Did you know Gianna Israel? She was one of the most remarkable women I've ever met. I met Gianna before she met me, reading her columns in Transgender Tapestry. What she was writing about us and our lives was better than anything else I was reading about overcoming our struggles and how to overcome them, keep the people we love in our lives and to be happier in our affirmed gender.
I sent her an email and to my surprise and joy, she answered back. This was in 1996. I never think that people who have accomplished so much will have time to spend on me. I'm always wrong about that. Happens every time. Now, in some ways that is a pretty sad comment on how I feel about myself at times, but on the other hand, imagine how happy I am when someone of her stature writes back to me and even better, we become friends! That's the part I mainly end up thinking about.
Gianna and I wrote back and forth, then we started calling each other on the phone from time to time. I'll always remember her wonderfully hilarious sense of humor; once she had been complaining to me about her little dog, a Yorkie, for a while. Her dog was lavishing her affections on her roommate and ignoring Gianna, much to her disgust. She used to refer to that dog as "that farm animal" and was always talking about getting rid of it and getting another dog. I about rolled on the floor laughing the first time she called her a farm animal, and after that I always had to get updates on the farm animal!
One day she sent me a picture of the dog over the internet labeled "farm animal. jpg. When I opened it, there was this little dog sitting on the roasting pan in the oven surrounded by potatoes, onions and carrots looking at the camera with her little bright eyes and a doggie smile on her face! I just about died laughing and still laugh when I think about it today.
Another time I had been complaining about how long it took to shave my legs and body. She said she had something that really helped her speed up the process and sent me this picture of a disposable razor with three heads! She was just about the funniest woman I ever met.
As our friendship grew, we would call each other once or twice a month between our emails and I would call upon her to consult with me on my transgender patients when I had just started working with others, or just for some nice girl talk.
As a professional courtesy, she did my evaluation for HRT, but I didn't use it until 2006 due to my own fear and indecisiveness about whether to transition or not. I kept the letter all these years and used it for the doctor I was going to see originally, who I have been referring to over the past 15 years. I have that letter in my scrap book I am making and I cherish it.
What was the most interesting thing about Gianna, was that even though she had been a throw away transsexual street kid and never even earned her G.E.D., she was highly self educated and was one of the best gender scholars I have ever known. She wrote and edited the book Transgender Care as the principle author with Donald Tarver M.D. The book discusses in depth how to provide quality comprehensive services for transsexuals and proposed revisions and additional recommendations that informed the American Psychiatric Association and the World Professional Association of Transgender Health of which she was a member, (At the time of the publication of her book, this organization was still known as The Harry Benjamin Gender Dysphoria Association) on revisions to enhance the quality of lives for people uncomfortable with their assigned birth gender.
But what I admired most about Gianna was that she had the most remarkably kind attitude and love for life despite having been thrown out on the streets as a very young teenager, having to cope with a seizure disorder and was suffering from AIDS. She eventually succumbed to neurological complications while writing and editing another book on treating transgendered people that I was supposed to write a chapter for on family preservation.
When we lost Gianna on February 22nd, 2004, we lost a bright shining light of love and hope in our community. In my own little way, to honor her presence in my life and that I may never forget how much she meant to me as a friend, I still keep her name and phone number on my cell phone as it gives me a reminder of who she was and of our friendship.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Rules for the Road (How To Be Happier in Life and Have More Friends)
After having read several blogs this week that provoked much spirited conversation and a really good conversation with a blog writer, this morning I came up with some rules for the road in life. I think if I will apply them to myself I will be a happier person and perhaps just a little more persuasive when I post an opinion blog (versus a personal triumph or agony blog).
1. Celebrate Diversity: All Diversity I want mine celebrated too. It's better to give than to receive but receiving feels pretty good too. So if I want mine to be respected and included, it would be best that I be mindful of others' views and beliefs. Don't have to agree or like them, but be respectful.
2. Be Tolerant: Remember this mathmatical representation: I/E (read "I over E") When I choose intellect over emotion in discussing my beliefs that oppose someone else's. This allows me to have an exchange with someone and probably learn something I might not have considered.
3.Don't Deliberately Provoke People: I don't need to go in for the kill when I see someone's sensitivity on any issue or opinion.
4. Be thoughtful: If I make a statement, I need to be able to back it up with some research. I'm always embarrased when I come out with a strong opinion when I later find out I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I think I would rather shut up and look ignorant than be proved to be ignorant.
5. Be Friendly: Even if someone is expressing some idea or philosophical belief that absolutely makes me want to gag, I'm going to try to find something I like about that person.
6. Be Sensitive; I don't know what private or not so private hells someone else went through and unless I've had a conversation about where I've been in my life with someone they don't know the private and not so private hells that I have been through.
