have been active on the site and remain very involved to this day, those who briefly become members, find it is not their cup of tea and close their membership without ever having much involvement in the activities available and those who were once very active on the site who remain members, though participate almost in a nominal manner. This latter type of member would probably describe me best. Then there are the members who remain very active since they joined to this day.

There are people who vehemently loathe Pink Essence and denegrate it and its creator for various reasons. There are ardent members of the site who seem to devote much or all of their online life to it like some people on Face Book do.

The detractors complain about all sorts of things they don't like and some of them demonize the creator and owner of Pink Essence. Personally, I admire her. She has created something that has been a source of support during a terrifying time for a transgendered person when she comes to terms with who she is after years of either being in denial of herself, or being aware of who she is but living in terror others learn about her. Typically, she has never known anyone like herself or has no where to turn to gain access to support groups or knowlegable allied health care professionals who could be of help to her. Sometimes even when these resources are locally available she may almost be petrified with fear and a site like Pink Essence is her first foray into coping with herself in a healthier manner. This is one of the most important reasons that these sites exist.

In addition to that, Pink Essence also offers ways to express one's opinion on things Trans, non trans, and trans related including chat rooms and blogging. There is a forum on book reviews, on spirituality, on people who have the same career, information on how to contact professionals who help transgender people. There are political discussions and information on real world support groups, social gatherings and transgender conferences where one may meet others on a similiar journey and have the opportunity to speak with many professionals face to face. Most important of all is the opportunity to forge life long friendships like I have with some of the members of Pink Essence. They don't live very close, but they have become some of my dearest friends and I never would have gotten to know them without the presence of Pink Essence on the internet.

Is Pink Essence perfect? Of course not, silly! It has its strengths and its challenges. Some people call them faults, but I think a challenge is something that can be overcome. A fault is something there is no hope to ever change.

Pink Essence is really a big extended family. As in all families, there are squabbles; people get mad at each other and cut each other off emotionally. Sometimes they "kiss and make up" and sometimes they never have anything to do with each other ever again. They become estranged. They adore their "mother" (the website owner and creator) and sometimes they get angry at "mother" because something occurs they don't like.

Personally, while I have had some disagreements with the creator of Pink Essence, just as anyone does in any type of relationship. Most importantly though, I really admire and respect the creator of Pink Essence for what she has created. She has something she created that hasn't just helped people in the U.S., but it has helped people all over the world. I think that is pretty special, don't you?

For a later article I wrote on the potential downside of membership in Pink Essence and other social media websites please follow this link:
http://twoworldstranstherapist.blogspot.com/2014/05/pink-essence-why-i-chose-to-discontinue.html

I would like to again restate, I believe that Chloe Prince created something very positive for transgendered people, but nothing is seldom all good or all bad; it is up to the user of social media to be responsible in educating themselves about the benefits and risks of belonging so social support websites.

Are You a Sissy?

Are you a sissy? That is a very loaded question and an emotionally charged topic as well in the world of transgender identies and trans politics. It is an issue that sharply divides those who identify as transsexuals from the rest of the gender community and also can divide the rest of the transgender community from those who identify as sissies. I hope that this article will shed some light on this gender identity in a respectful manner. I believe that while I can't relate to these individuals from my own experience, there are people who identify as sissies and have the right to do so.

So what am I talking about here when I speak of sissies? I'm speaking of those people who usually identify as male, but enjoy dressing and appearing as little girls or in a hyperfeminine way that a woman would not appear. There is no way these individuals are going to pass in public, which is part of the piquancy. A google image search of "Sissy" turns up a lot of pictures of Sissy Spacek. She is an awesome actress.

 But pertaining to the topic at hand, the images retrieved are all closely related to female domination, humiliation and other D&S themes. Again, that's fine. I think however they express their sexuality and identity is not my business and everyone has the right to be who they are.

Two years ago, I met a pair of sissies at a transgender conference. They stood out in a convention of people whose identity is that of women with no qualifiers attached to that identity and who are doing everything they can do to blend in with society. In talking with them, I found them to be very nice people.  They told me they weren't really enjoying the conference because no one was being especially friendly or attempting to be inclusive in the activities that were going on in the hotel. I doubt that I will see them again at the conference I was attending.

