Virginia makes it easier to "Let Mama Drive" (from Trailer Bride's song of the same name)

On April 24th 2012 a new regulation to protect our freedoms as transsexuals went into effect. The Commonwealth of Virginia has simplified  the process of getting your gender marker changed on your drivers license to reflect your gender identity. In a landmark policy change, the Commonweath of Virginia has amended it's regulation so that an individual may have their gender marker changed to reflect one's gender identity without regard to a time frame when one anticipates having a surgical procedure. Indeed, one may not even be on Hormonal Reassigment chemotherapy to qualify to have her gender marker changed. Prior to the enactment of the new regulation, one had to be within 18 months of a planned surgery.
This new regulation has untold value for us and is such a leap forward for the Commonwealth of Virginia in becoming one of the states with cutting edge policy in protecting Transsexuals' rights on Aril 24th 2012. It is a powerful tool to ensure our rights are protected just as anyone else enjoys as a citizen of the Commonweath. It opens up a tremendous number of opportunities for us if we are
willing to experience new challenges. No longer will be we subject  to discrimination for using the appropriate bathroom publicly. Your identification supports your use of the appropriate bathroom legally. It also is a passport to a new job or career, or simply going back to school.

Here is the release that I got yesterday from the Virginia Trans Health Initiative, another agency of the Commonwealth. It has the link to get the Commonwealth of Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles to obtain the proper form.

"Virginia embraces a SIMPLE mechanism for changing one’s gender marker on a driver’s license. As of April 25, 2012, the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) implemented a new, and much simpler, policy for changing one’s gender marker on a VA driver’s license.  Individuals can now use the Gender Change Request form, known as DL-17, which requires only a signature from a licensed provider, including a doctor, psychiatrist, nurse practitioner, social worker, or counselor attesting to the fact that the applicant is a patient of the provider and that the applicant’s “gender identity” is either female or male and “can reasonably be expected to continue as such for the foreseeable future.”  The form does not require proof of surgery or even proof that the applicant is engaged in hormone therapy.  Link to form:  http://www.dmv.state.va.us/webdoc/pdf/dl17.pdf 

Until now, the VA DMV policy required proof of sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) evidenced by a letter from a surgeon or a court order recognizing a gender change.  In most states, such a court order depends on proof of SRS.  This requirement made it very difficult for many individuals to obtain a VA identification card accurately reflecting their gender."

We are living in a time where we women of transsexual experience are being allowed to take our place in society on an equal level. It is early, things are not perfect, but we should also rejoice in the progress as we gather ourselves to identify the next significant human rights advance to be confronted.

HAPPY MOTORING!!                                               

Equilibrium

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is a basic law of physics and it applies to our emotional and physical health as well.


What we strive for is to live in balance in our life, but we don't always have control over the emotional upsets we endure, especially when they are unexpected.

Now I have returned to balance and I feel as I am back to my ususal self, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have not accomplished this on my own, as none of us live in a vacuum. I have had tremendous support from Patty, from my friends in our community, and from the intentional community from which I have been accepted and drawn strength.

I awoke a week before today in a sense of peace that I have not had since my mother's discovery of
who I am. Several events have contributed to this since I last shared with everyone what has been happening. Most important was Patty's talks with my Mom, the phone conversation my mama and I had when I was at work feeling my lowest, and finally just visiting with mama and dad. Even though they aren't ready to see me and talk to me, as I am, I do know it is a process and it takes time. I'm confident it will only get better with them.


It's time to take a while and reflect on what has been gained in this process and how to accomplish the last part of my pre GRS journey; to plan for my transition at work. Somehow, I can't believe it could be more stressful than my parent's accidental discovery of me, but then again, I've lived long enough to "never say never".

But I know to trust the process, that my own fear is my greatest impediment and let this last event to unfold and it will be ok......

The New Normal

I'm beginning to get a sense of the new normal. What has been changed is irrevocable. Something has been lost and much has been gained. It's still all such a shock how this came about that I feel stressed, tired and have really not quite integrated the whole experience of my parent's accidental discovery, though I could not have expected a better outcome.