7. Be Prompt in saying I'm sorry: Really. I need to do this when I hurt some one's feelings or unintentionally make them angry and as soon as possible, be it privately or publicly.
8. Be Gracious: Forgive and forget. This one can be just for me and no one else. I can be selfish about this. When I forgive, whether the other person tells me they are sorry or not, I feel better, I am not carrying a resentment that only makes me feel emotionally hung over.
9. Be Kind: Reach out to someone when I see them hurting, whether I like them very much or not at all. Even if I can't do anything else, I can at least listen which sometimes is the best thing to do. I also don't have to come up with a solution. Sometimes one just needs to vent their pain/ frustration.
10. Post This Where I Can See It: I think I probably should review this once or twice a week, if not every day. I can be forgetful of my own values at times.
1. Celebrate Diversity: All Diversity I want mine celebrated too. It's better to give than to receive but receiving feels pretty good too. So if I want mine to be respected and included, it would be best that I be mindful of others' views and beliefs. Don't have to agree or like them, but be respectful.
2. Be Tolerant: Remember this mathmatical representation: I/E (read "I over E") When I choose intellect over emotion in discussing my beliefs that oppose someone else's. This allows me to have an exchange with someone and probably learn something I might not have considered.
3.Don't Deliberately Provoke People: I don't need to go in for the kill when I see someone's sensitivity on any issue or opinion.
4. Be thoughtful: If I make a statement, I need to be able to back it up with some research. I'm always embarrased when I come out with a strong opinion when I later find out I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I think I would rather shut up and look ignorant than be proved to be ignorant.
5. Be Friendly: Even if someone is expressing some idea or philosophical belief that absolutely makes me want to gag, I'm going to try to find something I like about that person.
6. Be Sensitive; I don't know what private or not so private hells someone else went through and unless I've had a conversation about where I've been in my life with someone they don't know the private and not so private hells that I have been through.
7. Be Prompt in saying I'm sorry: Really. I need to do this when I hurt some one's feelings or unintentionally make them angry and as soon as possible, be it privately or publicly.
8. Be Gracious: Forgive and forget. This one can be just for me and no one else. I can be selfish about this. When I forgive, whether the other person tells me they are sorry or not, I feel better, I am not carrying a resentment that only makes me feel emotionally hung over.
9. Be Kind: Reach out to someone when I see them hurting, whether I like them very much or not at all. Even if I can't do anything else, I can at least listen which sometimes is the best thing to do. I also don't have to come up with a solution. Sometimes one just needs to vent their pain/ frustration.
10. Post This Where I Can See It: I think I probably should review this once or twice a week, if not every day. I can be forgetful of my own values at times.
The Wisdom of Fritz Perls
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in the world to live up to your expectations.
You are not in the world to live up to my expectations.
You are you and I am I
And If by chance we happen to find each other, it's beautiful.
And if not, it can't be helped.
- Fritz Perls
The most well known icon of gestalt psychotherapy, not to be confused with gestalt psychology wrote this years ago and I find it as powerful when I was 17 as I do today at 53. What a powerful and freeing idea.
If you find synergy with someone, then that is a very positive and a true opportunity for personal growth. If not, that's ok too. Be free to be who you are as I will do the same. Doesn't matter if you agree with someone or not, go your own path and allow others to do the same. It would cut down so many barriers as opposed to authortarian collectivists who demand that we all march to a single drummer and if you are out of step, it is not acceptable.
Diversity includes accepting ideas that we find diametrically opposed to our own belief system. That requires a large leap for a significant minority of us. I endeavor to be able to do that. I haven't done it perfectly, but it is my goal. I hope you will join me and doing what you can to make it yours too.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Quack! Quack! The Ducks Attack! (Or Were They Attacked??)
Here in the United States, the end of the year "Great Controversy" has been the remarks of the head of a family featured on a popular American "reality show". Reality Show, what a concept! I mean, REALLY??! I've never seen one yet that had anything to do with reality.
The most popular show of this genre in the U.S. is called Duck Dynasty. It is run on a network known as A&E. Its about a family in Louisiana who is passionate about duck hunting and they make their living through a family owned business that makes high quality duck calls.
The present crisis du jour began when the patriarch of the family, Phil Robertson, was interviewed by a widely followed men's magazine here in the U.S. called GQ (Gentleman's Quarterly as it was formerly known). Mr. Robertson is a fundamentalist Christian and he voiced the opinion that homosexual behavior is sinful. He did not state in anyway that gay people should be persecuted, victimized or harmed in any way. The worst that could be said, in my opinion was that he might have been less graphic about sexual acts that homosexual men engage in, but he never advocated any mistreatment or abuse of homosexuals because of their sexual orientation.