But I couldn't relate to the experience of a sissy identity in the everyday world. I worry about how the public percieves the woman of transsexual experience and if the public sees me and those who identify as sissies as being one and the same. While there is an intersection on the axis of gender identity, just as there is an intersection in the mathmatical model of the X and Y axis, for me, sexuality is not an issue. For the sissy, sexuality is up front and integral to the sissy experience. It includes strong elements of being shamed and being degraded by others. It is an identity that is less than the genetic woman and definately less than a man.

I wonder if this is for most who identify as a sissy a developmental stage in forming a transsexual identity or is it a stable identity of its own? Some women of transsexual experience at some point experience some attraction to the fantasy of forced feminization, usually early on in their life when they are coming to terms with who they are. For them, this is about not being able to take responsibility for who they are and at a point when they feel ashamed of who they are. If it does occur, it is a transient event that fades to black and disappears. It goes away when the woman of transsexual experience knows that there is nothing wrong with her identity as a woman. As a result, feelings of shame and guilt have no place in her identity. Simply put, for the woman of transsexual experience who is comfortable with her identity, the old addage "You can't rape the willing" is true. She sees herself as no different than the woman who was assigned at birth as a female and is comfortable living her life in mainstream society. This is the basis for women (and men) of transsexual experience not viewing themselves as part of the transgender spectrum, but understanding themselves to be very different and not part of a spectrum of gender identities.

Just as sissies have the right to claim their identity, so do women of transsexual experience. We also have the right to claim our own identity as unique and not part of a spectrum. We have the right to our own uniqueness.

I'd be very interested in hearing the views of readers of this blog. I think this is a topic worthy of discussion and reading your comments.

Further Along... "How Very Taoistic of You Miss Sherri" or "How I'm Learning to Turn Off the Noise in my Mind"

I am back from vacation and back with a full caseload at work. Our beach vacation was much needed and enjoyed. It was wonderful to have so much undivided time with Patty. Other than going for several long walks that she was not up to, we were totally together without any of our regular responsibilities.

This was the longest period that Patty and I have lived together publically. That may surprise some of you but I have been very sensitive to Patty's needs to adjust to the changes in the seasons of our life together. It's not all about me. Sometimes it feels that way, but it is about us. It was so good for her to finally see me in so many very different public social situations, without the context of "gender issue" and just being me, having a normal time with people treating me as any other woman. She was so much more comfortable with where I am at in my transition than before. I'm very thankful.

We came home the following Monday.  That Wednesday, I played golf with my friend Janet. We played at a course she hadn't played forever and it was my first time at that course. I was hoping to show her how much I have improved, but of course that didn't happen! It seemed like a very easy course compared to where I play, but the fairways weren't forgiving in terms of the width of each hole and there were several challenging water hazards. Well, it wasn't pretty but I did chip a very long shot with her chipper that I sunk, which was way cool! My putting wasn't quite up to my usual level and that is the one real strength I have in golf. However, as ususal we had a nice visit and fun playing. I don't have many friends who have known me since I was 18.

On Thursday, I went back to work and then had my normal weekend time off. That was a nice way to ease back into my work.

On Friday, Patty went on an overnight trip to be with her intentional community. When I came home from work, I did not turn on the TV, radio, nor did I put on music. I had a nice quiet evening, went to bed at a reasonable hour and slept well.

When I got up on Saturday it was about an hour later than I had wanted to sleep. Again, I just didn't turn on anything and again enjoyed the peaceful quietness of the home I have spent 28 years of my life altogether.

I got so much done! I started to do household chores and totally cleaned the bathroom, did all the dishes, did two loads of laundry, folded and put away. I also got the grocery shopping done and made Patty a nice Mediterranian Seafood Fettucine. I couldn't get the scallops I normally use so I substituted lump crap meat and had the shrimp with it too as I usually do. If any of you want this recipie, just let me know. Simple, easy to make, delightful and wonderful on a very hot summer evening as it is served cool. Patty was pleased and the rest of our weekend was relaxing.