Partly this has to do also with ongoing work stresses that are mounting as the drive for Obama Care pushes the system of medical economics towards its intended collapse so that the new order of health care can be established. (Please note this is not a political rant, just the experience of a front line health care provider. No political responses please). We are being told to see more patients because reimbursement from the government is being cut and that translates into the need to see more patients to keep operating.

 It slows my bouncing back from the highly emotionally charged experience of coming out to my parents in an unintended manner as the numbers of patients I am expected to see increases dramatically. This week I saw 46 patients in a 40 hour week. I owe this miracle of services rendered to my wonderful relapse prevention group that I look forward to running each week. There is no time for a break in a schedule such as this.
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Self care is the most important way to get back into balance. When one is under stress, good sleep hygiene is important, even crucial. If you can't get your sleep right, nothing else will follow. There are a lot of things one can do besides taking medications; one can listen to soothing music, practice meditation and progressive relaxation techniques. It is helpful to turn off the TV, not read, stay away from video games or anything that is stimulating for at least a half hour before bedtime.

Another important aspect of managing extreme stress is to pay careful attention to your nutrition. Be sure you are eating a very healthy diet. Cut down on caffeine. Adding vitamin supplements, especially B complex vitamins and fish oil supplements are really important to reduce or avoid depression, as is vitamin D and it's subclass of D vitamins D1, D2 and D3. The D vitamin complex is fat soluable as is E and A. Do not exceed recommended doses unless instructed to by your physician becaiuse while water soluable vitamins wash out of your body quickly, the A, D and E vitamins accumulate in fatty tissues and can be toxic if overconsumed.

Getting exercise is also important. You don't have to go to the gym and spend hours working out. Taking a brisk walk for 20 to 40 minutes can do wonders. If you have health concerns, again please consult your physician before starting a program of exercise.

For those of you of faith, practicing it actively is very helpful. Those who are not of faith can practice meditation and that  can be equally helpful as well.

If you have practiced these suggestions and after a period of two to three weeks and you feel no improvement, please consider speaking with a therapist or a medical doctor. They can help you with objective feedback and perhaps medication if necessary. Many times medications are not necessary, but they can be very helpful, particularly if you are prone to anxiety and/ or depression.
While I take this time to regather my inner resources, it is also a time of preparing for the final task. Transitioning at work or accepting that this place of long term employment may not be what will work in the future and I am considering alternatives that might require relocating.
One Day at a Time, as a successful self help program advocates is the way to approach difficulties in life.  As I regroup, I am planning to present my intention to transition at work to my employer in the not so distant future. This, to me seems like a much more straightforward proposition. Either they agree and support my plan, or I remain as I am for the short duration in order to secure a position where I can work as who I am. Fortunately, I have some ideas and irons in the fire to handle such a circumstance if it were to arise. While I would much rather stay where I am and continue to build on the successes of the Transgender Health Care program I have created, I am also quite open to a new avenue of exploration of career opportunities, hopefully in the Southeast U.S. where transgender health care resources are more scarce, not that there isn't a great need all over the U.S., it just seems to be more acute in the sunny south. I like the climate and I am at home there.

So in a couple of weeks, I intend to go forward with my plan to present to management. I had hoped to accomplish this by last November, but 3 and a half months off my plan isn't such a bad delay considering that the one thing I dreaded most is done, over and mainly successful, though not perfect.

That's more than "good enough" for me.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

 

In my last post, I wrote about the accidental outing to my parents and my feelings of fear and despair, over the pain that my parents were experiencing, while also worrying about what would become of our relationship. It was extremely difficult emotionally and even now as the dust settles I am still regathering myself as I adjust to the "new normal" in my relationship with them.

I have to thank Patty for helping all of us through this experience for what she has done to repair their shock about finding out about my true gender. She's been so instrumental in helping us preserve our relationship as parent and adult child, as much as helping me overcome my own fear of the sense of  potential loss of my relationship with them.

I think that between the information I have shared with them about transsexuals before they found out and Patty's explanation of what life has been like for me over the years and that our relationship remains solid has led them to acceptance of my own female identity, though they are not ready to talk about it directly with me.