His understanding of Christianity is quite literal. He publically endorses a literal interpretation of the Bible and it's proclamation of law. In my opinion, it is the interpretation of an immature Christian. Here is why I believe this: Jesus came to bring us the New Law and the covenant that he brought is a new covenant, much different from the one brought to us in the Old Testament. Mr. Robertson's comments give no indication to any appreciation of the history of the tribe of Israel and the cultural context in which Old Testament scripture was written. Some of what was written had to do with preserving and strengthening the tribe of Israel. Some of what was written had to do with health and hygiene in a time with little understanding of what caused disease. People of that time often thought of states of illness as being the result of sin and Devine retribution.
Some of my comments will address in a cursory manner some of the insights that Mr. Robertson does not seem to understand.
Jesus never made a comment about homosexuals that was recorded in the Bible. (Paul did). However we are told in the New Testament by Paul that eunuchs (the term used for transsexual people, among others who castrated themselves either voluntarily or involuntarily, had a place in Heaven.
In the Old Testament in the same book of law (Deuteronomy), besides a proscription against homosexual relationships and wearing the clothing of the other gender, one must not eat shellfish (Sorry Phil, there go your crawdads (crayfish)!! You must have a rail around your roof (Don't think I saw one on yours, Phil). One must not wear garments of two different fabrics combined among others that I don't think he follows, nor do I. I'm pretty certain that Phil enjoys a good pulled pork bar b que, as well do I. Strictly forbidden in the Old Testament.
Mr. Robertson's shortcoming, in my opinion is this literal interpretation of the Bible. There is no insight into why these scriptures were written. In those days, homosexual sex was frequently associated with sexually transmitted diseases. Today we have more hygienic conditions that allow us to prevent those diseases if people are responsible enough to take the precautions to do so.
The same was true of the proscriptions of certain kinds of foods. Pork carried trichinosis and can anybody really believe that eating shellfish in the middle of the desert after having no source of refrigeration to be anything but a prescription for disaster?
Why did you need to have a rail around your roof? Because it was common for visitors or itinerant people to have been offered a place to sleep on the roof of the house, particularly during the hot summers.
The proscription of wearing garments of the other gender had to do with the customs of worship of the tribes that worshipped Baal. In their fertility rites, priests and priestesses exchanged garments as a part of their religious services in the spring.
The tribe of Israel was small and surrounded by enemies. They did not want people of their tribe wandering over to become worshippers of Baal and they needed their members to have many children to build the numbers and the strength of the tribe of Israel. Gay couples were not going to be able to contribute to that effort. These legalisms have nothing to do with our world today.
Recently GLAAD labeled what Mr. Robertson said about homosexual behavior as hate speech and demanded that he be censored for his remarks. The network A&E made a predictable knee jerk response making a gesture of "suspending" Phil Robertson from the show while recording was on hiatus for the holidays. Then they chose to run a marathon of episodes that included him over the holidays and when filming begins again in January, he will continue to be featured on the show.
I find fault with GLAAD for trying to label what I consider free speech to be hate speech. If what he said was to be considered hate speech, I believe he would have had to advocated violence or advocated some form of violence or deprivation of individual civil rights because of someone's sexual orientation and in fact this was not the case.
One could make the argument that GLAAD engaged in hate speech against Phil Robertson if one wanted to use the same logic that GLAAD did in their attack on Mr. Robertson. In truth, I believe neither case to be true. Mr. Robertson has his opinion (I think he is wrong) and GLAAD has their opinion ( I think they are wrong, too).
If we continue in this climate, I think each side will continue to further alienate the other. Responding to people we don't agree with by inflammatory attacks will do nothing to improve acceptance between people who have differences. It would have been much more helpful for GLAAD to say that they disagreed with Mr. Robertson and lay out a factual argument based on their disagreement, rather than lay out an attack on him as a person. It is always better to win with a persuasive argument than by attacking your opponent. All GLAAD managed to do was to emotionally entrench Evangelical Christians in their beliefs due to an ill advised strategy to respond to Mr. Robertson's personal beliefs.
Now I have no illusions that Mr. Robertson would be accepting of me as a transsexual from his religious views. I'm sure that he would believe that I am living a sinful life for simply being who I am. That is no consequence to me for two reasons. I don't believe that Mr. Robertson means me any personal harm, wants to deprive me of my civil liberties or would in any other way wish to see anything bad happen to me. He espouses the doctrine of "hate the sin, but love the sinner".
Secondly, In my own Christian walk, I don't believe that I am sinning. He and I both believe that salvation rests between each person and God. It is not for someone else to judge. While I am sure Mr. Robertson thinks my life is sinful, I have not heard him presume to judge the status of my salvation.
A&E, however, is the real villain in this whole sad and sorry episode. They initially pandered to the militant gay community. Then they sold them out for the almighty dollar. They have no courage of their conviction. They only want to make money. I doubt they ever had any intention rather than to placate the militant gay community and ensure they didn't lose their #1 money making show. How sad is that? Rather pathetic, I think.