I was talking with my therapist Dana and I told her that I was feeling stuck in the last stagees of my transition. But I also told her it only seemed that way to me because I haven't figured out exactly how to inform my employer and it scares me because I've worried about doing it for unselfish reasons. I have gotten so much accomplished in reality, E=M*C squared, and all that time and relativity stuff, you know. I did, however, make a decision that I think will be helpful in all of this and have decided to make an appointment to talk to the governing board of my profession and inform them of my intentions in person. I want them to be aware that I have a professional life in both genders at this time. More of my process of transition has turned out happily than unhappily.

I think that is because something beneficial to my well being occurred earlier this year. My intentional community observes a period of abstaining from something pleasurable for a period of time that is not insignificant. This year was the first time I had decided to observe this period and was successful in completing it. I abstained from having the radio on or listen to anything else while I was driving, which is at least an hour and sometimes much more each day. It was an opportunity to be quiet for an extended period of time. It allowed me to be more mindful, in the moment and also to be more contemplative. Soon after I began this practice of discipline I discovered that I actually felt better, calmer and more centered. I felt in balance.

So I began to do this again last week on several occasions and found that once again I felt more serene than I ususally do on my way to and from work.This is what led me to extend this practice to other times in my day. Over the past week again I have come home and kept the media circus turned off. Patty and I talk more and I am feeling very positive about this.

I have been more able to see options as opposed to fighting to find the one right answer to any given situation.

As it is written in the chinese book The Tao Te Ching (The Book of Changes), the softest substance in the world overcomes the hardest; water wears away stone. Adopting a more mindful and more contemplative life is a good way to become more receptive to  more options to choose from. Fighting for that "one right solution" actually can become a barrier to progress.

Another result of seeking quiet and becoming more contemplative is to put away the book project I have been working on in favor of a new idea I had for a different book with a different audience in mind. It seems to be writing itself right now. I think this new project will help transsexuals in transition experience a higher quality of life during a very stressful life stage.

I am also changing my workshop and I think it will be better because I think it will engage more people to try a more contemplative approach not only to their transition, but also to their life in a holistic manner.

I hope to see many of you at the Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta near the end of September.

hugs, Sherri

Taking a Break and Updates

I just wanted to take a moment to let you know I have added a blog on the list I have. It's written by Briann Austin. She has a lot of interesting articles that she has written about that I and Cyrsti Hart have written about in our blogs. Frequently, I get my inspiration to write an article from reading blogs like Cyrsti's and Briann's. I hope you enjoy both of their blogs.

I am going on vacation! (whew, finally!). I'll be at Virginia Beach next week.

One thing I will look forward to there is going to the spa for a nice day of relaxation and detoxing my body. The spa is a part of the Edgar Cayce founhttp://www.edldation. They have many wonderful services to enhance your quality of life and well being. Edgar was a very interesting person. He was known as the sleeping profit and was known for giving instructions for healing treatments while in a trance. These treatments were effective for illnesses that medical science at the time could not cure. For more information about Edgar Cayce, click on this link: http://www.edgarcayce.org/edgar-cayce1.html

Obama Care is Constitutional

Last week, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that Obama Care is constitutional under the right of the government to tax the citizens. Personally, I was surprised that it was upheld. In my opinion, there were several areas of the Constitution that had been violated. I do not represent myself to be a very learned scholar of the U.S. Constitution, nor am I an attorney. I do read quite a bit on law and politics and I do not restrict my reading to sources that are sympathetic to my beliefs. I do interact often with the legal system and do a lot of case research for the times when I appear before the court. I am not interested in presenting an arguement about whether this legislation is constitutional. Perhaps I might write about this aspect of Obama Care in the near future.

But I want to explain why as a health care provider, I am opposed to a socialized medicine system. Personal Disclaimer: I am going to be severely financially damaged on a personal level by Obama Care. There are two reasons for this. One is because of massive raises on  individual federal income tax rates. Consider that just less than 50% of people pay federal income taxes. The second reason is because it will seriously degrade the health care system in the United States. This is what I would like to discuss.