For me, the turning point came the other day when Patty called my mom and explained to her how upset I was over this and she shared with her about my fear of being disowned, as they are the only family I have. She explained to her that I was having a very difficult time at work. Mom asked Patty to tell me to call her so she could reassure me that I was still their child and I wasn't going to lose my relationship with them.

I called mom and she expressed this to me which was a tremendous relief. It felt like the dam had broken and all the fear and emotional pain I was in came flooding out and leaving me, though I have still been quite emotional over the past few days.

My hope is that I will be able to explain at some point why I have to transition and that they will accept this and embrace me. That is going to take awhile to come about, but the main thing is that I will no longer live in fear of the accidental discovery when I am out on the property or if they should see me leaving the house when they go to get their mail. This was the most burdensome of secrets that I have carried throughout my life. I now feel so much more free than I ever have before.

Is it ideal now? No, but it is so much better and that is enough for today.

Aside from this important step in transitioning being accomplished,  there was another silver lining in this dark cloud experience. I am astounded and once more humbled by the tremendous outpouring of love and support from all of you during this terribly difficult experience. It was because of Patty and all of you that I was able to get through all of this and come out on the other side in one piece.
For all of that, THANK YOU! I love all of you too! Tonight I am a happy woman.


Sherri Lynne

Free Falling

It's been a good run. Over 45 years. It all came to an end quite accidentally, when my mother found one of my business cards for my consulting company, Excellence in Transgender Care (E.I.T.C.) that also has my picture and my last name. There was no mistaking that this was me.  She found this on Monday, and called Patty Tuesday to ask about it. She hadn't been able to sleep that night and was crying while she spoke to my wife on Tuesday. Patty reassured her that she and I are fine, that she is OK with me and she knew about me and that I had a lot of support from my own therapist Dana. 

Patty called me at work and told me to sit down, she had bad news for me and told me what had happened. I was not really prepared to hear this, but was able to continue to be professional and see my last three patients, without any clue that I was upset about this development. It was not the way I would have chosen for my parents to find this out about me and, in fact, have been working in my own therapy on how to go about informing them specifically.

This was also Valentines Day. I had brought cards for Patty from me and the dogs and cats (they each sent a card to her), and I had a card from both of us to Mama. Patty suggested I call her and see if she wanted to talk, but I felt that it would be best to do this on the weekend when I could talk to her alone and without my father who suffers from moderate dementia.

I did want to take her the card from us I had gotten and asked Patty to go with me. I waited a bit to settle down and then called and asked if I could bring her card up to her. She began to cry and told me no. So there was an awkward  silence as I was actually quite stunned that she would not just want me to bring her card to her. So I just said goodbye and told her I loved her. She just said "Ok" and I hung up.

My heart was broken of course over this turn of events. In my two worlds, having worked with families of transgender patients for years, I know how often this scenario ends badly, but often it can work out very well too. The key to a positive outcome seems to lie in allowing parents to work out the emotional trauma that comes along with an unexpected discovery. It's so hard for a parent to realize that they thought they knew this child of theirs who they raised and launched and seen their successes and failures in life, only to discover they really didn't know such an important part of who their child is. They wonder if they ever really knew this child at all. Make no mistake, this is a tremendous loss for most parents and they deserve compassion in order to make sense of this and regain the wholeness of their relationship with their child, if at all possible.

Now they begin the grieving process and go through the stages of grief that Elizabeth Kubler- Ross defined in the late 1970's. In her seminal work, she out lines this process as:         

1. Shock and Denial: Sometimes this manifests as a feeling of surrealism or a factual belief that what is happening isn't or that it can't be true.

2. Anger: This can be directed towards the person or situation that created the perception of  loss, whether it is a death, the loss of an ideal, or can just be a feeling about the situation that really isn't attached to any specific aspect that the person can identify.

3. Bargaining: This can be seen in situations where the person attempts to strike a deal in an attempt to make the painful situation go away and is closely related to the denial process.

4. Depression: During this stage, the process involves losing the cherished ideal of someone or of a situation and despair sets in. In this situation, my parents will never see me again as they once had and are experiencing the loss in an exquisitely painful way. Sometimes people are never able to move past this process in their grief.