The most popular show of this genre in the U.S. is called Duck Dynasty. It is run on a network known as A&E. Its about a family in Louisiana who is passionate about duck hunting and they make their living through a family owned business that makes high quality duck calls.
The present crisis du jour began when the patriarch of the family, Phil Robertson, was interviewed by a widely followed men's magazine here in the U.S. called GQ (Gentleman's Quarterly as it was formerly known). Mr. Robertson is a fundamentalist Christian and he voiced the opinion that homosexual behavior is sinful. He did not state in anyway that gay people should be persecuted, victimized or harmed in any way. The worst that could be said, in my opinion was that he might have been less graphic about sexual acts that homosexual men engage in, but he never advocated any mistreatment or abuse of homosexuals because of their sexual orientation.
His understanding of Christianity is quite literal. He publically endorses a literal interpretation of the Bible and it's proclamation of law. In my opinion, it is the interpretation of an immature Christian. Here is why I believe this: Jesus came to bring us the New Law and the covenant that he brought is a new covenant, much different from the one brought to us in the Old Testament. Mr. Robertson's comments give no indication to any appreciation of the history of the tribe of Israel and the cultural context in which Old Testament scripture was written. Some of what was written had to do with preserving and strengthening the tribe of Israel. Some of what was written had to do with health and hygiene in a time with little understanding of what caused disease. People of that time often thought of states of illness as being the result of sin and Devine retribution.
Some of my comments will address in a cursory manner some of the insights that Mr. Robertson does not seem to understand.
Jesus never made a comment about homosexuals that was recorded in the Bible. (Paul did). However we are told in the New Testament by Paul that eunuchs (the term used for transsexual people, among others who castrated themselves either voluntarily or involuntarily, had a place in Heaven.
In the Old Testament in the same book of law (Deuteronomy), besides a proscription against homosexual relationships and wearing the clothing of the other gender, one must not eat shellfish (Sorry Phil, there go your crawdads (crayfish)!! You must have a rail around your roof (Don't think I saw one on yours, Phil). One must not wear garments of two different fabrics combined among others that I don't think he follows, nor do I. I'm pretty certain that Phil enjoys a good pulled pork bar b que, as well do I. Strictly forbidden in the Old Testament.
Mr. Robertson's shortcoming, in my opinion is this literal interpretation of the Bible. There is no insight into why these scriptures were written. In those days, homosexual sex was frequently associated with sexually transmitted diseases. Today we have more hygienic conditions that allow us to prevent those diseases if people are responsible enough to take the precautions to do so.
The same was true of the proscriptions of certain kinds of foods. Pork carried trichinosis and can anybody really believe that eating shellfish in the middle of the desert after having no source of refrigeration to be anything but a prescription for disaster?
Why did you need to have a rail around your roof? Because it was common for visitors or itinerant people to have been offered a place to sleep on the roof of the house, particularly during the hot summers.
The proscription of wearing garments of the other gender had to do with the customs of worship of the tribes that worshipped Baal. In their fertility rites, priests and priestesses exchanged garments as a part of their religious services in the spring.
The tribe of Israel was small and surrounded by enemies. They did not want people of their tribe wandering over to become worshippers of Baal and they needed their members to have many children to build the numbers and the strength of the tribe of Israel. Gay couples were not going to be able to contribute to that effort. These legalisms have nothing to do with our world today.
Recently GLAAD labeled what Mr. Robertson said about homosexual behavior as hate speech and demanded that he be censored for his remarks. The network A&E made a predictable knee jerk response making a gesture of "suspending" Phil Robertson from the show while recording was on hiatus for the holidays. Then they chose to run a marathon of episodes that included him over the holidays and when filming begins again in January, he will continue to be featured on the show.
I find fault with GLAAD for trying to label what I consider free speech to be hate speech. If what he said was to be considered hate speech, I believe he would have had to advocated violence or advocated some form of violence or deprivation of individual civil rights because of someone's sexual orientation and in fact this was not the case.
One could make the argument that GLAAD engaged in hate speech against Phil Robertson if one wanted to use the same logic that GLAAD did in their attack on Mr. Robertson. In truth, I believe neither case to be true. Mr. Robertson has his opinion (I think he is wrong) and GLAAD has their opinion ( I think they are wrong, too).
If we continue in this climate, I think each side will continue to further alienate the other. Responding to people we don't agree with by inflammatory attacks will do nothing to improve acceptance between people who have differences. It would have been much more helpful for GLAAD to say that they disagreed with Mr. Robertson and lay out a factual argument based on their disagreement, rather than lay out an attack on him as a person. It is always better to win with a persuasive argument than by attacking your opponent. All GLAAD managed to do was to emotionally entrench Evangelical Christians in their beliefs due to an ill advised strategy to respond to Mr. Robertson's personal beliefs.