Essentially there are two ways to have a health care plan on a national level. There is the system that we have had, mostly funded by private insurance providers for profit, along with a basic safety net of  health care that by varying degrees is funded by private insurance policy holders and the government's funding through the confiscation of an individual's wealth through taxes. There is a social contract that we as a nation have agreed upon to provide indigent people with health care. This is mostly provided by Medicare and Medicaid. My hospital also gives away millions of dollars each year for uncompensated health care, as do many health care facilities and private providers of health care.  Locally we also have the Health Department programs and a regional Free Clinic.  The other major social program for health care is that under the Veteran's Administration for those who have sacrificed so much for our freedom.

The other system is what we commonly call "socialized medicine". It includes health care systems of Canada, Mexico, and the member states of the European Union for example. Many people tend to think of these systems as providing "free health care" but the reality is that health care is not free and that the taxes needed to sustain socialized medicine come with tangible and less tangible costs and in no small measure  are the reason that the European Union is in an economic crisis that will not likely allow it to survive. We have seen the EU cast aside member states who have become too large a sinkhole of capital. One or two of the member states who are subsidizing the European Unionwill likely decide to pull out before they reach the point of no return economically. All this may become a death nell for the "Global Economy" that every president since George H. Bush supported in 1988, Bill Clinton supported in 1992 George W. Bush supported in 2000 and Barak Obama supports. Note that there are two Democrat presidents and two Republican presidents, so the idea of the world economy is pervasive across the U.S. political landscape. I can't say the same holds the same for those who identify as conservative and those who identify as liberal. There are clearly drawn lines on which group thinks one or the other is the wiser economic model to implement. There will be millions of individuals who will be irrepairibly damaged through increasing federal demands for tax revenue to move to a socialist model of health care. No government can even be described as one as benevelently as Machiavelli is referred to as a "benign despot". Then again, I believe Machiavelli first referred to himself that way, not his peers.

My objections to socialized health care is that is doesn't improve the level of health care for a nation, it actually degrades accessibility to specialized care and leads to even more rationing of health care than exists under private insurance and managed care health plans. People who participate in the present system of care who have government entitlement services, specifically Medicaid and Medicare use medical services more often than those who have private insurance and are more inclined to go the the emergency room for issues that could wait for a primary care physician. They are less likely to access primary care first.

But if you like visiting the emergency room, especially like on a Friday evening- this is going to be your thing when you go to the primary care doctor. It will be just like that every time. Bring a book or your favorite electronic pastime. It's going to be awhile.

I can cite examples of problems both from what I have personally encountered with a friend and I can tell you of two example from my professional experience of a number of others in various countries in both North America and Europe. No one talks about nationalized health care in South America or Africa or China. We only tout the best of a failing system of health care emulate. How very capitalistic of a socialist ideal. That's what sells it.

The first example comes from my own profession in Great Britain. A woman fell into a terrible post partum depression. Despite A. Beck's evidenced based research that medication AND cognitive behavioral therapy work better than either one or the other alone and also better than doing nothing at all, she was determined too ill to benefit from psychotherapy. She went to the bottom of an 18 MONTH waiting list to get psychotherapeutic treatment. This was determined by a medical review board that functions to make treatment decisions. They are a function of the government NHI plan in Great Britain.

The tragic outcome of this sorry decision making was that the woman deteriorated to the point where she needed long term institutionalization and even more unfortunate was the eventual need to subject her to electroconvulsive therapy to due the extremely agitated and highly suicidal quality of her depression. that could have been avoided with psychotherapy.  This was printed in the British Journal Of Psychiatry.

A situation I personally know of is that of a Canadian citizen who in about 1996 blew out three lumbar vertebrae. I mean, destroyed the discs with near crippling pain. She was told that she could not have any surgery until she was actually unable to walk by the National Health Service. By then, severe nerve damage would continue to develop that would result in a life time of chronic pain. This is a person who would be in chronic pain anyway, but this plan of care resulted in unnecessary misery and further permanent debilatation.

I had an interesting conversation with some medical personel at the WPATH International Symposium this past year. They were from an European Union country and were explaining how superior their health care system was because they paid for gender reassignment therapy. They seemed quite proud to tell us about their 900 patient waiting list for the surgery itself after qualifying for it. Ok, I did the math on this. Based on the average of 5 a week, I came up a 4.5 year waiting list to have the surgery. I used the number of 5 based on doing surgery three days a week, scheduling six a week and bumping one due to complications during surgery at least once a week. I factored in time off for vacation and travel for professional activities. I factored in three week days in clinic and not in surgery for preop visits, consultations and post op care.