5. Acceptance: This comes about when the person is able to reconcile themself to this new concept of how things will be from here on out. It is the healing that comes about from moving through this process and being willing to create a new relationship with the person in the situation. Again, some people are never able to achieve this resolution of what has occurred.

We have to be mindful that people will often move back and forth between these stages as a part of their grieving and that is quite normal. Sometimes people skip some stages and others may never even resolve the first state of this process.

We also must be mindful that people resolve their grief not on our time frame, but their own and we need to be sensitive to that.

When one comes out to someone with such a close relationship, especially not at the time and field of our choosing, we also go through this process. It would be nice to be able to say, "Well OK, it's done and over", but that isn't reality for most of us in these situations. We need to find as much support as we can find for ourselves during this time and we need to really do a super job of taking care of ourselves. That means we need to pay careful attention to our nutrition, don't skip meals even if you don't want to eat. If you can't eat very much, please be sure to supplement with vitamins, especially B vitamins, as they are rapidly depleted when one is going through a crisis. Getting the proper rest is crucial and if one isn't able to sleep, I would advise you to seek medical help because if you can't get your sleep hygiene right, nothing else is going to get better very quickly.

One of the things that is helping me is the tremendous outpouring of love and support I am getting from you, my readers and from members of the transgender community across the country. Please know that I am greatly comforted by this and I'm so grateful and also humbled that there are so many people who care about me. I'm also fortunate to have Patty to lean on and my professional friends and colleagues here who know about me at my hospital. I also am getting tremendous Pastoral care from the clergy of my church who are in daily contact, and of course, Dana too.

I am realistic about this situation. It will be resolved one way or another. While my experience is that many times there are sad and even tragic outcomes with family members, there are many many very happy outcomes as well, even though the process to get there seems bleak at times before it works out successfully and I've learned from my practice that this may take a long time to occur.

Although I am in tremendous emotional pain at the moment, I do know that I will be OK and that what ever way this works out, it will be for the best and my life will be better.  That's the thing about my walk through these two worlds; while I am a well seasoned therapist and have worked with people on these situations, having lived it myself makes me an infinitely better psychotherapist, and all my patients will benefit from this experience, not just my transgender patients. It's one of the gifts I'm being given.

Becoming One: Within and Without

This past summer after an extremely moving experience I shared with one of my sisters in small town New Jersey, one Sunday, I discovered a community of intention and have been meeting with them on an ongoing basis. I have made some new friendships that are nurturing and sustaining.

      

                                                                                                                                                                   

Today we met and sought insights as to how we can, as an intentional community, reach out to more people in many more ways. We looked at our strengths and we discussed our challenges to create and realize such a vision.

Over the past several weeks, I have been coming to terms with something from long ago that was never resolved that frustrates me and leaves me confused wondering why it can occupy space in my mental and emotional life sometimes. Not every day and not necessarily all day either, but enough that it bears examination.

One of the things my community does is takes me out of that space and restores my sense of well being, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It does this by allowing me to feel connected to other people who as I get to know, I grow to care about.

These people accept me and want me to be with them, listen to what I say, allow me to listen to them and show that I care too. It has created a space where I don't need to think about gender. I can just be.

Many people speak of feeling less than, or "otherized" as I like to call it; not having a sense of belonging, or of less than equal worth. There is none of that in my community. It is a place I can be me. Simply just be me.

Some of us find ourselves along the way and experience that serenity, some of us don't. I'd argue that this is really what it is about, not a gender identity, male or female or whatever number of genders you may opine to exist. That is not what matters, really. What matters is that one can be who one is, be accepted as one is, without thought or pretense about where you fall on a binary or continuum.

Within ourselves we have to cultivate the level of self acceptance that when someone meets us or when we are a member of a community, we don't worry ourselves to death about the level of acceptance we are experiencing and how we are identified by others or how we identify ourselves.

Instead, in my community, we are focusing on how to strengthen each other as we reach out to be of service and comfort to those who find themselves disenfranchised and seek a hand up. We want that open hand to be there for each other and for those who have need.

These are the more and more frequent things I am experiencing in my life. They are nurturing me and giving me more opportunities to live in service to others, as I have always striven to do my whole life.