Now I have no illusions that Mr. Robertson would be accepting of me as a transsexual from his religious views. I'm sure that he would believe that I am living a sinful life for simply being who I am. That is no consequence to me for two reasons. I don't believe that Mr. Robertson means me any personal harm, wants to deprive me of my civil liberties or would in any other way wish to see anything bad happen to me. He espouses the doctrine of "hate the sin, but love the sinner".
Secondly, In my own Christian walk, I don't believe that I am sinning. He and I both believe that salvation rests between each person and God. It is not for someone else to judge. While I am sure Mr. Robertson thinks my life is sinful, I have not heard him presume to judge the status of my salvation.
A&E, however, is the real villain in this whole sad and sorry episode. They initially pandered to the militant gay community. Then they sold them out for the almighty dollar. They have no courage of their conviction. They only want to make money. I doubt they ever had any intention rather than to placate the militant gay community and ensure they didn't lose their #1 money making show. How sad is that? Rather pathetic, I think.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Christmas 2013
"Oh holy night!
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!
Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine
Oh night divine
Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming
Here come the wise men from Orient land
The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger
In all our trials born to be our friend
Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name"
Lord, please forgive my trespasses and grant me the grace and strength to forgive those who have trespassed against me.
I am truly blessed and please help me to never forget the blessings you have granted me throughout my life and giving me the strength to come to where I am today in my life. Please help me to remember to always be humble and know that all I have been given is a gift from You as you found me to be acceptable and worthy long before I was able to accept that truth in my life.
I pray this in thy Son's name, Jesus Christ my Lord,
Amen
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thanksgiving 2013
Although I have had many extremely unhappy Thanksgivings in
my life, this day has always been my favorite holiday because of the
traditional meaning of the day. It is a reflection of my profound faith as a
Christian and it is the time of year, along with Christmas where I am focused
on the many things I have to be thankful for and not thinking of the difficult
things I have come to terms with that have happened in recent years.
When I write my articles, I try to write them for you: the
people who read them. I only write about personal things when I think there is
benefit by sharing my privacy with you. Then again, what I write I want to be
interesting to you as well. As I share the things that I am grateful for, I am
aware that this might not be so interesting to you, but I hope the thought that
even under difficult circumstances that you might be experiencing, no matter
how sad or painful, we do have things to be thankful for and when we remember
those things, it makes the difficult things easier to bear.
Most of all, I am thankful for my wife Patty. I am very
blessed that she has chosen to remain with me through my transition. Many, if
not most marriages do not survive transition. I know that my decision to
transition was and continues at times to be painful for her. Through it all she
has chosen to stay with me and I am so thankful for that.
I’m also thankful that I found Dana to be my therapist. She
is very gifted and guided me through my transitioned. She asked the hard
questions and threw up every possible or potential roadblock or challenge I had
to overcome and it resulted in my decision to transition with no regret. She
helped me to finally put to rest past traumas and they don’t bother me anymore
for the first time I can recall in many years. She “held my hand” when I was
afraid and helped me find my courage to do what I needed to do to be happy. Thank
you so much for all you did to help me, Dana.
I’m thankful for my dog Jack the bipolar beagle and my cats
Taffy, Callie Sue and Jill. I’m especially thankful to still have Taffy who was
diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago. He is still happy and active and
is not in any pain. He is very special to me as he “picked” me as a kitten. He was
a stray I found down at the country store. He was one of a litter of kittens
down there. He wouldn’t have anything to do with anybody and no one could catch
him, I was told. For some reason he came running up to me and he has always
loved me best. Yellow cats are special, indeed!
I’m thankful for having a home and plenty of food to eat.
There was a time when I didn’t have enough, though I can’t say I was starving,
but I definitely was hungry a lot of the time and there was even a short period
of time when I was homeless in a new city through my own stupid decision
making. Sometimes it takes not having enough to eat and not having a place to
live to make you remember to always be thankful for and never take for granted
something as simple as having enough food and a home.
Even though at work we no longer get raises based on
performance and no longer get cost of living increases in our wages, I am very
grateful to have a job in my chosen career. This may not be true in the future
with the coming of Obamacare when specialized care will become less available
and strictly rationed as in other countries with socialized medicine that I
read about, but that is not happening to me at the moment. Rather than worry
about that day coming, I choose to be thankful for what I have today.
I’m thankful for my health and the health care providers I
work with who take care of me and keep me well. I know they respect me and I am
treated with the dignity I deserve.
I’m thankful that I had the opportunity and access to higher
education. For any of us who are transsexual, education, whether academic or
vocational in nature is the key to preventing many of the horrible things that
happens to some of us.