Here in the U.S. a number of private insurances are funding more and more transsexual services. the average wait to have surgery is 6 to 9 months depending on the surgeon. Who wants to throw three years of their life away waiting to have their surgery and be whole?

Lastly, please recognize that Canada's national health care system has dropped coverage for gender reassignment surgery in some provinces due to their system collapsing under the costs their system requires. Also, please remember that even Candada's Premeir came to the U.S. for open heart surgery because in their system of care, there wasn't anyone he wanted operating on him. If that is the one of the shining examples of excellence in health care that the leader of a great nation has to seek health care outside of his country, then this example is highly tarnished.

Cis Privilege and Trans Privilege

Coming home from my own therapy session with Dana, I began to think about Cis privilege and Trans privilege. I really can't tell you what made this come to mind. I'm usually fairly reflective after a session, but today I was rockin' out on the way home. I was listening to Derek and the Dominos, the Rolling Stones and the Red Hot Chili Peppers on the radio going home, so I can't really say I was focused on anything particular. I was thinking about what I had written on male and female privilege earlier and that is what triggered this line of thought.

We are all aware of what Cis privilege means as people who are transsexuals. Cis privilege means that you never have to worry about how someone might react to your presence in various situations of which we are all familiar. We might not be afforded the privilege of our true gender identity even when we are going about our lives as the gender we really are. It is possible that we might not be considered to be who we are. As a result, we could possibly be deprived of the privileges of the gender of our identity. It doesn't happen very frequently anymore, but I am sensitive to that discrimination when I sense it could be a real possibility. I most often pass along life seamlessly. Either people don't know I'm a transsexual and see me as a woman who was assigned at birth or they are polite and well mannered people who understand that I am just another woman, though my life history may be apparent. That is immaterial to me. I expect to be treated like a lady. That almost always happens now. (I am thankful!)

The present vogue of conceptualizing everything as a "continuum" such as autism, gender identity and sexual orientation dictates that we look at male privilege and female privilege as a continuum too. Taking it a step farther, the predicate is that there is a continuum of Cis privelege and Trans privilege. I think the majority of us would have a pretty hard time of thinking of what in the world Trans privilege might be. I have, for the past 5 hours. My experience is that of becoming the woman publicly as opposed to being the woman I have always known I was. I can only comment on my own observations of what Trans privilege might be and I would really encourage your comments to add to this to help me on my thoughts on the topic.
I found this on an image search, it is from transachanism.com:

It fails to factor in any reference of female privilege or trans privilege, so it fails the test of modern conceptualization of health and social problems. It does not represent a true continuum. It appears to be a representation of third wave feminist sociopolitical ideology.
So what might trans privilege include? Well as I mentioned, I am female. So, I thought of these things. Most of them are things I view as a loss in life, but females assigned at birth would most likely say: You never had a period. You never were able to/ got pregnant, give birth or nurse your baby.You didn't grow up in fear of being raped or beaten or otherwise abused. (Oh yes. Some of us did, indeed). You weren't discouraged from a professional career and you most likely did not experience discrimination in getting a job or promotion (until we lived as who we truly are).


This is an example of what Cisgender privilege looks like sometimes to members of the transsexual community. I try to keep in mind that Freud himself once said "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". Here is another:



We see this from feminists like Janice Raymond and Mary Daily.




 Is it? What do you think?

Updates to the Website

I just wanted to make you all aware of some good blogs I've added to my list of blogs I follow. Several have to do with wives of male to female transsexuals: The Transgentle Wife; Transmarried, Transgender Couple and Happy About It;  and Yes, She is My Husband. I hope that you will take time to consider the viewpoint of our wives who walk by our sides through this journey. It's easy to forget that they go through as much stress as we do, even when things seem to be going well in the transition process. Those who read my blog who are married to women like me, I hope will find resources of support and inspiration for their lives and relationships.

The other blog I have added has to do with the reconciliation of the Christian church to people who are trans, repairing the past hurts and embracing them to the body of Christ. It's called TransEpiscopal.

I hope you will enjoy these blogs too.