My wish for those of you who share a similar life journey, whether it be my walk in two worlds, or one, or even multiples of worlds, is that you too will find more and more experiences in life that allow you to just be in the moment, without thought about who you are or how you think others think about who you are.

                                    

Affirming Life's Positive Moments

I could go on and on about the things in my life that aren't the way that suit. I've done that here already in other posts. Then a few days come along that allow me to know that my life is much better than it used to be and makes me think about how good things are for people who have the life experiences I have had. The past few days have been like that. One thing that makes my life different is that I have no relationships with other women of my experience in the local area. That has much to do with where I live and my daily schedule. My friends who share the experiences that I have experienced all live in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, metro D.C. and Ohio. I only get to see them a few times a year. I wish that I could see them more often but that really isn't possible at this particular time in my life.

Many women of my experience most often write about the terrible things that have happened to them or are happening. To be sure, some of the things that I have gone through in my life have left indelible scars. Sometimes wounds get reopened when I least expect it. Moving past those things requires a lot of spiritual discipline, something I have not perfected. I work hard to improve my spiritual condition which in turn, allows the wounds to heal and for me to experience a more joyful life. It also makes it less likely that I will be retraumatized.

 It also takes my willingness to seek help from people such as my therapist Dana and my pastors, Ann, Heather, and Jim.  Caroline Tammermand, Michelle Alexander, and Nicole Amie have a real handle on spiritual growth and truly inspire me to look beyond the things that are unhappy in our lives and in my own life. They all help me focus on the the things and experiences that are uplifting. Christina Lang has been a sister to me almost  as long as I have been on the internet.  I have some other women I am close to who have been wonderful supports and are dear to me too. I won't name them all because I wouldn't want to hurt one of them by overlooking them. Please know that you are all cherished dearly and deeply.

 Most important to me is Patty. Without her and her love and support, my life would be empty. She is such a positive and spiritual woman that she truly inspires me and I admire her so much! How I wish I were more like her!

The past few days have been what I wish life were everyday.  On Wednesday, I went to voice therapy and the two speech and language pathology therapists always make me feel like any other woman they might be working with.

 I was supposed to go to a workshop yesterday morning, but it was icy and I decided that discretion was the better part of valor. Later in the day I did go out to go shopping to get some things I needed. I went to get my new glasses and an older woman waited on me to fill my prescription. Because of my medical information it was more clear what my life had been in the past than I would have cared to have revealed. She was so kind and complimentary to me. She gave me the gift of not "otherizing" me.  She enquired as to my work as part of helping me select the lenses that would help me the best.
 She told me that she thought that I must be very good at my career which made me feel really good. She also said she thought I was very photogenic (she used a computer imaging system to make sure that the lenses were centered correctly), which was very flattering to someone who is not always as comfortable with her beauty as she should be (Because every woman is beautiful in her own way, but she often doesn't recognize it). It wasn't something she had to say. It wasn't a matter of salesmanship. It was a sincere compliment from her heart. It made me feel like any other woman who might have come in for a new pair of glasses.

I had some time to spend before picking up my new glasses, so I.... went shopping! Belk had a fabulous sale going on and I had been wanting a ruffled cardigan sweater that I had my eye on for quite a while, like since before Christmas! So I scored that, and of course, there is the inevitable. I ended up buying two dresses and some hose. What can I say? They were on sale!!!! Look at all the money I saved! I admit, I love shopping and I love to be stylish, but I always find what I like at a bargain! Patty says I'm the best power shopper she knows! (At least I didn't buy any shoes, but I did look!).

The saleswoman I was working with helped me with the dressing room when I tried on my dresses. We chatted about the nasty weather and she complimented my diamond and the color of my top which I shared that I had gotten there and I admired her beautiful silver Chandelier earrings. We chatted about designers we like, she told me she liked Ruby Road and Rafaella, which I like and I shared that I love Donna Morgan dresses and I wish that Belk would carry more of her dresses. I also told her I liked Evan Picone fashions too!