While this may be difficult for some of you to understand, I
am thankful for my father’s passing away peacefully last year three days after
Christmas. He had suffered a great deal over the past two years of his life and
spent most of it, especially in the last year, either in the hospital or in
rehabilitation facilities when he would have preferred to be home. I miss him
so much, but I also grieved for him a lot over the last two years and in his
death I found relief from my own grief. He is at peace and home with God. He
was a man of strong faith and it is the most important gift he gave to me as a
child.
I’m thankful to have a very rich spiritual life; my faith in
God has carried me through all of this, in good times and in difficult times.
Even though I hate winter and cold weather, along with the
long dark nights, I am thankful for winter because without it I would not
appreciate the beauty of spring, the warm long summer days and the beauty of
autumn.
I know that some of you who read this are going through some
difficult or even terrible times. I hope that this might be a small gift in
some way and that it will encourage you to remember things that you have in
your life that you can be grateful and thankful for, even if it is some of the
little things you might not think about on a day to day basis and that will
make today a little bit better for you.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged: Is it Possible You Might be Cisphobic?
I had an experience this past week that I would like to share with you. It does not reflect the best of me, though it turned out well. I think the lesson I took from this is one I would like to share because we can all benefit from it. It is a lesson that has been profoundly repeated at least weekly, if not almost daily since I made the decision to complete my transition over the past 6 years or so. It occurs so frequently now that in many ways I have begun to take it for granted. It is the more poignant examples that I now find to be emotionally moving.
There is another type of bias and prejudice that I have described in vague ways. It is something that we must search within ourselves and sit in judgment of ourselves. It is a form of oppression of the worst kind. It is oppression of the self and it is called CISPHOBIA. It occurs when we expect cisgendered people to discriminate against us, hate us, or perpetrate violence against us with no basis for that expectation. It is rarely discussed and even more rarely described.
Do cisgendered people at times discriminate and publically express hatred towards us, even to the point of having perpetrated violence against us solely for the reason we are transgendered? That is an unequivocal YES. It is the legacy that I grew up with, the same type of virulent hatred also characterized by racism and homophobia, however we must also recognize the tremendous advances our society has made in accepting us and recognizing our right to participate openly in a free and just society with respect to our Constitutional rights. There is, however much that remains to be done to further the progress we all have made. That progress benefits cisgendered people as well as transgendered people.
Incumbent upon us is that we also reflect and identify those areas of potential and/ or unrecognized cisphobia that impair our ability to experience a fully free and self actualized life. It is also incumbent to make necessary changes in our own personal attitudes when necessary to eliminate cisphobia in our lives.
The example I would like to share with you involves a former patient of mine who I had not worked with for about two years. Quite frankly, the experience of informing all of my current patients that I was transitioning, while very successful (I retained over 97% of my patients), was also very stressful, at times exhausting, and it was an experience that I am glad is over. On occasion, I still have to disclose to a former patient who is insistent about wanting to work with me. I don't look forward to the times I have to do this. I just want to live my life without having to review the past, but in my choice of work, that is not always possible. Here is where the problem arises and it is where I have personally struggled with an area of cisphobia.
This patient came to the office two weeks ago, unaware that I had transitioned. He had asked to see me for a few minutes, but because of the unanticipated nature of the visit and that I had already seen 9 patients with a serious crisis patient in the afternoon I was not prepared to deal with the situation.
My thoughts were that due factors of his cultural background, his religious background and his personality that there was no way that he would be accepting. In other words, I made a cisphobic judgement about him. It turns out that I was grossly unfair to this gentleman.
The front office staff did an admirable job handling the situation. They began to try to explain without discussing my transition that I (my former male self) was no longer there. Out of genuine concern and care, he pressed them to tell himwhat happened to me as he was clearly worried that something tragic had befallen me. So they explained in simple terms that I had undergone a gender transition. His response to them was that it did not matter a bit to him and that he felt that because of the work I had done with him that I had saved his life. (No I didn't save his life, I was simply the tool he chose to use to save his own life).
The front desk staff relayed this information back to me and I asked that he come by on another occasion. It had indeed been a very long day and I was tired.
Yesterday my patient had an appointment with me and saw me for the first time. The first order of business was to apologize to him for my misjudgment. He graciously told me that no apology was necessary, but I insisted that I had been wrong, apologized to him again and thanked him for his acceptance of me.
In the past, I have seen opinions expressed that people who are oppressed cannot be oppressors themselves because of their oppressed status. I have always sharply disagreed with that opinion. By the act of being bigoted, prejudiced or biased against people, whether they are members of an oppressed class of people, or by the act of being bigoted, prejudiced or biased against people who are members of a class of people who have been oppressive towards another class, we perpetrate the impedance of societal progress. We injure those we have unfairly judged. We injure ourselves by depriving ourselves of the opportunity to take advantage of the progress we have made as a society. We slow the process and the progress of our own full integration into society.
