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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Further Along....... Standing At the Crossroads


It’s the perfect storm. I couldn't have seen it all playing out like this. Perhaps that is the way that all transitions happen. One can plan it all one wants. Then come events that remove all of your carefully made plans. The situation becomes fluid. Having spent a lot of time planning (or ruminating??) how this was going to be done on my terms have gone out the window. I am left with the bare bones of  what I am going to say. It just wasn’t under the circumstances of my choice and my alternative plan isn’t firmed up. I’ve been working out the details of that.

In one confluence of family, work, marriage and friends, the time to come out has become now. I had planned it for after the first of the year when I got my performance evaluation. That has gone out the window because of a potential reassignment in job duties that I don't wish to do and impacts my practice with individuals and long standing groups, particularly my ability to provide services to transsexual and transgender patients. I have built my trans practice to being one of the largest in Virginia and I have developed more health care services under one “roof” than any other health care system. This allows us to improve the quality of care for all my patients because of the ease of communication and coordination of services. Presently we offer mental health counseling, substance abuse treatment, psychiatric services, aesthetic dermatology, primary care, gynecology, endocrinology and voice therapy.

So it appears Friday will be the day when I sit down with my bosslady and inform her that I am transitioning and wish to do so at work. This will probably take her off guard, but because I am  being forced to perform clinical services in that I have no interest in nor desire to provide, it appears that this would be the time to inform her where things stand with me. I would prefer not to leave where I work because I have a lot of time and effort involved in creating the program we have there, but if not, then I do have a couple of options that appear to be a better alternative than not transitioning.

The other factor that has moved things forward so rapidly have to do with conflict within my wife’s family. Because of that, she and I no longer see a reason to be who I am not in front of them. These events have been very painful and have nothing to do with who I am as they have not become aware. This is also about to change. I have drafted and am polishing a letter to them informing them of what I am doing. Either they accept me for who I am, or I really won’t be bothered too much by not sharing a life with them on any level, as I’ve always felt like an outsider and not especially welcome by a number of them. That isn’t true of all of them though. I think that most of the ones who have made me feel like family will be ok with this, though I can’t be sure.

Having helped people transition over the last 19 years has helped me prepare for this day. It does nothing to help me with the experience of fear and anxiety, whether it is well founded or overly magnified in my mind.

The reason I share this with you at this time is because I am a genuine person and I want you to know that the fear I am experiencing is a normal part of the transitioning process. There comes a time when one has to face their fears over transitioning. Even if you have completed most aspects of the transition, when it comes down to your livelihood and how it affects the ones you live and their financial security, it is going to be terribly anxiety provoking. However, I do know that as in all the other scary things I have faced and losses I have weathered and survived, this too will pass. On the other side, no matter what happens Friday awaits freedom and serenity.

I will be sure to let you know the outcome of Friday’s meeting, though it may take a few days before I will be able to put what happens into words.

I want to thank all of you for the support I have gotten over the years from so many. I am grateful for the love, caring and support I have gotten and I am thankful so many have found what I write to be interesting enough to spend some of your time reading.

8 comments:

  1. Sherry, Don't get yourself into a state by stressing on this. I am most definitely suspecting that your boss probably already knows or suspects unless she is blind to what is going on in front of her.If you have managed to organize the clinical practice as you have indicated then she must know about it at least somewhat. As for your family I am sorry to hear about the ones who don't or can't accept this...by only advice is simpple...if they have a problem with your gender change then it is exactly that THEIR problem not yours. Simply let them know and carry on with all the rest. Be proud of what you have become and done, don't let small minds dictate how you should be and act. No one has any affect on what you do or are unless you chose to let them Dont't buy into the guilt trip they are trying to lay down on you. Everyone walks their own path and I am certain that they have problems of their own that they would rather not have discussed in open. You have chosen to do so and for that you should be praised not condemned. If others disparge you it is something done and effects you only with your consent.

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  2. Thank you Jinian, I find it very helpful to talk about my fears and that helps me recenter myself too. Support from wonderful people such as you goes miles and miles too!

    hugs, Sherri

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  3. Good luck, Sherri Lynne. I'm sure you have helped many others through this. You are a strong and insightful woman and you will prevail in getting through this. Best wishes.

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  4. Hi Sherri,
    I would guess no matter how many folks you counsel...it doesn't matter at your own crunch time.
    Although I do not know you personally, you know I have tremendous respect for your knowledge.
    My crystal ball is always quite dim but looking at your accomplishments as a trans woman so far...this all will be such a positive move for you when it's done...Even if you have to go back to plan b or even c!
    Best wishes! You will do well!!!!
    Cyrsti

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  5. I am very sure that there will be many who have walked this road and ones who look on at the journey to come are rooting for you. Hope all goes well tomorrow

    Becca

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  6. I am with Jinian on this...following your blog always led me to believe this was going to happen sooner than later. And also that you ready to become liberated, free...time to get on with your life!
    Best wishes always!
    Traci O'Gara

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  7. I'm getting to a place of peace about this.... It will all be ok, even though it might be scary. In all of this, please remember that our fear is often so much worse than the outcome of which we dread. I'm filled with gratitude for the outpouring of support I'm getting. I'm so thankful to have so many people who care about me!

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  8. You'll do just fine...
    Best wishes always!
    Traci O'Gara

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