Today I went to church. I felt disappointed because I had missed a workshop on Discernment that I wanted to attend. Today's experience made up for having to miss yesterday's workshop. I was quite touched spiritually today. As the service began, it began to snow these great big, wonderful, beautiful snow flakes! This was so totally unexpected and not in the forecast! During some of the hymns and parts of the liturgy, my attention drifted to the windows to watch this beautiful pure white snow begin to trim the deeply rich green of the magnolia outside. It lifted my spirit and I felt warm and at home feeling the love of the congregation that we all have for each other and for those who are of different faiths or no faith at all, and for the reconciliation of those who are not of any faith or belief as well as those who believe differently. We shared about being penitent about our anger towards those who have even harmed us in some way. We talked about learning how to demonstrate that penitence publicly.

After the service, I have gotten into staying for coffee and the adult education class after that. I have been enjoying that so much since I finally got up the courage to stop being shy and go!   <<Rolls her eyes at herself!! and smiles miles sheepishly>> I am making so many new friends with women there. They are so welcoming and embracing. I can see the possibility of becoming close friends with several of them. Pastor Heather gave me a book for Christmas on women of the Bible who exemplify the best attributes of friendships between women. This is the sort of growth that I have been seeking. Coincidentally, in February, there will be a workshop on this topic and I am so looking forward to this time to learn more about myself.

You know, what I came away with this weekend, that was so powerful in my healing and growth? I didn't have to think about the ever looming issue of "GENDER" when one is in transition, seems too often in the forefront of one's mind. It just didn't happen. I didn't wonder about those negative self  doubts and what someone might be thinking of me or about me. I was just free to be! I was just totally present in what I was doing in the moment.

I also reflected that the vast majority of my experiences have been really positive. There have been some bad experiences on rare occasions. Really though, I almost always experience the exact opposite of what I am afraid of. Looking back on my life, I have to say, growing up one way was tremendously worse than living this way. The lessons? Learn to be still  and listen. Learn to trust yourself.

What a WONDERFUL feeling! I feel free.

My Wife's Response to The Long and Winding Road....

My wife wrote this in an email to me about the most recent blog. With her permission, I have posted it here. Please understand that our relationship remains strong. It is very hard for our wives, girlfriends and partners to come to grips with the transition, even in the case where the wife knew since the beginning of the relationship, as is true of us. She is having to go through a tremendous adjustment and I don't think we can ever take too lightly what we ask of them. The fact that she chooses to remain with me is a testament to her character. If you choose to leave a comment in response the only thing I would ask is be respectful to her and recognize that despite the deep emotional pain she has experienced over my decision. She loves me deeply and remains strongly committed to our relationship.         

"I read your blog and found it heart wrenching. I know the desire to
transition is so strong that it begins to absorb the TG person. It
becomes the focus of your life. The focus of your day. The reason for
getting up in the morning. It literally sucks the life out of you.You
lose the ability to define your "self" anymore. Everything you do, think
or wish for seems to be an extension of this central theme. If you
spend the better part of your life in this isolated place it seems to
me that you begin to disappear. Once the transition is complete you are
suddenly like an alien that has just landed on earth without an
instruction book or map. I picture it as suddenly waking up after being
in a coma and realizing that life went on without your involvement or
"presence" and you just can't believe how things have changed in the
time you were "unconscious." You literally have to start over with
just the shirt on your back in a place you don't recognize. The grief must
be overwhelming when you realize you "missed" so much of your
life.

I can't begin to understand your feelings and I don't have your
level of education or understanding on this cruel trick of nature.I
stand by holding on as best I can.I go about my days doing what needs
to be done .I am trying to adjust to the losses that I am
experiencing. {My husband} seems to have been replaced by someone else when I
wasn't looking. It's a twilight zone of sorts because you are looking
out at the same things I am but with a whole different purpose and
perception.You see something I can't see and I see something you can't
see.We stumble around trying our best to make sense of what the other
sees and feels.I love you but I admit I am lonely and afraid. I know
you have felt the same way for a lot longer than I have. It would be
great if we could find a place we both recognize as "our" place. I know
there is a way. I will always love you."

The Long and Winding Road: After the Bell Goes Off

Many of us go through life sitting on the fence about transitioning for years        before we do it. We know who we are, we just aren't sure what we want and/ or need to do about it.