Now I am someone who believes I am fully assimilated in daily life; I do not fear going to the ladies room, using the ladies dressing room in stores, nor do I fear an encounter with the police, going through TSA when I travel or interact in any way with the predominant culture. I generally don't see myself as a person who is cisphobic, but there are these areas of cisphobia that apparently do exist in my life.
It is my hope, through my own personal growth in this area and by bringing this potential problem to the attention of other transgendered people that we can do our part to make our society a more free and open society.
There is another type of bias and prejudice that I have described in vague ways. It is something that we must search within ourselves and sit in judgment of ourselves. It is a form of oppression of the worst kind. It is oppression of the self and it is called CISPHOBIA. It occurs when we expect cisgendered people to discriminate against us, hate us, or perpetrate violence against us with no basis for that expectation. It is rarely discussed and even more rarely described.
Do cisgendered people at times discriminate and publically express hatred towards us, even to the point of having perpetrated violence against us solely for the reason we are transgendered? That is an unequivocal YES. It is the legacy that I grew up with, the same type of virulent hatred also characterized by racism and homophobia, however we must also recognize the tremendous advances our society has made in accepting us and recognizing our right to participate openly in a free and just society with respect to our Constitutional rights. There is, however much that remains to be done to further the progress we all have made. That progress benefits cisgendered people as well as transgendered people.
Incumbent upon us is that we also reflect and identify those areas of potential and/ or unrecognized cisphobia that impair our ability to experience a fully free and self actualized life. It is also incumbent to make necessary changes in our own personal attitudes when necessary to eliminate cisphobia in our lives.
The example I would like to share with you involves a former patient of mine who I had not worked with for about two years. Quite frankly, the experience of informing all of my current patients that I was transitioning, while very successful (I retained over 97% of my patients), was also very stressful, at times exhausting, and it was an experience that I am glad is over. On occasion, I still have to disclose to a former patient who is insistent about wanting to work with me. I don't look forward to the times I have to do this. I just want to live my life without having to review the past, but in my choice of work, that is not always possible. Here is where the problem arises and it is where I have personally struggled with an area of cisphobia.
This patient came to the office two weeks ago, unaware that I had transitioned. He had asked to see me for a few minutes, but because of the unanticipated nature of the visit and that I had already seen 9 patients with a serious crisis patient in the afternoon I was not prepared to deal with the situation.
My thoughts were that due factors of his cultural background, his religious background and his personality that there was no way that he would be accepting. In other words, I made a cisphobic judgement about him. It turns out that I was grossly unfair to this gentleman.
The front office staff did an admirable job handling the situation. They began to try to explain without discussing my transition that I (my former male self) was no longer there. Out of genuine concern and care, he pressed them to tell himwhat happened to me as he was clearly worried that something tragic had befallen me. So they explained in simple terms that I had undergone a gender transition. His response to them was that it did not matter a bit to him and that he felt that because of the work I had done with him that I had saved his life. (No I didn't save his life, I was simply the tool he chose to use to save his own life).
The front desk staff relayed this information back to me and I asked that he come by on another occasion. It had indeed been a very long day and I was tired.
Yesterday my patient had an appointment with me and saw me for the first time. The first order of business was to apologize to him for my misjudgment. He graciously told me that no apology was necessary, but I insisted that I had been wrong, apologized to him again and thanked him for his acceptance of me.
In the past, I have seen opinions expressed that people who are oppressed cannot be oppressors themselves because of their oppressed status. I have always sharply disagreed with that opinion. By the act of being bigoted, prejudiced or biased against people, whether they are members of an oppressed class of people, or by the act of being bigoted, prejudiced or biased against people who are members of a class of people who have been oppressive towards another class, we perpetrate the impedance of societal progress. We injure those we have unfairly judged. We injure ourselves by depriving ourselves of the opportunity to take advantage of the progress we have made as a society. We slow the process and the progress of our own full integration into society.
Now I am someone who believes I am fully assimilated in daily life; I do not fear going to the ladies room, using the ladies dressing room in stores, nor do I fear an encounter with the police, going through TSA when I travel or interact in any way with the predominant culture. I generally don't see myself as a person who is cisphobic, but there are these areas of cisphobia that apparently do exist in my life.
It is my hope, through my own personal growth in this area and by bringing this potential problem to the attention of other transgendered people that we can do our part to make our society a more free and open society.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Ain't That America?
Today was a day that made me proud to be an American! We hear so many stories about how awful our country is and how we as people of trans experience are hated and driven to despair. That isn't always the case and we need to focus on positive things. We can overcome adversity and we can have happy, fulfilling lives!