 As Bob Dylan wrote, "Some of us turn off the lights and we live in the moonlight shooting by. Some of us scare ourselves to death in the dark to be where the angels fly..." There are those of us who desperately know what they want, but are so filled with fear over what the implications of recognizing their transsexuality means and what is necessary to resolve the situation that they are paralyzed and live in a state of denial for many years, only to realize much later in life what they must do. Many among us call that "The bell rang or the bell went off". There are those of us for who the bell rang immediately when they realized their female identity and plunge ahead. For some of those people, they intuitively made the right choice. Then there are those who jump in only to find somewhere down the road that they made all the wrong decisions. So they took steps that are irreversible and live with painful regrets. This isn't to say they don't have a feminine identity, but for various reasons they conclude they made a terrible mistake and might not be transsexual.
Various studies indicate that the vast majority of us will never have GRS. The reasons are myriad. Some will never be able to come up with the money and will live in that in between state for the rest of their lives. Others simply have commitments that mean more to them than having GRS, though they dearly desire to be complete. Then there are those whose health is too poor to undergo these procedures, and there are as many reasons true transsexuals cannot fully transition as there are those who choose not to or are unable, too numerous to name here.
Years ago, in my internet searches about information that I could use to help myself, I came across an article written by an anonymous woman who has gone through transition and GRS. I'm not sure I agree with every single thing she said, but from my own personal experience and of the transgender people I've treated or met, I think that there is much wisdom in her article. It is quite lengthy. She makes the point that you either are a woman or you are not. That isn't the question though. The question is: Did your bell go off? I think that is an important insight. If your bell hasn't rung, she believes you should not transition and if it has gone off you will have no choice.
I remember vividly the day my bell rang. It wasn't, as the anonymous author notes, a joyous occasion. My life had been dedicated to not having to do this and I gave it one hell of a shot. I can look back at my football career. When I was 13 I went to preseason practices with the varsity and practiced with them until the J.V.'s started after school began. I got the living hell beat out of me until my freshman year when I lettered on the varsity team the first time, the only one in my class who played on the varsity team. From my sophmore year on, I started both ways on offense and defense. It was great cover for me, or so I pretended.
 Later, I would go on to rock climbing, caving, and I even rode a bull several times. That was nothing but sheer stupidity trying to deny who I am and live that man's life. I lived wrecklessly and honestly should have been killed on at least 5 occasions. I lost my first marriage over this when it didn't go away as I had hoped. I, like so many others thought getting married would make it all go away.
On the day my bell rang, I had been treating transsexuals for 13 years. My thinking was, if I can't do this myself, at least I can help others so they wouldn't suffer any longer as we so often do and live their lives authentically, if that was their right path. Seven years earlier, my dear friend Gianna Israel who is no longer with us wrote me a referral letter for HRT but I didn't use it at the time. I wanted to get on hormones, but the bell hadn't rung yet. I knew it would come, though.  I had returned to therapy and my transsexualism was the reason for my return. I needed to figure out where I was going with all this. Six months into therapy, my bell rang and it rang loudly. I gathered my courage and called the gynecologist I have been referring to since my first male to female patient. I had been referring to her for all of those thirteen years and she was one of the biggest supporters of the work I was doing. I took three days after deciding I wanted to go on HRT to screw up my courage and then I called her. I vividly remember blurting out to her "Melinda, I just can't do this any more, I need your help." She had no idea that I was a transsexual myself, but she is very compassionate and told me, of course she would help. Then I had to go home and tell the person I love more than anyone or anything, more than life itself, what I had decided to do and what I had done about it. Our lives together have never been the same. That is the point of the writer's book.  There will be losses and some will be very painful losses. Be darn sure you are a transsexual before you make the decision to transition . You may possibly lose everything you hold dear. If you are a transsexual, it will be extremely difficult to transition and extremely difficult emotionally not to transition. There seem to be no winners here, at least in the short term to mid term. Recently, I made the comment to Dana, my own therapist, that I was every wife's nightmare. She's heard me make this statement several times and this time she said, "No you aren't. {your wife} loves you and is staying with you. Don't you know any other couples that stay together?" Yes, I do. Besides myself, I know my friend Christina and her wife are successfully working this through, not that it is very easy. I also thought of Christen and Nikki off the top of my head during that session. So, we are not every wife's nightmare.
 I do see a lot of happier women who undertake this rite of passage and successfully transition, but it seems to take a long time to get there from what I can see. Those who do survive the losses and the transition generally tell me they have some improved sense of peace and sense of self as complete and a better quality of life but they always seem to have a bittersweet quality to their lives as well. Others I have known have not fared so well at all.
Here's the link; it's worth the time it take to read it. As I said, I don't agree with all of it, but I think most of it rings true. It's something everyone who is seriously contemplating should read and reflect upon.

http://www.tgchatroom.com/wiki/index.php/So_You_Want_To_Be_a_T-Girl

2012 Don't Look Back (They Might Be Gaining on Ya')

Happy New Year everyone!                        

 I hope that no matter how difficult or how wonderful 2011 was, I hope that 2012 brings you all good things this year and to your loved one's as well.

I'm hoping for a much better year and am looking forward to a lot of changes for the good. Many of us make resolutions and plans for positive changes. Generally in years past I have not done much of that. It is the perfect time to make some changes and try to plan and anticipate what might happen in the next twelve months.

To that end, I am thinking of what the year will bring and what I would like to accomplish. I want to work on some health issues and have some medical appointments coming up. Most are not too serious, but it appears that I will need another cervical spine surgery in the near future to remove the plate that was used for my fusion in December of 2010. The first surgery was much more extensive than originally anticipated and was quite successful in relieving my pain. I have had serious difficulty in swallowing since and have had a lot of difficulty with weight loss. I've lost 25 lbs since the surgery. Up until the surgery, I, like most girls, was working on losing weight. Now it is quite a different story as I need to graze to keep my weight stable. This problem is caused either by the presence of the plate or nerve damage to the 10th cranial nerve. I'm hoping the removal of the plate will take care of the problem, but I'm not overly optimistic about it. I dread going through this again so soon (Here is the surgery you get, it's not the surgery you want) more because of it messing up my conference workshop schedule for the year than the surgery itself. I'm going to have to drop two conferences this year which I really hate to do. It will be a hit on my leave time as well. So aside from resolving my swallowing issue, I'm going to ask him to clean up whatever new damage he finds while he is in there. I have developed a problem on the right side of my shoulder, arm and hand.

I'm going to use the time off recouperating to work on the book I am writing on transgender care with the same theme of this blog; a therapist teaching other therapists and relating the transsexual phenomenon from this rare point of view. So that will be a good thing! The other downside to having to have this surgery will probably mean that I will have to delay my GRS and FFS that I wanted to have this coming December.

Other plans in the offing include the possibility of changing employment. I'm contemplating going to work for the Veterans Administration. The VA offers many attractive options for me. They pay significantly more than other mental health employers in the area, a better retirement benefit and an EEO policy that is trans inclusive that was newly implemented by the Obama administration this past year. There is a downside to leaving my present situation. I have been there 10 years and have a well established caseload with many long term patients that I have built a relationship with. Working for  the VA would preclude my continued work with them. Even more difficult for me is to end my work with the most comprehensive transgender health care program offered in Virginia that I created. I would not have the opportunity to help as many transgendered people directly as I do now if I am offered a position with the VA, although they are making great advances in providing treatment for transgendered veterans.

My other plans are more modest and are the kinds of things that most of us do; resolve to get more exercise, do more for others in terms of service work . That's one of the things that bugs me about not going to a couple conferences on my schedule; all the workshops I do are done as service work. I don't seek compensation for giving of my time and knowlege. The friends I have made through these opportunities has been greatly rewarding of itself. I've also resolved not to be such a harsh critic of myself. While there is always room for improvement, I don't really need to as hard on myself as I am at times. Partly, this is the result of being a victim of abuse over a fairly long period of time. One thing I have been working on in the last few years is forgiving the ones who abused me. This is not easily done, but I concluded several years ago that I needed to forgive them, not for them, for myself. For too many years I have carried too much anger with no where to direct it. I've made a lot of progress, there is still work to be done.

The last thing I have resolved is to make this a more fun year! I think that will be the best resolution of all! So what are your plans for 2012?