Today, I had a very positive experience interviewing with the Veteran's Administration for a job that has a lot of opportunity for advancement. The five people who interviewed me were all very positive and seemed interested in my experience and skills as a Social Worker. They informed me that I was a finalist for the position and they indicated that they would be in touch no later than the first of next week about the position.
Then I went to vote. It was the first time I ever voted as Lauren, here where I have lived a male life out in rural Virginia since 1992. I grew up here before leaving for college and grad school.
It was a very comfortable experience. There were no challenges to my right to vote and the election officials were very polite and professional.
The world is a much better place for us, even as recently as twenty years ago. I live in one of the most conservative (both politically and religiously) areas in the U.S. here in the Shenandoah Valley.
If I can do it, so can you! Yes, there have been obstacles along the way. My biggest obstacle was my own fear.
I hope that you will follow your dreams and become the best you that you can be!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Sage Smith is Still Missing!
Sage Smith continues to remain missing since December of 2012. Two other young women who have gone missing since then may be vindicated by a recent arrest of a man from this area (Charlottesville, Virginia) but Sage's suspected assailant who was identified, Erik McFadden who is from Minnesota and met her on Facebook, remains at large. He came to Charlottesville to meet her and was seen with her at the local Amtrak station, and has not been seen since an initial interview by police who named him as a "person of interest", but was allowed to leave and has not been heard of since.
My belief is that if she were a cis gendered woman and not a transsexual woman, and if she were not a woman of color, more effort would have been brought to bear in apprehending her perpetrator. Much unlike the effort focused on recent cases of missing women who were murdered or not found to date.
If anyone has heard of Erik McFadden, come across him on social media as someone who is attracted to transsexual women, please contact the Charlottesville, Virginia Police.
Please join me in prayers for Sage and if, by a miracle, you read this and happen to have even the tiniest shred of information that might be helpful in solving this missing person case, please call the Charlottesville, Virginia Police at 434-977-4000
Friday, October 4, 2013
Prequel: Gathering information for an article I am writing on Transsexual Regretters
This discussion will tie into something I've recently taken an interest in and am writing an article about; transsexual regretters. What role, if any, does the informed consent model contribute to the rate of transsexual regretters? I am looking at statistical outcomes for my article. If 5% of people who have come to regret their decision to transition and have grs, that becomes significant and can become an argument against informed consent, or even providing the means to have access to HRT and GRS via WPATH SOC.
Do you believe this is a significant issue? To be honest, and in the interest of full disclosure, I advocate for the WPATH SOC and am a member of WPATH. I am a psychotherapist who is post transition and pre op. I have chosen to adhere to the SOC despite having the means to circumvent the process because I believe that WPATH's SOC is a reasonable and thoughtful approach for people coping with our issues. I am, however very open to other points of view. I don't believe I have the lock on what is "correct" or "right".
When I look at the recent study by NCTE and their statistics on substance abuse, poverty, victimization and attempted suicide rates (> 30%) which are magnitudes above the general population, then read what those who regret transitioning and their perspectives, I recognize that something significant has occurred and there seem to be far too many who think they made a terrible mistake.
Many of those who regret their decision to transition do not take much personal responsibility for their tragic regrets. They indict a system that allows almost no review in the process they undertake and see tragedy as a result.
Others rail against any kind of system that compels a person to engage in a process of examining their motives and potential for poor or disastrous outcomes in the hopes that system will provide better outcomes for those who transition from a biopsychosocial perspective.
I am exploring why those who regret their choices are so vocal in opposition to allowing others to proceed in this process and why whatever decisions they made to transition ended in such tragic results.
There are no clear compelling arguments for the extremes of each position here. What is your opinion?
Do you believe this is a significant issue? To be honest, and in the interest of full disclosure, I advocate for the WPATH SOC and am a member of WPATH. I am a psychotherapist who is post transition and pre op. I have chosen to adhere to the SOC despite having the means to circumvent the process because I believe that WPATH's SOC is a reasonable and thoughtful approach for people coping with our issues. I am, however very open to other points of view. I don't believe I have the lock on what is "correct" or "right".
When I look at the recent study by NCTE and their statistics on substance abuse, poverty, victimization and attempted suicide rates (> 30%) which are magnitudes above the general population, then read what those who regret transitioning and their perspectives, I recognize that something significant has occurred and there seem to be far too many who think they made a terrible mistake.
Many of those who regret their decision to transition do not take much personal responsibility for their tragic regrets. They indict a system that allows almost no review in the process they undertake and see tragedy as a result.
Others rail against any kind of system that compels a person to engage in a process of examining their motives and potential for poor or disastrous outcomes in the hopes that system will provide better outcomes for those who transition from a biopsychosocial perspective.
I am exploring why those who regret their choices are so vocal in opposition to allowing others to proceed in this process and why whatever decisions they made to transition ended in such tragic results.
There are no clear compelling arguments for the extremes of each position here. What is your opinion?
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